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Half A Page Of Scribbled Lines

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun
But it's sinking, Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every day is getting shorter,
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribbled lines

Time, Pink Floyd 1972

Keep in mind as you are reading this that I don't tend to write much when I'm in a good mood. The background at which you are looking (it will load eventually) is the brain scan of a clinically depressed individual. Besides looking cool, I thought it rather appropriate. Most of this was written during sporadic dark periods of manic depression on my part. As for the lyrics, don't get the wrong impression. I will state for the record that I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in a good band. Maybe some day I will write some music to go with them, but right now I haven't got time. I am hoping to find maybe a group of individuals who share my vision as well as my complete lack of musical talent. When I find these people I will start a band. My respect to Paul Pines, a teacher who helped me to explore different styles and extremes in writing. My appreciation to the various friends who have recognized some small spark of creative talent, and through encouragement and assistance have helped me to develop that talent. Keep in mind also that I never said i was good at this. This is only a forum for the pages of scribbled lines which have collected dust in notebooks over the years. Feel free to E-Mail and tell me what you think. That's it for now, I will be updating periodically. Have fun. Bye.


2 Feet Below The Surface
Wasting Time
In Our Dreams We Are Immortal
The Road Ahead (Walking Into The Night)
Another Perfect Day
Suburban Life
Dead To The World?

Other Stuff
A Cold Night
Tequila Sunrise
Forever Lost
Green Men
Psalm 666: Requiem For A Dead Trend
Hardcore America
Seven Windows
MacGyver Is God

My Other Websites:










- January 23, 2006-

Hey fuckers. This is probably going to be my last update. For all intents and purposes this site is done. I completed most of the updates I wanted to in six months of intense labor. The code has all been updated for the most part and I fixed a lot of the graphics and developed some fucking awesome backgrounds. At this point the only thing I can do to improve shit around here is learn CSS coding and pay for a real site instead of letting geocities consistently ruin this one. I havenít got the fucking time or patience to devote to learning all the new gay computer geek shit thatís supposedly changing the face of the internet. It all seems like bullshit to me. HTML was simple and efficient and made sense. I canít even begin to understand or care about this new shit that makes what was previously one line of code into 20 different kinds of fucking codes. Iím not getting paid for this and I have better things to do. On my second point, Geocities has fucking raped this site for all itís worth by throwing up ad banners that take up half my page and limiting my bandwidth to the point where the site is down every single time I check it. To that end, Iím mirroring this site in Angelfire and updating all the links so they will lead there. That will break up some of the bandwidth and allow my backgrounds to stay and serve as my final fuck you to geocities. I was going to pay for a domain name and private site, but Geocities strong arming me by fucking up the free site Iíve had for years doesnít exactly give me a warm and fuzzy feeling about giving them my money to get their shit off my page. I never wanted a pay site. Like I said in my last update, when I started this page seven years ago the point was just to get a free site to make fun of shit and talk about drinking and death metal. I was 21 then, in college with no responsibilities, drinking heavily and going to shows every weekend. Iím 29 now, have a full time job and a kid and a lot of fucking bills. The last thing Iím interested in doing is adding a perpetual expense to my budget as protection money so Geocities doesnít shut this site down. And honestly I could fucking care less. I donít have the time to write reviews or update as much anymore and most of what I have to say has already been posted. I might do some updates to Lyrical Warfare because I just started that page and thereís only a couple of reviews so far. The rest of the site is more or less done though and I donít feel the need to keep updating just for the sake of updating. For anyone still interested in any of this shit, I have a profile and some additional info, possibly a blog, started at Iíll also be spending some time with my industrial death metal project 20 Days Of Darkness. Look for the name because itís gonna be bigger than the Beatles. Weíll all be fucking supermodels, shooting up, and blowing rails off of platinum CDs a year from now. I just downloaded like $10,000 worth of mixing boards, and synth, guitar, and drum effect programs for free. Limewire bitches. There might be a site at once we get some fucking songs written. So thatís basically it for this site. It was fun for a while. Remember donít trust the government, the far right are an exciting mixture of incompetent religious freaks and truly dangerous people, and the far left are a bunch of shrill, whiny, hypocritical bitches who would be just as dangerous if they were in power. Choose your own path in life. And that bullshit that clear channel plays is not fucking metal. Iíll leave you with my final reviews for 2006. Acid Bath is and always will be the coolest fucking band that ever existed. They only released two albums so it would be pretty hard for you to fuck this up. Go and buy both of those CDs, drop a couple tabs and put that shit on repeat for about ten hours. You can thank me later. For people who still listen to the radio, pay attention because Tool is the most important mainstream band playing today and Maynard's been holed up somewhere for months working on a new album. Anything they release is going to be the best album of 2006. All That Remains is the best band playing in the underground right now, they are truly talented and would be huge if anyone had the balls to play real metal on the radio, take my word and buy anything they put out because it's going to slay these other poser commercial metal bands. Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath are the most important bands ever to exist, you should already own everything they put out even that weak shit when it was only Tony Iommi in the band or when David Gilmour was trying to sound like Dire Straits. That shit is better than 90% of the records you will ever buy. Throw out your Slipknot and Staind albums and pick up as many Mercyful Fate and King Diamond records as you can find and listen to that shit over and over. Homeboyís a certified member of the church of satan, has a four octave vocal range, still rocks the corpsepaint, and has been doing the same shit for 25 years regardless of trends. Thatís fucking metal. Later bitches.


