Blog 6
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Taking Chances
I've always lived my life confined by that yellow line. Always living within the bounds of reason and appropriateness. This road was never the popular one. But neither was it empty. There are others like me. Putting faith in what is most ideal and suitable in the eyes of plenty.

Age has seemingly corrupted my better judgment of reason and right. There have been moments when I have found myself barely hanging on to a cliff, almost ready to take the plunge. Almost...but never quite entirely. I have had my fair share of daredevil stunts and rollercoaster rides that include apple martinis on the side. Yet I make sure that the next moment I wake up I have every bit of my dignity in tact. Regret is an emotion I do not welcome. It is fear that I must learn to overcome.

I FEAR.... of living a half-filled life. Of letting a day go by, without sitting it in the sun...of dreaming of ice cream and candy, when I only have my salad fork in hand... of enjoying a book when I'm really working overtime...of deep conversations instead of just shaking a hand...of missing the plane, just to buy more time...of saying hello, when it's really goodbye...of taking a risk, instead of letting it go. Or of moving on, when I should have just stayed behind.
Chances are, I make the decision that requires the smallest of leaps. How far is the jump, you ask? I dunno. I never really moved an inch.

Blog 5
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: I know better
Many of those who see me now think that I know a lot more about life than I've known before. I think I just know better now. If there was something I can change about the past, is to have gone through it with more confidence. There are a lot of things that I do regret, to be honest. But who are we to say that we have not done things in the past for a reason. I don't believe that there are ever any moments or events in our lives we have done without any thought or any logical reason that went behind it. We only have ourselves to blame for our mistakes and those who don't agree are lying to themselves.

I think that at this point I'm just so overwhelmed with thoughts in my head of the things I could have done better in my life and how I'm going to face my future. It seems that how ever prepared I have allowed myself to become, I still keep expecting more, and keep pushing myself to the edge of perfection that instead of getting there, I'm just pushing that edge further. What is it in all of us that drives us to think that to get ahead in life, we have to be better than everyone else, which is entirely impossible because we're never satisfied with what we do and who we are.

So do I know more or know better? If i were to ask my ego, I would say I know more. Part of growing up is that we acquire great knowledge. But in truth and in reality, there is no longer an original idea out there, we only have ideas that float around, getting interchanged and twisted with every generation that catches it. I know better, perhaps greater than what I have known before.
I know better to apply what I have learned in better use.

Blog 4
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Friendship
It is painful to be let down by someone you trust. I often describe it as a moment of great depression. Its like training for a tennis match with your doubles partner for years, only to find out that they will never show up for the game. It's like being a target for murder but they missed the shot.

I value loyalty above all when it comes to friendship. There is no wrong or right when it comes to partners and friends. Even if mistakes are made on their behalf, you will gladly take the wrong side as oppose to the right side, because that's how it is. That's how it should always be. Ofcourse, when the doors are closed and you know fully well that they are in such a deep rut, you gladly show them to the door of righteousness. But never openly. Never humiliatingly. Never self-righteously. It is the unspoken vow between friends-- to stand by them even if all you have are sticks and stones.

Blog 3
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Mistaken Identity
How do you expect someone to know what you want when you can't tell for yourself what your own heart desires? Sometimes it bothers me that even up to this point, I can still manage to surprise myself about certain things. It pisses me. I am always a sure-ball thinker. I don't like to test the waters. I don't like dipping my feet. Either I get all wet or stay dry. That's it. That's all. Nothing more.

Yet, I find myself limbo rocking like everyone else. I find myself toying with impossible ideas...asking myself the "what if" questions that can drive you into pure madness. Sometimes I hate my past. It messes my present and distorts my future. So I can't really afford mistakes. I just can't.

Why is perfection such an impossible demand? Forget about being human. Why can't we take the high road and be a man? Why??? Why do we have to beat around the bush? Play the game? Pretend? Prolong??? Why can't we just cut ties and move on? Why do we have to resort to DRAMA? I hate drama. Yet my life seems to breathe it.

Words
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: blog 2
Don't ever under estimate the power of kind words. It's priceless. You may be able to get the most out of flattery, but you cannot depend on its sincerity. In some cases, the words spoken are not exactly kind. But they're just what you need to hear. On other days, some people just say things out of the ordinary. Yet even the ordinary circumstance becomes extra special when it catches you off guard and hits you right through the eye.

The thing that makes people interesting to me is the core of what they have to say. Often times people can rant on and on about issues and politics, finance or job responsibilities, poverty or Iraq, God or relationships, but it doesn't really stay with you. I have met so many well-conversed and extremely informed people about whatever area of expertise they are in, but they all have the same quality. They are too self-involved...They love hearing themselves speak. They love being heard. But...does it move you??? Is it genuine? When a person speaks passionately about something, there is not a drop of arrogance in their tone of conversation. Infact, it is the absence of self that makes it more interesting to listen to. Sometimes, they could even be more than just selfless and interesting. They could be hilarious and cheerful. Unfortunately, they dont come often.

I am lucky enough to have met such handful of people in my lifetime. They have moved me one way or the other. They have inspired me not even knowing they have. Someone once said to me to "give until it hurts...until it hurts no more"...at another time someone said.."if you choose not to love others, then you choose not to love God".

I know it's just words. But see, WORDS when said at the right moment, at the right context...with the very best intentions, can move you.

Are your friends stuck in the same spot? Move them.

Forgive and Forget
Mood:  not sure
Time goes by, life goes on. Let the past be past and just start a new life. Don't ever change who you are for other people. If they don't like who you are then they choose to miss out on someone great.

There are some things in life that don't go the way you want them to or the way you think they should, but you can't dwell on these because you'll miss out on the opportunities. Don't give up on something just because you don't think things will work, you won't know unless you give it a try. But don't hold onto something that left a long time ago, because sooner or later you'll realize some things just aren't meant to be.