1. Squirrel Girl

Real Name: Doreen Green

Occupation: Want to be sidekick and constant annoyance

Powers: She can do what squirrels do... yep. I don't make this up, folks.

Height: 5'3

Weight: 100 lbs

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Brown

Tail: Bushy

 

 

    Squirrel Girl has had only one run in with our gracious Master as of yet, in the Winter 1991 Marvel Super-Heroes (officially Vol. 2, No. 8) in an Iron Man inventory story plotted and drawn by the blasphemous Steve Ditko with a script by the evil Will Murray. In this adventure, dubbed with the title of "The Coming of Squirrel Girl!", she ambushes Iron Man in an attempt to convince him to take her on as his partner. He isn't convinced, even after seeing Squirrel Girl's amazing powers (jumping, climbing, prehensile tail, ability to talk to squirrels... I think I'm going to throw up). I myself am not convinced either.

   During their first meeting, Doom promptly k.o.'ed Iron Man and kidnapped the pair, planning to crush them both to death with giant, blunt spikes before dumping the bodies in the ocean (which has to be the coolest death ever).  Doom chained up Iron Man and due to Squirrel Girl's age, he went easy on her (well, it doesn't say that in the story, but that had to be the case; she was 14 for God's sake).

   In spite of Doom's kindness, the little harlot called out to her sidekick, Monkey Joe (See the picture to your left if you don't believe me. Not that I would blame you; normal people tend not to believe the ridiculous), who led a charge of squirrels onto Doom's craft, which was flying low through the forest to avoid radar. The little SOB's proceeded to chew through the wiring in Doom's armor forcing the Master to escape into the river, swearing revenge for these indignities. Iron Man informs the heroine that she did very good and wishes her Good Luck. The heroes part on friendly terms, as Squirrel Girl utters the immortal line "I don't need luck. I eat nuts" (which she certainly does).  You may laugh, but it is no laughing mater. I do know one thing and that is that squirrels are vile little beasts. Squirrels are known to carry rabies, attack humans, and even kill other animals. Squirrels have also been known to partake in many other crimes. An FBI document has been leaked that proves that squirrels are not to be messed with (see document here). For more information on these horrible beasts, visit the Squirrel Defamation League.

 

2. Reed Richards

Self Appointed Title: Mr. Fantastic (he's such a pompous @$$)
Occupation: Scientist, adventurer, distant father
Identity: Publicly known
Legal Status: Citizen of the United States with no criminal record (except for the time he was considered a traitor to his country (FF 507-509))
Other Aliases: None
Place of Birth
: Central City, California
Marital Status: Married, but I'm pretty sure it's a cover-up... if you know what I'm saying.
Known Relatives: Nathaniai (father), Evelyn (mother, deceased), Susan Storm (wife), Franklin (son), Johnny Storm (brother-in law), Cassandra (stepmother, deceased), Immortus (father's descendant, see Immortus, Kang, Rama-Tut).
Group Affiliation: Fantastic Four
Base of Operations: New York City

Height
: 6 ft. 1 in. (when not stretched)
Weight: 180 lbs.
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Brown


Reed Richards is the ultimate super-villain in the Marvel universe. Doom's efforts to take over the world are in good judgment, but Reed insists on foiling Doom's every attempt. Doom's reign would end world hunger, cease violent conflicts, and ensure peace for all the inhabitants of the world (with exceptions). Reed Richards does not understand the need for a leader such as Doom. I believe it to be Reed's envy (of Doom's genius) that makes Reed want to stop Doom. Doom's reign would not be a dictatorship; It would be an enforced monarchy. All people would be happy, for it would be the law.

  The Master first met Reed Richards at college (Empire State University). Reed was your typical dork. Reed wanted to room with Doom, but the Master knew that Reed was only trying to steal his brilliant ideas and that Reed's dorkiness would ruin Doom's game with the hot college co-eds. Reed became jealous of Doom and sabotaged his Hell Contactin' Machine1962. The machine blew up scarring the Master's perfect GQ face. Not only was Doom hurt, but Reed sabotaged his chance at saving his mother's soul from Mephisto. What kind of lowlife would do something like that?  An evil one indeed.

    Reed and Doom have faced off on many occasions, yet Reed still walks free. When seen on the street, Reed Richards should be considered very long armed and dangerous.

 

   
3. Ben Grimm

Real Name: Benjamin Jacob Grimm
Occupation: Professional adventurer; former test pilot, wrestler, mook
Identity: Publicly known
Legal Status: Citizen of the United States with no criminal record
Other Aliases: None
Place of Birth: New York City
Marital Status: Single
Known Realatives: Daniel (father, deceased), Elsie (mother, deceased), Daniel Jr. (brother, deceased), Jacob ("Jake," uncle), Alyce (aunt, deceased), Pentunia ("Penny," aunt, Jacob's second wife)
Group Affiliation: Fantastic Four, formerly Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation
Base of Operations: Pier Four, New York City

Height: 6 ft.
Weight: 500 lbs.
Eyes: Blue
Hair: (in human form) Brown, (as the Thing) None... well, at least none in sight.

