Natty says I make up situations because she thinks I like to live in misery.
For most of the night we had been in a room full of ppl and the usual - her talking to EVERYONE. We were talking very little. Goon kept making references about Natty and Nick, saying stupid things like she would give her to him. Before all of this (a day or two ago), Natty told me that she talks to him on the phone and that she feels as though she wants to 'save' him. Also she fell asleep w/him once on the phone and he told her later that he listened to her breathe for half an hour before hanging up. Maybe I'm jealous or paranoid - I even told her that I had a feeling that something was up, but she said it was nothing.
Later in the night my sister was being nosey and I shut down all my windows, including isketch. After a few minutes I got back on but opted to stay in a public room just so it would look like I was playing the game. I whispered Natty and said I'll just talk to you from here and you don't have to leave the other room. She did leave though and joined me in my room which made me feel better. She told me that she would 'always chooses me'. We were talking more and things were going fine. Somehow the conversation turned to her wanting to know my last name. We have talked about this so many fucking times! I've told her that I don't feel comfortable telling her yet, but I would sometime. She did what she always does when she doesn't get her way...she ignored me - stopped replying to anything I say. After a few minutes of me saying 'natty?' and 'r u there?' she replies and I ask her if she is ignoring me...she says yes.
It was around this point that I see that she has created another sn and has been in both rooms talking. So fucking much for the 'I'll always choose you' crap! I had felt special that she would leave the other room just to be in a room w/me - I don't know, I just suddenly felt so hurt...about everything. I told her 'ok i love you goodnight' she asked why I was leaving, and I just flat out said that it was stupid for me to just sit here feeling more and more pathetic. She called me an asshole, and that was it...I had been willing to just leave it before, but when someone starts throwing insults, I feel the need to defend myself. So I brought up everything, about Nick, about her ignoring me and how it makes me feel so worthless sometimes. She denied anything was going on with Nick. She said that I just make things up that aren't really there. I told her that I CAN'T HELP HOW I FEEL. She said that I like to live in misery - I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't talk about things that she as NO fucking idea about. I didn't though. I don't really remember what else was said after that...her statement just really stunned me.
If I like living in misery so fucking much, then why do I do all the things that I do to try and escape the pain?! Why do I even take meds, or drink, or pills, or cut?!!! I just can not believe that she would say that. I don't know what to do...and how ironic that now I really do feel miserable.