Summary: Xander awakens one morning to find a surprise waiting at his door, but no matter how hard he tries to get rid of it, he can't.
Notes: Inspired by a commercial seen while watching CNN. Set during Season 5.
It had been the worst night of his life. Excluding the time he nearly died by Faith's hand. Not including the time he had been split into two separate people. Not even like the time he had nearly been beheaded by a horny praying mantis. No, last night had been worse then that. Last night, Anya had broken up with him.
Not only did she do it two weeks after moving into their new apartment, but after what Xander thought was the best sex of their relationship. It was three hours worth of good, wholesome fun and she ended it by pulling a pre-packed suitcase out of the closet and leaving a note. A note! Not only a note, but a note that she had written while he was watching! There is something seriously wrong with that picture.
So, it had been a terrible night. A relationship that he had thought would last the long run, ended as fast as it had began. And now he was being woke up by the doorbell, that was connected to the door of an apartment that he no longer wanted. Groaning, Xander slowly stood, pulling on a pair of sweats along the way, and stumbled into the living room. He made his way in a half-hazard manner to the door, taking a brief moment to look through the peek-hole. Frowning, he saw no one.
That should have been the first to alert him that all was not right with the world.
Slowly, Xander opened the door and peered through it. Frowning, he saw nothing. Leaning further out his door, he turned one way. There was nothing down that end of the hallway. With a shrug, he looked the other way just in time to see the elevator doors close. With a soft ding, they began their downward decent. With a sigh, Xander straightened up, certain the culprit of the doorbell ringing was some kids playing around.
He closed the door softly and turned away to make his way to the kitchen. He made it as far as pulling the box of Fruit Loops out of the cabinet, when the doorbell rang once more. Shaking his head, he briskly walked over and pulled it open. "Look, this isn't-"
No one was there.
"-Funny." With a frown, Xander peeked upward at the hallway ceiling. It was a long shot, but perhaps it was some roof clinging demon that was ringing his doorbell? There was nothing, except for a small purple stain that Xander didn't want to identify.
Letting out an annoyed sigh, Xander slammed the door and returned to the kitchen. His bowl of colorful loops was quickly filled with milk. As he brought the food-filled spoon to his mouth, the doorbell rang once more. Letting out an annoyed snarl, Xander stomped over to the door, bowl of cereal in hand, and threw it open.
Again, no one was there.
Xander once again peeked around the corner. Finding no one in the halls, not even the sound of the elevator or a shutting door, Xander looked upwards. The small purple spot looked back down at him. Finally, Xander took a chance and looked downward. He was suddenly thankful he hadn't done so yet, for what was placed at his doorstep was enough of a shock for him to drop his Fruit Loops. If he ahd spotted it on the first round, he probably would have had a heart attack.
Later, Xander stood nervously in his living room, phone in hand. The... thing was placed on his sofa, proped up against a blue cushion. The phone, pressed up against his ear, rang repeatedly until a perky voice answered. "Hello!"
"Willow! Oh God, Willow!" Xander screeched, before being cut off.
"You've reached the dorm of Willow and Tara. We aren't here, or-" Willow's voice giggled, along with Tara's in the background. "-We are a little busy right now. Leave a message and we'll call you right back."
"Willow! Willow!" Xander yelled hysterically. "Oh God, Willow! You've got to come over to my house, or call a Scooby meeting quick. I woke up this morning and there was this horrible thing at my door! It's probably part-demon, possibly part-chicken. I'm not sure, but for the love of Mary save me!" Xander took a deep breath. "Oh, hey, how did you do on that exam? Call me!"
Xander hung up the phone in the hallway. He took a deep breath and looked around the corner at the... thing on his sofa. It was almost like it was looking back at him. It had to be evil. Or possible a science experiment, like the one Daniel Smith had in fifth grade. It was horrifying to see that thing crack open and eat the boy-genius whole. It's a wonder Xander didn't figure out demons and hellmouths existed way back then, now that he thought about it.
Still, Daniel had been using radiation and that's why it ended up growing to such a large size. This thing... Well, it was much prettier than Daniel's experiment, with little green and blue speckles. It had an off-white, bleachy sort of look to the top of it. Which kind of reminded him of Spike. Which was a big no-no, because that lead to 'oh, how cute!' thoughts that Xander would never admit to having.
"God, it's already making me insane!" Xander exclaimed, hiding around the corner. He took a deep breath. "I've got to get rid of it, somehow... But what if there are more? There could be millions in Sunnydale as I speak!"
Xander slowly peeked back around the corner. The... thing was still in the same spot, looking for all the world as innocent as innocent could be. Xander didn't trust the... thing for a second. Narrowing his eyes, Xander slinked his way into the living room and slid to the floor. He crossed his legs Indian-style and stared the... thing down.
"You think you've got it made, don't you?" Xander let out a bark of laughter and pointed at it. "But I know what you're planning! You're going to try to take over the world, aren't you? Aren't you?! Admit it!"
The giant, child sized egg had nothing to say on the matter.
Xander stared. It stared back. Xander stared some more. It stared back some more, seemingly basking in the attention. Xander opted to look away.
An hour had passed since he had called Willow. The... thing, although seemingly just a super-oversized egg, had remained on his sofa, as calm as an egg could possibly be. It was unnerving. It didn't move and it didn't make a sound. It just sat, silent and ever watching. And Xander had a strange urge to call it Bob.
Forever into the future, which was probably only two minutes, a knock came from the door. Although, the way it caused the walls to vibrate made it seem less like a knock and more like someone trying to destroy the building. Scrambling to his feet, Xander debated grabbing a weapon. It could, after all, be the long lost parent of the egg. Xander didn't want to chance scarying the possible parent off, however, and rushed to answer the door.
Instead of a demon, or chicken, Xander opened the door to reveal a frantic Willow and annoyed Buffy. Xander let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, good, it's just you."
"Where is it? What is it? Do you want me to kill it here or outside?" Buffy immediately asked. She stormed past him and into the apartment, looking all business. It was times like these that Xander felt privileged. Not only did he have friends, but he had friends that were willing to come over in a moment's notice and kill things for him.
"It's in there." Xander gestured toward the living room, then followed the two girls in. Both came to an immediate halt, their eyes focused on the giant egg.
"It's... An egg." Willow stated, her face contorted in confusion.
"Yeah, that was ringing my doorbell this morning!" Xander exclaimed.
"Why do you have an egg?" Buffy asked.
"I don't have an egg, I have an egg!" Xander insisted.
"Wait... What's the difference?" Buffy crossed her arms and eyed the egg with a frown.
"Well, I didn't want it." Xander said. "I just... Ended up with it. It was at my doorstep. Someone actually left this thing at my doorstep. And it's evil. I mean, look at it. It screams evil."
"You know what it reminds me of?" Willow said in a awed voice. "That egg that ate Daniel Smith in elementary school."
"Someone was eaten by an egg?" Buffy asked, eyes widening. "No wonder you believed in the existence of demons and the hellmouth so easily."
"It's kind of pretty." Willow commented, taking a step toward the large thing. She reached out to touch one of the green specks, but found her arm yanked back by Xander.
"Don't touch it." Xander insisted. He sent the egg a glare, cursing it for it's magnetic draw. It's no wonder Willow tried to touch it. In fact, now that Xander paid attention, he had an odd urge to wrap it up in a blanket and cuddle with it. Blinking, he turned determined eyes toward Willow and Buffy. "I think it's time to take this matter to Giles."
"Well, I suppose. Do you want me to carry it?" Buffy asked. Xander narrowed his eyes at Buffy. Who was she trying to kid? She just wanted the egg for herself! Well, she wasn't getting it!
"No, I can carry it." Xander replied. Why were they looking at him like that? It was his egg, dammit! His!
"Xander?" Willow said softly as Xander's face developed a look of shock.
"Oh God, I think I'm really going insane." Xander admitted. He looked back at the egg in horror, before walked down the hall to the linen closet and pulling out a large towel. He walked over to the egg, ignoring Buffy and Willow's looks of pure surprise, and wrapped the egg in the towel. It was a tight fit, but he managed it. He carefully picked it up, cradling it as well as he could against his body. With a deep breath, he turned to the girls. "Okay. Let's go."
"Okay, that is just all sorts of weird." Buffy commented.
"Do you think it's the egg?" Willow asked, following Xander at a safe distance so he didn't hear them. "I mean, he's acting like..."
"A papa bear." Buffy finished.
"Yeah." Willow agreed, before giggling. Buffy's mouth twitched, watching as Xander almost seemed to rock the egg in his arms, while a confused and agitated look remained on his face. They made it to the elevator and down to the parking lot, before Buffy burst into laughter. Willow covered her mouth to try and hide her laughter.
"What's so funny?" Xander asked with a scowl, carefully placing the egg in the front passenger seat of his car.
"Xander..." Buffy said through gasps of breath. "You're buckling in an egg!"
"Well, I don't want Bob to crack!" Xander informed them, before his back stiffened dramatically. "I really just said that, didn't I?"
"You-" Willow giggled. "-Named it-" Giggle. "-Bob?"
"No." Xander scoffed, before looking away with a guilty expression. Willow and Buffy shared a look, before climbing into the backseat. The old Mercury started after the second turn of the key, and soon they were off towards Giles' house.
"Dear God, what is all this?" Giles asked, scratching at his head as he opened the door to reveal Xander, Willow, Buffy, and a large egg. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"Umm, about nine?" Buffy asked.
"Oh, is it?" Giles replied. He shook his head and waved them in. "I knew my alarm clock was broken."
"Giles, we have a crisis on our hands." Xander insisted, holding up the egg.
"Yes, and you appear to have an egg." Giles pointed out.
"Whose name is Bob." Buffy added.
"Exactly!" Xander exclaimed, before easing the egg onto the sofa. He arranged the cushions so the egg would not fall off, then turned back to Giles with a frantic look in his eyes. "An Egg! Well? What are you going to do about it? Huh?"
"Well, I..." Giles stammered, pulling off his glasses to clean the briefly. "Well, I have some... Books? We could look in those, I suppose.... Where did the, uh, Bob come from, may I ask?"
"Xander found it on his doorstep." Buffy supplied.
"But that's not the weird part." Willow stated. Giles and Buffy gave her an odd look. "Well, I mean, it is weird, but there is something weirder than that! Xander's behavior for one?" She pointed at Xander, who was sitting on the sofa and cuddling the egg.
"Oh!" Willow exclaimed, holding up her book. "Here's something... Oh, wait, no... That's not it."
"What does it say?" Buffy asked curiously. Willow's face flushed brightly. Buffy reached over and grabbed the book. "Oh, wow."
"Honestly." Giles scoffed.
"I can't believe they actually do that with an egg!" Buffy giggled. Xander narrowed his eyes and wrapped a protective arm around his egg. Buffy rolled her eyes at him.
"Surely we can go about this in a serious matter?" Giles asked, in a tired sort of voice that suggested he had said that phrase more than ten times.
