Being old isn’t all bad. My life is a lot more peaceful now. It seems like I’ve
mellowed out a lot in the last few years. I haven’t been with a woman
since Beth. Life is less complicated now that I live alone. Those emotional
entanglements can wear on your nerves. But then there’s the loneliness.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I got out more. But with my bad knee I don’t get
around as much as I used too. I got more aches and pains than your average
geriatric. But I can’t complain. At least I got a roof over my head. Beth would
be proud of me for standing up so well. But on nights like these she
haunts me. I never was very emotional but I feel so alone without
her. I never knew how much I needed her till she was gone. Funny
how we take people for granted, like they’re immortal or something.
I’m not superstitious but sometimes I could swear I
feel her presence in the room. I guess I must be losing my marbles. But she was
all I ever had in life. Now time is marked by moments of quiet desperation.
It’s frightening how quickly time moves on. Sometimes I replay the memories
like an old movie reel in my mind. The images are fleeting but so
poignant. I savor the memories like fine wine; the sweet taste of her
mouth; her alluring scent; the seductive smoldering of her dark eyes; the feel
of her silky fingers caressing my face. The film rolls on in my minds eye
till I’m entranced in cinematic visions of the past. Tonight’s
feature presentation is the beginning when we first embarked on our journey
together.
I was sitting in the back of the restaurant, out of
range of prying eyes when the waitress gave me a sidelong glance. She was
looking mighty worried. My week old beard and scraggly hair made me look like a
bum. But I didn't care. I hadn't cared for twenty years, ever since she left
me. One night I came home. She and the kids weren't there. It didn't take
me but a moment to get beyond the delusion that they were out to the movies or
visiting Cousin Betty. I knew at that moment the course my life would take as
sure as I knew the morning would come. I didn't think I'd stay there at the
restaurant. It didn't feel comfortable. Nowhere felt comfortable. Maybe I'd
hang out at the apartment and watch some late night TV.
I looked in the mirror. I saw a tired old man.
But I didn't give a shit. Everyone gets old. So what if I had blood shot eyes
with wrinkles and puffy cheeks. Hell I didn't look bad for a fifty five year
old. It could have been be worse. I could have been strung out on coke or
sipping my dinner from a paper sack. I spent my days hanging out at the
soup kitchen. I saw the same old faces. It felt good to get out and get a
change of scenery. Man what I wouldn't have given to have a few bucks in my
pocket though. I hadn't been to a movie in ages. Mostly I watched reruns on TV
and listened to the radio news till I fell asleep. It was the same tired old
world with different players. The game hadn't changed that much. I hadn't
really changed that much, just gotten a little older, not smarter though. Well
you've heard enough of my bull for one night. Think I'll turn in.
If you see my ex-wife Sammy tell her I still got her
photograph. Naw., just tell her I never mention her anymore. Lies can make life
easier sometimes. I'd vowed never to get involved with a woman again. Some one
was knocking at the door. I thought it was Beth. She had tried to off herself
the other night. I sat up with her all night. She was starting to scream. My
God, I thought. It sounds like she’s gonna pound the door down. I heard
thunder outside. The wind was blowing something fierce! Gonna be one hell of a
storm, I thought.
“Cut the crap, Beth!”, I yelled through the door.
“Bob, I’ve got to see you. Please! I feel like shit.”
I stared right through the peep hole at her face. My
God! She looked like one of those women that lived like an animal in the woods
since childhood. What do they call those children? Feral children. Yea, I
remembered, like in that movie with Jodie Foster. I had some education. I used
to be a school teacher. But I never took it that seriously. When Sammy left, I
got real depressed. They gave me an early retirement. Since then I had a phobia
about working. I simply couldn’t face people in a classroom, office, or
anywhere else for that matter. Well let’s get back to Beth. I saw a wild look
in her eyes. It was the same look I saw in that guys eyes that knifed me back
in the merchant marines. I wasn’t letting her in this room that’s for sure. No
telling what she might do.