 

The Thing...... oh, the Thing. What can I say that has not already been said? He is the brawn to Reed's brain. He is the comic relief in a sometimes very unfunny family. Out of the entire Fantastic Four, he alone should understand the Master's grief. Look at him. Reed did this to him just as Reed scarred the Master's face. This alone leads one to believe that the Master would spare his life, but one should not think so quickly.

    The Thing is responsible for what has come to be known, amongst Fantastic Four fans, as the worst defeat given to the Master. Let's get one thing straight, the Master does not get defeated. He only becomes temporarily set back.

    In Fantastic Four #40, Doom gets a little surprise from the Thing. Doom is just sitting there, minding his own business, when the Thing just up and CRUSHES... DOOM'S... HANDS! Jesus!!! This just goes to show that the Thing has no morals. Doom did not concussion blast him in the face or kick him in the nuts or anything. The Thing had no grounds for crushing Doom's hands. Well, Doom did take over the Baxter Building while the Fantastic Fours were powerless... and basically almost kills Daredevil, but CRUSH DOOM'S HANDS?!?

Honestly!! Is the Thing some kind of mobster? Who crushes someone's hands?

  Well, Doom got his revenge, somewhat, in Fantastic Four #60. Doom usually does not resort to physical violence, but Doom was really, really pissed (you would be too, if you just lost the Power Cosmic and it was all because of the big orange guy who crushed your hands and his bathtub riding buddies). They slug it out for a while until Doom is getting ready to deliver the final blow and Doom decides to let him live. Doom goes and chases after a spaceship. Doom showed compassion where the Thing did not. WWDD?

   Given his many actions in the past, the Thing is on the Latveria's Most Wanted list. He is a repeat offender. He will eventually be apprehended, and when that happens, the Master will give him that kick in the nuts he so rightly deserves.

 

4. Zorba

Real Name: Zorba (last name unknown, possibly Haasen; see comments)
Identity/Class
: Human cyborg; Latverian citizen, C-list Marvel character
Occupation
: Traitor
Group Membership
: Formerly Latverian Underground/Freedom Fighters (Koro, Kronar);
    formerly the Royal Family of Latveria
Affiliations
: Agent-Z, Starn (advisor), formerly the Fantastic Four (Human Torch, Invisible Girl, Mr. Fantastic, Thing); utilized The Master's Killer Robots for deeds we need not mention here
Known Relatives
: Rudolfo (older brother); Dimitri Fortunov (possible grand-nephew)
Aliases
: King Zorba, Prince Zorba, One-eyed monster
Base of Operations
: Formerly Castle Doom, Latveria;
    formerly the catacombs beneath Castle Doom and an underground grotto in Latveria
Powers/Abilities: Zorba wore a cybernetic eye to replace his lost organic right one. He could fire a "nega-beam blast" (which Doom invented) from this eye. He had some experience with combat and paramilitary strategy.

 

 

Our cycolptic friend was supposedly a prince of Latveria when the Master regained control of the country. I know this to be untrue considering Doom has been the only true monarch of Latveria, so Zorba's title is worthless. Either way, his story goes like this:

      Reed Richards (yes, Richards. Read on for another reason Richards is on the list) sought to assault Doom's Latverian castle, but his ship was shot down and he crashed into a small body of water (take that, stretch). Reed was recovered by Zorba's men (now numbering only 50) and Zorba revealed Doom's plot and convinced Reed to join him in an effort to depose Doom. Reed's powers helped Zorba and a small group of Freedom Fighters to approach the Castle seemingly undetected, gain entrance to its interior, and take out several guards. The others were then dropped with a gas attack, but Reed managed to pull Zorba to safety. They then ran into Hauptmann II--brother to the one who had experimented on Zorba--and they were able to coerce his cooperation (don't worry; he gets his). Reed then disguised himself as Hauptmann and approached Doom, who saw through his disguise, knocked him out, and captured him (Eat it, Richards).

    Zorba gathered a group of Latverian citizens and demanded an audience with Doom. Zorba intended to reveal Doom's plot to replace himself with a clone to continue his rule of Latveria (pure speculation of course). Doom fired an energy blast at Zorba, but when the traitor led the Underground to aim their weapons at the castle, Doom appeased the crowd by assuring them that he would give up power at the upcoming coronation.

    Later, at the ceremony, Zorba secretly made his way into the castle, where he managed to free the captured Fantastic Four. Alongside the Four, Zorba rushed into the ceremony and revealed Doom's successor as a clone (Which there is nothing wrong with. Princes are just clones of their father technically. What's the difference?). Doom unleashed his Omni-Bots against his foes, but Doom's clone then turned against his progenitor, attacking him. Doom slew his own clone (ungrateful little jerk).