"There isn't anything here, Giles." Willow whined.
"Oh, maybe I can go beat the information out of Spike?" Buffy asked, looking far too perky at the prospect.
"He may have information about the whereabouts of the... Bob." Giles said. Buffy and Willow giggled at the name, while Xander glared.
"Hey, I know!" Xander said. "I'll go bother Spike and you guys can stay here and laugh at my egg."
"Xander-" Willow giggled again. "-We didn't mean it like that. We don't mean any harm toward your-" Laughter. "-Egg."
"Giles? Money?" Xander asked stiffly, holding out his hand. Giles looked up at him in shock. "To bribe Spike with."
"Very well." Giles let out a sigh, pulling a twenty out of his wallet.
"Geeze, I didn't realize Spike sold at such a low price." Xander commented, causing Willow to break out into laughter. Xander didn't bother to send her a glare. Personally, he couldn't figure out what the two girls thought was so funny. It was just an egg. And it was just Spike. It wasn't like he wanted to go visit Spike...
Xander quickly gave the egg a pat on the head, ignoring Buffy and Willow's amused looks, before heading out the door. He made his way to the cemetery, feeling rather stupid about entering it during the day. Spike's crypt stood off to the distance, looking shabby and in need of care in the sun. He walked up to the door and nervously knocked on it.
"Hello? Spike?" Xander called out. He opened the door and slipped through, careful to not let in any sunlight. It wouldnít do to have the vampire burst into flames while watching Passions. The television was turned off, however. Which naturally lead Xander to the conclusion that Spike was either out tormenting the sewer populace or sleeping. With a sigh, Xander climbed down the ladder leading to the lower level. A few candles were lit, allowing Xander to see properly. He slowly made his way toward the bed, noticing a pale figure draped across it. "Spike?"
The figure shifted, giving Xander a full view of Spike's backside, which was completely bare of any clothing. Spike's sheets appeared to have tangled up in his legs. That, however, was not what Xander was seeing. No, he was noticing the fact that Spike was not only asleep, but having a sexy kind of dream. The vampire's pale hips were literally humping the mattress and little noises were emitting from his throat. Xander was so full of shock, that he didn't notice the discarded pair of Doc Martins on the floor. Incidentally, he tripped. This caused a serious of events to then occur.
Xander fell forward, reaching out to grab something in order to save himself from falling. He grabbed Spike's beloved coat, which was hanging by itself on a coat rack. The coat rack fell forward, along with Xander. Xander let out a strangled yelp, caught somewhere between a cat in heat and a donkey getting it's butt spanked. This made Spike wake up, just in time to get hit on the head with the coat rack. The vampire let out a squawk of fear, before getting so tangled in his sheets that he fell off the bed.
Xander fought with the Duster of Doom, praying he wouldn't suffocate. Finally, he managed to kick the duster off of his body and pull the boots out from where they were digging into his back. Letting out a moan of pain, he struggled to his feet in time to see Spike peeking over the edge of his bed, hair ruffled from sleep and eyes half-closed. Xander fought hard not to think what he then thought, but lost that battle very quickly. Spike simply looked adorable!
"Bloody hell." Spike cursed, shaking his head as though to clear it. His blue eyes suddenly narrowed. "Whelp? What do you want?"
"Ummm, well, not to be killed by your coat for one thing." Xander replied. He watch in part horror as Spike got to his feet, not at all ashamed by his nudity. Spike walked around the bed, a fact that Xander noticed brought the vampire closer to himself. The vampire then paused, looking slightly befuddled, and scratching idly at his nether regions. Xander let out a squeak.
"So, what did you want, then?" Spike asked. "Got a Big Bad that needs killing? You do know that it's daytime, right?"
"No, really?" Xander asked, rolling his eyes. "We need information. I have a shiny nickel for the vampire that helps out!"
"Will you bloody well get to the point?" Spike snapped, finally kneeling to dig under his bed. He pulled out a pair of black jeans.
"All right, there is an egg." Xander started.
"You better as hell not start rhyming to me."
"Will you let me finish?" Xander asked. Spike rolled his eyes and slipped on his pants. "I woke up this morning to my doorbell ringing. There was an oversized egg at my doorstep."
"Look, if you're just here to pull my leg then-"
"What? No! I don't want to... Pull your leg." Xander said, glancing down as Spike adjusted himself in order to zip his jeans up. "I'm serious. We don't know anything about it, so I figured you might..."
"Fine. Where is it?" Spike asked.
"Why?" Xander asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
"The bloody egg!"
"At... The Magic Box." Xander said slowly. He wasn't about to let Spike get a hold of his egg! So, therefore, he would take the vampire to a place where he could be monitered while inspecting the egg.
"Right, then. Come on." Spike ordered, pulling on the rest of his clothing.
"We're going to the Magic Box." Spike said simply.
"Yes, we are." Spike growled.
"I'm not getting into the sewer with you." Xander informed him.
"Like hell you are!" Xander let out a yelp as Spike grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the sewer entrance.
Xander wondered for a brief moment if he didn't broadcast his thoughts to the world at large. When he and Spike arrived at the Magic Box, Giles and Company were already there. The egg had been placed in the corner, left all alone. Xander quickly rushed to it's aid, grabbing a couple of cushions that Giles had for sale and placed the egg in a chair. He positioned the cushions just so, allowing the egg a sense of freedom, and yet keeping it from falling off. Spike watched all of this with an amused glint in his eyes.
"Right, this is it?" He asked, poking the egg in one of it's green spots. Xander batted his hand away.
"Do you know where it might originate from?" Giles asked. "I've pulled out all of the books I could think of. Even the Eggs and Bacon Encyclopedia, but there was nothing in it about speckled eggs that rang doorbells."
"There's an Eggs and Bacon Encyclopedia?" Xander asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Of course there is." Giles looked offended, so Xander wisely backed off.
"Well, I'm sure... Bob isn't evil." Buffy said. "I don't get an evil vibe from it at all."
"Bob? Who's Bob?" Spike asked, glancing around.
"Bob is Xander's egg." Willow said. For once she didn't laugh. It looked, for a small moment, like she had gotten over Xander's choice in names. That is, until she sent Xander's smirk.
"Bloody hell, you named it Bob?" Spike asked in horror.
"Yes." Xander glared.
"Well, it's no wonder your bird left you-"
"Hey, how did you know?" Xander exclaimed.
"Anya broke up with you?" Willow asked, developing an expression of sympathy.
"Yeah, last night." Xander replied with a sigh.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Willow said in a comforting tone.
"Who cares?" Spike demanded. "The point of the matter is that he named the egg Bob! Bob! What kind of bloody name is Bob? It's obviously not a Bob."
"It looks like a Bob!" Xander defended.
"Does not." Spike replied with a snort. "He's obviously a Wilbur."
"W-Wilbur?" Xander blinked, before glaring. "Wilbur? You want to name the egg Wilbur? What in the hell is wrong with you?"
"Wilbur is a perfectly good name! Reminds me of a Wilbur I once knew." Spike replied, sending the egg a rather fatherly look.
"Okay, now I'm scared." Buffy stated.
"Absolutely fascinating." Giles murmured.
"No, it's just weird." Willow corrected, watching Spike and Xander argue. It was then that the door jangled, announcing the entrance of Tara. Everyone turned to look at her, causing the witch to blush slightly and look away. She quickly darted over to Willow's side and sat down. "We're looking for the origins of Xander's pet egg."
"Oi, it's not a pet!" Spike growled. Xander turned and glared at her. Willow looked from the angry vampire to the agitated human and back again, then promptly broke into a fit of giggles. "Bloody hell."
"Yeah, Willow." Xander shook his head. "Why can't you take this seriously? This is a living thing we are talking about! Look at it! It's so cute."
Spike and Xander immediately began fighting over who would coddle the egg.
"Bloody hell, you'll drop it! You'll crack or scuff it's shiny shell." Spike insisted. Spike knelt in front of the egg's chair and pet the top of it's shell, where the bleached spot was. "What do you know, it looks just like me."
"It does not!" Xander exclaimed, shoving Spike out of the way. Spike being, well, a vampire, didn't even react to Xander's pushing hands. "Move out of the way. It's my egg!"
"You don't deserve it." Spike growled.
"It came to me!" Xander yelled.
"Stop yelling! You might scare it!" Spike screamed.
And just like that, the fight was on. One moment Spike was stroking the smooth egg, and the next he and Xander were rolling around the floor. They were throwing punches and kicks like an animated cat fight. Spike could be heard cursing Xander and the chip, as it shocked him with every poke and prod that landing on Xander's delicate flesh. Willow, Giles, Buffy, and Tara watched as the duo continued to fight.
"So, I'm to assume t-this is because of the egg?" Tara finally asked.
"Apparently. Or they've both gone off their rocker." Giles replied, ignoring the two in favor of burying his face in a large tome.
"Perhaps it has a spell on it?" Tara questioned in a reasonable enough tone. Buffy, Willow, and Giles looked up in shock. It was strange that the idea had never crossed their mind before. Tara blushed again and looked away as they continued to stare at her.
"Dammit, Spike!" Xander yelled, catching their attention. The boys had finally stopped fighting and now lay, panting, on the ground. Well, Xander was panting. Spike seemed to be enjoying listening to Xander whine as he held him down. "Get off me!"
"Nope, don't want to." Spike smirked.
"Oh my God, I think Bob is going to fall!" Xander exclaimed. Spike immediately leapt off of Xander and rushed to the egg's side. The egg sat, perfectly still and perfectly safe, with an air of smugness about it. Spike turned to Xander with a snarl.
"That wasn't funny." Spike said, his face slowly morphing into a pout. Xander forced himself to look away, in order to keep 'Squee! He's so cute!' thoughts out of his head. "And it's name is Wilbur."
"No, it's not!" Xander growled. Spike narrowed his eyes. "Don't make me beat you."
"Bring it on, sister." Spike replied with a sneer.
"Is it just me, or are they starting to enjoy this?" Buffy asked, watching as Spike and Xander once again rolled around the ground. Willow and Tara shared a look, while Giles merely pulled off his glasses and cleaned them in that age old custom.
"Just go over and grab it." Giles urged. Tara, Willow, Buffy, and him glanced over at Spike and Xander, who were sitting next to the egg. Every once in a while, they would hear one of the other raise their voice over what to name the egg. Spike was still insisting it to be called 'Wilbur'. Xander thought he was psychotic for even mentioning such a name for the egg.
"I-I don't think-" Tara started, fidgeting slightly.
"We need to get it away from them." Buffy interrupted. "It could be causing serious harm to their psyches... Or something. Also, observation! We need to observe the egg in order to determine if it's a spell."
"Actually-" Tara started again.
"Honey, we really think you're best for this job." Willow gave her a small hug. "You're the least dangerous of us all, after all."