I watched her eyes like a hawk through the peep hole.
They were blood streaked. I watched her for a few minutes. She just stood there
pleading. “Please Bob. You can’t leave me out here. I might kill myself if you
don’t let me in!”
I stayed focused on her eyes. Her words just went in one ear
and out the other. After a couple of minutes her eyes softened. I saw that
warmth in them which had made me talk to her in the laundry room a couple of
years ago. Man what I didn’t know then! If I’d of known what a lunatic she was
I wouldn’t have come within ten feet of her. But she seemed sweet. She even
looked alright. Not a beauty queen but nothing to turn your nose at. I
unlocked the deadbolt and slowly opened the door. She pushed the door with all
her strength and came plunging in. The first thing she did was fall on
the sofa and throw off her slippers.
I knelt beside her and stroked her wild hair. She trembled
like a heroin addict gone cold turkey. I looked into her eyes and saw
real fear. She touched my face and whimpered, ”Oh Bob, I need you so bad!”
I said, ”I know baby. Baby, I know it’s hard to face. But
you’ve got to take your medicine. It don’t mean you’re any worse than me or anyone else. But you need
that. If you don’t take it nobody can help you.”
She smiled. It looked strange to see such a distraught
person laugh. She caressed my cheeks. She said, ”Bob when are we going get
married and settle down? You know, you could go back to teaching. I could get a
clerical job. We could make a go of it. We could make it you and me.”
I looked down at her with a sorrowful look. She screamed and
her whole body tensed. She said, ”Don’t give me that look Bob!”
I stroked her hair and then her face. She put her fingers to
my lips and said, ”SHHH, Bob, don’t tell me we can’t make it. Don’t tell me
that. I don’t want to hear it! Nobody is going to take away my dreams. They’re
all I got left. You take that away from me and I’ll fizzle and die.”
I just looked at her and said, ”OK Beth. I won’t say
anything. I’ve got to go get something to eat. It’s late. You need some rest.
You know I need my space. You sleep in the bedroom. I’ll take the couch.”
Beth wept softly till
Well, finally the movie got to the gory climax. I shut it off and
lay on the couch thinking all night. You’d think after this night with Beth,
that’s all I could think about. But naw, I reminisced about my ex-wife Sammy
and the good times. I remembered our dating years and that trip out west. We
camped in the
I remember this one lake high up around
Well there was this other human being in the bedroom to
consider. I did have feelings for her. Even though I considered her a
liability, I cared. It was just that I didn’t know how to reach her.
Sometimes I was afraid of her. Not so much that she’d physically hurt me or
anything. Maybe I was afraid that she’d try to waken my sleeping emotions. I
wanted my emotions to rest in peace. I’d had enough torment from them already.
Like I said, I’m a tired old man. I look a lot older than I am. I feel a lot
older than I am. So what business did I have taking her in? Why should I
be her care taker? Who appointed me? It certainly wasn’t God, because he and I
weren’t on speaking terms. I didn’t think he’d presume to ask me to do
anything for him. I used to pray all the time. But ever since my life had gone
down the toilet I didn’t ask God for anything. And I expected the same from
him.
Well the morning was coming. Oh man did I dread her
waking up. What kind of a trip was she going to lay on me this time. She was
always talking that marriage crap. I thought she really must be crazy to think
she could corner me into that trap! I would no sooner have gotten married again
than I would have cut off my fingers. So I wished she’d just forget about it.
Every time she opened her mouth, the subject eventually came back to that.
Maybe I should’ve just moved out and not told anyone where I went, I thought.
Sure she would’ve tried to track me down. But I’m pretty good at covering my
tracks. I could’ve left town even. She wouldn’t have found me in a million
years.