2 Feet Below The Surface

Fresh blood for the wolves
cast me to the fire
red hot coals take my eyes
the end of all desire

2 feet below the surface
but i find it hard to breathe
i can see the light above
but something's drowning me

Acid burns my veins
feeding my desire
wretching in the dirt
as blood turns to fire

Everything is grey

2 feet below the surface
struggling for air
doused in mud,drowned in blood
don't tell me that you care

the blood is in the water
and the water's turning red
and i can see the surface now
but i'm already dead

Everything in this world
is shifting shades of grey
this is the darkest hour
of my greatest day

Wasting Time

Take another hit
laughing as you fall
smell of incense burns the air
black light round us all
sound of Pink Floyd blares
leaving echoes in the air
light breaks upon the room
your deadened icy stare
we're all dying one by one
and we don't even care

Laugh and drown your sorrow
as you take another hit
but do not drink the water
cause the water makes you sick

Pass another cigarette
a joke to kill the time
we're all wasting youth
and we're all doing fine
we won't ever leave this town
we don't really care
light the bowl, pull the slide
green cloud fills the air
i'm choking

Laughter hides the pain
as it all burns away
we all die tomorrow
we're just wasting time today

Glowing posters on the wall
smell of death in the air
kill away another day
sound of Floyd always there
pass another joint around
tell us all another lie
another day i won't remember
another day until i die

Laugh and cleanse your sorrow
in a world full of shit
do not breathe the water
cause the cloud is getting thick

Laughter hides the pain
that we all burn away
we all die tomorrow
but we are young today
we got years to sit right here
wasting life away

In Our Dreams We Are Immortal

Did you finally talk to God?
Did your mind expand in space?
Did it make you really happy?
When you finally saw his face?

And everybody's dying here
And everybody's stoned
Claw through shadows
Climb the walls
And find ourselves alone

The writing fading on the walls
Is what the prophets said
Half a page of scribbled lines
To match the voices in your head

Did you finally talk to God?
Did you finally see his face?
Did it make you happy
When you finally left this place?

Someday I will see you
And someday we'll be free
And someday I will look like you
And someday you will feel like me

I tear through random thoughts
Finding shelter in this pain
Look for God and find yourself
And finally slowly go insane

I hope that you can find yourself
Our final days are coming soon
Maybe I will find my peace
Along the dark side of the moon

Someday I will see you
And someday we'll be free
And someday I will feel like God
And someday God will look like me

Apathy takes place of empathy
Watching clouds eclipse the sun
Are you really feeling empty?
And are you really having fun?


Darkness surrounds us
abounding in rage
banging my head
on the walls of this cage

No one is listening
everyone's staring
i feel like i'm drowning
and i have no bearing

A thousand people in a circle
the center is a lonely place
all eyes on me expecting a word
dark of their shadows covers my face
and anger was a lonely place
eyes of a genius stare into space
we are the rats in this maze

Not a word was ever spoken
to put across this point of view
thoughts take years then disappear
and everyone is scared for you
Schitzophrenic, bored to death
thoughts are painted on a page
the final line is slowly written
there is no key to this cage

Screaming silence, no one listens, i am catatonic, stuck in this place, there is no escape

The Road Ahead (Walking Into The Night)

The road is long
the sun is gone
and the wind is at my back

I hear your voice
and turn around
but all i see is black

and i know this night will never end

i wonder if you still dream of me
i wonder if you ever knew
i think that time came to an end
when i told you that i loved you

The shadows seem to call to me
whispering your name
and i know this night will never end
and up ahead in the dark
This road to nowhere starts to bend