Tara took a moment to give Willow a dirty look. Well, as dirty a look as a person like Tara could muster. Tara was, after all, a very strong witch, but also a terribly sweet person. She wished the others would just listen to her. It was fully possible for her or Willow to perform a spell in order to determine whether the egg was under the influence. It was rather simple, yet the others didn't seem to understand that. With a sigh, Tara took an uneasy step towards Spike and Xander. What she heard when she stepped up to them, almost made her run the other direction.
"Well, Wilbur can't rightly have two fathers." Spike insisted, crossing his arms and sending Xander a glare.
"You're not Bob's father!" Xander hissed. "If anything, you'd be the mother."
"What?" Spike growled. Tara covered her mouth and thanked whatever Goddess that was listening that they had yet to notice her presence.
"You do wear make-up." Xander informed him.
"I do not!" Spike gasped. "I... Just have thick eyelashes, is all."
Tara let out a snort, alerting both boys of the fact that she was standing right next to them. They both immediately stood between her and the egg, blocking it from her view. They narrowed their eyes, looking like a duo of lionesses defending their pride. Normally, Tara had a great deal of control over her emotions. This time, however? She burst out into giggles and had to run away.
The next to be sent over was Willow. Willow lifted her pixie nose into the air and stomped over, all business. She knew Xander couldn't deny her anything, unless she was trying to cast a spell on or around him, or within a two mile radius. So, she walked over thinking she was going to get her way. The egg would be her's... To test, of course. Much like with Tara, as she drew near the boys did not notice her presence, giving her a chance to listen in on them.
"It won't be right, Wilbur having two fathers." Spike was insisting. By the look on Xander's face, Willow could tell they had been talking about it for a while.
"Why not? Statistics show that children growing up with same-sex parents are just as stable as children growing up with parents of the opposite sex." Xander crossed his arms, looking rather intellectual. Spike gave him an odd look.
"Why are you so bloody concerned about it?" Spike asked suspiciously.
"Well... I..." Xander gestured at the egg. "It's my egg! I'm worried about... It's future!"
"Oh, Hecate above!" Willow exclaimed in exasperation. She was tired of hearing about that egg in such a righteous tone.
Immediately, she was aware that she had said the wrong thing. Spike started growling and Xander's face got all droopy. Those large brown eyes watered and Willow found herself about to cry. Unable to take it, she ran back to the rest and buried her face in Tara's shoulder. Buffy let out an annoyed sound, before flexing her Slayer muscles and strutting over to Spike and Xander.
"Give me the damn egg." She ordered in a Slayer-tone. Spike let out another growling and charged at her, tackling her to the ground. He let out a yelp of pain when they both hit the floor, before rolling over and gripping his head.
"Buffy!" Xander exclaimed. Buffy let out a small groan, before crawling to her feet. "How dare you demand something like that? Have you no... Decency?"
"Fine." Buffy sighed. "I'm sorry."
She slowly walked back to the group, frowning the whole way. Giles raised an eyebrow to her as she approached. "Was that at all necessary? You've probably put them on guard now."
"Oh, like there weren't before?" Buffy rolled her eyes. "If you think you could do better, let's see it."
"Fine." Giles adjusted his glasses, straightened his shirt, and developed a frighteningly fatherly look.
"Oh my God. You lie to us!" Buffy insisted as though her greatest trust had been insulted. "You pretend to be all good Watcher and father figure, but it's all an act!"
"Yes, Buffy." Giles said in a tired sort of voice. "I'm actually a carefree transsexual from Transylvania."
"Huh?" Buffy looked confused. Giles ignored her, leaving Willow to explain the cult classic movie. Instead, he walked casually over to Spike and Xander, who were once again arguing. Every once in a while, one of them would reach over and stroke the egg.
"Pardon me-?" Giles started.
"Giles! What is wrong with everyone? They want my egg-" Xander demanded.
"Our egg!" Spike interjected.
"Right, our egg!"
"Umm, well, I... Books!" Giles blurted out. He really had no clue as to what to say, or for that matter what he had just said. The way they were acting was really weird. It threw him severely off balance. All he knew was that Spike and Xander were looking at him like he was the crazy one.
"Books?" Xander asked.
"Yes, well, I need... Books." Giles replied, slowly. "I need both of you to go to L.A. and retrieve the... Metamorphosis of...the Locklarthons... Tribe." Giles really hoped somewhere in L.A. there was a book called that. "It's very critical. It may very well save the world."
"Well, I don't feel like it." Spike pouted. Giles tried to not hit him.
"Do you want a world without eggs to come bearing upon us!" Giles hissed. Xander gasped and clutched Spike's arm. Spike was in such shock that he didn't push the mortal away. "It may very well happen if you don't retrieve the book. I will take care of... Wilbur-Bob while you are gone. The city is no place for an egg of that sort of... Charisma."
"You won't let the Slayer cook him?" Spike asked, worried.
"Or Willow send it to a hell dimension?" Xander added.
"Or the blonde witch... Well, actually I'm not too worried about her." Spike admitted.
"Yeah, Tara will be fine." Xander agreed.
"Exactly. Me and Tara will protect the egg." Giles told them.
"Okay." Xander took a deep breath and Spike nodded. "We'll do it... For all the eggs of the world."
Meanwhile, in L.A....
"Oh, no!" Cordelia gasped, her hand reaching up to press against her temple. Wesley and Gunn looked up from the sofa, where they had been pretending to read and sharpen things.
"What is it? A horrid demon needing to be slaughtered before the world comes to an end?" Wesley asked in an excited voice as they darted across the hotel lobby to Cordelia's side.
"Oh, please, no!" Cordelia moaned, before raising her voice to high pitched scream. "Angel! Get your ass down here! We have trouble coming and their names are Spike and Xander!"
"Umm, Angel's not here..." Wesley informed her.
"Where is he?" She asked, growling slightly. Wesley looked over at Gunn for help.
"Oh no." Gunn whispered to him, hoping Cordelia couldn't hear him. "I am not telling the crazy white girl that her undead boss went to get his hair highlighted."
Giles, much Xanderís surprise, handed over the keys to his new midlife crisis. As Spike had once said, it was red and phallic in shape. It came with a set of keys, and enough lecture to fill all the times Xander had gone without fatherly guidance in his childhood. Spike insisted on driving. Xander was a bit too busy saying goodbye to the egg, and taking a picture to show it off, to protest. After a quick stop at Xander's apartment, where he gathered enough clothes to last him a couple of days, they set off.
Xander seriously thought he was going to die in the two hours it took to get to L.A. Was it so difficult for Spike to chose a radio station and stick to it? Apparently it was very difficult.
"Bloody boy bands. They call that punk?" Spike growled, poking at the radio fiercely.
"You know, I have some..." Xander trailed off as Spike sent him a dirty look. "Yeah, okay."
"This is more like it." Spike began bobbing his head as a low beat began vibrating the seats of the car. Xander stared at the radio, listening as rap music took over the air. For a moment, he truly thought he couldn't breath. Xander had no clue Spike enjoyed rap music, if it could be called music. It wasn't until he actually paid attention to the lyrics that he realized Spike just listened to it because it talked about sex and degraded women.
"Damn it all... Why do they have to play this shit!" Spike exclaimed, poking the radio once more. Xander got the feeling Spike did not like Destiny's Child. Somehow, and Xander didn't really care how, but somehow Spike found a station that played British punk. The sounds of the Sex Pistols and The Clash, along with the newer groups, soon blasted from the speakers.
Now that the station had been safely chosen, Xander was forced to endure Spike's driving. The man drove much like Xander imagined a vampire had sex. Spike's hand rested on the steering wheel lightly, guiding the massive car through the small spaces between the other cars and semi-trucks. Pushing some off the road, and simply causing the others to gasp and stare. The entire time, Spike face held a look of glee and sense of naughtiness that sent shivers down his mortal spine.
Not that he thought Spike's driving was sexy. Spike's driving was like having heart surgery. It could make you stronger in the end, or could kill you. Xander suspiciously thought that was Spike's plan all along. As Xander checked his seat belt for the fifth time, he became aware of Spike sighing.
"What?" Xander asked in annoyance. He was trying to be scared out of his wits at the moment.
"Nothing." Spike said with a small pout.
"No, tell me." Xander ordered. Spike sent him a glare. "I'm serious. I want to know. Call me insane, but I just might care."
"Haven't you noticed that we aren't... Well, as worried about Wilbur as we was?" Spike asked slowly.
"I am so worried about Bob. And it's Bob, not Wilbur."
"Don't get me started on that!" Spike snapped. Xander grumbled under his breath, before taking a moment to actually think about what Spike had said.
"Wow." Xander shook his head slightly. "You're right... I'm not at all worried about him..." Xander frowned. "Maybe... Maybe that's normal? My parents never worried about me when they went on vacation."
"Yeah, well, your parents are a bunch of piss ants." Spike growled. "I'm a good father."
"Mother." Xander corrected, leaning down to grab his bag. He shuffled through everything before pulling out a large glossy picture that had been developed in under thirty minutes, thanks to Spike's argumentative skills, at the nearest Wal-Mart. In the picture was the large, speckled egg. It's bleached top shined brightly from the camera's flash. Xander let out a small sigh of contentment, before showing Spike.
"He really does look just like me." Spike said in a proud sort of voice. Xander rolled his eyes and hugged the picture of the egg up to his chest. Spike let out a grunt. "Well, I suppose this means were are still loving parents."
"Yeah, we are, aren't we?" Xander grinned.
Neither seemed to stop and think of how easily they were agreeing to each other being a part of the egg's life. Xander ignored the fluttery feeling in his stomach, marking it up to the eighteen wheeler heading in their direction. Spike swerved away at the last moment, grinning like a maniac.
Meanwhile, In Sunnydale...
"I'm not getting anything." Willow exclaimed, pushing away from her microscope. "The shell is normal. It's made of the same material as ostrich eggs."
"You mean it's an ostrich?" Buffy asked, staring at the egg with wide eyes.
"No, but... I donít know..." Willow glanced at the egg. "You don't think Xander will notice the part of the shell we chipped off, do you?"
"Well, I certainly hope not." Giles said, honestly. He turned to Tara, who sat on the floor, surrounded by candles. "Have you discovered anything?"
"Nothing." Tara let out a sigh. "There has only been one spell placed on it, and that was the spell to get Xander's doorbell to ring until he took the egg inside."
"Yes, ah, I suppose we can cease. Take a small break." Giles announced. The others began gathering their things. It took Giles a moment to realize that the girls had suddenly stopped moving. They stared at Giles as though he were an ostrich, himself.
"Giles..." Buffy giggled slightly. "Look at your hand."
Giles frowned and looked down at his hand, which was gently caressing the eggs surface.
Gunn was used to weird shit going down. After hanging out at the Hyperion for the past couple of months, he realized that bizarre stuff stuck to Sunnydale residents, current and former, like flies stuck to feces. Which, now that he thought about it, wasn't a pretty picture. With a sigh, Gunn followed Wesley with his eyes as he paced the lobby floor, cordless phone attached to his ear.