    Amidst a crowd of gathered citizens, Zorba denounced Doom's plot as a ruse to maintain leadership, and he demanded that Doom surrender the throne. Doom responded with his vortex machine, which scattered his accusers. Zorba escaped and rejoined the Fantastic Four, assisting them in their search for the details of Doom's master plan. Ultimately, the FF set-back the Master, driving him temporarily insane. As a result, Zorba was crowned King of Latveria...until the intended elections in the next month.

::UPDATE:: Zorba is Dead!!
   
Zorba revoked Doom's laws, but also his threats of punishments, and Latveria was reintroduced to crime, as well as poverty and hunger. Prices rose without reason and stocks were depleted without replacement (this proves my point that Doom's way is the best way). The people were furious with Zorba who obviously could not rule as well as their previous Master.

    Doom eventually built up enough force to make a return to Latveria. Doom marched upon Latveria and regained his rightful title as Monarch (the Fantastic Four tagged along and killed a few Doombots, but ultimately it was all Doom). Zorba went ape-crap and turned the now reprogrammed Doombots on the Latverian citizens (what a psycho).

    As the Fantastic Four overcame the robots, Doom confronted Zorba, easily countering his nega-beam blast, stunning the cycloptic psycho. Doom then grabbed Zorba by the neck, hung him over a balcony, and accused him of treason. Zorba responded that he was the only true heir to the monarchy of Latveria and that as long as he lived, Doom had no claim to the throne. Doom's response? "Precisely."

    Doom then returned to the Fantastic Four, revealed the conflict to be over and directed the Four to leave his country immediately. Till this day, when asked to comment on Zorba's death, the Master replies, "He fell."
 

 

5. Dr. Hauptmann II

Real Name: Dr. Hauptmann (first name unrevealed, but I'm guessing it's Terd)
Identity/Class
: Human (World War II and modern era), technology user, Internet porn addict
Occupation
: Scientist
Group Membership
: Cynthian Associates
Affiliations
: Formerly Boris, Dr. Doom, Mr. Fantastic, and Zorba
Known Relatives: Hauptman I (brother, deceased)
Aliases
: None
Base of Operations
: Castle Doom, Doomstadt, Latveria
Powers/Abilities
: Hauptmann was a genius, highly skilled at designing and working with the advanced technology of Dr. Doom.

 

 

 

    Hauptmann always hated Doom for killing his brother (typical), but his fear was stronger than his hate. Rather than confront Doom about this and talk it out, Hauptmann stabbed the Master in the back, trapping him in the past with Iron-Man. Needless to say, Doom returned to the present and kicked Hauptman right in the nuts as a warning for his insolence.

 

::UPDATE:: Hauptmann II is Dead!!

    Did Hauptmann learn from his kick in the nuts? No!! Doom assigned Hauptmann to the task of attempting to duplicate the means by which Doom had gained the powers of the Silver Surfer (Doom gave him a second chance. He blew it). Hauptmann notified Doom that he had completed the process and welcomed him to try it out. Doom instead grabbed Hauptmann and told him that he deserved the honor himself. Doom locked Hauptmann inside the chamber and activated it, ignoring Hauptmann's screams. Raw energy poured forth into Hauptmann, far beyond the human body's capacity to absorb. Hauptmann screamed with every last atom of breath in his tortured lungs, until there was nothing left to scream with. As Doom plucked Hauptmann's glasses from a pile of ashes, he commented that he had suspected the power might be too unstable for a human body, and that Hauptmann's eagerness had confirmed this. Doom knew that had Hauptmann truly succeeded, he would have already used the machine on himself.

Till this day, when asked to comment on Hauptmann's death, the Master replies, "He fell."

 

6. The Electric Company

Real Names: Julie, Dwayne, Iris, Jesse, Zack, Kathy, Kelly, Buddy, Charlie, Samatha, Gail, Allison, Who gives a flying crap, Are you still reading?

Identity/Class: Hippies, Jive Turkeys

Occupation
: Electricians / Muscicians

Affiliations:
Spider-Man, Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang

Known Relatives: Everyone in NYC is somehow connected to one member of The Electric Company

Aliases
: 70's crap

Base of Operations
: New York
Powers/Abilities
: Singing, making books enjoyable, talking jive, breaking down the barriers of race.

Hey You Guys!!!!!!! Doom has had many attempts at world domination. Many of them foiled by the insolent Electric Company. Bill Cosby's gang of misfits always manage to foil Doom and make reading fun at the same time. Although Doom's English has an accent attached to it, there is no need to constantly throw phonics at him. Doom knows all... including phonics. Read May 2006's Supreme Act of the Month for more of Doom's run ins with the Electric Company.
Supreme Act of the Month: May
They will be punished. P...u...n...i...s...h...e...d  : Punished. Hey Electric Company, this write up was brought to you by the letters F and U.


 

More to come soon!!

 

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