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USA HUMOR 12
First
time sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over
Friday night to
meet,
and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such
a big event,
the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out
and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to
get some condoms.
He tells the
pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything
there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy
how many
condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy,
it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up
at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents
are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes,
and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass,
and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the
girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I
had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
Annual Physical
70-year old George went for his annual
physical.
All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said,
"George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and
emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself,
and do you have a good
relationship with God?"
George replied,
"God and me are tight.
He
knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up
in the middle
of the night to go to the bathroom
*poof*
the light goes on,
when I'm done
*poof*
the light goes off."
"Wow!"
commented Dr. Smith,
"That's incredible!"
A little later in the day
Dr. Smith called
George's wife.
"Ethel," he said,
"George is doing fine.
Physically he's great.
But, I had to call because
I'm in awe of his relationship
with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night
and
*poof*
the light goes
on in the bathroom,
and then when he is through
*poof*
the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed,
"Oh, my God!
He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Class Assignment
The teacher had given
the class an assignment.
He
stresses the importance
of this particular assignment,
and
that no excuses will
be accepted
except illness
(with a medical certificate)
or a death in the
immediate family
(with a note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes
up:
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up
laughing,
and when they settle down
the teacher responds with:
"Well,
I
guess you'll have to learn
to write
with your other hand."
Bag Lady
A
little old lady is walking down the street,
dragging two plastic garbage
bags,
one in each hand.
There's
a hole in one of the bags,
and once in a while a $20 bill
flies out
of it onto the pavement.
Noticing
this,
a policeman stops her and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20
bills
falling out of that bag ."
"Damn!",
says the little old lady,
"I'd better go back
and see if I
can find some of them.
Thanks for the warning!"
"Well,
now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get
all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh,
no", says the little old lady.
"You see,
my back
yard backs up to the parking lot
of the football stadium.
Each
time there's a game,
a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,
right
into my flower beds!"
So, I go and stand behind the
bushes
with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone
sticks his
willie through the bushes,
I say: '$20 or off it comes!' "
"Hey,
not a bad idea!", laughs the cop.
"Good luck!
But
by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well",
says the little old lady,
"not all of them pay!"
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