And you run and you run to catch up with the sunBut it's sinking, Racing around to come up behind you againThe sun is the same in a relative way, but you're olderShorter of breath and one day closer to deathEvery day is getting shorter,Never seem to find the timePlans that either come to naughtOr half a page of scribbled linesTime, Pink Floyd 1972
Keep in mind as you are reading this that I don't tend to write much when I'm in a good mood. The background at which you are looking (it will load eventually) is the brain scan of a clinically depressed individual. Besides looking cool, I thought it rather appropriate. Most of this was written during sporadic dark periods of manic depression on my part. As for the lyrics, don't get the wrong impression. I will state for the record that I am not currently, nor have I ever been, in a good band. Maybe some day I will write some music to go with them, but right now I haven't got time. I am hoping to find maybe a group of individuals who share my vision as well as my complete lack of musical talent. When I find these people I will start a band. My respect to Paul Pines, a teacher who helped me to explore different styles and extremes in writing. My appreciation to the various friends who have recognized some small spark of creative talent, and through encouragement and assistance
have helped me to develop that talent. Keep in mind also that I never said i was good at this. This is only a forum for the pages of scribbled lines which have collected dust in notebooks over the years. Feel free to E-Mail and tell me what you think. That's it for now, I will be updating periodically. Have fun. Bye.
Lyrics2 Feet Below The SurfaceWasting TimeIn Our Dreams We Are Immortal CatatonicThe Road Ahead (Walking Into The Night) Another Perfect Day Suburban Life Dead To The World?Other StuffA Cold NightDripping EmPtYv Tequila Sunrise Forever Lost Green Men Psalm 666: Requiem For A Dead Trend Hardcore America Drifting Seven Windows November MacGyver Is GodMy Other Websites:
TRAVIS BICKLE'S BAD DAY
LORD OF THE PIT
TRENDY ALBUM REVIEW
THE LAST WORD
- January 23, 2006-
Hey fuckers. This is probably going to be my last update. For all intents and purposes this site is done. I completed most of the updates I wanted to in six months of intense labor. The code has all been updated for the most part and I fixed a lot of the graphics and developed some fucking awesome backgrounds. At this point the only thing I can do to improve shit around here is learn CSS coding and pay for a real site instead of letting geocities consistently ruin this one. I havenít got the fucking time or patience to devote to learning all the new gay computer geek shit thatís supposedly changing the face of the internet. It all seems like bullshit to me. HTML was simple and efficient and made sense. I canít even begin to understand or care about this new shit that makes what was previously one line of code into 20 different kinds of fucking codes. Iím not getting paid for this and I have better things to do. On my second point, Geocities has fucking raped this site for all itís worth by throwing up ad banners that take up half my page and limiting my bandwidth to the point where the site is down every single time I check it. To that end, Iím mirroring this site in Angelfire and updating all the links so they will lead there. That will break up some of the bandwidth and allow my backgrounds to stay and serve as my final fuck you to geocities. I was going to pay for a domain name and private site, but Geocities strong arming me by fucking up the free site Iíve had for years doesnít exactly give me a warm and fuzzy feeling about giving them my money to get their shit off my page. I never wanted a pay site. Like I said in my last update, when I started this page seven years ago the point was just to get a free site to make fun of shit and talk about drinking and death metal. I was 21 then, in college with no responsibilities, drinking heavily and going to shows every weekend. Iím 29 now, have a full time job and a kid and a lot of fucking bills. The last thing Iím interested in doing is adding a perpetual expense to my budget as protection money so Geocities doesnít shut this site down. And honestly I could fucking care less. I donít have the time to write reviews or update as much anymore and most of what I have to say has already been posted. I might do some updates to Lyrical Warfare because I just started that page and thereís only a couple of reviews so far. The rest of the site is more or less done though and I donít feel the need to keep updating just for the sake of updating. For anyone still interested in any of this shit, I have a profile and some additional info, possibly a blog, started at
