Pairing: Spike/Xander

Archive: Just tell me where ne?

The Census


Spike wandered through Xander's new apartment seeking something to do while his nummy was at his latest job. Spike was bored! Bored Bored Bored. . . well well, what have we here?A governmental type envelope in the mail was just unfortunate enough to catch the blond vampire's eyes. "2000 Census." Stamped prominetly on the bottom was 'Your Response Is Required By Federal Law'. His grin grew larger, "I guess I 'should' be a pet an' 'elp 'im wit' this."

Spike sat down at the kitchen table with the form and read through it.

Blue or black ink? He searched through the pockets of his duster and came up with a red crayon. His eyes danced with mischief, close enough.

"Now lets see. . . Name? William the Bloody.

Common Nic Name? Spike.

Phone number, boring . . ."

Spike jotted down the easier answers with a grin. Nummy would have to punish him for this, he leered.

"Sex? Every Day.

Age? 124.

What is this person's marital status?" He scanned the answers quickly, "What? No 'other'?"

He rolled his eyes and checked married. It was the closest thing to what him and Xander had. I mean, Xan was already acting like a wife, but they 'did' have more horizontal than most married couples. . . and vertical. . . and diagonal. . . and that one time. . . Oops. Heh, lost track a mo there.

Ethnic Origin? English.

U.S. citizen? Sure, why not.

"'ave you lived in your current residence for at least 5 years. . . Well if you count Xander's ass as my residence. . . better put no. I want Nummy to punish me, not stake me. Damn this gover'ment is nosy!"

"Am I disabled or insane?" Spike giggled maliciously. "Let's see. Allergic to pointy wood (except my nummy treat's); aversion to sun light (understatement); cronic blood loss (Maybe they give free samples!); hmm. Insane. Check." Describe your illness. Spike's grin was ear to ear! "Homocidal, Nymphomanic, love of dismemberment with railroad spikes. This is getting good."

Spike went through all the boring ones quickly and came to 'Occupation.' "Kicking demon ass!" He grinned and wrote, "Saving the world and guarding the mouth of Hell." Oh yeah, that's a good answer.

. . Now hmm. . . "Where do I work? Graveyards and streets of SunnyHell.

How did I get to work? . . . well it all started in England back in 1885. . ."

Xander fell into the apartment two weeks later, exhausted from his latest job. Working for two was a pain in the but, but he was in love. Sure, in love with a homocidal vampire a la chip with a wicked sense of humor and a twelve inch. . . okay, new thoughts. He was in need of rest and Spike. Unfortunately what he got was the ringing phone. ". . . Yes?"

"May I speak to Spike please?"

Xander groaned, "Shit I told him not to give this number to his buddies, listen, He isn't interested in taking over the Hellmouth or going on a killing spree or anything ok? Don't call here again." He hung up with a long suffering sigh and curled up to nap.

The phone rang again.

"Listen! I said. . ."

"I'm sorry there must be some mistake, I'm from the census committee, may I assume I'm speaking to Nummy?"

Xander almost choked, "N. . . nummy?"

"That is what is listen under nic name, is it incorrect?"

"N. . . no, people call me Xander though."

"Alright Xander I just had a few questions about your 2000 census."

"Census? Spike filled out my Census?!"

"Yes and first of all, red crayon is frowned upon by our people please remind him of that. He needed to use blue or black ink."

"Spike filled out my census in crayon."



"I'm sorry."

Xander jumped and realised he'd said it out loud. "I. . . uh. . . what is it you needed?"

"Well I have questions reguarding all of the members of the house. . ."


"First of all Mr. Bloody listed himself as 124 and homicidal.. . ."


The End

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