Letter to My Pets:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not
to switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note that placing your paw print in the
middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim
making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to
reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will
continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your
paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it
open. I must exit through the same door I entered
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for
quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go
smell the other dog's/cat's behind.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the
following notice on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain
About Our Pets
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are
an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks
on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the
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