U.S.A. Humor 4

Hobo

A hobo comes up to the front door 

of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. 

When the farm owner answers, 

the hobo asks him, 

"Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? 

I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, 

"I’ve made a fortune in my lifetime 

by supplying goods for people. 

I've never given anything away for nothing. 

However, if you go around the back, 

you will see a gallon of paint 

and a clean paint brush. 

If you paint my porch, 

I will give you a good meal."

The hobo goes around back 

and a while later 

he again knocks on the door. 

The owner says, 

"Finished already? 

Good. Come on in. Sit down. 

The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, 

"Thank you very much, sir. 

But there's something 

that I think you should know. 

It's not a Porsche 

you had me paint for you, 

it's a BMW."

Golf

Two couples went out golfing together. 

The men hit first from the men's tee 

and walked with the ladies to their tee box. 

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, 

missing it completely, 

while passing some gas 

rather loudly in the process. 

No one commented. 

She addressed the ball again

 but this time she passed just little gas 

as she made contact with the ball, 

topping it and moving it only a short distance. 

She said, 

"I wonder why it didn't go any further?" 

One of the men said, 

"I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

Over 40

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... 

And for those who are
Turning 40, 

and for those 

who are scared of moving 

into their 50's...

AND
60's....

and for guys

 who are scared of girls 

over 40!!!!

As I grow in age, 

I value women who are over 40 most of all. 

Here are
Just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never 

wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" 

She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40

 doesn't want to watch the game, 

she doesn't sit
Around whining about it. 

She does something she wants to do. 

And, it's
Usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40

 knows herself well enough 

to be assured in who she is,
What she is, 

what she wants and from whom. 

Few women past the age of 40
Give a hoot what you might think 

about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. 

They seldom have a screaming match with you
At the opera 

or in the middle 

of an expensive restaurant. 

Of course, if
You deserve it, 

they won't hesitate to shoot you, 

if they think they can
Get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, 

often undeserved. 

They know what
it's like to be unappreciated. 

A woman over 40 

has the self-assurance to
Introduce you to her women friends. 

A younger woman with a man will
Often ignore 

even her best friend 

because she doesn't trust the guy with
Other women. 

Women over 40 

couldn't care less 

if you're attracted to her Friends

 because she knows 

her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. 

You never have to confess your sins to a
Woman over 40. 

They always know.

A woman over 40 

looks good wearing bright red lipstick. 

This is not true
Of younger women. 

Once you get past a wrinkle or two,

 a woman over 40 is
Far sexier

 than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. 

They'll tell you right off if you
Are a jerk if you are acting like one! 

You don't ever have to wonder
Where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 

for a multitude of reasons.

 Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal.

 For every stunning, 

smart, well-coiffed hot woman
Of 40+, 

there is a bald, 

paunchy relic 

in yellow pants 

making a fool of
Himself 

with some 22-year-old waitress.

Marriage

There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man 

who had just married

 a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. 

One of his long time friends said to him,

 "How did you get that gorgeous woman 

to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" 

The man leaned over and said to his friend,

 "It was easy. 

I simply told her 

that I was 90 

and had heart problems."

Pals

A man was sitting dejectedly at a bar 

when a friend entered, 

slapped the man on the back 

and

 drank the seated fellow's drink.  

The seated man began to cry. 

Awww!  I'm sorry," he said. 

 "I was just teasing. 

 I'll buy you another drink." 

"No, you don't understand! 

My son died two weeks ago 

and my wife was so upset she left me. 

I was laid off last week 

and 

expect a foreclosure on the house soon. 

In addition, 

my doctor tells me 

I have a disease 

which will weaken me 

over the next few years

 but won't kill me for many years.  

Things look so dark

 that I decided to kill myself.

 Now 

you've waltzed in 

and drank my damned poison."

Leroy and Carol

Cold Snowy Night

It was a terrible night, 

blowing cold and snow 

in a most frightful manner.

 The streets were deserted 

and the local baker 

was just about to close up shop 

when a little man 

slipped through the door. 

He carried an umbrella, 

blown inside out, 

and was bundled in two sweaters 

and a thick coat.

 But even so he still looked wet, 

freezing, and bedraggled. 

As he unwound his scarf 

he said to the baker, 

"May I have

 two poppy seed bagels to go, please?" 

The baker said in astonishment,

 "Two bagels? Nothing more?" 

"That's right," answered the little man.

 "One for me and one for Sherry." 

"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker. 

"What do you think," snapped the little man, 

"my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Survey

According to a survey from Scott paper co.

* You can gauge a person's education 

by whether they read in the bathroom.

* More than 2/3 of the people 

with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.

* Only one in two high school grads 

read while in the bathroom, 

and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.

* Fifty-four percent of Americans 

fold their toilet tissue neatly 

while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.

* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)

* More than sixty percent

 prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top

 twenty-nine percent from the bottom. 

The rest don't care.

Page Created With Love By Pam Gallo

2007

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