"He's become rather attached, you say?" Wesley was asking, his voice inquisitive. "Perhaps it only effects males, then?" Pause. "No, they have yet to arrive." An all-suffering sigh. "Yes, Buffy, I'm perfectly aware-" Wesley glanced over at Gunn. The darker man tried not to laugh at the look on his face. "Buffy. Buffy! I will investigate them when they arrive. Until then I suggest you try to keep Giles away from the egg." A pause, in which Wesley tried not to laugh. He made a small note on his notepad. "I don't care what you must do. Surely you can over power him... Buffy? Hello?" Wesley let out another sigh and rolled his eyes. "Buffy? ...What did you do?" Wesley gave a slight smile. "I see. Yes, well... Keep me updated. All right, then."
"Well?" Angel asked, pausing briefly from patting at his newly highlighted hair.
"It appears a Slayer is indeed stronger than her Watcher." Wesley commented, sitting down next to Gunn. Gunn immediately threw his arm over Wesley's shoulder, watching as Wesley began chuckling. "She... Heehee... Buffy... Heehee!"
"Buffy, what?" Cordelia asked, impatient.
"She tied him up in the bathtub!" Wesley exclaimed, before burying his face into Gunn's neck to hide his laughter.
"I demand you release me at once!" Giles glared. He tugged uselessly at the rope binding his arms.
"No can do, Giles." Buffy grinned, her arms crossed.
"Willow!" Giles hissed. The redhead peeked over Buffy's shoulder. "Talk some sense into her. This is hardly reasonable."
"I'm sorry, Giles, but you're under the influence of the egg." Willow said in a pleading sort of tone.
"I am not under the... That is preposterous!" Giles shifted inside his bathtub, attempting to get away from the faucet, which was poking him in the back. "The egg is not at all attractive to me. I feel nothing toward it, except a strong sense of disappointment and amusement."
"If that's not fatherly feelings then I don't know what is." Buffy commented. Tara could be heard giggling slightly from the hallway.
"I can not believe this!" Giles exclaimed. "This is what I get for allowing you to move the investigation to my home. And another thing! I do not have fatherly feelings for Wilbur-Bob."
"Aha!" Willow piped up, her head once again popping up from behind Buffy. "But you called it Wilbur-Bob!"
"Well, I have to respect the parents' wishes." Giles replied in a sort of tone that explained that, yes, he knew he was insane, but, no, he didn't care. "As the grandfat-"
"The what?" Buffy asked, narrowing her eyes. Giles looked away and fiddled with his ropes. "The what?"
"Bloody hell! Fine! As the grandfather, I must ensure Wilbur-Bob's safety until Spike and Xander return." Giles snapped. Buffy and Willow stared at him, eyes wide. Tara giggled again. With a sigh, Giles suspected he would be inside the tub until Spike and Xander returned home. Hopefully the egg would be safe.
"Are you sure they will let us stay here?" Xander asked, peering up at the large hotel.
"Do I care?" Spike asked with a snort as he pulled out their bags.
"Good point." Xander agreed, snagging his bag and walking up to the door. He moved to ring the ancient looking doorbell, but had his hand batted away by Spike. Spike gave him an amused look before shoving the door open and dragging the mortal inside.
"Oi! Bell-hop! Bags, please." Spike snapped his fingers at the large black man sitting on the sofa. The large black man, and did Xander mention he was large?, raised an eyebrow at them and opened his mouth to speak.
"Spike!" A high pitched voice exclaimed. Xander watched in a fascinated sort of horror as Cordelia Chase stormed out of what looked like an office and stopped in front of the vampire with her hands on her hips. Xander noticed a worried look appear in Spike's eyes, before disappearing. He didn't blame him. "What are you doing here? You don't plan on poking Angel with hot pokers again, do you? Because that is so last season!"
"I thought they looked rather well on him." Spike commented. Cordelia narrowed one eye, which only proved to make her look even more dangerous, instead of stupid like it would on some. Spike smirked.
"Uh, hey, Cordy." Xander said, peering around Spike.
"Xander?" Cordelia stared at Xander a moment, looking like she wanted to sneer and mock his clothing, before letting out a rather... Girlish squeal and pulling him into a hug, shoving Spike to the ground in the process. "Wow, look at you! You look... Like a man! I never though I'd see the day."
"Umm, well, thanks?" Xander replied, patting Cordelia on the back. She pulled away with a thousand watt smile.
"Well, Angel's upstairs brooding, as per usual." Cordelia informed then, dragging Xander through the Hyperion lobby. He ignored the pain shooting up his arm, having gotten used to Spike dragging him around the past nine hours. "Wesley's researching that egg thing-"
"Wilbur." Spike interjected. The man in the lobby snorted.
"It's Bob!" Xander growled. Spike narrowed his eyes, but said nothing.
"Anyway!" Cordelia let go of Xander's arm and crossed her own. "Sheesh! Rude, much? I was talking here." She gestured toward the black man. "That's Gunn. He's not doing much of anything right now. We haven't anything to go kill, and since he can't sexually abuse Wesley right now, he's stuck sitting there like a lump."
"Aren't you miss sunshine." Gunn commented. Cordelia merely raised an eyebrow at him.
"So..." Cordelia took a deep breath. "What do you want?"
"Umm, we need the... The..." Xander frowned and looked at Spike. "What was that book?"
"Bugger if I know." Spike replied.
"You're the one with the good memory, dumbass!" Xander glared. "What happened to the photographic memory all vamps have?"
"That only works when you're paying attention, pet."
"I can't believe you!" Xander exclaimed, looking as though Spike had just slapped him. "Is this how you would react against our Bob? Just ignore the poor thing and not pay attention? Some mother you'd be."
"Father." Spike growled low in his throat. "And I wouldn't forget about Wilbur. I wouldn't abandon him, like some people's parents."
"Are you implying that I'd be just like my father?" Xander asked, stepping up to Spike.
"Like father, like son. Or so they say." Spike replied. Xander let out a howl of anger and tackled Spike to the ground. Cordelia and Gunn watched in shock as the two began rolling around the floor, punching and kicking. Both let out yelps of pain, accompanied often by a 'bloody chip'.
"Are they ever going to stop? This is starting to get annoying." Gunn commented. Cordelia let out a sigh of agreement.
"I don't even think they are fighting anymore." Wesley said. He had exited the office at the sounds of arguing, only to find Spike and Xander rolling around on the ground. While, true, it was at first a fight. There had been punches thrown and Xander had been kicking like a dog in some battle to the death. Now, however... Wesley tilted his head and watched as the couple merely rolled. Almost as though they were just simply using it as an excuse to have their bodies pressed against one another.
"That should not be sexy." Gunn muttered into Wesley's ear.
"Mmm, yeah, pet." Spike suddenly moaned.
"Oh, God!" Cordelia exclaimed, covering her eyes as Spike suddenly pulled Xander into a deep kiss.
"What is going on down here?!" A voice boomed. Spike let out a growl as a large land pulled him off of Xander and away from their kiss.
"Go away, Peaches, I'm busy!" Spike said, fighting to get to Xander.
"Yeah, Deadboy, leave us alone." Xander insisted. Angel stood between him and Spike, his arms out to block them from getting closer to each other. Xander let out a whine of protest. "Parents are suppose to love each other. That's all we are doing."
"Yeah, what he said." Spike piped up, stretching out a hand to touch Xander's chest. Angel looked skyward and shook his head.
"Is redemption really worth this?" Angel muttered. He pushed Spike into the nearest chair and pointed a finger at him. "Stay." Before dragging Xander over to the sofa, as far from Spike as he could get without leaving the room. "You stay as well... Now, can someone please tell me what is going on here?"
"Apparently, there is another side effect of that egg Buffy called about." Wesley announced. "It seems both Spike and Xander are under the impression they are the parents to the egg-"
"Wilbur!" Spike growled, cutting Wesley off.
"Bob!" Xander added.
"That's horrible." Cordelia said in shock. "You can't name someone, or something as the case may be, Wilbur or Bob! Name it Brendan, Taylor, Joshua, or possibly Cordelia."
"I'm not naming Wilbur after a bint like you." Spike grumbled. He flinched as Cordelia raised a hand to slap him. Gunn quickly grabbed her wrist and patted her back in order to calm her down.
"That's it." Cordelia jerked her hand out of Gunn's grip. "I'm calling Buffy. She's the Slayer, let her slay."
"Nooo!" Xander howled, leaping to his feet to chase after Cordelia and into the office. They all listened -- Spike in amusement and Gunn, Wesley, and Angel in horror -- as Cordelia let out a high pitched shriek. There was a clatter that sounded like a phone being thrown against a wall, followed by a loud thump. There was yelling, in a pitch that no man could understand and caused dogs to howl in agony, and then a series of loud bangs. Finally, Cordelia stomped out of the office, brushing back her hair, her face red. Xander was no where to be seen.
"Bloody hell, what did you do to him?" Spike demanded.
"Nothing." Cordelia said in an innocent voice.
"Damn it all, woman, I can't raise that egg by myself! You better have not done too much damage." Spike exclaimed, before darting toward the office. The four Angel Investigations employees watched with wide eyes, before turned toward Wesley.
"Yes, well, I suppose I should call Sunnydale and let them in on... The... Err, newest information." Wesley cleared his throat before going in search of a phone that was nowhere near Spike and Xander.
Buffy stared it down, much like she stared down any beast that tried to take over Sunnydale. Her upper lip raised slightly, showing off one of her canines, and she emitted a small growl. Her hand tightened around the axe, feeling it's heavy weight and comfort. It stared back at her, seemingly unknowing to the world around it. Unknowing to the danger that awaited it.
"All right, egg, this town isn't big enough for the both of us." Buffy drawled.
"This is taking forever." Dawn complained. She began gathering her school books. "I'm not staying around here to watch Buffy beat up a stupid egg."
Buffy ignored her little sister as she slammed Giles' door. Instead, all her attention remained on the egg, which peered up at her through a top-bleached and speckled shell. Distantly, she heard Giles yelling curses in the bathroom upstairs, but she ignored them. The battle was here, in the living room.
"You think you can survive me, bub?" Buffy asked. "Isnít going to happen. You're messing with the Slayer."
"Buffy, as amusing as this is, could you maybe...?" Willow made a cutting gesture. "Get it over with? Wesley's on hold, waiting the results. Apparently Spike and Xander are doing naughty things. So, a little faster?"
Buffy nodded and tried to force the image of Spike and Xander writhing around, naked and sweaty, on Angel's desk while the souled vampire watched from the doorway. Taking a deep breath, she strengthened her resolve.
