Real Name: Doreen Green
Occupation: Want to be sidekick and constant
Powers: She can do what squirrels do... yep. I don't
make this up, folks.
Weight: 100 lbs
Squirrel Girl has had only one run in with our gracious
Master as of yet, in the Winter 1991 Marvel Super-Heroes (officially Vol. 2, No.
8) in an Iron Man inventory story plotted and drawn by the blasphemous Steve
Ditko with a script by the evil Will Murray. In this adventure, dubbed with the
title of "The Coming of Squirrel Girl!", she ambushes Iron Man in an attempt to
convince him to take her on as his partner. He isn't convinced, even after
seeing Squirrel Girl's amazing powers (jumping, climbing, prehensile tail,
ability to talk to squirrels... I think I'm going to throw up). I myself am not
During their first meeting, Doom promptly k.o.'ed Iron Man and kidnapped the
pair, planning to crush them both to death with giant, blunt spikes before
dumping the bodies in the ocean (which has to be the coolest death ever). Doom
chained up Iron Man and due to Squirrel Girl's age, he went easy on her (well,
it doesn't say that in the story, but that had to be the case; she was 14 for
In spite of Doom's kindness, the little harlot called
out to her sidekick, Monkey Joe (See the picture to your left if you don't
believe me. Not that I would blame you; normal people tend not to believe the
ridiculous), who led a charge of squirrels onto Doom's craft, which was flying
low through the forest to avoid radar. The little SOB's proceeded to chew
through the wiring in Doom's armor forcing the Master to escape into the river,
swearing revenge for these indignities. Iron Man informs the heroine that she
did very good and wishes her Good Luck. The heroes part on friendly terms, as
Squirrel Girl utters the immortal line "I don't need luck. I eat nuts" (which
she certainly does). You may laugh, but it is no laughing mater. I do know one
thing and that is that squirrels are vile little beasts. Squirrels are known to
carry rabies, attack humans, and even kill other animals. Squirrels have also
been known to partake in many other crimes. An FBI document has been leaked that
proves that squirrels are not to be messed with (see document
here). For more information on these horrible
beasts, visit the
Appointed Title: Mr. Fantastic (he's such a pompous @$$)
Occupation: Scientist, adventurer, distant father
Identity: Publicly known
Legal Status: Citizen of the United States with no criminal record
(except for the time he was considered a traitor to his country (FF 507-509))
Other Aliases: None
Place of Birth: Central City, California
Marital Status: Married, but I'm pretty sure it's a cover-up... if you
know what I'm saying.
Known Relatives: Nathaniai (father), Evelyn (mother, deceased), Susan
Storm (wife), Franklin (son), Johnny Storm (brother-in law), Cassandra
(stepmother, deceased), Immortus (father's descendant, see Immortus, Kang,
Group Affiliation: Fantastic Four
Base of Operations: New York City
Height: 6 ft. 1 in. (when not stretched)
Weight: 180 lbs.
Reed Richards is the ultimate super-villain in the Marvel universe. Doom's
efforts to take over the world are in good judgment, but Reed insists on foiling
Doom's every attempt. Doom's reign would end world hunger, cease violent
conflicts, and ensure peace for all the inhabitants of the world (with
exceptions). Reed Richards does not understand the need for a leader such as
Doom. I believe it to be Reed's envy (of Doom's genius) that makes Reed want to
stop Doom. Doom's reign would not be a dictatorship; It would be an enforced
monarchy. All people would be happy, for it would be the law.
The Master first met Reed Richards at college (Empire
State University). Reed was your typical dork. Reed wanted to room with Doom,
but the Master knew that Reed was only trying to steal his brilliant ideas and
that Reed's dorkiness would ruin Doom's game with the hot college co-eds. Reed
became jealous of Doom and sabotaged his Hell Contactin' Machine©1962.
The machine blew up scarring the Master's perfect GQ face. Not only was Doom
hurt, but Reed sabotaged his chance at saving his mother's soul from Mephisto.
What kind of lowlife would do something like that? An evil one indeed.
Reed and Doom have faced off on many occasions, yet
Reed still walks free. When seen on the street, Reed Richards should be
considered very long armed and dangerous.
Real Name: Benjamin Jacob Grimm
Occupation: Professional adventurer; former test pilot, wrestler, mook
Identity: Publicly known
Legal Status: Citizen of the United States with no criminal record
Other Aliases: None
Place of Birth: New York City
Marital Status: Single
Known Realatives: Daniel (father, deceased), Elsie (mother, deceased),
Daniel Jr. (brother, deceased), Jacob ("Jake," uncle), Alyce (aunt, deceased),
Pentunia ("Penny," aunt, Jacob's second wife)
Group Affiliation: Fantastic Four, formerly Unlimited Class Wrestling
Base of Operations: Pier Four, New York City
Height: 6 ft.
