The other day someone asked me in an IM if I was single. I said yes. Then they asked me if I liked anyone. I was hesitant to answer because I haven't known this person for very long, and so I didn't know how they would react if I told the truth. What I said was, "I kinda do, but it's a secret." I got around lying...well technically. What I wish I could have said was, "there's this guy I like and flirt with a lot." The person I was IMing with was a girl and she had previously asked me if I liked her in any way. "Yes, as friends" was my response to that. And even before all of this she told me that she thought she might be ugly. It's obvious that she is looking for acceptance. Everybody does this, everybody wants to be liked and feel needed. The reason I feel bothered now is that my secret(s) got in the way in this situation and countless others before it. I think she might have felt rejected by what I said. I worry about peoples emotions/feelings (maybe more then I should). I wish I could have come away from that conversation feeling as though I contributed to her self-esteem rather then the opposite.
And yet, although it seems to me that I am often overly concerned about other people, somehow I still get portrayed as a 'jerk'. Am I just completely oblivious? Is it the bipolar disorder, my sense of humor, or just the way I grew up? Maybe this time last year it would have been easy to blame it on the bipolar disorder. Since then though I've been on regular medication, going to therapy, and I believe comparatively I'm doing much better. I guess it could be my sense of humor, but even that doesn't seem accurate. I mean if I'm able to refrain from cursing around certain people because I know they don't like it, then why can't I adapt in this same way with my sense of humor. There are just certain things I would say to some friends and never say to others! I feel as though I'm able to do this, but maybe I'm just not a very good judge. And the only other thing I can think of, is that it's just the way I grew up...it's just a culmination of the influences of my past that inadvertently causes me to act the way I do. I think that I am self aware, semi-intelligent, at the very least I believe I have some common sense! I hope that I'm not a jerk just because I've known so many of them...or because of negative experiences I've been through. That's no excuse. I don't mean to be a jerk...I don't want to be one.
What is it about my personality that slowly starts to make most of the people I know avoid me?! And I guess maybe that's really what this is about. I'm just like that girl. I worry that people won't accept ME, but the problem is they don't accept secretive jerks either.