www.myspace.com/fallenempire2000. Iíll also be spending some time with my industrial death metal project 20 Days Of Darkness. Look for the name because itís gonna be bigger than the Beatles. Weíll all be fucking supermodels, shooting up, and blowing rails off of platinum CDs a year from now. I just downloaded like $10,000 worth of mixing boards, and synth, guitar, and drum effect programs for free. Limewire bitches. There might be a site at MP3.com once we get some fucking songs written. So thatís basically it for this site. It was fun for a while. Remember donít trust the government, the far right are an exciting mixture of incompetent religious freaks and truly dangerous people, and the far left are a bunch of shrill, whiny, hypocritical bitches who would be just as dangerous if they were in power. Choose your own path in life. And that bullshit that clear channel plays is not fucking metal. Iíll leave you with my final reviews for 2006. Acid Bath is and always will be the coolest fucking band that ever existed. They only released two albums so it would be pretty hard for you to fuck this up. Go and buy both of those CDs, drop a couple tabs and put that shit on repeat for about ten hours. You can thank me later. For people who still listen to the radio, pay attention because Tool is the most important mainstream band playing today and Maynard's been holed up somewhere for months working on a new album. Anything they release is going to be the best album of 2006. All That Remains is the best band playing in the underground right now, they are truly talented and would be huge if anyone had the balls to play real metal on the radio, take my word and buy anything they put out because it's going to slay these other poser commercial metal bands. Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath are the most important bands ever to exist, you should already own everything they put out even that weak shit when it was only Tony Iommi in the band or when David Gilmour was trying to sound like Dire Straits. That shit is better than 90% of the records you will ever buy. Throw out your Slipknot and Staind albums and pick up as many Mercyful Fate and King Diamond records as you can find and listen to that shit over and over. Homeboyís a certified member of the church of satan, has a four octave vocal range, still rocks the corpsepaint, and has been doing the same shit for 25 years regardless of trends. Thatís fucking metal. Later bitches.
Lyrics2 Feet Below The SurfaceFresh blood for the wolvescast me to the firered hot coals take my eyesthe end of all desire2 feet below the surfacebut i find it hard to breathei can see the light abovebut something's drowning meAcid burns my veinsfeeding my desirewretching in the dirtas blood turns to fireEverything is grey2 feet below the surfacestruggling for airdoused in mud,drowned in blooddon't tell me that you carethe blood is in the waterand the water's turning redand i can see the surface nowbut i'm already deadEverything in this worldis shifting shades of greythis is the darkest hourof my greatest dayWasting TimeTake another hitlaughing as you fallsmell of incense burns the airblack light round us allsound of Pink Floyd blaresleaving echoes in the airlight breaks upon the roomyour deadened icy starewe're all dying one by oneand we don't even careLaugh and drown your sorrowas you take another hitbut do not drink the watercause the water makes you sickPass another cigarettea joke to kill the timewe're all wasting youthand we're all doing finewe won't ever leave this townwe don't really carelight the bowl, pull the slidegreen cloud fills the airi'm chokingLaughter hides the painas it all burns awaywe all die tomorrowwe're just wasting time todayGlowing posters on the wallsmell of death in the airkill away another daysound of Floyd always therepass another joint aroundtell us all another lie
another day i won't rememberanother day until i dieLaugh and cleanse your sorrowin a world full of shitdo not breathe the watercause the cloud is getting thickLaughter hides the painthat we all burn awaywe all die tomorrowbut we are young todaywe got years to sit right herewasting life awayIn Our Dreams We Are ImmortalDid you finally talk to God?Did your mind expand in space?Did it make you really happy?When you finally saw his face?And everybody's dying hereAnd everybody's stonedClaw through shadowsClimb the wallsAnd find ourselves aloneThe writing fading on the wallsIs what the prophets saidHalf a page of scribbled linesTo match the voices in your headDid you finally talk to God?Did you finally see his face?Did it make you happyWhen you finally left this place?Someday I will see youAnd someday we'll be freeAnd someday I will look like youAnd someday you will feel like meI tear through random thoughtsFinding shelter in this painLook for God and find yourselfAnd finally slowly go insaneI hope that you can find yourselfOur final days are coming soon