Slowly, she raised the axe. Slowly, she shifted it's weight in her hand. Slowly, she adjusted it for the perfect angle. Slowly, Willow glanced at the clock and sighed in annoyance. Slowly, Wesley waited over the phone. Slowly, Tara peeked into the living room via the kitchen, soapy sponge and dirty dish in hand. Slowly, oh so very slowly, Giles let out a howl of anger. Slowly, Buffy let out her own howl, filled with triumph and glee about getting to cut something up in Giles' apartment without his permission. Slowly, the axe came down.
With a speed that could out run a cheetah, Buffy was thrown back and into the wall. Groaning, she rolled over, axe falling uselessly to the floor. With a hum of thought, Willow lifted the phone to her ear. "Didn't work... Nope, threw her across the room... Yeah, we'll check it for more spells." A pause. "Try hosing them down."
"Spike, I've made a decision." Xander announced. Spike ignored him, focusing all his attention on the controller in his hands. Next to him, Gunn held his own controller. "Spike, are you listening to me?"
"Bloody hell, pet, I'm busy!" Spike excalimed. There was a series of dramatic noises from the television. Spike let out a howl of anger and threw his controller across the room, where it got caught on the cord attatching it to the game console mid-way and somehow managed to swing back to hit Spike in the head. "God dammit!"
"And another bites the dust." Gunn said smugly. "Man, you vampires are horrible at this game."
"It's that ponce Sagat!" Spike defended. "I knew I should have chosen Chun Li. That chit can fight."
"Okay, are you two done playing Street Fighter long enough to listen to me?" Xander asked, crossing his arms. Spike let out a huge sigh.
"What?" He asked, standing.
"I miss my egg." Xander informed him. He ignored Gunn snort of amusement. "We need to find that stupid book Giles wants. I think I've figured out the title, seeing how Buffy refuses to let me on the phone with Giles, though I have no idea why... Spike?" Xander's large brown eyes looked imploringly at the vampire. Immediately, Spike pulled him into a hug. "You... You don't think they are hurting Bob, do you?"
"They better not be." Spike said in a hard voice. "Chip or no chip, I'll tear that Slayer apart if she touches one bit of that shell."
"God, will you two stop that?" Cordelia asked in a loud whine as she entered the lobby. "Every time I walk into a room, you two are cuddling. What is up with that? There is no way that egg is controlling you this much."
"Shut up, pom-pom." Spike growled, before grabbing Xander's hand and dragging him toward the library. Xander happly followed and they soon found themselves face to face with a studying Wesley.
"May I help you?" Wesley asked without looking up.
"All right, Mini-Watcher, where would I find the Metamorphosis of Lockhart?" Spike demanded.
"I thought it was the Metamorphosis of Lothlorian." Xander muttered.
"That's Lord of the Rings, whelp." Spike said. "It was the Metamorphosis of Locklay Trend..." Spike frowned. "Wait... No... Yeah, yeah. That's right."
"Are you sure?" Xander asked.
"Yes." Spike insisted.
"Which is a pity, becasue there is no book called the Metamorphosis of Locklay Trend." Wesley informed them with an eye roll.
"Bugger." Spike hissed. "Well never find that damn book and get back to Wilbur."
"Yeah, I mean, we might as well be looking for something about Locklarthons Tribe." Xander commented.
Wesley's head shot up and he stared at the two as they made their way out the door. For a moment he debated telling them that he actualy had a book called the Metamorphosis of the Locklarthons Tribe, which he was currently using to prop the office door open. But by the time the thought was in his head, Spike and Xander were gone. Wesley shrugged and went back to researching the egg.
"This is absolutely horrid." Giles informed Buffy, making a disgusted face. "Didn't I teach you better than this?"
"Sorry to dissapoint, oh wise one." Buffy rolled her eyes and sat the cup of tea on the bathroom counter. "We Americans have yet to learn the beauty that is loose tea." Giles appeared to ignore her, choosing istead to pick at his rope-bound wrists. "Anyway, I've got to go downstairs and watch over Willow and Tara. Never know how that mojo will turn out."
"What? No! What are they doing?" Giles demanded in horror. Buffy simply grinned wickedly.
"Ah, I see." Wesley said, holding the phone to his ear. He ignored Gunn, who stood behind him. "So, the egg still remains spell-less. How odd..." Wesley batted Gunn's wandering hands away. "Hmm? ...What do you mean you don't know how to make tea? Buffy, that is..." A pause, in which Wesley hid a grin. "I'm well aware of your American upbringing, but surely Giles has... Oh? He hasn't taught to you the beauty of tea? Pity..." Wesley turned to roll his eyes at Gunn. "Yes, Buffy. Of course, I'm listening to you... You do realize I will have to send Spike and Xander back someday? ...No, I can't keep them." Wesley chuckled. "All right then... Yes, Buffy. ...Of course, Buffy. Good-bye."
There was a short silence in the room, in which Gunn attempted to pull Wedsley into a passionate kiss. Wesley, however, pulled away and started walking toward the office door. "Why is it Buffy actually wants to talk to me, now that I'm not longer in Sunnydale?"
"Maybe because you no longer have that stick up your ass." Gunn offered.
"Honestly." Wesley scoffed.
"Well, Wes, it's true. Can't have a stick up your ass when I'm there." Gunn grinned. Wesley stared at him a moment, before bursting out into laughter.
"That was the worst insinuation I have ever heard, Charles." Wesley commented. With a sigh, he bent down and picked up a large book. The cover was a deep brown, and looked to have milky substance spilt on the spine. Wesley ignored the stain and made for the lobby.
"Where do you think you're going?" Gunn demanded, darting after Wesley. Wesley found hismelf being spun around until his back was pressed against the wall. His grip on the book nearly slipped as Gun rubbed up against his body.
"I've got..." Wesley took a deep, controlling breath. "Bloody... I've got a way to get rid of Spike and Xander."
"Really?" Gunn asked, his hands reaching to cup Wesley's buttocks. "Well, save it for later."
"He will not!" A demanding voice insisted. With a sigh, Gunn pulled away from Wesley and turned to give Cordelia a glare. She rolled her eyes. "You two can go make with the happy after we get rid of those two. I'll even let you do it inside the hotel."
"I can't believe he had this book the whole time and never told us." Xander said. He gripped the Metamorphosis of the Locklarthons Tribe tightly in his hands and eagerly watched as the dark landscape passed by his window. He was so excited, he didn't even blink when Spike swerved to knock some random guy on a motorcycle off the highway. "Finally, we can get home and back to Bob."
"Wilbur." Spike corrected.
"Shut up." Xander replied. Spike grinned.
The drive back to Sunnydale was about as eventless as the drive to L.A. Meaning, of course, there were about five car pileups and Giles' speakers were getting a workout due the thumping beat of punk rock. Xander didnít care, though. He was heading home to the egg.
Naturally, he would be happy to see the Scoobies as well....
Xander soon found himself in front of Giles' apartment, luggage in hand. They entered the apartment to find Willow standing between the kitchen and living room and Buffy sitting in a chair, glaring at the sofa. They could hear the sound of Tara in the kitchen. Xander followed Buffy's line of vision to see the egg, in all it's glory. Grinning, Xander ran over to the sofa and sat down next to it, reaching out to stroke it's smooth shell. "How are you doing? Were you good for your Aunt Tara and Grandpa Giles? Did Aunt Willow and Aunt Buffy hurt you in any way?"
"Bloody hell, pet, it can't talk yet." Spike informed him.
"You know damn well Bob can hear our voice." Xander said, looking on the verge of a pout.
"So, where's the Watcher?" Spike asked, changing the subject. The vampire gestured toward the book in Xander's hands. "We got his book."
"Umm... He's... Upstairs." Willow said slowly. Spike tilted his head, as though listening, before making his way up the stairs. Xander eyed Willow, before hurrying after him.
"What the-?" Spike cut himself off as he reached the bathroom doorway. Xander, unable to hold in his curiosity, pushed past Spike to see inside. Sitting inside the bathtub, was a roped-up, haggard looking Giles.
"Giles?" Xander asked, confused. "You're in the tub."
"I'm well aware of that." Giles said in a calm voice.
"But... You're in the tub." Xander repeated.
"Precisely." Giles nodded.
"Spike... Giles is in the tub." Xander informed Spike, as though the vampire didn't know. Spike just simply stared. "Spike, I don't think you realize what is happening right now. Giles -- as in Rupert Giles, the Walking Encyclopedia -- is tied up in the bathtub."
"Honestly." Giles scoffed.
"But you're in the tub!" Xander once again repeated in a loud voice.
This seemed to shock Spike out of whatever reverie he had placed himself in. It was soft at first, soft enough to allow Xander to hear Giles mutter about how he was going to kill Buffy. Soft enough for Xander to almost think he didn't hear it at all. But then it seemed to explode into the air, filling up the room and spilling into the hallway. Spike griped the side of the door as giggle after giggle poured out of him. And, really, it could only be described as a giggle. Not a chuckle. Not a laugh. It was a giggle.
"Oh, that's just lovely." Giles said sarcastically.
"Oh my God!" Xander brought a hand up to cover his mouth.
"What?" Spike asked, mid-giggle.
"You're so cute!" Xander squealed, before pulling Spike into a hug. The shocked vampire went willingly, seemingly too surprised by Xander's exclamation to do anything about the public display of affection in front of Giles.
"Will you two stop it?" Giles asked in annoyance. "I'd like to get out of here, if you don't mind."
"No, I don't think so, Rupes." Spike grinned evilly. Giles watched in mute horror as, first, Spike's hand groped Xander, and then reached for the door. "Have fun. Maybe I can bring the telly in here later for you to watch, hmm?"
"Don't you dare!" Giles glared. "Xander? Xander!"
"Mmm?" Xander hummed absentmindedly as Spike continued to grope him. Giles knew he wasn't getting any help there.
"See you later, Watcher." Spike gave him a wave before the door shut, leaving the Watch alone in the dark. He really did hate that vampire.
"You are a naughty, naughty boy." Xander informed Spike in the hallway.
"Really?" Spike asked, leering. "Maybe I need spanked?"
"Oh, God, my ears!" Buffy wailed from the top of the stairs. Xander and Spike, who where currently pressed up against the wall together and touching each other in personal places, turned to watch Buffy sink to her knees and cover her eyes. "My beautiful, precious ears! Oh, and my eyes as well!"
"I think we traumatized her." Xander commented as Buffy proceeded to whine all the way downstairs. They could hear Willow gasping in shock. "And now we've traumatized Willow."
"You mean you didn't notice?" Tara's voice drifted upstairs, sounding surprised. There was a moment's pause. "I figured you knew they liked each other."
"I don't like it, pet." Spike shook his head in sadness. "It's getting harder and harder to shock that witch."
"I think..." Willow took a deep breath and peeked through the kitchen doorway and into the living room, where Spike and Xander were talking to the egg. "I think It's time for drastic measures."
"Will-" Tara started.
"You're right, Willow!" Buffy interrupted. "Those two are... It's not normal, I tell you! Not normal at all."
"Exactly. What we need to do is what we should have done from the start." Willow informed them. "We've been running all these tests on the egg and looking for spells cast on it, but we haven't even considered what spells may be cast on Xander and Spike."
