| *Journal* I went to B's house after school. I was surprised that J was home. He was there so that his family could use his truck to get a Christmas tree. J and his parents left and B and I stayed behind. We played video games for awhile and then S and his girlfriend M and her cousin stopped by for a few minutes but left to go eat. J and his parents got back with a tree and left the three of us to decorate it while they went out Christmas shopping. We put the lights on the tree but didn't really get to the ornaments. S, M and the cousin (I don't remember her name) came back. B and S played Halo while the two girls watched and I got to talk to J semi-privately. We were in the living room with everyone else but they weren't really paying attention to us. J was drinking eggnog out of the carton and we passed it back and forth and joked about it being non-alcoholic. He pretended to be drunk; slurring his words and acting crazy. He can be very funny. He started to get very touchy feely and hugged me and whispered random odd things to me. He whispered, "lets go fuck like animals" right as I was taking a drink and I almost choked to death! Nobody heard him but they looked at me kinda funny. Then we all went up to B's room so that he could show S a video on his computer. I sat in this big bean bag chair and J decided to sit with me. If we were any closer I would have had to have been in his lap! He ran his thumb across my wrist and the inside of my arm whenever noone was looking. Then S grabbed a Nerf dart gun and shot at us but missed, then shot B right in the face and ran!!! B chased him out of the room and the two girls followed laughing and yelling. I would have gone too, but J was holding on to my wrist. Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Can I kiss you?" I kinda laughed and nodded because I thought he was joking, but then he put his hand behind my neck, pulled us closer, and kissed me! I was so shocked I didn't even do anything at first, but I felt his lips moving against mine and I opened my mouth and he slipped his tongue past my lips and it was just amazing... Just as I was beginning to feel comfortable and enjoy it, S ran back into the room and saw us. He made a big deal about it, whooping and saying, "you two need to get a room." B didn't actually see us kissing, but he knew what happened from S. He didn't say anything and just kind of ignored me until S and the girls left a little while later. After that he just kept making comments that I should probably be getting home even though it wasn't very late. I didn't get a chance to speak to J before B and I left except to say bye. On the way to my house B was quiet and distant. It was very awkward. I finally asked him if he was mad at me, and he just blew it off and said, "why would I be mad." So I asked him why he was acting the way he was and he just asked how did I want himt to act. We were at my house at this point and I was very frustrated because he wouldn't talk. We just sat there for a minute and finally he said he would call me later and basically get out. I said, "fine", got out, slammed the door and he sped away. It's been a very weird day. I have all these different emotions that I'm trying to sort through. I feel terrible and wonderful at the same time but mostly confused, embarassed, and guilty. I don't know if J was being serious or still playing around when he kissed me, and no matter what B said...I know that he is mad. I wish I knew what to do. |