Maybe I will find my peaceAlong the dark side of the moonSomeday I will see youAnd someday we'll be freeAnd someday I will feel like GodAnd someday God will look like meApathy takes place of empathyWatching clouds eclipse the sunAre you really feeling empty?And are you really having fun?CatatonicDarkness surrounds usabounding in ragebanging my headon the walls of this cageNo one is listeningeveryone's staringi feel like i'm drowningand i have no bearingA thousand people in a circlethe center is a lonely placeall eyes on me expecting a worddark of their shadows covers my faceand anger was a lonely placeeyes of a genius stare into spacewe are the rats in this mazeNot a word was ever spokento put across this point of viewthoughts take years then disappearand everyone is scared for youSchitzophrenic, bored to deaththoughts are painted on a pagethe final line is slowly writtenthere is no key to this cageScreaming silence, no one listens, i am catatonic, stuck in this place, there is no escapeThe Road Ahead (Walking Into The Night)The road is longthe sun is goneand the wind is at my backI hear your voiceand turn aroundbut all i see is blackand i know this night will never endi wonder if you still dream of mei wonder if you ever knewi think that time came to an endwhen i told you that i loved youThe shadows seem to call to mewhispering your nameand i know this night will never endand up ahead in the dark This road to nowhere starts to bendThe moon hangs lowthe night air burns my faceand i will walk a million milesbut i will never leave this placeThere's just a shadow of a reflection, passing me by in the cold still night. I hear you call to me, but fear to look back. No one is there and i am alone in this world.i turn to lookand the sun is gonethe road is darkand the night is longi turn my headaway from the lightas i keep walking
ahead into the nightWhen all you have knownis taken awayand the rest of the worldleft to decaythe only things which matterare left in your heart and these are the thingswhich will tear you apartsomething dark is on the road aheadAnother Perfect Dayyeah sure whateveranother day is deadcan't stop this screaming in my headdon't know what it isits only getting worseyesterday sure suckedthe future's just a curseask me if i'm righti'll just say you're wrongI'd like to say i understandbut once again its fucking goneSit upon the streetcornerand watch the suit and tie paradecrack another ice cold beerand dream for yesterdaytry not to drink the waterit tastes like wet cigarettesit can get you really highit can get you really sicki can't live for tomorrowcould this be the american dream?i have not got a fucking clueand nothing's what it seemsyeah whateverwhatever you sayyeah sure whateveranother day is gonei'm not bitterbut i'm not betterits been killing me so longyeah sure whateverwhatever you sayall my hope is goneits just another perfect day
Suburban LifeI got no time to speak to youi gotta have some funtonight we smoke until we dropcollapse another lungGot myself a nickel bagand a pack of easy widesanother day is dead and goneand we all get fucking highThere's ethnic war in Bosniaand things i've never seeni can't relate and i don't carei gotta clean my screenStole some nitrous oxidefrom the store just down the streetsmoke and black light cloud my roombut i think the bowl is beatAll my friends are potheadsits all we ever dolife can suck when nothing happensbut at least we're not like youI can't cope when i'm soberbut i got cash to blowthings will never change for mecause my father is the C.E.O.We'll never ever leave this townand we don't fucking carelight the bowl, pull the slidegreen cloud fills the airThe cops will never catch us
and we won't ever go to jailand if we ever get sent upwe'll sell the bag to pay for bailAll my friends are stonersits all we ever doits not much,but its what we gotand at least we're not like youSuburban life is fucking greati love this life a loteverybody acts the sameand everyone smokes potDead To The World?Did you ever dreamabout your deepest fears?and did you seewhat was never cleardid you ever lieto yourself inside?did you really thinkyou'd be the one to dieWe don't care about tomorrowwe don't feel our sorrowwe just take the tideall we need is a place to hidefrom what we feel insideand we never criedwe never liedit was all about slow suicideWe don't see so everclearwe don't need our deepest fearswe don't know why we're herewe never knew you were so nearWe know now that we are blindripping holes in our mindsnever stop to take the timeto think about what we will findto reflect thoughtsthat were never therewe're dead alreadywe don't carelooking up to an empty stareand in our worldyou were never thereEmpty stare and a blank expressionfind the dead man's facecries for nothing, what was missing