The moon hangs low
the night air burns my face
and i will walk a million miles
but i will never leave this place

There's just a shadow of a reflection, passing me by in the cold still night. I hear you call to me, but fear to look back. No one is there and i am alone in this world.i turn to look
and the sun is gone
the road is dark
and the night is long
i turn my head
away from the light
as i keep walking
ahead into the night

When all you have known
is taken away
and the rest of the world
left to decay
the only things which matter
are left in your heart
and these are the things
which will tear you apart

something dark is on the road ahead

Another Perfect Day

yeah sure whatever
another day is dead
can't stop this screaming in my head
don't know what it is
its only getting worse
yesterday sure sucked
the future's just a curse

ask me if i'm right
i'll just say you're wrong
I'd like to say i understand
but once again its fucking gone

Sit upon the streetcorner
and watch the suit and tie parade
crack another ice cold beer
and dream for yesterday
try not to drink the water
it tastes like wet cigarettes
it can get you really high
it can get you really sick
i can't live for tomorrow
could this be the american dream?
i have not got a fucking clue
and nothing's what it seems
yeah whatever
whatever you say

yeah sure whatever
another day is gone
i'm not bitter
but i'm not better
its been killing me so long
yeah sure whatever
whatever you say
all my hope is gone
its just another perfect day

Suburban Life

I got no time to speak to you
i gotta have some fun
tonight we smoke until we drop
collapse another lung

Got myself a nickel bag
and a pack of easy wides
another day is dead and gone
and we all get fucking high

There's ethnic war in Bosnia
and things i've never seen
i can't relate and i don't care
i gotta clean my screen

Stole some nitrous oxide
from the store just down the street
smoke and black light cloud my room
but i think the bowl is beat

All my friends are potheads
its all we ever do
life can suck when nothing happens
but at least we're not like you

I can't cope when i'm sober
but i got cash to blow
things will never change for me
cause my father is the C.E.O.

We'll never ever leave this town
and we don't fucking care
light the bowl, pull the slide
green cloud fills the air

The cops will never catch us
and we won't ever go to jail
and if we ever get sent up
we'll sell the bag to pay for bail

All my friends are stoners
its all we ever do
its not much,but its what we got
and at least we're not like you

Suburban life is fucking great
i love this life a lot
everybody acts the same
and everyone smokes pot

Dead To The World?

Did you ever dream
about your deepest fears?
and did you see
what was never clear
did you ever lie
to yourself inside?
did you really think
you'd be the one to die

We don't care about tomorrow
we don't feel our sorrow
we just take the tide
all we need is a place to hide
from what we feel inside
and we never cried
we never lied
it was all about slow suicide

We don't see so everclear
we don't need our deepest fears
we don't know why we're here
we never knew you were so near

We know now that we are blind
ripping holes in our minds
never stop to take the time
to think about what we will find
to reflect thoughts
that were never there
we're dead already
we don't care
looking up to an empty stare
and in our world
you were never there
Empty stare and a blank expression
find the dead man's face
cries for nothing, what was missing
we have to leave this place

did you ever cry
when you knew you had been wrong
did you lie,did you die
because your will was gone?
and did you burn, and did you lie
to escape your own suicide?
did you ever fly up so high
just to find your dreams have died?
and did you ever mind, that you were blind?
cause we can see so clear
did you die for your pain?
or was it just your fears?
did you ever think, did you ever know
everyone has lied
did you ever cry? did you find
your peace in suicide?

"They said to die is glorious. They lied."-Phil George, Battle Won Is Lost

Other Stuff

A Cold Night

On the corner sidewalk. Only the brave come out at night. Spraypaint dries and cracks. Sound of music fills the air with intimidation. Hard edge street bass ghetto posture banging away in the night. The man on the corner waits. Its a cold night on the hill. So cold and empty you can almost see fear in the air. And cops roll by on the hour. The man waits on the corner. A few pass, a few stop. The cold doesn't bother a man much when he gets his favorite fix. Cold uncut jewel smacks the sidewalk as spraypaint dries upon the wall. And death has a way of creeping up on a man when he least expects it. Like a theif in the night, comes out of the shadows and then slips away without a sound. The cops roll by in passive silence. The man waits on the corner. A deal is struck, but all to soon. From the shadows you can almost see the silver. Hammer cocks and releases. The man on the corner falls to the ground. Pistol smoke rises like the last breath of a dying man, mixing with the frigid night air. Spraypaint covered in a chalk outline.
The cops roll by in the night.

