The mind can play tricks on you. That mountain on the horizon which you have been sailing toward all your life and which looks so close is really a hundred miles away. Just when you think you are sailing smoothly down a lazy river, the current carries you in a totally new direction. As the standing waves crash like furious beasts thrashing about and you are thrown overboard, you struggle to stay above water. You come perilously close to the jagged rocks, threatening to smash the life out of you. Then when you finally drag your aching body, half dead across the last stretch to the mountain, you find that the destination which you had sought for so many years was an optical illusion, a chimera in the minds eye. That valley, that paradise, which you had always heard about on the other side of the mountain, turns out to be only a myth. When you wake from the dream of paradise, to the reality that there are only endless snowy mountains stretching out to infinity; that is when you realize that the only truth which is real is in your heart.
     I set off on the road to permanent bliss as a teenage girl, reading gothic romance novels and dreaming of Prince Charming riding up on a white horse and sweeping me off my feet. I grew up in a small town in Louisiana and there wasn’t much to do but dream and work. The real life, I imagined was in the cities, like New Orleans, where life was always glamorous. New Iberia was deadly boring.
     When I was very young, still in braces, I would sit out on the front porch swing of my Mom’s house and watch the sunset over the oak trees. Lightening bugs would come out on those hot summer evenings and I would prance around the yard trying to catch them in a jar. I was so alone back then. I didn’t know where to turn except inward.
     Years later, when I was about to become officially an adult, I sought refuge in constant activity. Being in motion was the only thing that kept me sane back then. When my hormones were raging and I felt like I would go out of my mind, I would go out with boys. However, I would never let them take away my virginity. I felt that as long as I was untouched, I would be safe. I didn’t want to let them into that inner sanctuary which was mine and mine alone. My emotions were so raw, that I couldn’t stand the pain of getting close and maybe getting hurt. My mother had protected me all my life and I wasn’t ready to lose that sense of security. I remember mother used to make me come home before midnight on Saturday night. I never disobeyed. I read all kinds of books, from Kate Chopin to Emily Dickinson. I found kindred spirits in these lonely stifled women from an age which didn’t seem so distant from my own. I wished I could talk to them and share my pain. I felt they would understand and that their empathy would relieve some of the burden of my torn emotions.
     On one particular evening, I sat on the porch swing, watching the orange patches of light through the huge hanging limbs of the oak trees. I felt a melancholy. I really thought that life in New Iberia was a dream I would wake up from. Then I would find myself in New York, London, or Tokyo dancing faster and faster to the urban beat till I had found my pace and could keep up with the fanciest high society girls.

     As the sun sunk below the horizon on that particular evening, I looked out across the fields around our house and spotted a doe chewing peacefully on a sward of grass. She looked at me with sad eyes and wandered toward the woods at the edge of our property disappearing into the darkening forest, his shadowy form fading into the blackness. The sun had almost completely set. I heard the tree frogs begin to chirp.

     I walked into the kitchen and mom was washing the last of the dishes from supper. Dad was lying on the couch, his feet propped up on the edge, with his baseball cap over his eyes. He looked almost dead laying there with his chest almost imperceptibly rising and falling. I had a plan.

     Tonight I would sacrifice my virginity. This would finally free me from the fetters of my wounded heart. I would be like all the other girls. I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.
     Then I heard a honking in the driveway. Dad’s body jerked slightly as he pulled his cap from over his eyes. I ran out letting the screen door bang behind me. I plunged into the darkness and opened the door to Billy’s car jumping in. We sped off into the night.
     As we cruised down the dark country road, I watched the oncoming traffic, momentarily blinded by the light from the headlights. Suddenly I felt the car veer to the right. It seemed unreal as we skidded across the pavement smashing into the light post, and I felt my head crash into the windshield, and then everything went black.

     As I awoke and wiped the blood from my eyes I struggled to get up. I felt sharp pain from my head and felt dizzy. I lay back down feeling blood streaming down my neck and getting light headed. For a moment I felt giddy, then the reality hit that I might die.