"Hey, you're right!" Buffy gasped. "Oh, thank God. There really is no kissing or groping. Not that it wasn't a nice image, after I thought about it, but... It's Spike and Xander!"
"But I-" Tara started once more, before being cut off by Willow.
"I just need a sample of their hair, and I can do a spell to de-cloud their minds." Willow announced.
"Hair, right." Buffy nodded, before taking a deep breath and stomping into the living room. A second later, they heard Xander yelp and Spike curse a string of violent words. Buffy then returned, smug as usual.
"I can't believe you did that." Willow said calmly, now used to Buffy's ability to do pretty much anything that she wanted. Buffy grinned. Willow and Buffy quickly set up the spell, sending a rather un-amused looking Tara out to occupy Spike and Xander in the process.
Tara watched nervously as Spike and Xander talked in soft tones toward the egg. A part of her really wanted to stop Willow from whatever it was she was doing. The two men, all right, one man and one vampire, looked happy. It was strange, because Tara had never actually seen that look of happiness on Spike's face before.
She knew the exact moment Willow's spell was cast. Xander immediately stiffened. His eyes darted around the room, landing briefly on her, before focusing on Spike's hand, which resided on his thigh. Xander quickly shoved Spike away with a disgusted expression and jumped to his feet. Tara flinched at the hurt look on Spike's face.
"Whoa, watch it Deadboy, Jr." Xander growled. The set of brown eyes drifted over to the egg. He pointed at it, his face hardening. "You. You did this! I knew you weren't any good. I should have gotten rid of you from the start."
"Xan-" Spike started, watching in horror as Xander made a quick decision. Xander bit his lip, body tensed, before snatching the egg off the sofa. Spike jumped up to chase after him, but was stopped by the sun's rays as Xander darted out of Giles' apartment. Spike let out a mournful cry, dropping to his knees. "Nooo!"
"Oh, Goddess." Tara muttered, raising her hand to her mouth.
"What happened?" Willow asked, running into the living room. Spike let out a snarl and leapt to his feet. He shoved past Willow, ignoring the sharp pain of the chip, and ran up the stairs.
Giles jerked in surprise as Spike threw open the bathroom door. Breathing hard in anger, Spike stormed forward and began undoing Giles' ropes. "I do say, what is the problem?"
"That bitch of a witch cast something on the whelp." Spike replied, helping Giles out of the tub. "He took Wilbur. We've got to save him!" Giles stared at him. "Well, get a move on! I can't go after him, but you can."
"Right." Giles took a deep breath to steady himself. "Let this be known, Spike, that I do this for Wilbur-Bob and Xander, not for you. You may be the one Xander has chosen to raise this egg with, but that does not mean I have to accept it. You have yet to prove yourself to me."
"Right, right. Whatever, you lazy arsed Watcher!" Spike exclaimed, ushering Giles out of the bathroom. "Get a move on."
"You are dreadfully impatient." Giles informed him.
"Perfectly aware of that, Rupes." Spike shoved him from behind. Giles let out a small yelp, catching himself before he could fall down the stairs.
"I won't be able to catch Xander with you breaking my neck, you know." Giles said stiffly. Spike sighed annoyingly behind him. Shaking his head, Giles quickly went downstairs. He was greeted by a worried looking Tara. Willow and Buffy stood in the corner, peering out the curtained window with guilty expressions.
"You're going to look for him." Tara said softly.
"Yes, yes." Giles said, scratching idly at his head. "I'll go save Xander and his egg." He paused, before smiling at Tara. "Would you like to join me?"
"Umm, ah..." Tara glanced over at Willow, before shrugging. "Sure."
"You guys are wonderful." Spike said, his voice a little misty. "I'm definitely making you two the god-parents."
"Uh, t-thank you, Spike." Giles replied, giving Spike a strange look.
"Well, go!" Spike ordered. "Get me back my egg!"
Nine Blocks Away...
Xander nervously smiled at the lady standing next to him. She eyed him, and the overly large egg in his hands, before turning back to control panel of the elevator. She quickly hit the button for the nearest floor. Xander was thankful to see her go. He set the egg on the floor and moved to stand on the other side of the elevator.
"Okay, you. I know what you're trying to do here." Xander narrowed his eyes. "You wanted me to be seduced by Spike. Why, I have no idea, but it's not going to happen. You're ruining my life, do you understand?"
The egg said nothing as the elevator's doors opened. Xander picked up the egg, unconsciously making sure to hold it carefully. He walked swiftly down the hall and up a set of stairs to a lone door. With a deep, strengthening breath, he stepped out onto the roof of the tallest building in Sunnydale.
Giles griped the steering wheel tightly, noticing that the car seemed to pull to the left. He knew he shouldn't have let Spike drive his car.
"Do you think...?" Tara started, before stopping herself.
"Oh, out with it. I'm not going to bite you." Giles grumbled.
"Do you think Xander will hurt the egg?" Tara asked after a moment's pause.
"Oh, I hope not." Giles said, honestly. There was a small silence as Giles swerved into the turn lane. "What did Willow cast, anyway?"
"It was suppose to clear the mind." Tara informed him. "I wasn't in there when she did it, though... I hope she didn't, well, mess up."
"What do you mean?" Giles asked, suddenly looking very worried.
"Well, you know how Willow tends to pronounce the N's and S's wrong when speaking in Latin?" Tara offered.
"But that..." Giles pressed harder on the gas pedal. "If she used the spell that I'm thinking of, and Willow usually does, that would cloud his judgment, not clear it."
Tara didn't say anything. Instead, she griped the door handle tightly as Giles turned on the next street. She flew sideway, connecting with Giles for a moment, before flying back into her original position. Giles glanced over at her, looking mildly ashamed. "Sorry about that."
"It's alright." Tara said a little breathlessly. Tara peered out the window, her eyes darting from building to building. "Umm... Why do you suppose it didn't effect Spike?"
"Well, vampire physiology is rather different from that of humans. Their brains tend to react to certain wave lengths-" Giles started.
"In other words," Tara interrupted. "You don't know."
"Not at all." Giles admitted. "But, you've got to admit, Xander has always been more... Shall we say, weak toward magic?"
"So, maybe the egg's power is too strong for Willow's spell to overcome?" Tara asked, hopefully. "And, because like you said, vampires don't bend toward magic very easily, well, only Xander was effected. That would mean Willow cast a spell on them, as opposed to de-spelling them."
"Uh, well, yes." Giles said, blinking. He glanced over at Tara, wondering for a moment why she didn't talk more often. She really was rather bright.
Tara leaned toward the window, peering up at the sun-filled sky. The tops of the buildings angled down toward her. Down the street, on the roof of the telephone company's building, was a large white object. "Umm... Mr. Giles?"
"I think I found Xander."
It took ten minutes to find a parking spot, and another seven to find the elevators. By the time Giles and Tara made it to the roof of the building, they had wasted twenty-three whole minutes. They could see Xander's calm form at the edge of the roof, leaning against the railing. Sitting next to him, on the ground, was the egg. As they drew near, they noticed Xander was talking.
"I don't get it. I simply don't understand how this happened." Xander said, shaking his head. He turned to give the egg an odd look. "You are a very strange creature, you know that? I mean, you bounced! Jumped right off the pavement and... And you came back to me. Why? I've been so cruel!"
"Umm, Xander?" Tara said softly. Xander let out a yelp of shock, before turning around to face them. "Are you guys okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine." Xander looked a little sheepish. "Sorry about freaking out earlier. I donít know what happened to me."
"Willow cast a spell on you." Giles said bluntly.
"Oh." Xander's eyes narrowed slightly. "Well, Willow will be sad to know that I didn't kill Bob. ...Because he bounced."
"He bounced?" Giles asked.
"Yeah. Hit the pavement and flew right back up here." Xander looked down at the egg with a fond expression. "Came right back to me."
"I think he's under the egg's power again." Tara noted.
"Hmm, must have been them spending time alone together." Giles replied.
"Okay, you two can stop talking to me like I'm not here." Xander announced. "Let's get back to your house, Giles." He let out a sigh as he picked up the egg. "Spike is going to kill me."
"Oh, I'm sure he will not." Giles assured him.
Back At Giles'...
"I'm going to kill you!" Spike screeched when Xander entered the apartment. The vampire bounced from foot to foot, waiting impatiently for Xander to set the egg down. Once the egg was safely placed on the sofa, he leaped for Xander. The two fell to the floor and began rolling.
"Bloody hell, it never ends." Giles sighed in annoyance.
"Stop it!" Giles ordered. The two men ignored him and continued to roll across the living room floor. They bumped into one of the end tables and nearly sent one of Giles' lamps flying, except Buffy managed to use her Slayer reflexes for good and actually catch it. After another set of rolls, the two men stopped, Spike straddling Xander's waist and his hands fisted into Xander's shirt.
"I can't believe you tried to hurt the egg!" Spike accused, his voice sounding rather broken.
"I'm sorry!" Xander exclaimed. "How much more can I say it? I'm so sorry."
"He's ours." Spike muttered, his head leaning downward to press his forehead against Xander's. "You can't go destroying that, pet."
"Oh my god." Willow whispered, watching as Spike released Xander's shirt in order to stroke his cheek.
"I freaked." Xander admitted. "I did something stupid because of it. I... I donít' know why I did it, and I doubt you'll ever trust me with Bob again."
"Wilbur." Spike corrected absentmindedly.
"Buffy." Willow hissed, grabbing Buffy's shoulder. "Look at them!"
"I know, they're all... Cuddly and... Okay, that's kissing." Buffy replied, eyes wide. Indeed, Spike and Xander were curled up on the floor and enjoying a slow, leisurely kiss. Buffy shifted nervously. "Umm... Is it okay that I find that attractive?"
"I can't take this any longer!" Willow suddenly exclaimed. She rushed forward, dropping to her knees next to Spike and Xander. Xander glanced briefly at her and looked about to say something, but Spike did a very interesting move with his tongue within Xander's ear, leaving him unable to comprehend much of anything. "Xander? I'm sorry! I shouldn't have interfered. I just thought something was wrong, you know? I didn't want you to get hurt! I mean, this is Spike we are talking about."
"Willow, they aren't listening." Giles said softly.
"I donít care!" Willow pouted, before letting out a dramatic sigh. "Xander, we still need to figure out what Bob is."
At the sound of words possibly associated with their egg, Spike and Xander looked up from their kiss. Buffy made a small sound of disappointment.
"What do you mean?" Xander asked, sitting down on the couch next to the egg.
"Well, it had to have come from somewhere, right?" Willow tried to phrase it as well as she could, without offending the proud so-called parents. "What... If... It has parents looking... For it?"
"We are Wilbur's parents!" Spike growled, from where he was still sitting on the floor. He had, for some reason or another, managed to scoot himself around to where he was huddled under Xander's leg, hugging it to his chest. Xander didn't seem to notice.