Weight: 500 lbs.
Hair: (in human form) Brown, (as the Thing) None... well, at least none
Thing...... oh, the Thing. What can I say that has not already been said? He is
the brawn to Reed's brain. He is the comic relief in a sometimes very unfunny
family. Out of the entire Fantastic Four, he alone should understand the
Master's grief. Look at him. Reed did this to him just as Reed scarred the
Master's face. This alone leads one to believe that the Master would spare his
life, but one should not think so quickly.
The Thing is responsible for what has come
to be known, amongst Fantastic Four fans, as the worst defeat given to the
Master. Let's get one thing straight, the Master does not get defeated. He only
becomes temporarily set back.
In Fantastic Four #40, Doom gets a
little surprise from the Thing. Doom is just sitting there, minding his own
business, when the Thing just up and CRUSHES... DOOM'S... HANDS! Jesus!!! This
just goes to show that the Thing has no morals. Doom did not concussion blast
him in the face or kick him in the nuts or anything. The Thing had no grounds
for crushing Doom's hands. Well, Doom did take over the Baxter Building while
the Fantastic Fours were powerless... and basically almost kills Daredevil, but
CRUSH DOOM'S HANDS?!?
Is the Thing some kind of mobster? Who crushes someone's hands?
Well, Doom got his revenge, somewhat, in
Fantastic Four #60. Doom usually does not resort to physical violence, but
Doom was really, really pissed (you would be too, if you just lost the Power
Cosmic and it was all because of the big orange guy who crushed your hands and
his bathtub riding buddies). They slug it out for a while until Doom is getting
ready to deliver the final blow and Doom decides to let him live. Doom goes and
chases after a spaceship. Doom showed compassion where the Thing did not. WWDD?
Given his many actions in the past, the
Thing is on the Latveria's Most Wanted list. He is a repeat offender. He will
eventually be apprehended, and when that happens, the Master will give him that
kick in the nuts he so rightly deserves.
Real Name: Zorba (last name unknown, possibly Haasen; see comments)
Identity/Class: Human cyborg; Latverian citizen, C-list Marvel
Group Membership: Formerly Latverian Underground/Freedom Fighters (Koro,
formerly the Royal Family of Latveria
Affiliations: Agent-Z, Starn (advisor), formerly the Fantastic Four (Human
Torch, Invisible Girl, Mr. Fantastic, Thing); utilized The Master's Killer
Robots for deeds we need not mention here
Known Relatives: Rudolfo (older brother); Dimitri Fortunov (possible
Aliases: King Zorba, Prince Zorba, One-eyed monster
Base of Operations: Formerly Castle Doom, Latveria;
formerly the catacombs beneath Castle Doom and an underground grotto in
Powers/Abilities: Zorba wore a cybernetic eye to replace his lost organic
right one. He could fire a "nega-beam blast" (which Doom invented) from this
eye. He had some experience with combat and paramilitary strategy.
Our cycolptic friend was supposedly a prince of Latveria
when the Master regained control of the country. I know this to be untrue
considering Doom has been the only true monarch of Latveria, so Zorba's title is
worthless. Either way, his story goes like this:
Reed Richards (yes, Richards. Read on for another
reason Richards is on the list) sought to assault Doom's Latverian castle, but
his ship was shot down and he crashed into a small body of water (take that,
stretch). Reed was recovered by Zorba's men (now numbering only 50) and Zorba
revealed Doom's plot and convinced Reed to join him in an effort to depose Doom.
Reed's powers helped Zorba and a small group of Freedom Fighters to approach the
Castle seemingly undetected, gain entrance to its interior, and take out several
guards. The others were then dropped with a gas attack, but Reed managed to pull
Zorba to safety. They then ran into Hauptmann II--brother to the one who had
experimented on Zorba--and they were able to coerce his cooperation (don't
worry; he gets his). Reed then disguised himself as Hauptmann and approached
Doom, who saw through his disguise, knocked him out, and captured him (Eat it,
Zorba gathered a group of Latverian citizens and demanded an audience
with Doom. Zorba intended to reveal Doom's plot to replace himself with a clone
to continue his rule of Latveria (pure speculation of course). Doom fired an
energy blast at Zorba, but when the traitor led the Underground to aim their
weapons at the castle, Doom appeased the crowd by assuring them that he would
give up power at the upcoming coronation.
Later, at the ceremony, Zorba secretly made his way into the
castle, where he managed to free the captured Fantastic Four. Alongside the
Four, Zorba rushed into the ceremony and revealed Doom's successor as a clone
(Which there is nothing wrong with. Princes are just clones of their father
technically. What's the difference?). Doom unleashed his Omni-Bots against his
foes, but Doom's clone then turned against his progenitor, attacking him. Doom
slew his own clone (ungrateful little jerk).