     I heard Billy say, "Shit, Carol, it must be totaled." It was then that my bubble of childhood bliss was burst. I realized that to Billy, the trouble he would be in from his dad for totaling the car was more significant than me.

     At that moment I had a vision. Through the shattered window shield I saw an image of Mother Mary sparkling in the light. Her face was composed of the glittering light from the cars passing by, as it entered the jagged glass. Clearly it was no accident that the pattern of cracks in the window illuminated by the light was the face of the blessed virgin. A halo glowed around her perfect beautiful face.

     I felt a warmth in my heart from her love. I knew that she was watching over me and wouldn’t let me die on that night. It was then I promised myself to remain a virgin until marriage. I felt so thankful that this serendipitous accident had saved me from being tarnished by Billy on this night. We had planned to consummate our relationship, if that’s what you would call it, in the marshes near Cypremont Point that night.
     Now, as I was celebrating my fifth year of marriage to Don, I remembered that night. Now, that I had a child, my precious Alexis, I felt I had reached the pinnacle of my life. I thought that from here out, my role as a mother and wife, would sustain me through the trials and tribulations of life. When the priest said, till death do us part, and I said I do, I meant it.
     I came home one day from the PTA meeting and Don was sitting at the kitchen table his face in his hands. I saw tears on his face. I walked up to him and caressed his head, asking him what was wrong. He said, "I just don’t think I can make it anymore."
     I pulled up a chair next to him, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him on the forehead. I asked him, "Honey, what’s wrong. You know we can make it. We’ve got each other. What could possibly happen to us?"
     He looked up at me with pitiful eyes and said, "Carol you know the last thing I would want to do is hurt you."
With a wide eyed look of astonishment

     I looked into his eyes holding his face in my hands and said, "Don is there something you’re not telling me."
     As he burst out crying, the shock of awareness hit me like a brick. At that moment, I knew that my life would never be the same again.

     I asked him quietly, "Who is she?"
     Alexis ran up to me at that moment, tugging on my dress and asking me when supper would be ready. I petted her on the head and said, "Honey you go read in your room for a while, Mommy will be there in little while."

     Alexis asked, "Why is Daddy crying?" I said, "Honey, don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of Daddy. You go to your room." She ran off like a frightened kitten.
     After that Alexis and I moved in with my Mom. Dad had long since passed and Mom was all I had. I sat on the front porch swing, like when I was a little girl, except that my six year old daughter was sitting next to me. She hadn’t realized the enormity of what had happened. I tried to explain it to her but she only asked, "Where’s Daddy? When are we going home?"
     For the first time in my life even Mother Mary wasn’t coming through for me. I didn’t believe in anything anymore. I wondered what was next.
     After a month of being pampered by mother, I decided it was time to get on with my life. I took my savings and set off on a Greyhound bus, with Alexis for New Orleans. She clutched tightly to me as we drove through the night. We passed over the Atchafalaya on the causeway, as Alexis stared out into the darkness, with a blank look on her face.

    I pulled her to me and smiled at her making funny faces and sticking out my tongue. A smile began to form on her face and then dissipated. I held her against my breasts as the bus passed through Baton Rouge and south toward our destination. I felt like I had been waiting all my life for this moment. I knew that when I reached New Orleans things would get better. They had to.
     We arrived at the bus station and I led Alexis by the hand. Beth, my high school best friend, was waiting and hugged me.     

