USA Humor

Strategic responses 

to the ever dangerous...

"Do I look Fat" 

question...

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

 "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way

 on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

 "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

 ""Whoa!  A talking couch!!"

 "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Street Name Please

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"

the young man said to the 411 operator.

 "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"

the operator said.

 "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,

 "Well, most people just call me Tyrone."

The Bar

A businessman enters a tavern,

sits down at the bar,

and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket,

 then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one,

he again peeks inside his shirt pocket

and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says,

"Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long.

 But you gotta tell me

why you look inside your shirt pocket

before you order a refill."

 The customer replies,

 "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.

 When she starts to look good,

 then I know it's time to go home."

Beware of Stagnation

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital

and asked to see the "upturn".

 "I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?"

 asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl.

 "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

 "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

 To which the girl replied:

"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity....

what's the difference?

All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months,

and I think I'm stagnant."

Deer Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting 

and paired off in two's for the day.

That night one of the hunters returned alone,

 staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

 "Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind.

 He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter,

 "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

CAN YOU FEEL OUR HUGS

Page Created by: Pam Gallo

2007