"Yes, but aren't you curious as to what... Well, what it is?" Willow asked.
"I will love Bob no matter what." Xander informed her. He reached out and began petting the egg. His hand resided at first just on the top, then suddenly slipped downward, along where the back would be. Half-way through one stroke, Xander frowned. "What the-?"
"Oh, shit." Buffy muttered.
"Buffy..." Xander turned the egg over and narrowed his eyes. "...I know you're the Slayer and I'm just a mere human, but I'm going to kill you."
"Oh, pet, that's simply sexy, that is." Spike purred.
"Spike... Look." Xander tilted the egg, in order for Spike to get a good look at the tiny chip in the egg's backside. Spike stared at the spot for a moment, before nodding as though he had made an important decision.
"Right." Spike looked up at Xander. "I'll hold Buffy down and you cut off her head."
"Spike!" Giles exclaimed, pulling off his glasses in order to clean them. "The egg is not at all harmed. Trust me. I would stand in the way of anyone trying to harm it. I spent two days in a bathtub due to my care for Wilbur-Bob, after all."
"Of course. And I greatly appreciate that." Spike said slowly, as if talking to a child. "But I'm still going to kill her."
"No you're not." Buffy snapped.
"Will too!" Spike exclaimed, standing. Xander clutched the egg tightly to his chest, hoping to protect it from whatever battle that would follow.
"If you were really going to hurt me the chip would fire, now wouldn't it?" Buffy said smugly.
"She's got a point, Spike. You always go 'Ow! Bugger! Damn chip.' when you think about hurting humans." Xander pointed out.
"Whose side are you on?" Spike demanded.
"Well, I-" Xander cut himself off, looking down at the egg in shock.
"What's wrong?" Willow asked.
"Bob is... Hatching." Xander said in awe.
"What? Lemme see!" Spike darted over, tugging on Xander's arms to get a better look. They watched, eyes wide, as the egg wobbled on it's own and a strange noise could be heard. Almost like the sound of clicking, or perhaps plastic breaking.
"Oh my God." Xander whispered.
"Bloody hell, pet." Spike gulped and looked into Xander's eyes. "You're having a baby."
"No, we are having a baby." Xander corrected. Needless to say, the chip in the egg's shell was forgotton.
"Does labor usually take this long?" Buffy asked in loud whisper. Spike waved a hand, indicating for her to shut up.
"Perhaps we should-" Giles started.
"Hush!" Xander ordered.
Xander and Spike sat on the floor in front of the sofa, staring intently at the egg. It had taken Giles five minute to talk them into placing a towel underneath the egg. While he adored the little grandchild, he didn't want his sofa destroyed by any means. The egg wobbled for the fiftieth time that day. Xander held his breath, then broke into a coughing fit as his lungs screamed for air.
"This is really taking a while." Buffy commented, not using a whisper this time. The egg squeaked.
"Will you shut the bloody hell up?" Spike hissed.
"I'm calling Wesley." Willow announced, heading for the phone.
"Oh, good idea. Peaches should get to see his grandchild being born." Spike said, grinning wickedly.
"Heaven forbid the idea of them coming down." Giles muttered to himself. If the Watcher was honest with himself, he would admit that he was just a little jealous. He, after all, was the egg's grandfather. Not Angel.
"Are they ever going to stop?" Angel asked, pretending to not eye Wesley and Gunn as they made out on the lobby's sofa.
"Sorry, I kind of gave them permission." Cordelia admitted, wincing. Angel gave her a look. "What? I wanted to get rid of Spike and Xander!" Cordelia eyed the duo as Wesley suddenly arched his back and let out a low moan, coupled with a growl from Gunn. The phone rang, mid-moan. "Answer that will you?"
"What? Why me?" Angel asked.
"Just do it." Cordelia ordered. Angel let out a sigh, before picking up the phone.
"Angel Investigations, we hope the helpless... Wait, no, we help the helpless... Or is it hopeless?" Angel asked, frowning. Cordelia rolled her eyes dramatically, while Angel continued talking. "I would think it would be hopeless, because helpless doesn't really make much sense. If you're helpless then we very well can help you, can we?"
"Give me... Mmm..." Wesley started, before being pulled into a tongue filled kiss. He broke away panting. "Give me the phone, Angel."
"Isn't it hopeless?" Angel asked Cordelia, handing the phone over to the Wesley.
"Does it matter now?" Cordelia asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Hello?" Wesley said breathlessly into the phone. There was a pause, in which Gunn nibbled on Wesley's ear. "Are you sure? Really? ...How exciting." One of Gunn's hands disappeared toward Wesley's backside. Wesley let out a low groan. "Oh, yeah... Oh, terribly sorry Willow, I didn't mean you." A pause. "I suppose we could." Wesley held the phone away from his ear, wincing. "Can you tell him to be quiet for one moment? ...Well, I don't care if Buffy touched the bloody egg, he's hurting my ear." At these words, Gunn slipped his tongue into Wesley's left ear. "Hmm... I suppose we will be there by nightfall. Yes. Goodbye."
Cordelia calmly took the phone from him and set it upon it's cradle. "So, what did you just volunteer us for?"
"Apparently, Spike and Xander's egg is hatching." Wesley informed the others, before turning toward Gunn. "You are a very naughty man, doing that why I was on the phone."
"What are you going to do about it?" Gunn asked, grinning. "Gonna punish me, boss?"
"Well, I-" Wesley started.
"We don't care." Cordelia interrupted. "Just get to the point, Wesley."
"Right." Wesley sighed. "Spike wants Angel to meet his new grandchild."
At these words Angel looked up from where he had been playing with Cordelia's make-up case. A series of emotions flittered across his face. Broodiness. Agitation. Broodiness. Pride. Broodiness. Excitement. Broodiness. A little boredom. Broodiness. Shock. Broodiness. Finally, his face settled back to it's default expression: Confusion. "Huh?"
"It seems he wants you there." Wesley replied. "Why, I'll never know."
"You're like his father, man." Gunn announced. Angel stared at him, mouth hanging half open. "Why do you think he enjoys bothering you so much?"
"The egg is hatching?" Angel finally asked.
"Don't tell me you're still stuck on that." Cordelia frowned.
"Umm... Grandchild?" Angel squeaked.
"Oh, come on." Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Go pack, Angel. We'll be waiting in the car."
"Is he okay?" Wesley asked softly, standing. He batted Gunn's wandering hands away. "He seemed a little..."
"Dazed and Confused?" Gunn offered.
"All I can say is be prepared for him to mope and whine all the way to Sunnydale." Cordelia informed them.
"Why is this taking so long?" Buffy whined. Spike let out an annoyed growl and threw a pillow at her.
"Spike!" Xander exclaimed. "That was my pillow."
"Oh, I'm sorry, love." Spike replied, rubbing Xanderís back as though he was the one giving birth. Spike turned back to Buffy with a glare. "Give the pillow back."
"Maybe it needs some boiled water?" Willow suddenly asked.
"Good idea." Spike agreed. He stopped Willow before she could head toward the kitchen. "Sorry, pet. Not you." He turned to Tara with a smile. "How 'bout it, eh?"
"W-water... Okay." Tara said, giving Spike a strange look. As the blonde witch left the room, the rest of the Scooby Gang turned back to the egg. It rocked once, then remained still.
"Maybe we should... Help it out?" Buffy suggested.
"I'm not letting you break the shell, Slayer." Spike growled. "Wilbur's a big boy. He can do it on his own."
"What if it's a girl?" Willow asked. Spike and Xander turned to her with narrowed eyes. "Hey! What if it is a girl? Huh?"
"Well-" Giles started, hoping to stop an argument before it began. The knock on the door interrupted them, much to Giles' relief. Giles shot Spike, who was grinning, a look before opening the door.
"I am not carrying your bags, man!" A dark man insisted, looking towards the darkening street. "Then you shouldn't have brought so much!" Gunn turned and looked Giles up and down, before nodding. "How's it going, G?"
"I beg your pardon?" Giles said, looking shocked.
"Ha-Ha. G. That's great." Xander's voice drifted from the living room. Giles rolled his eyes, before stepping back to allow Gunn entrance. Wesley followed after him and then Cordelia.
"Where's Angel?" Giles asked, peering over Cordelia's shoulder.
"Bags." She replied.
"Cordelia, you are aware that you shouldn't be staying that long..." Giles informed her.
"They're not my bags!" Cordelia exclaimed. She lifted a single overnight bag as proof. "They're his."
"Oh..." Giles looked, for a split second, on the verge of a giggle. Shaking his head, he left the door open and walked back to the living room, where everyone was now gathering around the egg.
"One of you could have helped me." Angel pointed out, dragging four suitcases through the door.
"Hey, man, you're the vampire around here." Gunn pointed out.
"Yes, I must wonder what was so important for you to bring." Wesley commented, his eyes focused on the rocking egg. "Surely you do not plan on staying that long."
"One can only hope so." Giles muttered, shutting the door. Angel seemed to fidget on the spot, one hand gripping a suitcase, while the others had been dumped on the floor. "Hmm, do tell, Angel. What do you have in there?"
"Hirsps." Angel replied.
"Huh?" Buffy asked.
"Bloody hell!" Spike exclaimed, grinning like a loon. "He's got hair supplies in there!" Angel opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off by Spike. "Bet you even have a curling iron, you great poof!"
Angel growled low in his throat. Rolling his eyes, Wesley pushed the vampire until he was forced to sit down. "Sit. And Spike? Shut up."
"I love it when he gets all dominant." Gunn said, sighing happily. At his words, there was a giggle heard from the kitchen where Tara was.
"So, this is the egg." Wesley stated, ignoring his lover.
"Isn't it lovely?" Xander asked, beaming.
"It's taking forever to hatch." Buffy mumbled. At her words, a soft crack echoed through the air. Everyone turned to look down at the egg, watching with wide eyes as something broke the shell. A small hole appeared in the side. Tara ran into the living room to catch the action.
"Holy... It's happening." Xander said in awe. He grabbed Spike's hand and held it tightly. "It's really happening. We're having a baby. A real baby."
"Well, I highly doubt it's human." Wesley commented.
"Oi, Slayer, go get a flashlight." Spike ordered. "I want to take a peek."
"That would have sounded so disturbing if Xander was carrying the baby." Cordelia commented. Everyone, save Spike -- who was now eyeing Xander, turned to stare at her. "What? Male pregnancy happens!" With a frown she turned to Wesley. "Right?"
"Err..." Wesley shot Gunn a look, who pretended not to notice and was to staring at the Ex-Watcher's arse instead. "Well, there have been... Magical incidents."
"Bloody hell, shut up!" Spike hissed. "And get me my damn flashlight. I want to look at my baby!"
"No." Xander ordered. Spike blinked in shock. "You are not shining a light into our child's eye. I will not have his first contact with us give him a heart attack... If he has a heart."
