Xander's Diary by
Part One Sometimes, the images
my mind comes up with are too real. When I spend the whole
day at work fantasizing about Spike, I feel myself living in
these dreams. I drift deeper and
deeper into my little world
and after a long day I
am too exhausted
to make the effort of
differing dreams and reality. The only thing that
stops me
from throwing myself
into his muscled arms is
the squealing annoying
ex-vengeance demon
jumping into mine. Tearing me out of the
loved and safe ambience
I conjured up. Painful. And all I can give to
him instead of
the possessing kiss
to the pouting lips
is a look pregnant with
forced hostility. Shaking off the unwanted
blond
I manage to sit down
without breaking into
tears and
cry out my … yearning
for the undead. How can I go on like
this?! I simply go on. At night, after I
fulfilled my duty as a caring husband
to the never sated, too
loud moaning, too much demanding
wife
with the help of sex
toys and excuses of exhaustion,
I lie awake and pretend
to be with him. No. No sweaty wank fantasies go around my head. Just being with him
would be fulfillment. Complementation. I wish to lie down with
him,
side by side,
one hand entwined with one
of his
and bask in content,
trust, confidence. Because these are the
things
I never have
but will always desire. Part Two So, congrats to myself. Part Three 'Home'again. Part Four Tonight. Patrol. Paired with Spike as
always. Smoke. Leather. Copper. Spike. Far too near to me. I am thankful that my want of him is not the burning need to fuck him. Think he dismisses the
always present arousal,
the bulge my semi hard
cock
makes in my jeans,
explaining it with my
youth or just thinking,
I am a horny bastard. Well, until tonight. Stepping into the Magic
Box,
a six pack of beer
under my arm,
calling Spike names,
okay, more nicknames,
basking in his presence. A crying Anya,
wobbly chin stubborn
set,
screamed out her
frustration
to the girls, including
Dawn
and the glasses
scrubbing watcher, screamed that
“Xander refuses for
weeks now
to give me orgasms with
his cock or his mouth!” The urge to just grab
her
and snap her neck
- a satisfying sound –
was nearly
overwhelming. I suddenly felt for my
father. Sometimes you just lose
patience. My face is reddened
more by I now wonder,
if I would have simply
snapped
her neck when she still
was a
vengeance demon? Demon. Not human. Something I kill
without second thought
every night. Something easy to get
rid of. Dust and gone. Like Spike. No, not like Spike. He has more personality
than most of the
humans. More insight. More
perception. More beauty. I am not angry
that Anya complained. She just shouldn’t do
it in public. Not in front of other
men,
not in front of
customers. I turned my head to
look at Spike,
to get my daily dose of
humiliation
from the person it
hurts the most
to receive it from. Cutting through bones
with his accent,shredding my heart with
his sharp words. I was prepared for a
smirk,even for barely
contained laughter or for a disgusted
expression, but never ever for the
concerned look in his dark blue eyes. The anger for Anya
forgotten, totally confused I just turned around and flew out of the
store. On my way “home” I had the creepy
feeling that someone was
following me, but I have seen no one. So now I am lying on
the couch, the six pack missing
four bottles already and the two left will
follow soon. I am determined to
sleep on the couch, there is nothing Anya
could do to make me sleep in the bedroom. And all I feel is
relief. Relief that I don’t
need to pretend to be too tired to get
it up, that I am okay with
bringing her off without getting off
myself, that I am okay with
her. Part Five
When Anya came home last night
she woke me up. She tried to coerce me into
the bedroom,
promising sex. Sorry babe, hot soft folds
don't even get me up. She saw the beer and thought
I had accidentally passed out
on the couch. If she had an idea how much I
actually can drink... Looks like resistance to
alcohol is a family thing. I grinned and she said I was
a drunk like my father. She nearly got me to show
her, how my father really was, nearly beat her and I know I wouldn't have
stopped until she wasn't able to talk
and walk for a while. Instead I grabbed my jacket
and went out again. Congratulating myself for not
losing control. I hadn't even closed the door
behind me when a zippo lighting up made me aware of his presence. Without a word he fell into
step with me and we went to the next
store. Spike is pretty good at
stealing bottles. I only paid for two six
packs. "Somewhere quiet."
I said. "Crypt." "'k." So that's how I got here. We didn't talk about Anya. Why should we? She laid the cards on the
table for fucking everyone. Spike doesn't ask for the why I don't want to have sex with
her. He waits until I tell him
deliberately. When he thinks, someone pretends something, then he presses until that
someone just has to admit the truth. I don't pretend anything I just don't want to talk
about it. He knows that. He respects that. Pretty wasted, I passed out somewhere
between sunset and midday. I vaguely remember grabbing
Spike's hand when he put a blanket over
me. His other hand stroked
through my hair when I begged him to never
leave me. Or something. I hope I dreamed that. Or that Spike was drunk
enough to just ignore it. I wonder where he is now. Could need some more sleep to get rid of the sick feeling in my
stomach and the headache. And I like Spike's bed and
his blankets. They smell of him. Like Spike.
Even. Part Six A whole week
of living in a crypt,
living with Spike.