Co-Written with Sandra Caughey and Sam Ginsburg

with my own vision
as i look in the mirror
only to see an empty shell
staring back into my eyes
i see a reflection of
a person i don't even know
and the lines on my face
growing clearer every day
as every moment
brings me further
to the abyss
if there's a bottom
its full of blood and bone
dust is floating
through the air
with the beauty of destruction

what happened to this place
pools of acid roam and time
is losing me and of the essence
of the one thing i cannot find
the lines on the page
looking for answers
in a world of lies

tear the pages
from the book
tear yourself from this
the pages fall to the ground
and burn
them one by one
until nothing is left
that is the only answer
i can find
they will burn in a flame
one that can never be wxtinguished
for the power
is greater than life
looking for meaning in
everything and dying all
the way on my way
i take my razor
at my wrist
your picture on my chest
my blood stains your words
i hope you never rest


MTV is over
I just wish it'd go away
Another wanna be nirvana band
Lets just line em up today

10 minutes of commercials
And not a thing to say
All they see is dollar signs
Is this the price we pay?

Can't cope with the real world
And i don't care about the show
A beach house spring break party
To which i cannot go

I don't wanna see you gameshows
I don't wanna see Road Rules
I don't wanna see your beachouse
I don't care about your pool

I just wanna see a video
That i have not seen today
Half a million times already
But that's all you ever play

So line up another buzz band
While I waste my life away
Watching your damn channel
Every single day

Tequila Sunrise

this is the greatest day
life is seeping through the cracks
creeping through the clouds
as the light of sunrise
burns in my eyes
another day becomes
another lonely night is dead
colors of morning make me dizzy
and ill
i fall down
smashing my head on the table
my face hits the floor as
sunrise shines on a dead world
an empty desert
a burning oasis where
sorrow is drowned in another glass
and the bottle of poison
is almost empty
i stagger to my feet
as it smashes to the floor
god, what a night
i love the smell of tequila in the morning

Forever Lost
Based on story of Orpheus from Greek Mythology
Synopsis:Orpheus' bride is bitten by a snake, dies, goes to the underworld (hell).He crosses into the land of the dead to bring her back. Makes a deal with Hades (Satan). If he can get back to his world without looking back, she can return with him. At the last moment before he crosses, he looks back to see if she's there. He sees her disappear back into the land of the dead. Lost forever.

I curse the gods and heavens
to see your face before me
a queen of endless beauty
a love which will not die
i give all to you
and i'd give everything
for one last glance
of Eurydice

Like gods of the sun
so once were we
when time seemed endless
and the world lay before us
filled with hope and mystery
and in that world of life and love
my heart shall stay
with you, Eurydice

Curse the gods
and Hades burn forever
in your flames of envy
nothing stands between us
but death
Sweet Eurydice

Upon the River Acheron
across the River Styx
I shall wander here forever
the fires of hell will be my comfort
until we are as one again

With your name upon my lips
i give myself to death
and leave this world behind me
for one last embrace
fair Eurydice

Green Men

Green men
In the sky
In the night
Glowing light
I want to meet
Some little green guys
And hang out
For a while
I wanna joyride
A flying saucer
Crank some Zeppelin
On the tapedeck
Of the mothership
sitting shotgun
1000 miles an hour
With the radio on
Leave this world
For a while
See the galaxy
In an hour
Visit the home planet
Of those little
Green dudes
With big heads
Bring back some
Cool alien souveniers
And on the way bak
Drag race the Enterprise
For pink slips and beer
To the end of the universe
And back
With no slowing down
Confuse Kirk and Starfleet
By being the only aliens
In the galaxy
Who don't speak English
We'd make crop circles
With big peace signs
And i could sign my name
At the bottom
Maybe get on the X-Files
For another damn episode
About alien abductions
Then just for fun
Land in a field
Somewhere in Nebraska
On top of some cows
And scare the hell
Out of a few farmers
In the heartland
Then tear ass
Warp speed
Across the globe
Buzz the town of Roswell
And leave the airforce in our dust
As we burn across
The galaxy
And Zeppelin rocks
On a pair of bad ass
Alien subwoofers
With dice hanging off the mirror
Throw it in neutral
And cruise
Past the sun
Blow up Pluto
Just for fun
I wanna meet
Some little green guys
I think it would be cool

Psalm 666: Requiem For A Dead Trend

Yea though I walk through the valley
of the Mall Of America
I shall fear no independent thought
for thou art just like everybody else
Thy latest trend it comforts me

