I feel terrible for being jealous of B and his girlfriend. Am I a hypocrite? Do I wish he had tried harder to persue a relationship with me even despite his brother's interest? Maybe I just miss having him as a friend.
He actually talked to me today.
I miss J...I can't help but feel like he has the worst deal of all. Why is he waisting his time with me?
What the fuck is the big deal about someone feeling sick and throwing up?! ...and the next thing I know, I'm being called to the counselor. She asked me what was going on, I told her, and that was it. ...she knows a little about the medications I take and why I was feeling bad... I really am feeling bad, not sick.
Last night I got to speak with J for about thirty minutes and it made me feel a lot better. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. I feel the same.
J stopped by tonight just for a little while. The first thing he did after coming in was give me a big crushing hug. He made me show him where I had cut. It's healed now and just a few very thin red lines that will soon disappear. I wasn't going to tell him about it, but he asked straight out and I didn't want to lie. I feel like he might be disappointed and worse I don't want his pity. ...and I think I laughed more in the half hour he was here then I did all week.
I saw B's car there and I told him that I should probably wait in the car. He told me to come in because it was stupid for him not to be able to bring his friends into his own house. Inside it was a little awkward at first, but B and I talked and joked around ...for a few minutes it seemed like we slipped back into our old roles as friends. J asked if he wanted to come with us but he declined.
B and I are talking again after a month and a half. I really missed his friendship. ...and we haven't talked about anything that started all this. It's probably going to come up eventually, but I'm not looking forward to it. I just want it to stay like this for a little while.
I got into a fight with my step dad and he told my mom about it so then I got into another fight with her. My throat hurts from screaming... I cannot fucking believe he threatened to check me into a hospital. I hate my life right now.
I stayed at B's last night until after ten and again tonight until eight. I was suppose to come straight home today as punishment for yesterday so I guess I'm in even more trouble. B told me something that I think I should be upset about... J talks about me like I'm some kind of trophy. ...and that he only truely became interested in me when he found out that I had a sort of crush on B. He said that J liked the challenge of it, like it was some kind of contest. ...and that J goes out of his way to mention things, details about our 'relationship' to B just to get a reaction. I really don't know how to process all of this.
I had a therapy session today...I don't usually talk to her about very personal stuff. She mentioned the fighting with my step dad and then everything went to crap.
I asked J what was going on between us today. I think I caught him off guard. He immediately came to the conclusion that B had something to do with my questioning him. ...(I) told him that I wanted to stay friends, but maybe we should hold off on anything more. I felt kinda stupid because I think I believed there was more to our 'relationship' then he thought there was. ...I'm not upset though because later he and B were talking and acting closer then they have been since all this started...I would rather it be that way then be responsible for dividing us up. J told me in private that I was still very special to him and he reserves the right to show me (just at a later time).
I went to the first group therapy session. Behaviour Management. I think this is my punishment for calling my therapist a manipulative bitch (actuallly I didn't call her that, I just said she was acting like that)...it wasn't so bad.