Part Seven Wow, more than two years since my last entry. So much has happened in the meantime. I never moved back in with Anya, I only went back once
to get some of my things, comic book collection
and personal documents. I didn’t take anything
else, I wanted a fresh start
without any baggage. I faced off with Giles that day, as bluntly as I could I just asked: "So you’re fucking Anya now?"> I didn’t know the watcher could blush, or even stutter. Frantically polishing his glasses he got back some dignity and told me he was in love with her. I am still proud that my face stayed expressionless, even when I just wanted to roll on the floor laughing. When I told Spike, he did just that, rolling on the bed laughing, that is, and in no time I joined his rolling and the laughter died down to moans and soft whimpering when I took his balls in my mouth, one at a time, shifting them around with my tongue. Giles and Anya left for London a week after Buffy’s funeral. They were very relieved, I think, they had big fights because of Anya’s pregnancy and the chances of raising a child on the hellmouth. They gifted us with the Magic Shop, it’s good work, Spike and I enjoy it. The training room is
now my work room, I work with wood, build everything the
customer requests. Spike is totally in charge
of the books and there is no danger
of him getting ‘too
involved’ with magic. And he opened the shop
to… hm… slightly different
customers. Willow is still in
custody, a white wiccan
something down under. Tara and Dawn moved
there, they are a ... big
support for each other. Tara is allowed to visit her every four weeks for a
half day, she always phones me
then, tired, sad and
frustrated and tells me the news, well, actually she
tells me the same every time: Willow has still not got
back her grip on reality, she doesn’t acknowledge
Tara’s presence,
only the magic in her
and talks to it, tries to lure it out of
her. The visits always end
after only one or two hours, when Tara
is too exhausted to hold her barriers up. Dawn will not be
allowed to visit Willow ever, the energy contained
inside her is without protection. The wiccan tried to put
a protection or a binding spell on her but the key’s energy
removes them immediately. Looks like it has
learned after the ‘tabula rasa’ incident. Spike and I are mated
since 37 days. And Wesley hates me even
more than before. He nearly died of
watcher-y curiosity and jealousy. It’s not my fault that the vampire lore limits
the mating ritual - a big orgy fuck
actually – to the members of the
vampiric family and the human to be
mated. Angel refuses to mate in
general. Sad really. I nearly feel for Wesley. But at least he has that huge dick every day. I am so completely happy. Spike is the fulfillment - in any sense – I hoped for in all my life. Since we’re mated, our relationship is even more intense. To feel him embedded so deep inside me - body, soul and heart – leaves me at peace and smiling like an idiot. But that’s just what having Spike does to you… The End If you like your stories to finish with happy endings Stop reading now! Continue ony if you enjoy angst Seriously Part Eight Dear Spike, I am sorry to waste all the
blood. I know you are angry. BUT: Now, after more than 7
years with you I don’t want to wait
anymore. The mating slowed down my ageing process Only a year or two and I will look like your older brother, So I decided it was time. In all the years our mating anniversary was something cherished So this is the right way. You don’t live with William the Bloody for so long We discussed this so often and you were always against me helping us to reach our goal: forever. It’s your choice, turn me or let me die. Don’t you dare to “save”
me. You know I want this, want you, with my heart, my soul, my body, forever. If you don’t turn me, it’s okay, but let me die. I couldn’t live with the
knowledge that you denied me forever, couldn’t live with the lie we lived for more than the
last seven years. If I die tonight, there is just one thing I
regret: You knew, and, after the mating, even
felt, how much I love you. But I never said it out
loud. I wish I could tell you
now. I love you Spike, forever, either way it will end. Yours. Part Nine Whelp, You, you… stupid idiot…you… why did you do it? damn you! ... to take this from us! I was late, too bloody late. … You are so cold. … I did get the chip out, I can turn you now, see? … no, can’t see anymore… can’t look at me anymore … you fucker. It just took an hour longer than I planned. Why… bloody fucking hell, why couldn’t you wait! … just an hour and we could have done it my way. … 7 fucking years, 4 month and 17 days since you kissed me… that is just too damn short, a blink of an eye for us, for forever… you damn… whelp, you knew! you knew I love you ... I would never let you go and now… now you lie there… your all cold! … you never were this cold. you’re my nummy, my warmth, you're mine! … you are not allowed to go. Mine, do you hear me, MINE! You can’t hear me anymore, can you? … Nummy… what
now? … What shall I do? without you. Here. Alone in our home. Our. You are part
of this, this is yours and mine and … what… am I without you… am I without you? Where did you go? … did you go where you belong white knight? … heaven … can you come back… no… witch is all nuts… so where do I go without you?... wanna go with you… don’t wanna be without you… want you to open your eyes… brown and deep… like coffee and whiskey… so good to look in your eyes… and now… nothing anymore… all gone… wanna go with you… meet you again… where do you go, pet? luv? nummy?... Suicide closes the doors to heaven pet… didn’t you know?... where… are you lost somewhere in between?... lost?... are you scared?... oh god, luv, don’t be… protect you… I swore to keep you safe… couldn’t, couldn’t… always want to keep you safe… never lost again. Promised… promised you!… do I go there too?... not all bad anymore, am I?... we’ll see… nummy… won’t we?... you’ll be there, won’t you? …meet me there?… wait for me pet? luv, wait for me there?... I’ll be there… soon see you again… won’t I? see you again?... wait nummy… I’m gonna find you… find you there and take care of you… keep you safe… forever - we still have forever if we find each other there, won’t we? still have forever, luv?... gonna see you there... wait, just a moment… no longer lost then… my nummy, mine …somewhere in between… yours forever… Spike The End
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