MTV is my shepard
I shall not think
thou annointest my head with trendy fashions
thou makest me to lie down
in the same pastures as everyone else

Praise be to Puff Daddy
and Hanson bless us with your wisdom
and show me how to be alternative
I wanna be different like you
just like everybody else

I pledge allegiance to the trend
and to the corporation
for which it stands
One flock, indivisible
under the gods of fashion
With ignorance, complacency, and blind acceptance for all

Hardcore America

$5 a head
thrown into the scene
a punk rock fashion plate
freak show
center stage hardcore
another movement dies
nipple rings,big jeans
crowd is gathered front
club falls silent
lights go down
one last joint
gets passed around
a chord is struck
the crowd erupts
front row center
kids get crushed
nameless hardcore band
speed freak
screaming vengence
can't make out a word
but its too loud to ignore
bass pounding out
chain wallets meet Doc Martens
fists and boots and people
a brutal sweaty mix
hardcore kid leaps the stage
jumps into the crowd
drunk guy hits the floor
bodies flying all around
a fight breaks out in center
a punch is thrown
a guard is pissed
danger breeds raw energy
fall, get trampled
thrown off to the side
catch your breath
spit a tooth
heal your wounds
and jump back in the pit
this place is fucking nuts
i love it
i hate it
this is the underground
hardcore america


tobacco burns my lungs
as cold air rips across this plane
a second sometimes lasts forever
while years go by like days
and every minute
brings me closer to the last
and time has a way of erasing itself
when nothing ever ends
or begins
light brings forth life
to the shadow of chaos
it is my own reflection
looking at me
with black eyes to match
the weight which it brings
to my heart
i feel like i'm falling
through eternity
and nothing will
stop me now
as i plunge into
another endless night
in this world
adrift on a burning boat
across the river styx
drifting through time itself
and never stopping
to look back
i still can't see
the road ahead
my eyes are blinded
by the light
of mourning

Seven Windows

The mind is a prison with seven windows to the world. There is only one doorway. To cross this threshold is to enter the point of no return. Pacing inside a 2X6 cage with no bars, only walls. Each brick a moment of apprehension in the face of our fears. The darkness outside these prison walls is made of these fears. We build our own walls for protection against the darkness.The windows are our only view of the outside, and the only view which others can take what lies within our walls. It is an insignificant, inadequate glimpse of the bigger picture which we fail to see. Inside these prison walls I pace. Throwing myself against the bricks, climbing through the darkness, clawing and tearing through shadows and ghosts of memory. Occasionally making my way to the door, only to fall back in the face of fear and once again into the dank cell of my own repression. Another brick in the wall. The windows are the five senses combined with independent thought and action. The doorway is death or insanity, whichever comes first. There is no escape. To cross this door is to enter into the unknown and take our chances in the darkness. The prison walls protect us from the reality of our own insignifigance. Through the walls, we cannot gain a full view of what lies beyond. perhaps this is for the best, that we not know true fear. The only way to be free is to break down these walls and claw our way to the outside. Taking the risk of exposing our true nature to whatever lies beyond the walls of repression, guilt, and fear.


Sometimes we're like machines, reacting to all we see. Writhing and turning and burning to bury our heads in the dirt; hoping for shelter from the light of morning. The final moment blackens the sun like earth to sky to fire to water.
This bleak November day.

Lightning cracks the sky, clouds eclipse the sun. We're all drowning, trapped in an hourglass and tossed to the sea. To let the current take us where it may. This bleak November day. The clouds are drifting, all the leaves have died. We can't see the forest through the burning trees. The earth is on fire. My brain is only numb. I'm sleeping in my thoughts and drifting through the years. Living and dying day by day. And never looking back can make you forget there ever was a past. The future is so distant, though always moving forward. And this life will never end.

Dreaming only kills time and time is the killer of dreams. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear it scream? For every word i've ever spoken, there's a thousand in my mind. For every minute that's remembered, days have gone forgotten. As every second brings me that much closer to the last. I take a breath, exhale and stare into the past.

MacGyver Is God
Co-Written by Jason Eliseo

Once upon a time...

I was watching Barney reruns, smoking pot and dropping acid. Then I was kidnapped by aliens. They took me on their ship and made me watch PBS for three days straight, while they hooked electrodes up to my nipples and performed experiments on me. Sesame Street was on, you know the episode where Big Bird gets his new pail and shovel.