Amidst a crowd of gathered citizens, Zorba denounced Doom's plot as a
ruse to maintain leadership, and he demanded that Doom surrender the throne.
Doom responded with his vortex machine, which scattered his accusers. Zorba
escaped and rejoined the Fantastic Four, assisting them in their search for the
details of Doom's master plan. Ultimately, the FF set-back the Master, driving
him temporarily insane. As a result, Zorba was crowned King of Latveria...until
the intended elections in the next month.
::UPDATE:: Zorba is Dead!!
Zorba revoked Doom's laws, but also his threats of punishments, and
Latveria was reintroduced to crime, as well as poverty and hunger. Prices rose
without reason and stocks were depleted without replacement (this proves my
point that Doom's way is the best way). The people were furious with Zorba who
obviously could not rule as well as their previous Master.
Doom eventually built up enough force to make a return to Latveria. Doom
marched upon Latveria and regained his rightful title as Monarch (the Fantastic
Four tagged along and killed a few Doombots, but ultimately it was all Doom).
Zorba went ape-crap and turned the now reprogrammed Doombots on the Latverian
citizens (what a psycho).
As the Fantastic Four overcame the robots, Doom confronted Zorba, easily
countering his nega-beam blast, stunning the cycloptic psycho. Doom then grabbed
Zorba by the neck, hung him over a balcony, and accused him of treason. Zorba
responded that he was the only true heir to the monarchy of Latveria and that as
long as he lived, Doom had no claim to the throne. Doom's response? "Precisely."
Doom then returned to the Fantastic Four, revealed the conflict to be
over and directed the Four to leave his country immediately. Till this day, when
asked to comment on Zorba's death, the Master replies, "He fell."
Dr. Hauptmann II
Real Name: Dr. Hauptmann (first name unrevealed, but I'm guessing it's
Identity/Class: Human (World War II and modern era), technology user,
Internet porn addict
Group Membership: Cynthian Associates
Affiliations: Formerly Boris, Dr. Doom, Mr. Fantastic, and Zorba
Known Relatives: Hauptman I (brother, deceased)
Base of Operations: Castle Doom, Doomstadt, Latveria
Powers/Abilities: Hauptmann was a genius, highly skilled at designing and
working with the advanced technology of Dr. Doom.
Hauptmann always hated Doom for killing his brother (typical), but his
fear was stronger than his hate. Rather than confront Doom about this and talk
it out, Hauptmann stabbed the Master in the back, trapping him in the past with
Iron-Man. Needless to say, Doom returned to the present and kicked Hauptman
right in the nuts as a warning for his insolence.
Hauptmann II is Dead!!
Did Hauptmann learn from his kick in the nuts? No!!
Doom assigned Hauptmann to the task of attempting to duplicate the means by
which Doom had gained the powers of the Silver Surfer (Doom gave him a second
chance. He blew it). Hauptmann notified Doom that he had completed the process
and welcomed him to try it out. Doom instead grabbed Hauptmann and told him that
he deserved the honor himself. Doom locked Hauptmann inside the chamber and
activated it, ignoring Hauptmann's screams. Raw energy poured forth into
Hauptmann, far beyond the human body's capacity to absorb. Hauptmann screamed
with every last atom of breath in his tortured lungs, until there was nothing
left to scream with. As Doom plucked Hauptmann's glasses from a pile of ashes,
he commented that he had suspected the power might be too unstable for a human
body, and that Hauptmann's eagerness had confirmed this. Doom knew that had
Hauptmann truly succeeded, he would have already used the machine on himself.
Till this day, when asked to comment on Hauptmann's death,
the Master replies, "He fell."
The Electric Company
||Real Names: Julie, Dwayne, Iris, Jesse, Zack, Kathy,
Kelly, Buddy, Charlie, Samatha, Gail, Allison, Who gives a flying crap, Are
you still reading?
Identity/Class: Hippies, Jive Turkeys
Occupation: Electricians / Muscicians
Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang
Known Relatives: Everyone in NYC is somehow connected to
one member of The Electric Company
Aliases: 70's crap
Base of Operations: New York
Powers/Abilities: Singing, making books enjoyable, talking jive, breaking
down the barriers of race.
Hey You Guys!!!!!!! Doom has had many attempts at world domination. Many of
them foiled by the insolent Electric Company. Bill Cosby's gang of misfits
always manage to foil Doom and make reading fun at the same time. Although
Doom's English has an accent attached to it, there is no need to constantly
throw phonics at him. Doom knows all... including phonics. Read May 2006's
Supreme Act of the Month for more of Doom's run ins with the Electric
Supreme Act of the Month: May
They will be punished. P...u...n...i...s...h...e...d : Punished. Hey
Electric Company, this write up was brought to you by the letters F and U.
More to come soon!!