Descending
I wished I could tell him
how all things in nature are related, how we are all part of a larger pattern
which is infinite. I wanted him to experience the ecstasy of a love which
transcended the material world and encompassed multitudes of worlds. I
wanted him to know how sacred every drop of rain, every blade of grass, every
leaf on every tree was. If only he could see the world, as I saw it,
immersed in the warm light of heavenly love. I tried to
tell him these things and many more. He immediately sent me to a
psychiatrist who diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. The
doctor told me that my spiritual experiences, which I knew were real, were the
result of a chemical disorder of the brain. I took the medicine he gave
me, but felt dead inside. The light which used to suffuse the world
dimmed. I felt like I was in a dark pit. One night I flushed my
medicine down the toilet. I never took it again.
All of this happened shortly after the death of our
only daughter. We had taken her to the
It was the anniversary of her death and my husband Jim
took me to
We were camping at a place called Iron
Springs. It was late spring and the mountains were blanketed in green
deciduous trees. We were camped beside a clear cold pool of water.
A small dam made of granite blocks created the pool. I was immersed in
the pool naked, feeling the cold water invigorate my tired body. I looked
across the sparkling stream, through the gap in the trees at the small
mountain, covered in green trees, with the clear blue sky above, with wispy cirrus
clouds floating lazily overhead. It was late afternoon and the small
canyon formed by mountains was covered in shadows. I smelled a fire
burning from one of the campers.
I looked at the old van where the family was
staying. The father was a tall man who wore suspenders and had thin brown
hair. The mother had short curly hair and wore a plain light blue
dress. The daughter usually wore shorts, and was beautiful with long
blonde hair. She was a senior in high school. The daughter, who’s name
was Jennifer, had become my companion. She wasn’t even shocked when she
walked out on the dam in her bathing suit to sun bath and found me squatting
naked in the water. I looked down into the water and saw the hundreds of
round polished rocks, layering the bottom of the pool. I waved to her as
she lay down on the dam. She turned and waved back at me smiling.
She looked very much like I imagined Alexis would have looked had she lived to
be a teenager. I bounced across the rocks, half swimming, half walking toward Jennifer. Jennifer giggled as she
looked down at me. She said, ”I saw a couple in
a Lexus drive through and leave. Anybody who drives that kind of car must
have an attitude. I don’t think they’d be happy here.”
I paddled my hand through the water as I lay back. I
said, ”Yea, I think they’re better off back in the
city with flush toilets and air conditioning.”
She smiled and lay her head on the rocks of the dam
propping her feet up and looking up at the sky. She lay there for over an
hour and I watched the first stars emerge from the darkening sky. A cool
breeze began to blow from the mountains and she left. I emerged from the
water dripping and wrapped a towel around my shivering body. I went back
to the tent where Jim was. He was boiling potatoes on our gas camp
stove. I sat on the picnic table by the stove and watched as he sat
there. It was almost completely dark by then. He stood up from the
table and lit the gas lantern hanging from the post. Fire flies began to
dance around us. I cupped one in my hand and watched it blink on and off
with its strange greenish yellow glowing tail. I released it and watched
it fly upward into the trees. The wind was blowing colder by now.
Jim looked over at me and said, ”
I went in the tent and put on my long johns and
jogging suit. I walked out and Jim was ladling the potatoes out of the
pot and putting them on plastic plates. He seemed irritated but didn’t
seem to want to talk about it, so I didn’t pressure him too. He opened a
can of sardines and put them on the plate by the potatoes. We sat
silently eating as cars from the highway passed by their headlights flickering
through the trees. After supper I sat by the spring looking at the path
of moonlight across the rippling surface of the water. I sat there by
myself. The other campers had gone to sleep. I thought about the
times we had come here when we were dating. We would sit by the spring
and tell ghost stories till late at night. Now we seemed too distant. I
imagined that if I lived on another planet I couldn’t be further away from Jim
than I was.
I went back to the tent and Jim was reading with a flash
light. I lay beside him, kissed him and said, ”Penny
for your thoughts.”
He looked up from his book and said, ”I
think we should go back to
I lay on my side looking at him and asked,
”Why so soon?”
He yawned and said, ”I just think
we need to get back to civilization. I’m getting bored.”
He turned out the flashlight and fell asleep. I
watched him for an hour and then fell asleep myself.
I woke before dawn and sat out in front of the tent watching
the sun rise over the mountains. The sky became illuminated with morning
light as I sat cross legged feeling the air around me grow warmer. Mist
rose from the pool, and rolled across the surface in cottony clouds. I
went in the tent and sat beside Jim. I spoke to him as he slept. I
whispered, ”Jim. Please try to understand. I’m
not crazy. There is a level of existence beyond sight, hearing, or
touch. There is a world of infinite beauty and wonder if you would only
let yourself see it.”
He tossed and turned in his sleep. I touched his
cheek and he yawned opening his eyes. He said, ”
I snuggled close to him and said, ”Yes.
I was speaking.”
He petted my hair and asked, ”What
were you trying to tell me?”