     She said, "Girl, you put on weight. It looks good. You were a bean pole back home."
     I said, "Yea, that’s what they called me ‘Bean Pole’."
Beth kissed me on the cheek and led me to the building. We ate hot dogs in the cafeteria and Alexis looked at Beth and asked, accusingly, "Who are you?"
     I said, "That’s Beth darling. We’re going to stay with her for a while."
     Alexis exclaimed, "I don’t like her. I want to go home."
     I looked at Beth and said, "I’m really sorry Beth. I don’t want to impose, but I’ve got no where else to go."
     Beth smiled, and said, "Hey Carol, don’t worry. I remember when I was a kid. I didn’t trust strangers. Isn’t that what our parents taught us? Don’t trust strangers. I wish I could unlearn everything my parents taught me. I plan to make it my life’s goal to break every rule, my parents imposed on me."
     I laughed and Alexis smiled, seeing Mama happy. Beth led us out to her car. She drove us in her beat up Camaro, to her apartment on Lake Pontchartrain.

     We got out and I could smell a cool salty fall breeze from the lake. Walking up the steps I saw a shaggy black cat lying on the rail by the porch. Alexis stood on her tip toes petting it.   

     She seemed a little happier now. Alexis went to sleep in the guest bedroom.

     I sat out in the kitchen, with Beth drinking iced tea and talking about old times.

     Beth said, "I always thought I’d end up an old maid and here I am."
     I said, "Yea, well marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be."
     Beth said, "But you’ve got Alexis. I’m going to dotter away one day in some nursing home and nobody will remember me."
     I said, "Now look who’s feeling sorry for themselves. I thought I was the one with bad luck. Why don’t you try dating?"
     Beth said, "Well it’s the old platitude. All the men are either gay or married."
     Not being in the mood to argue with her, I said, "Well what’s wrong with being single? There’s always casual sex." Beth put her hand over her mouth in shock.

     She said, "CAROL! Is this the girl who swore to remain a virgin till marriage?"
     I batted my eyelashes at Beth. I said, "I’m not a martyr Beth. I’ve learned the hard way that life is short and you’ve got to live it to the fullest."
     Beth said, "Well my my, you’re a liberated woman! Little miss goody two shoes is all grown up."
     I said, "Yea, I’m dangerous. Watch out."
     Beth said, "Well, I think I’ve had enough for one night. I’m going to hide in my room. Don’t wake me unless, Armageddon comes."
     I slept fitfully with Alexis. I tossed and turned and Alexis got restless. I went to the couch so Alexis could sleep without her nervous wreck of a mama keeping her up. I watched Dobbie Gillis on the Nick at Nite. Thank God Beth had cable TV. Otherwise I thought I might go insane with boredom. Finally I fell asleep.
     When I woke up, Beth had already gone to work. I fixed toast and OJ for Alexis. Then I approached her bed, and yanked the cover off her body. I saw her roll into a little ball and she began whimpering. She protested as I pulled her off the bed, struggling, and into the bathroom to brush her teeth.   

     She said, "Mommy, do we have to do everything the same way we did back home?"
     I said, sternly, "This is a dictatorship. I’m the commandant. You do as you’re told!"
     Alexis threw the brush down and started crying and stamping her feet. I said, "I know it seems absurd that someone as disturbed as me, would have God-like power over you. But for better or for worse, I am your mama. So let’s make the best of a difficult situation."
     I knew that she didn’t understand a word I was saying. I also knew that I was making the Marquis de Sade look like an angel. Even, he wouldn’t treat a child like this I thought. I thought I was beginning to resemble the mother in "Mommie Dearest." At least I wasn’t feeding her uncooked steak. I hadn’t sunk that low. I felt I needed to retrieve what was left of my parental dignity and give my daughter the support she so desperately needed.
     I knelt in front of my daughter by the sink. I saw her eyes were red and bloodshot from crying. I thought she was way too young to have to go through this kind of emotional trauma. I wished I could ease her pain somehow. I did, the only thing I knew to do. I hugged her to my breasts and told her, "Honey, you know Mama would never, hurt you on purpose. I’m so sorry." I began rocking her in my arms and singing "Edelweiss" from "The Sound of Music."

