chance made us sisters
love made us friends
fate gave us happiness
and love that never ends
miles came between us
and made us far apart
but no matter where life takes us
we'll still be close at heart
i cry myself to sleep
n  i miss u all the time
cant steal nemore clothes from ya
my dear partner in crime
but for now i'm glad you're happy
and must accept goodbye
till i become an aunty
n get u're firstborn drunk n high :)

i cant ever be dissapointed if i simply dont care, he tells me he's tryin to get over me wen he's clearly still dwelling on her!!! do they take me for a fool?? do they think i dont know? or that i'll never find out? do they enjoy insulting my intelligence w/ all these lies? wat da hell is the matter with them???

she's 17 n already engaged, i'm 20 n cant even keep a steady bf.. forget age it's the fact that i'm lonely as hell, i'm workin crazy ass shifts jus so that i dont have to come home to an empty house, i hate how nothing will ever be the same, hate how it'll never go back to the way it used to be... no more slumbber parties, no more movie nights, no more partner in crime to pour my heart out to, n all this changed because of a man, because of a god damn man and god damned love,.... who needed love anyways!!! who asked him to barge into our lives n change everything???? and then there's this idiot who says "he likes me" and that "he cares" KISS MY ASS!!! why dont u rehearse those lines a bit more there buddy maybe u'll sound more believable... they say there's someone for everyone, well i guess my someone got struck by lightining n dropped dead somewhere cuz he sure as hell aint anywhere around here!!!

fuck men, i'm gettin tired of this bullshit, i fucked up when i trusted people, when i let them in my life.... so many people are supposedly wanting to spend time w/ me. they feel bad for me that my sis is gone... good natured? hardly one of 'em wants to get in my friend's pants n the others? well they can all be damned to hell,

i'm tired of these lies, tired of these never ending goodbyes, tired of these never ending tears in my eyes

tired of being.....alive

i've tried sooooo fucking hard to get off these meds, to be somebody, to stay out of psych wards, to put down that blade n not slit myself to freedom.... SO FUCKIN HARD!!!! n all this goin to waste? tried to climb out of rock bottom, only to realize that there's nothin on the other side, tried to make somethin outta myself only to realize that i'll always be a nobody, tried to hold on one more day, one more time and put that blade down only to realize that hell wont b much different

i'm tired of these empty promises, tired of people sayin they'll be there, tired of not bein able to b there for anyone else.... i'd sell my fuckin worthless soul for a way out.... i'd shake hands w/ the devil to forget all this n start all over again but dreams are jus dreams, wishes r a waste of time or if u're cursed enough u mite jus get wat u wished for

son of man... God of all that ever came about, end this life TONIGHT!

dear diary.....lol

i'm SO confused rite now it's sad, i'm lettin ppl walk all over me n not doin crap to stop it, i see my mom's life in me n i dont like it. i dont want that kina life but i cant help but be overly nice to ppl... force of habit i suppose but it sux how it's almost never apreciated.

he confuses me i think, never know why he does the things he does or y he dsnt do the things i'd like for him to do, wat goes on in that head of his is beyond me... lol too bad psyc books dnt explain him well!!!

i dono if i'm the biggest fan of pd, wen i turn away he gets offended wen i try he critisizes... boo to men...lol i think it was nice while it lasted i suppose but it's time to bring it to an end... lol not like it even started on my end, but in his mind it exists n it's about to get killed by me :D

funny how all the ppl that r tellin me not to end it r basing it on the wrong reason.... "give him a chance he's cute" SO???? wat do looks have to do w/ anything, yea cute jerks are fun to have around i suppose... but then he has his times wen he makes me feel sooooo good, too bad he'll never get to see my truth, the darkness i linger in, the stories carved on my body, the past that haunts me.... lol he's too cute for it .... why would i wana bring him to the "darkside", let him live his happy "normal" life and just let me be. i dont need love, i embrace my own destruction, kiss the lips of death, get lost in the sweet intoxications of my own blood. i shall embrace the demons w/in me, and trust only myself. the coldness of my soul comforts me, my silent heart amuses me, MY WOUNDS HEAL ME!!!!!

