Resignation From the Human Race
Mood:  cheeky
March 24, 2006

To Whomever Gives a Big Hairy Rats’ Ass;

After ingesting my daily fix of local and national news, I have henceforth made a half way educated decision to resign from the human race. I no longer want to be, in any way, associated with my fellow Americans. I give up. I will now become one of my sister’s dogs, or my daughter’s cats.

The following are reasons for making this decision.

1. People are mean, and getting meaner. To each other and themselves. A man shot and killed another man for walking across his yard. Everyone has a right to protect their personal property, but that’s a little over-protective. I’d rather take my chances as a dog. As a dog, I can be taught to ‘Set’ and ‘Stay’. As a cat, I can and will ignore you. Laws protecting me as an animal are more stringent than the laws protecting me as a human.

2. People are rude, and getting worse. Humans yell at each other, insult each other, and call each other names. All under the guise of free speech. After rereading the Bill of Rights, I don’t understand it that way. It’s Freedom of Speech, not freedom to be rude. As a dog, I would listen to the yelling, cower, listen to the insults and name calling, cower, tuck my tail, and hide until the coast is clear. As a cat, I can and will ignore you.

3. People are opinionated and over-bearing. Why do humans ask for other’s opinions when the asker has no intention of listening to the answers given? If I were a dog, I would listen with undivided attention while you ask me questions and tell me the answers you want to hear. I wouldn’t consider a human over-bearing because the same things were being said on the same topic. Over and over. As a dog, I would like that. You’d be paying attention to me and talking to me. I wouldn’t understand what you are saying, but I wouldn’t care. I’m a dog. As a dog, I’d be grateful for the attention. As a cat, I can and will ignore you.

4. People won’t always be truthful. As a human, I know it is not always good to be totally truthful. It hurts the feelings of others. Humans use the truth, as they see it, to bend the will of other people. What is truth for one may not be the truth for another.
As a dog, I will believe everything you tell me as well as believing everything any one else tells me. As a cat, I can and will ignore you.

5. People manipulate other people. It has gotten to where a person, or most people, will talk until they say the words someone else wants to hear and starts paying attention. Once the attention has been gained, the words start getting twisted around until they mean something different. Confusion sets in and no one except the first speaker knows what is going on. Mind games. As a dog, I may chase a ball or even run after an air ball. Yes, I can be manipulated. I’ve just proven it by chasing the air ball. Would I care? No, because I know that after you’ve had your fun at my expense, there will be a bowl of water and a Kibble for playing nice and letting you have your fun. As a dog, I won’t be stupid, and I can and will manipulate you. I got the Kibble, didn’t I? As a cat, I can and will ignore you. I can catch my own treats, thank you.

6. People are intolerant and getting more so. Humans disagree on almost any subject matter. Politics. Religion. Food. Clothing. It doesn’t matter. There is something out there somewhere that someone finds intolerable. Most of the time, there is no compromise. As a dog, I would have no political affiliation. My only Master is you, whom I blindly adore and obey, and no one will tell me I am wrong for my feelings toward You. My personal needs will be met every time you fill my water and food bowls. As a dog, I won’t be a picky eater, but I will prefer to eat what you are having and will help myself should you turn your head. I only have one outfit to wear and it will be your responsibility to keep me looking good. As a cat, I can and will ignore everyone. I’ll just snag a treat off your plate as I saunter past or claw the furniture if I don‘t get attention the way I want it when I want it. As a cat, I can be as intolerant as a human. I can and will take care of my own grooming. Leave me alone!

From this day forward, consider me an ex-member of the human race. (I will decide which animal I want to be when my head clears.)