     She began to calm down, and I felt her muscles relax in my arms. She looked at me puckering her lips and picked up the tooth brush. She stood there holding the tooth brush too paralyzed by shock to brush. I took the brush from her hand and began gently brushing her teeth with it. She stood still, staring at herself and me in the mirror, with the most forlorn vacant stare; I had ever seen her with.
     We sat around the house most of the day watching Sesame Street and soap operas. I had never watched soap operas before and felt I had reached a new low.
     As I sat watching "The Young and the Restless", Alexis walked in with her face covered in lip stick and eyeliner. I leaped off the couch and screamed, "What have you done?" Alexis froze staring at me fearfully and ran into the bedroom. I followed her and sat on the bed next to her. I said, "I know. It’s hard darling. I promise. It’ll get better."
     I led her to the bathroom and washed her up. I said, "Listen honey. You’ll have plenty of time to grow up. I know it’s hard now. I’ll try to make it as easy for you as I can."
     Alexis looked at me with a look of incomprehension on her face. I put her in my lap and rocked her singing, "When the wind blows the cradle will rock." She began crying. I petted her head and felt more alone, helpless, and hopeless than I had ever felt.
     I pulled her up off my lap and said, "Sweet heart, let’s get out in the sunshine. Staying in here will make us both crazy." I led her down the street, past homogenous apartment complexes, till we reached the levy.

     Alexis scampered ahead of me up the levy and I followed running. As we reached the crest of the levy, I looked out seeing the lake shimmering, a blue-green watery expanse stretching out to the horizon. The causeway stretched out, in the distance. I imagined it leading to some magic kingdom, where suffering no longer existed.

     We walked along the sea wall watching the frothy waves crash, leaving a salty taste on our lips. Alexis stuck her tongue out and ran along the sloping steps of the sea wall. I called her back, worried that she might fall in. That would really be the end, if I lost her. We sat on the sea wall gazing out across this vast inland sea, watching sail boats, as they seemed to float across the water, their sails billowing in the brisk breeze.

     Alexis began to grow still and seemed to stare into space. I knew that I had to be a better mother to her. I had to put her needs first. I had become so self-centered. All I could think about was my own pain. Coming to New Orleans was for me not her. I knew she was carrying me not I her.

     I put her on my shoulders and walked with her by the lake. I saw a lone man fishing. As he cast his line into the water, I remembered Billy, and Don. I remembered seeing the image of Mary shining in the face of my death. I lifted Alexis off my shoulders and put her on the ground. I looked into her eyes, and said, "Alexis, you know you mean the world to me. Do you want to go back to Grandma’s house?"
     Alexis shook her head, saying, "Noooo." I led her to a picnic table in the park and we sat down.

     I told her, "Alexis, I think we need to go back to Grandma’s, just for a while."
     She stomped her feet and said, "But, Mama, I like it here!"
     I scrapped my foot in the dirt. I said, "I know, Alexis, but you’ve got to trust me. I know I don’t seem like much support now. But believe me later you’ll be glad we went back to Grandma’s. I promise; we’ll get on our own. But Mama needs some time to get better. Do you understand?"
     A flock of seagulls landed in front of us pecking the ground, heads bobbing up and down. Alexis ran into them, exuding in her power to make them take to the air. They wheeled above us in the bright blue sky in a dance of life. She would discover that the world wouldn’t revolve around her forever, as it seemed to in her child’s imagination. However, she would have plenty of time to discover that.
     I picked up Alexis and swung her around me. She laughed. I put her down and led her back up the levy. As we stood on top of the levy, I looked back at the lake. I hoped that Alexis would forgive me for being so unstable for her at a time when she needed me the most. I knew I had to make it up to her. I turned away from the lake and led Alexis down the levy.

     As I led her down, she followed behind me gripping my hand. Her hand felt soft and warm in mine. I looked back up at her. The way the sun shone through my daughter’s curly blonde hair, she seemed to have a halo. Once, more in my life, I had listened to that little voice in my heart and it had led me out of the wilderness. Sometimes the truth hits you like a brick. It’s at those times that magic happens and loose ends get tied up.