we have to leave this placedid you ever crywhen you knew you had been wrongdid you lie,did you diebecause your will was gone?and did you burn, and did you lieto escape your own suicide?did you ever fly up so highjust to find your dreams have died?and did you ever mind, that you were blind?cause we can see so cleardid you die for your pain?or was it just your fears?did you ever think, did you ever knoweveryone has lieddid you ever cry? did you findyour peace in suicide?"They said to die is glorious. They lied."-Phil George, Battle Won Is Lost
Other StuffA Cold Night
On the corner sidewalk. Only the brave come out at night. Spraypaint dries and cracks. Sound of music fills the air with intimidation. Hard edge street bass ghetto posture banging away in the night. The man on the corner waits. Its a cold night on the hill. So cold and empty you can almost see fear in the air. And cops roll by on the hour. The man waits on the corner. A few pass, a few stop. The cold doesn't bother a man much when he gets his favorite fix. Cold uncut jewel smacks the sidewalk as spraypaint dries upon the wall. And death has a way of creeping up on a man when he least expects it. Like a theif in the night, comes out of the shadows and then slips away without a sound. The cops roll by in passive silence. The man waits on the corner. A deal is struck, but all to soon. From the shadows you can almost see the silver. Hammer cocks and releases. The man on the corner falls to the ground. Pistol smoke rises like the last breath of a dying man, mixing with the frigid
night air. Spraypaint covered in a chalk outline. The cops roll by in the night.
Co-Written with Sandra Caughey and Sam Ginsburg
with my own visionas i look in the mirroronly to see an empty shellstaring back into my eyesi see a reflection ofa person i don't even knowand the lines on my facegrowing clearer every dayas every momentbrings me furtherto the abyssif there's a bottomits full of blood and bonedust is floatingthrough the airwith the beauty of destructionwhat happened to this placepools of acid roam and timeis losing me and of the essenceof the one thing i cannot findthe lines on the pagelooking for answersin a world of liestear the pagesfrom the booktear yourself from thisworldthe pages fall to the groundand burnthem one by oneuntil nothing is leftthat is the only answeri can findthey will burn in a flameone that can never be wxtinguishedfor the poweris greater than lifelooking for meaning in
everything and dying allthe way on my wayhomei take my razorat my wristyour picture on my chestmy blood stains your wordsi hope you never rest
MTV is overI just wish it'd go awayAnother wanna be nirvana bandLets just line em up today10 minutes of commercialsAnd not a thing to sayAll they see is dollar signsIs this the price we pay?Can't cope with the real worldAnd i don't care about the showA beach house spring break partyTo which i cannot goI don't wanna see you gameshowsI don't wanna see Road RulesI don't wanna see your beachouseI don't care about your poolI just wanna see a videoThat i have not seen todayHalf a million times alreadyBut that's all you ever playSo line up another buzz bandWhile I waste my life awayWatching your damn channelEvery single day
this is the greatest daylife is seeping through the crackscreeping through the cloudsas the light of sunriseburns in my eyesanother day becomesanother lonely night is deadcolors of morning make me dizzyand illi fall downsmashing my head on the tablemy face hits the floor assunrise shines on a dead worldan empty deserta burning oasis wheresorrow is drowned in another glassand the bottle of poisonis almost emptyi stagger to my feetas it smashes to the floorgod, what a nighti love the smell of tequila in the morning
Based on story of Orpheus from Greek MythologySynopsis:Orpheus' bride is bitten by a snake, dies, goes to the underworld (hell).He crosses into the land of the dead to bring her back. Makes a deal with Hades (Satan). If he can get back to his world without looking back, she can return with him. At the last moment before he crosses, he looks back to see if she's there. He sees her disappear back into the land of the dead. Lost forever.