Then the Enterprise came to rescue me. Jean-Luc said,"Fire the fruiton torpedoes, and send a boarding party to try and make peace with the aliens." They set their phasers on stun and Scotty beamed them over. The aliens were too quick however, and the Enterprise was destroyed in a fiery holocaust. There was a payphone on the ship, so I decided to call MacGyver. I didn't have any cash, because I spent it all on slushies, so I dialed 1-800-COLLECT, and saved him some cash.

Back on Earth, in James Bond's secret hideout, MacGyver was already preparing to rescue me. He used the grappling hook that Q gave him to grapple onto the alien ship. He had to hold his breath the whole time, because there is no oxygen in space, and this makes breathing very hard. When macGyver reached the ship, he found that the door was locked. It had a deadbolt on it. MacGyver managed to make a bomb out of earwax and duct-tape. By the time he finally blasted through the door however, it was too late. He had passed out from lack of oxygen. The aliens found MacGyver lying on the floor in a pool of his own vomit. They thought he was dead, so they fired him out the fruiton torpedo tube. Captain Kirk, angered about the death of his old poker buddy Jean-Luc Picard, saved Macgyver just in time by beaming him aboard the old Enterprise, which had come to kick some alien ass.

We were near Uranus when the Klingons attacked. their leader, the fearless Vlad The Impaler screamed, "I Am Cornholeo!". In Klingon this means, "My Nipples Are On Fire!", as Klingon nipple juice is known to be highly flammable. Apparantly Vlad had lit his joint too close to his nipples for the last time. We landed on Uranus to escape the Klingon attack.

Captain Kirk sent Spock and MacGyver down to the planet to save me, because he was too busy making out with some green chick to do it himself. When MacGyver reached the surface of Uranus, he realized a terrible mistake had been made. MacGyver's ass was on backwards. He thought back to the drinking party he had with Scotty the night before, and making him chug that 12-pack of Romulan Canadian Ice. Scotty was obviously drunk off his ass again. MacGyver took out his swiss army knife and used some duct-tape to alleviate the problem. By this time however, they had been spotted by the aliens. Spock and MacGyver were taken prisoner also.

Back on the Klingon ship, Vlad had finally put his nipples out using baking soda and peroxide. His nipples were scarred for life though, and Wharf told him so, so they went home.

It is very cold on Uranus, so the aliens left. They took us to their secret hideout, deep in the hills of Columbia, where Juan Valdez and his trusty mountaingoat go to gather fresh "coffee beans" every morning (Yeah sure those are coffee beans Juan's gathering). The aliens took us to their leader. It was a big fat hairy guy who kind of looked like Saddam. Then I realized it was Saddam...on steroids. I thought to myself, "Oh boy, we're all fucked". Bill Clinton was there too, but he wasn't much help. Apparantly he had been trying to save us, but he passed out from drinking too much bongwater. It seemed no one could save us now.

By this time, Captain Kirk had realized his mistake. He fired the retro-rockets, and said "Warp Speed 9, Mr. Sulu!". The Enterprise was back to Earth in no time. Captain Kirk beamed a rescue party down to the alien fortress. The rescue party easily defeated Saddam's secret death squad of Kurds, by throwing food at them.

By now, MacGyver had used his nose hairs to pick the locks on his chains. This sounded the alarm, alerting the remaining Kurds of the escape attempt. MacGyver had to think fast. He picked up Bill Clinton and pissed on his head, to create a distraction. This gave Spock enough time to reach the phaser he had hidden behind his ears. He set the phaser on kill, and ignited Bill Clinton's head. Clinton's nipples were highly combustible, because he is part Klingon. the resulting nipple explosion took care of the rest of the Kurds.

Now the only thing standing between us and freedom was Saddam, and Vlad The Impaler, who had reconstructive surgery done on his nipples, and had returned to join his old drinking buddy Saddam in a fight to the death.

Just then, the Enterprise landing crew smashed through the door. They were pissed. Juan Vladez had shown them the way to the secret hideout. Saddam and his drinking buddy, sensing the impending doom, lit a joint and rushed to the escape pod. They returned to their home planet Spaceball, where they were sentenced to have their asses on backwards for life.

Spock still had no ide what the hell was going on, but he looked at me and said, "Would you like to dance?"Then he gave me the peace sign and said, "Live long and prosper." So I gave him half a peace sign. Then Spock beamed back to the old Enterprise and headed for the unknown, the final frontier...

Now it was just me, Juan Vladez, and MacGyver. We all rode away on Juan's trusty mountain goat, drinking coffee and talking about duct-tape. The world is safe now, thanks to MacGyver.


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