Hey, I'm so sorry for worrying you. I don't want you to be upset. It's been crazy around here, but I'm fine. I'll try and explain what's been going on and still make sense.

Tuesday Brad, Jerald, John and I went to a lake house just outside Hot Springs, Arkansas. We were going to stay there until Thursday, and then camp for the rest of the time and come home Saturday.

Wednesday night my mom called and told me that my father (my real father whom I haven't seen in years) showed up and told her that my grandmother had died, and that I should know. (I didn't really even know her so its not a very big deal to me) My mom told him that I was out of town and so he wouldn't be able to see me and he left. He came back later though drunk/high or both and there was some kind of big argument. She told him that they were in the process of moving and that I didn't live there anymore and that she wasn't going to tell him where I lived now, so he left. Anyways my mom was upset but told me to just not worry about it and keep to the original plan to come home Saturday.

Sometime early Thursday morning someone hit the neighbor's brick mailbox. Nobody saw who it was though. My mom and step father had stayed at their new house that night and my sister and nieces stayed at their old house. And the house whose mailbox was hit doesn't have anyone living there right now. So bricks were scattered all through our yard and one actually hit my bedroom window. It didn't come through the window but cracked the glass. My computer sits right in front of that window and so to see the extent of the damage they moved my computer and desk, and in doing this they found my journal, a razor blade, and some pain killers.

So I get a call around noon and my mom won't tell me what's going on just to come home now. Jerald drives me 3 1/2 hours back, and I'm trying not to freak out because I have no idea what to expect. So we get here, and J goes home, and I basically get ambushed. They're like 'you need help and you've got a problem' and they want me to go to the hospital and get a drug test, and just a whole bunch of crap. I really do freak out at this point and leave. I walk to Jerald's house, which I guess everyone figured I would do because by the time I get there my mom has already called them. And his parents are trying to be nice and say I can spend the night, but its really just very awkward. So J and I drive around for a few hours, and come back when his parents have gone to bed. I stay the night there and J drops me back off at home in the morning as he heads back to Arkansas!

My mom stayed home form work so she could be there when I came back, and we have an extremely long talk in which I wouldn't mind killing myself at several points during, but at least we didn't really fight. I convinced her that I was not taking drugs, and she agreed to drop the whole going to a hospital thing, if I'll keep going to counseling - which I've been skipping for the past month, and was wanting to quit! So just when it seems that everything might be worked out, my father comes back! We had thought he was the one who hit the mailbox, and figured we wouldn't see him again, but apparently it wasn't him after all. So my mom tells me to stay inside and don't let him see that I'm there, and I hear everything they say, and they argue, and he basically blames me for their divorce...which is pretty fucked up, because I was 13 ant the time!

Anyways, he leaves and we decide I'll spend the night at my relatives house that night, which aren't really my relatives because they're related to my step father not me, and they don't really like me