Well I could hear the bath tub faucet running. She
must be getting freshened up, I thought. She can take two or three hours to get
freshened up. Well, I might as well make us some breakfast, I thought. I
didn’t have much food, but I wouldn’t have felt right eating and not sharing it
with her. As I said, I did care. I went to the stove and fried up some
eggs and bacon. Then I remembered she’s Jewish and didn’t eat pork. So I got
double portions of bacon that morning. Thank you God for small favors, I
thought. Whoops, I wasn’t supposed to be talking to you God. So just ignore
that and go back to whatever you were doing.
I had the spread laid out by the time she came out in
my bathrobe. She looked kind of cute with her dimples and curly dark
hair. She also looked like she’d chilled some. Well maybe it wouldn’t be a bad
morning after all. She sat down and dove right into the eggs and grits. I
watched her chew her food. She looked very contented. I felt happy just to see
her back to normal, whatever that was for her. I said, ”Well good morning
sweet heart. I can see that rest did you a world of good. You look brand new!”
She smiled and took a sip of orange juice. She said, ”Well
honey, I took my lithium last night. I feel like a million bucks!”
I looked up from the paper I was reading and said, ”Really.
It works that fast?” I recovered, ”Well good for you!!!”
I asked, ”What made you decide to take it?”
She said, ”I did it for you. I knew we couldn’t make
it if I didn’t” I felt the mouth of the trap closing around me again. This
siren was so tempting. But I knew that was just another one of my fantasies,
just like traveling to
I went back to reading my newspaper and she went back to
eating. In the health and fitness section there was an article about how
marriage improves a person’s health. Married men live longer than bachelors. That
was just so much propaganda I thought.
Beth got up and relined on the couch. One of her legs
stuck out of her robe and man did she look gorgeous. That beauty rest made her
look like a queen. Even those lines in her face took on a beautiful quality.
Even though she was about twenty pounds too heavy and had touches of grey mixed
in with her raven black hair she looked fantastic. I felt fear grip the pit of
my stomach. Was I falling in love again? It couldn’t be. I would never let that
happen.
I turned my eyes and looked at the television. It got
kind of hypnotic looking at her lying on the couch. I could look all day. I was
already falling into a trance. I felt the warning signs. Maybe I was not quite
in love, but I was certainly in the infatuation stage. If I could only pull out
before it was too late.
Beth looked at me from the couch. Those dark eyes seemed to
radiate. I felt the pull of attraction. I walked over to her and sat on the
floor beside her. I saw her foot dangling over the edge of the couch and
reached out to grasp it. I began massaging the soles of her feet. She closed
her eyes and smiled. My hand wandered up her calf and to her thigh. She
slipped off her robe. The rest was history.
Afterward we lay in bed together. I watched her sleep.
She had such a baby face as she lay there with her dimpled cheeks. She’s was
really cute. She got up and we got dressed and went out.
We went back to the restaurant I had been at the previous
night. I ordered coffee. She ordered milk and Danish. I still looked like a
revolutionary guerilla from
I held my coffee cup tensely. I said, ”Baby what you see is
what you get. I don’t work. I don’t go out to parties. What do I care what
people think? It ain’t like my job or anything else depends on it.”
Beth chewed on her Danish. She said, ”But honey don’t you
wanna look like somebody? You act like you don’t even care anymore. You
wouldn’t get those funny looks from people if you dressed half way decent.”
I said, ”To hell with them. Half the time they ignore me
anyway. I’m just myself. You can take me or leave me.”
Beth looked at me with her puppy dog eyes. She said, ”Awww
honey, I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just care about you that’s all.”
I said, ”Well listen. Don’t fall for me. I’m just a beaten
up ole guy. I don’t have anything to offer you except some company once
in a while. And hey, stop calling my honey for God’s sake. I ain’t your
honey. I’m just a stranger you met in the laundry room who’s good for a few
meals every now and then, nothing more.”
Beth began weeping again. I asked, ”Beth did you take your
medicine this morning? Are you having another episode?”