I said, ”I was trying to tell
you what a beautiful morning it is and how you were missing it.”
He sat up saying, ”Oh. Well
you know I’m a late sleeper.”
I kissed him again and said, ”Well
sleeper awake.”
Jim got up and began reading again. I walked
over to the van where the family from
She said, ”Oh, Ms. Thomas,
you were fun to be with too. I never met someone like you. You’re a
beautiful person.”
I hugged Jennifer and kissed her on the cheek.
Then I walked through the quiet forest, down the path by the rocky
stream. Moss covered the rocks and I could smell the rich earthy smell
from the wet earth. I reached the small stone square from which the
spring trickled. It was so peaceful here. I felt so close to the
Goddess. My daughter would have loved it I thought. I could imagine
her collecting rocks by the stream and playing in the water. I knew that
in her short life she had seen the light of God. She was my moon
child. She had been born during a full moon. I knew that she
had special powers. She could sense what people were feeling. She
seemed to know who to trust and who not to. I thought she had a
gift. She knew when bad weather was coming before it came. She
would warn me.
I took off my shoes and waded in the stream by the
spring. There was a patch of mushrooms growing in the moss by the stream
bank. I knew something about mushrooms and knew they were edible. I
picked one and ate it. I picked the rest to give to my husband.
I carried them in my hands as I walked back down the trail
to the tent. Jim was sitting at the picnic table sipping coffee. I
put the mushrooms in a pile on the table by him. He looked at them and
held them in his hand. He said, ”
I said, ”They’re edible and they’re
delicious. Try one.”
Jim said, ”
I sat by him and said, ”Oh come on
honey, trust me.”
Jim poured his coffee out and said, ”
I put my arm around him and said, ”Jim,
I miss you.”
Jim looked at me sadly and said, ”
I took my arm from his waist and put my hands palm down on
the rough wood of the picnic table. I said, ”Jim,
I would rather be dead than take that medicine. I know you don’t
understand. I don’t expect you too. Please try to respect me and my
right to choose.”
I looked at a squirrel as it scampered up a tree and hopped
from branch to branch. The sunlight was warm on my shoulders. Jim
looked at me, and said, ”
I took a deep breath and said, ”Jim,
I want to make this work. Please help me.”
A tear formed on Jim’s face. He said,
”
His word cut me to the quick. I couldn’t imagine how I
could seem alien to him. We had been married for five years. When
we dated he spent hours talking to me and telling me stories. I didn’t
know what to feel. Part of me still loved him. Part of me hated
him. He took my hand and said, ”
I said, ”Jim, please let me help
you. You are lost. You dwell in darkness. Please free
yourself from your illusions. The world is beautiful beyond the furtherest reaches of your imagination. Allow
yourself to feel the light which permeates all existence.”
Jim looked at me and shook his head. He packed the
car. And we drove across the mountains. I told him, ”Jim,
I don’t want to be a burden to you. If you need me to go I will.”
As we drove down the road, Jim was silent. The road
curved, dipped and ascended through mountains, past barns and
stores. I looked at him as he gazed ahead at the road. I said, ”Jim I know how much you miss Alexis. Remember that
afternoon by the
Jim nodded. I went on, ”You
know I really did feel pain when Alexis died. She gave me hope. She was
the one who taught me about the infinite beauty of the universe. Every
time she smiled I felt as though there was hope for a future. She was my
moon child. She was special.”
Jim glanced at me. He said, ”You
never told me this. All you talked about was how beautiful the world was
after she died. It was as though it didn’t mean anything to you.
You seemed dissociated from everything. At the funeral I saw you smile.”
I sighed. I said, ”Oh Jim,
you don’t know how much I missed her. There were times when I thought of
dying myself so I could be with her. But I knew I still had a purpose
here on earth to show you the way. Jim, just because I don’t express
sadness, doesn’t mean she wasn’t important to me. It’s just that, she
taught me not to be sad. Remember when her pet turtle died. She
smiled and said he was going to heaven.”
Jim glanced at me again and said, ”Alice,
Alexis wasn’t a turtle. She was my daughter. I wanted to share my
grief with you but you didn’t seem to feel anything.”
I reached over and caressed Jim’s scalp as we passed
through the forest. I said, ”Jim I know you love
me. I know you loved Alexis. I love you as much as you loved
Alexis. You know I would have died for either of you.”
Suddenly I felt a deep welling of pain. Images
floated into my mind of Alexis by the river that last time jumping up into my
arms. I remembered how she tried to make brownies once, when I was on the
phone, and I found her with her face covered in chocolate. I was so mad at
her. Sometimes I felt I hadn’t really been a good mother to her. I
wished I could have a second chance. I began to gently weep.
This was the first time I had felt such pain in a long time. I whispered, ”Jim, I know life can’t be painless. I want to
understand you better. I want to meet you half way.”
Jim reached over and squeezed my hand.
We were coming down a mountain slope and entering a fertile
river valley. The dark green alfalfa pastures on either side smelled of
freshly mown hay. I saw a horse galloping through a field. For the
first time in a long time I realized that you couldn’t stay on the mountaintop
forever. We entered