I curse the gods and heavensto see your face before mea queen of endless beautya love which will not diei give all to youand i'd give everythingfor one last glanceof EurydiceLike gods of the sunso once were wewhen time seemed endlessand the world lay before usfilled with hope and mysteryand in that world of life and lovemy heart shall staywith you, EurydiceCurse the godsand Hades burn foreverin your flames of envynothing stands between usbut deathSweet EurydiceUpon the River Acheronacross the River StyxI shall wander here foreverthe fires of hell will be my comfortuntil we are as one againWith your name upon my lipsi give myself to deathand leave this world behind mefor one last embracefair Eurydice
Green menIn the skyIn the nightSpacecaraftRadiationGlowing lightI want to meetSome little green guysAnd hang outFor a whileI wanna joyrideA flying saucerCrank some ZeppelinOn the tapedeckOf the mothershipsitting shotgun1000 miles an hourWith the radio onLeave this worldFor a whileSee the galaxyIn an hourVisit the home planetOf those littleGreen dudesWith big headsBring back someCool alien souveniersAnd on the way bakDrag race the EnterpriseFor pink slips and beerTo the end of the universeAnd backWith no slowing downConfuse Kirk and StarfleetBy being the only aliensIn the galaxyWho don't speak EnglishWe'd make crop circlesWith big peace signsAnd i could sign my nameAt the bottomMaybe get on the X-FilesFor another damn episodeAbout alien abductions
Then just for funLand in a fieldSomewhere in NebraskaOn top of some cowsAnd scare the hellOut of a few farmersIn the heartlandThen tear assWarp speedAcross the globeBuzz the town of RoswellAnd leave the airforce in our dustAs we burn acrossThe galaxyAnd Zeppelin rocksOn a pair of bad assAlien subwoofersWith dice hanging off the mirrorThrow it in neutralAnd cruisePast the sunBlow up PlutoJust for funI wanna meetSome little green guysI think it would be cool
Psalm 666: Requiem For A Dead Trend
Yea though I walk through the valleyof the Mall Of AmericaI shall fear no independent thoughtfor thou art just like everybody elseThy latest trend it comforts meMTV is my shepardI shall not thinkthou annointest my head with trendy fashionsthou makest me to lie downin the same pastures as everyone elsePraise be to Puff Daddyand Hanson bless us with your wisdomand show me how to be alternativeI wanna be different like youjust like everybody elseI pledge allegiance to the trendand to the corporationfor which it standsOne flock, indivisibleunder the gods of fashionWith ignorance, complacency, and blind acceptance for all
$5 a headthrown into the scenea punk rock fashion platefreak showcenter stage hardcoreanother movement diesnipple rings,big jeanscrowd is gathered frontclub falls silentlights go downone last jointgets passed arounda chord is struckthe crowd eruptsfront row centerkids get crushednameless hardcore bandspeed freakscreaming vengencecan't make out a wordbut its too loud to ignorebass pounding out agressionchain wallets meet Doc Martensfists and boots and peoplea brutal sweaty mixhardcore kid leaps the stagejumps into the crowddrunk guy hits the floorbodies flying all arounda fight breaks out in centera punch is throwna guard is pisseddanger breeds raw energyfall, get trampledthrown off to the sidecatch your breathspit a toothheal your woundsand jump back in the pit
this place is fucking nutsi love iti hate itthis is the undergroundhardcore america
tobacco burns my lungsas cold air rips across this planea second sometimes lasts foreverwhile years go by like daysand every minutebrings me closer to the lastand time has a way of erasing itselfwhen nothing ever endsor beginslight brings forth lifeto the shadow of chaosit is my own reflectionlooking at mewith black eyes to matchthe weight which it bringsto my hearti feel like i'm fallingheadfirstthrough eternityand nothing willstop me nowas i plunge intoanother endless nightin this worldadrift on a burning boatacross the river styxdrifting through time itselfand never stoppingto look backi still can't seethe road aheadmy eyes are blindedby the lightof mourning
