I know you two email each other and he probably says all the things you could ever want to hear. I've known him all my life, I know how he is. I know how charming he can be when he likes someone, I've seen it a hundred times! And I'm sorry that I'm not as good with words as him because all I can think to say is that this is all bullshit! I can't believe you guys were fucking lying to me this whole time! How long has it been? What so I was just some big fucking joke to you? I thought you would have given me a chance before him. You could have told me. Fuck!!!!!! this is stupid. The both of you can just go to hell.
You're upset and that's fine, but you're jumping to all the wrong conclusions. I'm not hiding some big secret relationship with your brother from you. Yes we've emailed and chatted a few times, but that is all. I don't know how that warrants both of us 'going to hell'. You're my best friend. This stuff with J just happened tonight and I don't even know what it all means myself. It was one kiss out of nowhere. You're right! This IS stupid! You say I never gave you a chance??! There have been plenty of chances, you just didn't take any of them! And so fucking what if he is charming?! It's more then you ever were. I don't even know how you are going to act toward me half the time depending on who we're hanging out with. One minute you hug me and the next you won't come within ten feet! And it's because you're fucking scared of what people will say. You don't want to be labeled a fag! Am I right? You're looking for someone to blame. Look in the mirror.
Well I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you! You're right I don't want anyone calling me a fag. Is that so wrong?! It's not as easy for me as it seems to be for you. Maybe I am to blame, maybe I'm not. I don't fucking know. But what I do know is that I'd have to lose everything to be like you. I have friends that would hate me, and everyone at T.U. have no idea! It would screw up so much stuff, and I'm just not willing to do that. Say I'm a coward or weak or whatever the fuck you want, but it's my decision and that's how I want it. What was so wrong with the way things were? Aren't you exaggerating just a little? Maybe I acted a little different around you at different times, but you were always my best friend too. Sorry I told you to go to hell, but I'm just really upset about this. I don't really know what else to say.
I thought you of all people would know that life hasn't been easy for me, and I'm far from perfect. You think I like the way I'm treated sometimes? You call those people your friends? If they were real friends they would accept you no matter what, and you wouldn't be scared. When did you start caring so much what other people think?! There was nothing wrong with the way thing were at the time, but things change. I can't wait forever for you. You know what I mean. You need to figure out who you are, face the truth and deal with it. You know you can always talk to me about anything. I still want to be your friend! Please talk to J. even if it is just through email or something. He told me you won't even speak to him. I didn't want to cause all of these problems between you two. What do you want me to do to fix this?
I don't know, there's nothing that will fix this unless you can go back in time and keep it from happening. I wish I was someone else - that could do this. I talked to J but it didn't really do any good. He says I'm jealous and I guess I admit that was true at first. I'm really just getting to the point where I don't really care about any of it...I'm sick of feeling like this. Maybe it would be best if you two just continued whatever it is you're doing and left me out of it. Just...let's take a break for awhile. I know that sounds stupid but I don't know how else to put it. Can you get someone else to give you a ride tomorrow? I just need some time to sort stuff out.
Ok if that is how you want it. I can get another ride, don't worry about it. I can't go back in time and change things. I'm just really sorry. And I just want to say this about your being jealous...I've had such a big crush on you for the longest time. (I still do) I would think about you all the time. I would love spending time with you. And every know and then when it was just us, or we were around people that you didn't feel you had to put an act on, I would flirt with you and you would flirt back and I fucking swear those were the happiest moments in my life. Then J. and I started talking and I don't really know what is going on with that yet. We've only emailed each other once and talked on the phone once since Friday. It's not like we have this secret relationship or anything. So there it is...I just felt I needed to say that in case this 'break' turns into something else. I really hate this. And for fuck sake B while I'm at it I want to say that I want so much that your life will be happy always, and for people to understand you. Make people understand you, and always stick to your own hearts desire. Do what YOU want to do, be who YOU want to be. Stick to YOUR goals, be proud of yourself. Don't ever let anyone make you feel useless. Don't get trapped in a situation where all you feel is lonely and sad. Listen to people's advice, but always do what YOU feel is best for yourself, and if you fall, pick yourself up and keep trying. Don't ever give up on yourself. Once you give up, it is hard to try anymore. And that's when you start thinking that you are useless, and then it just seems like you're waiting for something, always waiting. You will make mistakes, not because you are stupid, but because you are human. And sometimes your friends or family make mistakes, they do things that hurt you even though they didn't mean it; be forgiving and understanding. Please.
Don't feel obligated to mail me back. Take your time and do it when you are ready.