"I still say the baby could be a girl." Willow commented. Xander and Spike shot her a look. "Oh, please. You know you would enjoy it just as much if it was a girl. In fact, you'd probably spoil her rotten."
"Would not." Spike protested. He turned back to the egg, ignoring the amused look every one was giving him. Instead, he focused on the hole in the shell. He could see something poking at it, making it grow in size. Small pieces of the shell started dropping to the floor.
"I can't believe I'm going to be a grandfather." Angel suddenly said. There was a pause. "Wow. I'm a grandfather."
"As am I." Giles growled slightly. Angel looked at him, rather startled. "Well, I am."
"Bloody hell, that's right." Spike gasped from his spot on the floor. He looked up at Giles in astonishment. "You're my new father-in-law." Everyone glanced at Giles, who was busying cleaning his glasses. As though that would hide the proud look on his face. Spike suddenly snorted. "Think I'd rather have you than Peaches over there. Do you realize how traumatic it is to have your father-in-law also be your father? Or grandpa? Or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days."
"Hey, you're the one that keeps claiming I'm your sire, then I'm not, then I am!" Angel exclaimed, looking put out. Spike merely grinned, his job of annoying Angel done for that hour in time.
"Umm, Spike?" Xander asked. Spike turned. "Look."
"Well, I do say..." Wesley raised an eyebrow, watching as the shell suddenly crumbled around the... Well, former egg. Everyone gasped. There was a long moment, before Wesley finally broke the silence. "What in the bloody hell is that?"
"That's... It?" Buffy finally asked.
"I don't understand." Willow said. "The egg was so... Huge, but..."
"Are you sure it is what I think it is?" Wesley asked. A couple of people gave him a funny look. "Well, I'm serious! Here we were thinking that it was some evil... Thing. But, look at it... That's just not natural."
"Exactly!" Willow exclaimed.
"You're just mad because now you can't tell if it's a girl or not." Cordelia told her. Willow glared.
"Why is it so small?" Buffy questioned, peering over the back of the sofa at the... Former egg. "It's kind of cute... In a shocking way."
"Man, I can't believe there was so much hype over this." Gunn complained. "It's just a-"
"But why did it have such power over Spike and Xander?" Angela asked, interrupting Gunn. "And who put it on Xander's doorstep?"
"Hmm... There is something rather... Familiar with this." Giles said, narrowing his eyes at the... Former egg sitting on his sofa. It paid him no mind, and instead was busy staring at Spike and Xander.
"What do you mean?" Wesley asked.
"I think..." Giles trailed off and walked over to his phone. Everyone watched him a moment, before returning to look at the newest member of the Scooby family.
"Well?" Willow poked Xander in the shoulder. "What's going through that head of yours?"
"I..." Xander blinked, then frowned slightly. "I don't understand. I mean, I still feel extremely attached to Bob, but..." Xander turned to Spike. "Why did I kiss you?"
"Haven't a bloody clue, pet." Spike replied, his eyes focused on the... Former egg. "I'm still Wilburís father."
"Mother." Xander corrected.
"Those idiots!" Giles suddenly exclaimed, slamming the phone down. "I don't know why I even bother... The American government has got to be the worst system ever created."
"I would be offended, as an American, but he's got a point." Gunn said.
"They actually gave him the supplies he asked for! And then allowed him to mail it!" Giles yanked off his glasses and began cleaning them. The rest half-expected to hear the tell-tale crack of correction lenses. "And he knew that we wouldn't suspect him. He knew it!"
"Who?" Xander asked.
"Ethan Rayne." Giles growled. "They gave him the supplies to cast a parental spell on the... Being inside the egg, along with the means to create the large egg."
"Parental spell?" Willow frowned. "I've never heard of it."
"So... Me and Spike aren't really... In love?" Xander asked, rather timidly. Spike opted to say nothing. He for one, didn't feel any different. He still wanted to hump Xander and protect the... Former egg.
"Wait a minute, Ethan did this?" Buffy placed her hands on her hips in protest. "I thought they locked him up!"
"They did." Giles sighed. "But he got bored and started annoying the guards, so they gave him what he wanted."
"So this was all a prank?" Cordelia asked. She chuckled. "Figures."
"That doesn't answer my question." Willow announced. "What's a parental spell?"
"It's a soul mate spell." Tara said softly. She blushed heavily when all eyes turned on her. Except for Spike's, he was too busy staring at the... Former egg. She fidgeted a moment, before continuing. "It's a spell that causes the life of one being to bring together two others. Like... Parents. The two that are brought together often seem random, but it's actually not. In fact..." Tara glanced at Spike and Xander, biting her lip. "If Xander had never brought Wilbur-Bob near Spike, most likely it would have only effected Xander."
"That doesn't explain Giles." Buffy said, watching with amusement as Giles sputtered.
"Well, you've got to have grandparents, don't you?" Spike suddenly asked. "The Watcher is more a father to Xander than that piece of shit in the Harris home."
"It was mostly likely a side effect of the spell." Wesley said. "In fact, I doubt the parental instincts will fade, unless the... Err... Wilbur-Bob is terminated."
"You bastard." Spike hissed, his face shifting into it's vampire form. The... Former egg chirped. Frowning, Spike decided to ignore Wesley and turned back to the... Former egg. "Don't worry, little one, I'm not going to hurt you and no one else will get close enough to touch you."
"Spike?" Xander asked, his voice soft. Xander's hand slowly slipped into the vampire's. "Are you okay with this? The whole... Soul mate thing?"
"Don't know how it worked, what with me not having a soul..." Spike replied.
"Well, you've never done things the normal way." Angel muttered. Spike chose to ignore him.
"Like you, pet." Spike told Xander. He smiled, before leaning in for a deep kiss. Xander moaned softly in his throat, his free hand reaching up to stroke Spike's cheek.
"Ahem." Giles cleared his throat. Spike and Xander slowly parted. "This still doesn't explain how you're going to take care of... Him, her, it."
"It shouldn't be that hard." Xander insisted. Giles rolled his eyes in disbelief. Xander shifted from his spot on the floor, glancing between his new 'child' and the others. "Shouldn't it?"
"Visions don't wait on fussy grandfathers, you know." Cordelia said in an annoyed voice.
"I'll be out in a minute." Angel insisted. "I just want to hold him."
"Spike is not going to let go of that... Baby anytime soon and you know it." Cordelia pointed out. "Now come on, before Wesley and Gunn end up getting some milky looking stains on your beloved car."
"They wouldn't dare." Angel said, narrowing his eyes. Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "No. They would."
Angel turned back to Spike and Xander, who were now sitting on the sofa. Xander was resting his head on Spike's shoulder, watching as Spike cuddle the tiny creature in his hands. It had taken a while for everyone to get over the idea that the... Former egg wasn't an evil entity. It was, indeed, normal in every way. Except for the fact that it survived in a large egg all on it's own, thanks to Ethan's magical abilities. Willow, in all her wisdom, still couldn't figure out how they didn't detect the man's magic. But, in favor of ooo-ing and aah-ing over the newest addition to the family, she let it go.
"Can I at least pet him?" Angel whined.
"I suppose." Spike relented. "You big baby."
Angel kneeled down at the foot of the sofa, eagerly watching as Spike opened up his hands. Tiny, black eyes peered up at him. A tiny little beak parted to let out a small chirp. Angel smiled and reached forward to stroke the top of the tiny feathered head. And immediately jerked back as he was bit.
"Good boy!" Spike said, proudly. He grinned and held the tiny creature up to his face. "You're a good little chick, aren't you? Yes, you are."
"Ah, Bob, I'm so proud." Xander said, smirking in Angel's direction. Angel was busy inspecting his finger. "What's wrong, Angel? Did the little baby hurt you?"
"Oh, come on. We'll bandage it in the car." Cordelia said, rolling her eyes. She grabbed Angel's arm and dragged his out the door. She turned before the door could shut in her face as she left. "I want pictures!"
"Where are the girls? It's taking them bloody forever." Spike complained, ignoring Cordelia. "How long does it take to buy food?"
"Well, you've got to admit, they don't know what to buy for a baby chicken." Xander told him. "I hate saying it, but it's too bad that Riley isn't here. Corn-fed would probably know what to do."
"Wouldn't let him near Wilbur unless my life depended on it." Spike growled. The little creature chirped in agreement. For such a tiny ball of fluff, the yellow colored chick had quite the opinion. Spike grinned. "See! He agrees."
"We need to come up with a good name." Xander said. "We can't call him Bob and Wilbur. He'll be confused."
"All right, then." Spike inspected the small bird in his hands. "How about... Killer?"
"Oh, yes." Xander said, rolling his eyes. "Heaven knows he's quite the beast."
"Made Peaches run away, didn't he?" Spike countered. "Well? You have any better ideas?"
"Not really." Xander admitted. "He's too cute to be a Bob anymore. And Wilbur is a dumb name, anyway." Xander pretended not to notice Spike's protest. Pouting, Spike allowed Xander to take the chick into his hands. "Hmm... You know... He does have that naughty gleam in his eye that you often get."
"Well, he does take after me." Spike replied.
"Oh, good heavens." Giles muttered from the kitchen. Spike and Xander ignored him.
"I wonder where he's going to sleep." Xander said, frowning slightly.
"I am not letting you put him in a cage." Spike glared.
"I wouldn't do that." Xander informed him. Spike narrowed his eyes in suspicion, but the look faded away when Xander leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "We'll figure something out when we get home."
"Well, yeah." Xander said. The two looked at each other, before merely smiling and leaving it at that.
"We're back!" Willow announced. She was followed by Tara and Buffy, who carried a couple of bags. "We got food, vitamins, and toys."
"Let me see!" Spike ordered. The vampire began investigating the supplies, only looking up to growl at anyone who dared to touch his baby.
"He's so cute." Buffy gushed. "I still don't get it, but I guess it doesn't matter."
The chick peered up at them through Xander's fingers, before chirping softly. Xander made a shooing motion with his free hand. "Go away, you're scaring Killer."
"Killer?" Buffy asked. "You can't name him Killer!"
"Can too!" Spike snapped.
"You can not!" Buffy insisted. "He looks nothing like a Killer!"
"Ran off the poof, made him bleed and everything." Spike announced. "He's going to be vicious when he gets older."
"Killer is a stupid name." Buffy replied, though she smiled slightly at the thought of Angel being chased off by a baby chicken.
With a sigh, Xander stood and made his way into the kitchen. He grabbed the chicken feed along the way. Cradling the small life in his hand, Xander ignored Buffy's yells and Spike's growls. The chick chirped happily, it's small head rubbing against one of Xander's fingers.
"I take it you're escaping the madness?" Giles asked, looking up from his tea.
"Escape?" Xander said in amusement. "I'm officially dating William the Bloody and we have a baby chicken as a child. I think the madness has just begun."
The chick -- i.e. Killer, Bob, Wilbur, and/or Wilbur-Bob -- chirped in agreement.
Feed the Author