Kit-aholic. That's right, I'm a self-proclaimed kit-kat addict. So how did this happen? This is my story:
It was pouring, storming actually. The thunder vibrated thoughout the sky and the lightning flashed short and bright, briefly lighting up the dark sky. It was freezing and everywhere people were running to their cars and homes, turning on their heaters and snuggling up on the couch with hot chocolate and a good book. Or at least I hope so, coz you know, nothing sucks more than a bad book.
But not me, I love storms. They're so inspirational and moody and artistic. But it's not the sort of love where there'll be a storm and I'll look out the window and write angsty poems filled with dark and meaningful words. It's a love that draws me, I can never sit inside when there's a storm. My mind blanks and in a kind of trance I walk outside and I revel in the stormyness. Sort of like the way some people can't sit inside on a sunny day, only I've never understood that, rain is so much better.
So there I was, walking down the streets, my black hoodie soaked and water in my shoes. To risk sounding British, it was bloody brilliant. Enjoying the storm induced atmosphere, I continued walking through the streets and what happened next was such a shock that no trace of my happy mood could be found. I went from a 10 to a 0 in less than half a second. So what happened?
Well, I was attacked by ninjas. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Yeah, me neither.
They came out of nowhere, though I suppose that is what ninjas do best. The only sound of their brutal attack on me was the swish of their black robes, oh and of course, my high pitched screams. But by this time I was in an alley, so there was no-one around to hear me. So of course, the only way out of this was to reason with the ninjas. Why were they attacking me anway? I'd always made it a point not to get involved in any gangs or the mafia just to avoid these type of situations. Believe you me, if it wasn't for the threat of ninjas attacking me, I'd be wheeling and dealing like nobody's business.
So at the top of my lungs, I screeched, 'MY NAME IS LAURA I AM NOT TIED TO ANY GANGS OR THE MAFIA! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!'
Well that certainly stopped the attack, brought it to a crashing halt actually. If this was a movie this would be the part where the scratched CD sound comes in.
What I assume to be the lead ninja said incredulously in his whispery voice, 'You aren't Antonio, mafia betrayer?' Uhh, no?! I think they could tell from the disbelief in my face, or maybe they could read my mind, can ninjas do that? Anyway they realised I was in fact Laura and not Antonio and you could literally feel, well not really but anway, the icy cold demeanor melt away.
Lead ninja speaks again only this time the pretty cool whispery voice is gone and replaced by the stereotypical gay man lisp, 'Girl! Ohmagawd! We are just soo damn sorry we had no idea that you weren't Antonio! Could you ever forgive us?'
Momentarily stunned by the change of his voice I struggled for words, but eventually they came to me, 'Couldn't you tell that I was a girl and not big, fat and hairy Antonio?' Well, I assumed he was big, fat and hairy and it seemed I was right as the ninjas raised no objections.
'Well the thing is hun, all ninjas are blind,' lead ninja continued.
'Say what!' I screeched.
'Oh yeah hun,' lead ninja continued, 'most people don't know but the reason we're such good fighters is because of our secret training techniques.'
I grinned wickedly an evil plan formulating in my brain and I had to stifle the urge to cackle. Oh it's no use lying, I did cackle.
'To earn your forgiveness you must teach me the sacred ninja tricks!'
'Sure thing babe!' lead ninja says. 'All you gotta do is eat a kit-kat every hour and learn how to fight. We'll be happy to teach you.'
'AWESOME! Let's get started right now!' I all but squealed in happiness, fine I wont lie, I did squeal.
So I spent a month eating kit-kats every hour and training hard but to no avail.
'I'm sorry sweetie, I guess you just have to be a ninja.' lead ninja shrugged.
Pouting slightly, okay, okay, it was a full fledged pout, I returned home to where no time had passed since that fantastical storm and since then I have been a kit-aholic.