The mind is a prison with seven windows to the world. There is only one doorway. To cross this threshold is to enter the point of no return. Pacing inside a 2X6 cage with no bars, only walls. Each brick a moment of apprehension in the face of our fears. The darkness outside these prison walls is made of these fears. We build our own walls for protection against the darkness.The windows are our only view of the outside, and the only view which others can take what lies within our walls. It is an insignificant, inadequate glimpse of the bigger picture which we fail to see. Inside these prison walls I pace. Throwing myself against the bricks, climbing through the darkness, clawing and tearing through shadows and ghosts of memory. Occasionally making my way to the door, only to fall back in the face of fear and once again into the dank cell of my own repression. Another brick in the wall. The windows are the five senses combined with independent thought and action.
The doorway is death or insanity, whichever comes first. There is no escape. To cross this door is to enter into the unknown and take our chances in the darkness. The prison walls protect us from the reality of our own insignifigance. Through the walls, we cannot gain a full view of what lies beyond. perhaps this is for the best, that we not know true fear. The only way to be free is to break down these walls and claw our way to the outside. Taking the risk of exposing our true nature to whatever lies beyond the walls of repression, guilt, and fear.
Sometimes we're like machines, reacting to all we see. Writhing and turning and burning to bury our heads in the dirt; hoping for shelter from the light of morning. The final moment blackens the sun like earth to sky to fire to water. This bleak November day.Lightning cracks the sky, clouds eclipse the sun. We're all drowning, trapped in an hourglass and tossed to the sea. To let the current take us where it may. This bleak November day. The clouds are drifting, all the leaves have died. We can't see the forest through the burning trees. The earth is on fire. My brain is only numb. I'm sleeping in my thoughts and drifting through the years. Living and dying day by day. And never looking back can make you forget there ever was a past. The future is so distant, though always moving forward. And this life will never end.Dreaming only kills time and time is the killer of dreams. If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear it scream? For every word i've
ever spoken, there's a thousand in my mind. For every minute that's remembered, days have gone forgotten. As every second brings me that much closer to the last. I take a breath, exhale and stare into the past.
MacGyver Is God
Co-Written by Jason Eliseo
Once upon a time...I was watching Barney reruns, smoking pot and dropping acid. Then I was kidnapped by aliens. They took me on their ship and made me watch PBS for three days straight, while they hooked electrodes up to my nipples and performed experiments on me. Sesame Street was on, you know the episode where Big Bird gets his new pail and shovel.
Then the Enterprise came to rescue me. Jean-Luc said,"Fire the fruiton torpedoes, and send a boarding party to try and make peace with the aliens." They set their phasers on stun and Scotty beamed them over. The aliens were too quick however, and the Enterprise was destroyed in a fiery holocaust. There was a payphone on the ship, so I decided to call MacGyver. I didn't have any cash, because I spent it all on slushies, so I dialed 1-800-COLLECT, and saved him some cash.
Back on Earth, in James Bond's secret hideout, MacGyver was already preparing to rescue me. He used the grappling hook that Q gave him to grapple onto the alien ship. He had to hold his breath the whole time, because there is no oxygen in space, and this makes breathing very hard. When macGyver reached the ship, he found that the door was locked. It had a deadbolt on it. MacGyver managed to make a bomb out of earwax and duct-tape. By the time he finally blasted through the door however, it was too late. He had passed out from lack of oxygen. The aliens found MacGyver lying on the floor in a pool of his own vomit. They thought he was dead, so they fired him out the fruiton torpedo tube. Captain Kirk, angered about the death of his old poker buddy Jean-Luc Picard, saved Macgyver just in time by beaming him aboard the old Enterprise, which had come to kick some alien ass.