Beth said, ”Oh you’re such a pompous ass! You think any sign
of emotion in me is part of my illness. Well let me tell you something mister,
I’m just a human being. You are too. If you’d let yourself feel once in a while
maybe the world would treat you better. You’re always bitching about the way
the cashier treats you or the lady down the hall. Have you ever in your life
considered that if you softened up a little people would be nicer to you?”
I was flabbergasted. I looked at her and said, ”Beth, I know
what you’re saying. I understand, really I do. But I’m too old to change. If I
tried to change now, I’d end up more messed up than I already am. You’ve got to
understand.”
Beth got up from the table. She said, ”Oh I understand well
enough. You’re just afraid. A big tough man like you is afraid of little ole
me. Afraid, I might make you feel something. Well, mister, I don’t need this
crap. When you decide to let me into your heart, give me a ring. I can do
without your macho bullshit. You know something. You’re really a wimp. You act
all tough and self assured but deep down you’re just a frightened little boy.
It’s time to grow up Bobby boy. Women aren’t out to de-ball you. I’m not the
weak one. You are!”
She got up and huffed out of the restaurant. People were
staring at me. I decided to split that joint pronto. I paid the waitress
and she looked down at me with a look of disgust. I looked down ashamed of the
scene we’d made and skulked out of there in a hurry.
I walked to
But there was no use dredging up old memories I
thought. And then there were Joey and Suzy, my son and daughter with
Sammy. Suddenly I felt a flood of love for them. This feeling was so powerful.
I couldn’t control it. I began weeping. I wondered if I was getting sick like
Beth. But it didn’t entirely feel bad. In fact there was something comforting
in these emotions coming from somewhere I couldn’t place. The little girl and
her mother had long since gone. So once again I was alone by the pond, with
only the ducks to keep me company. I missed Beth. I wished she were here with
me. But I figured I had blown it with her. I had about as much chance of
getting her back as I had of winning the lottery. But even with the
lottery someone has to win. So why didn’t I take a shot? After all it couldn’t
hurt trying.
I walked down the city streets and saw some high school kids
shooting hoops behind a fence. I walked into the basketball court asked one of
them wearing a bandana if I could shoot once. He said,”Yea. Sure mister.
Why not?”
I took the basketball from him and shot and missed. One of
the kids threw the ball back to me. This time I shot it right through the hoop.
I hadn’t lost it completely. I could still shot a hoop from twenty feet. Not
bad for an old worn out man I thought. I handed the kid back the ball and
he gave me a high five. I said, ”Thanks man.” He said, ”Anytime.”
I walked down by the drug store and went in and bought
some razors and shaving cream. The cashier girl asked, ”Are you having a good
day?”
I said, ”I couldn’t be better. How about yourself?”
She said, ”Oh. it’s going alright. My car’s in the
shop. But its nothing serious. It’s just a bad spark plug. So I guess you
could say life’s treating me good.”
I smiled asked, ”So when do you get your car back?”
She said, ”Oh probably tomorrow. I’m looking forward
to it. I’m taking my boyfriend out this weekend and need the car.”
I smiled and said, ”So you’re taking him out. That’s
great. I bet your looking forward to that.”
She said, ”Oh yea, we’re going to see that new Julia
Roberts movie. Then we’re going to dinner.”
“Well that’s sweet of him to take you to dinner. You
two have a great time.” She smiled and handed me the bag.
As I turned to go she said, ”Thanks, bye.”
I hadn’t been that friendly to a cashier in
years. It felt refreshing. I felt like I had a new lease on life. I
walked down the street whistling. When I got back I knocked on Beth’s door. No
answer. Oh shit! Maybe I wouldn’t get a second chance. Maybe she’d skipped out.
