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Rating: PG-13
Summary: The Scoobies decide it's time to get help for their addiction.
Time-Span: Probably through Season Six, but it's minor.
Note: This is written in script form, of sorts.



Demons Anonymous


by
frk_werewolf





[A stage is set in front of rows of chairs, all containing nervous looking patrons. A man walks up to the microphone, grinning at everyone in the audience.]

Man: Welcome to Demon's Anonymous. I see we have some new faces in the crowd today. Well, donít be shy, none of us bite... Much! Hahahahah! How about you, darling? Yes, you! Come on up here. Introduce yourself. Tell us why your here.

[A short blonde steps up to the microphone. Her tag reads 'Hello, I'm Buffy']

Buffy: Umm... Hiya. My Name is Buffy Summers.

Crowd: Hello, Buffy!

Buffy: [blinks] Uh, right. Well... I'm addicted to, uh, vampires. I'm the Slayer, so it's my job to kill them right? Well... I guess I've gone a bit far with them. I, uh, I've fallen in love with one. Made him lose his soul only to give it back. I then killed him and sent him to hell.

Crowd: [gasps]

Buffy: I apologized! [pouts] Anyway... I've been having sex with another vampire. I don't mean to!

Random Guy In Crowd: [mutters very loudly] Oh, sure. I bet she just falls on his stake.

Buffy: [pretends not to hear] That's about it. I'm not having sex with him anymore. I still kill vampires. But that's my job, so...

Man: Thank you, Buffy. Everyone, give her a round of applause. It's difficult come up here and admit one has a problem. [A few members of the crowd applaud.] Okay, next! How about you, little lady? Come on, don't be shy!

[A redheaded girl makes her way to the podium. Her tag reads 'Hello, I'm Willow.']

Willow: Hey, everyone. I'm Willow Rosenberg.

Crowd: Hello, Willow!

Willow: [grins] I'm a friend of Buffy's. I help her fight the bad guys and stuff. I'm a witch. And I don't really have any problem with demons, except I help kill the bad ones. [The crowd is not convinced.] Oh, well... I suppose I tend to feel sorry for them. Take Angel for example. That's the vampire with the soul. He wasn't himself when he killed all those people. Really, he wasn't! And Spike! The Initiative did not need to put that chip into his brain! He could be starving to death.

Familiar Guy in Crowd: Damn right, Red!

Willow: Spike?

Familiar Guy in Crowd: [with fake Southern accent] Why, no ma'am, that's not my name!

Willow: [frowns] Anyway... That's probably it.

Man: [claps along with crowd] Thank you, Willow. Now, how about you there? Yes, sir, I sure am talking to you! Get on up here!

[Dark headed man shuffles to the microphone. His tag reads 'Hello, I'm Xander'.]

Xander: [clears throat] Hey, I'm Xander Harris.

Crowd: Hello, Xander!

Xander: Umm... I'm a demon magnet. No, really, I am. I have a list. I thought it might be useful. [pulls out sheet of paper] When I was fifteen I was possessed by a Hyena. I got turned into a soldier at Halloween. A Praying Mantis Woman wanted to use my sperm and then eat my head. Inca Mummy Girl... Don't really want to explain that one. Ex-Vengeance Demon. Almost married her, but left her at the altar. I spent three months as a girl because of that one. So... There ya go. Demon magnet.

Familiar Guy in Crowd: [forgetting to use Southern accent] What about the vampire?!

Xander: [shifts, obviously uncomfortable] What vampire?

Familiar Guy in Crowd: Bloody hell, whelp! You know what vampire I'm talking about!

Xander: [narrows eyes] Dammit, Spike! Why don't you get up here and talk about your demon problems, huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Familiar Guy Now Known to Be Spike: Fine, then, I will!

[A bleached blonde man in a black duster comes up to the stage. He pushes Xander off of it and glares the poor human back to his seat. The duster covers his tag, but if you look carefully you can see 'Hello, I'm Spike'.]

Spike: Right, then. I'm a vampire. And if you ask me, I don't have a demon problem. I'm a bloody demon myself, now aren't I? What I have a problem with is all you humans! Bloody pillocks, the lot of you! Take the boy, Xander, for you. Says he hates vampires. Well, he didn't hate this vampire when I was pounding him into the bed last night.

Xander: [jumps to feet] Spike, you promised not to tell anyone! [yanks out stake] I'm going to kill you!

Spike: Sorry love, already dead! [cackles, then notices Xander jumping onto the stage]

[The crowd watches as Xander chases Spike around the room. The two men run quickly out the door, but not fast enough to hear the next person to step up to the microphone.]

Voice in Other Room: Good day. My name is Rupert Giles.

Crowd: Hello, Giles!





The End






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