We were near Uranus when the Klingons attacked. their leader, the fearless Vlad The Impaler screamed, "I Am Cornholeo!". In Klingon this means, "My Nipples Are On Fire!", as Klingon nipple juice is known to be highly flammable. Apparantly Vlad had lit his joint too close to his nipples for the last time. We landed on Uranus to escape the Klingon attack.
Captain Kirk sent Spock and MacGyver down to the planet to save me, because he was too busy making out with some green chick to do it himself. When MacGyver reached the surface of Uranus, he realized a terrible mistake had been made. MacGyver's ass was on backwards. He thought back to the drinking party he had with Scotty the night before, and making him chug that 12-pack of Romulan Canadian Ice. Scotty was obviously drunk off his ass again. MacGyver took out his swiss army knife and used some duct-tape to alleviate the problem. By this time however, they had been spotted by the aliens. Spock and MacGyver were taken prisoner also.
Back on the Klingon ship, Vlad had finally put his nipples out using baking soda and peroxide. His nipples were scarred for life though, and Wharf told him so, so they went home.
It is very cold on Uranus, so the aliens left. They took us to their secret hideout, deep in the hills of Columbia, where Juan Valdez and his trusty mountaingoat go to gather fresh "coffee beans" every morning (Yeah sure those are coffee beans Juan's gathering). The aliens took us to their leader. It was a big fat hairy guy who kind of looked like Saddam. Then I realized it was Saddam...on steroids. I thought to myself, "Oh boy, we're all fucked". Bill Clinton was there too, but he wasn't much help. Apparantly he had been trying to save us, but he passed out from drinking too much bongwater. It seemed no one could save us now.
By this time, Captain Kirk had realized his mistake. He fired the retro-rockets, and said "Warp Speed 9, Mr. Sulu!". The Enterprise was back to Earth in no time. Captain Kirk beamed a rescue party down to the alien fortress. The rescue party easily defeated Saddam's secret death squad of Kurds, by throwing food at them.
By now, MacGyver had used his nose hairs to pick the locks on his chains. This sounded the alarm, alerting the remaining Kurds of the escape attempt. MacGyver had to think fast. He picked up Bill Clinton and pissed on his head, to create a distraction. This gave Spock enough time to reach the phaser he had hidden behind his ears. He set the phaser on kill, and ignited Bill Clinton's head. Clinton's nipples were highly combustible, because he is part Klingon. the resulting nipple explosion took care of the rest of the Kurds.
Now the only thing standing between us and freedom was Saddam, and Vlad The Impaler, who had reconstructive surgery done on his nipples, and had returned to join his old drinking buddy Saddam in a fight to the death.
Just then, the Enterprise landing crew smashed through the door. They were pissed. Juan Vladez had shown them the way to the secret hideout. Saddam and his drinking buddy, sensing the impending doom, lit a joint and rushed to the escape pod. They returned to their home planet Spaceball, where they were sentenced to have their asses on backwards for life.
Spock still had no ide what the hell was going on, but he looked at me and said, "Would you like to dance?"Then he gave me the peace sign and said, "Live long and prosper." So I gave him half a peace sign. Then Spock beamed back to the old Enterprise and headed for the unknown, the final frontier...
Now it was just me, Juan Vladez, and MacGyver. We all rode away on Juan's trusty mountain goat, drinking coffee and talking about duct-tape. The world is safe now, thanks to MacGyver.
Questions Complaints And Death Threats
Email: firstname.lastname@example.orgImages used in the design of this page:
Escalator - Scott Mutter
The Burning Giraffe - Salvador Dali
The Endless Enigma - Salvador Dali
Wish You Were Here Album Cover - Pink Floyd