My imagination went wild imagining what could have happened to her. But my good
sense told me she was probably just out. I went back to my apartment and caught
the
I thought, maybe the occasional prayer
wouldn’t hurt. After all I had a good day. Maybe God helped out even if I
didn’t thank him. Maybe I could cut a deal with God. If I started caring more
maybe he’d cut me a little slack in the trials and tribulations
department. As they say God helps those who help themselves. Well, I’m
not really very religious. Not even sure God exists. But sometimes I get a
funny feeling someone is watching me even when I’m alone. Call it my guardian
angel or whatever. It was probably just my over active imagination. But who
knows. I’ll leave that to the philosophers.
I watched Anne Bancroft in “The Miracle Worker.” I
hadn’t seen that one in years. They don’t make them like that anymore. I
felt like an antique myself. But that wasn’t entirely bad. After all antiques
increase in value as they get older. So maybe I did have something to offer
Beth. Maybe she didn’t see me as an old wreck but as a fine old wine. That’s
the way I was beginning to feel about her. Even her baggy eyes looked cute, but
her heart was more beautiful than a rainbow. I could still see the little girl
in her when she smiled.
Well now I was hooked on
her. There was no going back. Maybe what I thought of as a trap was
really a door. I could see that now. But I was getting anxious. It was getting
on
Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I looked through
the peep hole and saw Beth standing there in her night gown. I opened the door.
I said, ”Christ, where have you been. I was worried sick. I was about to report
you missing to the police.”
Beth said, ”Oh I was home all the time. I just wanted
to see how persistent you’d be. I expected you’d give up after an hour or so.
But you proved me wrong. So what’s the deal? I thought we’d said everything
that needed to be said earlier? Why’d you come knocking on my door?”
I said, ”Please come on in. Sit down. I’ve got
to tell you something.”
Beth relined on the couch in her usual position.
She brushed the hair out of her eyes and yawned. I said, ”Beth, baby,
when you walked out of that restaurant, I felt like I’d been punched in the
gut.”
Beth squinted at me and wrinkled her brow. I went on, ”Beth, I’m
not good with words. But what I’m trying to say is I’m lost without you. All
this time I thought I was supporting you. But in reality I need you just as
much as you need me. Every time you come knocking on my door my heart beats a
mile a minute. I never understood why until now. It’s because I love you baby.
I thought I didn’t need your love, but it’s plain to see I do. When I couldn’t
find you tonight I panicked. I thought I’d lost you forever. But you came back.
You always do, even when you go into one of your episodes. I’m old and worn
out. We need to set up shop together.”
Beth looked at me with those puppy eyes. She said, ”You mean for life?”
I knelt beside her and took her hand. I said, ”You
better believe it.”
Beth said, ”Bob, you’re such a romantic. Now if I can
only get you to wash dishes for me and cook.”
I said, ”Oh baby, it’ll come with time.”
She looked at me like she knew better. We kissed. It was sweeter than a
lollipop.
The years unfolded in a surreal procession. Dreams and
hurts came and went like the hurricanes which ravaged our city. Faces
long familiar were forgotten. The Ghosts of my former life still haunted me.
But as seasons passed, memories which used to be laced with pain became faded
and even pleasant. Beth lived many years and we weathered many ups and
downs.
Once Beth asked me, ”How do you put up with me being so crazy all
the time?”
I volleyed, ”I’m not the sanest person either. How do you put up
with a nutty old guy like me?”
Beth said, ”I’ve thought about trading you in for a newer model,
but then I figure they don’t make them like they used too.” Beth always was a
joker. I sure could use one of her one-liners right now. Sometimes
at night, I remember the last time we made love. Then I feel a physical craving
for her which hurts so bad tears flow. Man, I’d give anything to feel her
warm body against me in bed. Sometimes I take out one of her dresses and
rub the fabric against my skin at night. I never washed them after she died. I
could swear I can still smell her scent in the fabric. Her picture is yellowed
and frayed around the edges. You can see the spark of gumption in her eyes. My
girl had moxie. I pick it up off the night stand and kiss it.
“Goodbye love.” I’m not a religious man but somehow I know we’ll meet again.