 

isnt it funny how so many ppl promise to b there for u "thru thick n thin, good n bad" n all the rest of that mumbo jumbo but wen the shit hits the fan none of them manage to show?

i'd sell my soul rite now just to see him ok.... i'd spend an eternity of hell and be completely content if i knew he'd b ok
i'd die for him a million times n know he'll think nothing more of me than a mere fool, if i knew crying would help him, if it's wat he needs, i'd cry till my eyes bleed. i'd lay down my life for him in a heart beat.... but none of that matters if he's not here.... God!!! dont take him away cuz only You will ever know how much i need him

i hate losing ppl.... i have NO friends, my sis is about to leave, n if he leaves too.. well lets jus say there goes everyone... i'm running outta reasons to hang in there... i'm runnin outta reasons to care.... Lord make him stay.. not for me for him... he needs this more than anything.. n i swear i'll never bother him again, i jus want him to b well, he dsnt have to need me or want me, it's even ok if he hates me but i jus want him to be well, cuz even though he dsnt care about me i'll always care about him, more than he'll ever know Lord, ... i'll always be willing to give up my life for him even tho the only thing he'll say is that i'm an idiot... i'd give up my life for any one of my friends in a heart beat... but it breaks my heart how not even half of them would do the same for me, none of them even bother picking up the phone n asking how i am... none of them will ever understand, none of them care enough to understand... none of them may need me, but i need every single one of them... God just help them, forget about me for now and just help them, they need you more than i do... help those who are mourning, let them find the peace they need, help those who are scared and alone find the comfort they need, help him!! please God listen to the prayers that are being lifted up to You on his behalf, do it for the people he means the world to...

if crying would help answer these prayers, if crying could change a thing, i'd happily spend the rest of my life crying not only tears but blood for each and every one of them

how is it that the one person that can wipe ur tears away is the one person that made u cry to begin w/.... WTF is the purpose of this fuckin life... jus end already...END or i'll fuckin end u myself!!

these tears burn!! i cant see i cant feel anything other than this akward pain... like my soul just died... Lord if he gave up on me, dont You give up on him

w/ all the psychology i'm drilling in my head u'd think i'd b a bit wiser...

its 3 in the mornin, n somewhere in the middle of attemptin to study for a final n bumming around at the same time it hit me.... wat da hell am i doing?

i rememeber i watched that movie "saw" n one line in it said "are you worthy of the life u've been given?"

n i just realized the million n one ways i'm NOT WORTHY of this precious life God gave me.... i spent the past 20 yrs of my life thinkin of ways to end it... n even now at the face of the smallest problem i sit n contemplate whether i wana kill myself or not
wtf am i doing.... i'm sitting here mourning the ones that are gone n thats fine but wat about the people i love that ARE still here? wat have i done to show them i love them? what have i said to them so far that would tell them that they mean the world to me? it's like i never learn, i regret not telling all these ppl that died how much they meant to me and i'm still not doing much to change wat i'm doing w/ the rest of the people around me... i havent called the ones that mean the world to me because i'm letting my pride get in the way.... even the people that i see everyday, i take their presence for granted, and hurt them more than anything.... i miss my grandmother yes, i wish she was here yes but the matter of the fact is that she's gone, and the place she's in now is soooo much better than the one here, she's with the people she loves now, she's with God now and he will take care of her more than any of us could have here.... dad is getting sicker n i need to be there for him, i need to stop adding on to his worries by being so fragile... i need to get back up on my feet n show him how strong i am n that i'm better than any son he could have hoped for n wanted.... i need to make this man proud.... so there i got a goal... now break into lil subgoals dummie...
i gotta start eatin properly n stop w/ the whole cuttin bullshit... control my ass wat fuckin control have i gotten wen at the first sight of troubles i run to my room n run a blade thru my flesh... wat da hell is that... yea the sweet intoxication of pain is more like stupid intoxication of my white cells rushing to the cut n telling me wat da fuck did u jus do to ur body... sweet intoxication of the stupid demons w/in me wrapping a chain around my neck n makin me their slave... true control is facing my fears n not giving a fuck, true control is starin the world in the eye knowin that nothing can brake me....

n i seriously need to start eating i look like i'm homeless.... my parents kill themselves to make enough money to feed us n here i am puking it all out... yea nice going dumbass... i dun care if i get fat... at least wen i was chubby i got things done, ddnt pass out every other day n have IVs stickin outta every vein... if i look all ugly n shit i dun care... a man that'll love me for my body can go love a hooker or some other piece of ass... n even if i do get fat i know one person that will still love me... someone i've been a total bitch to but he loves me... lol i dono y, but i'm grateful... if i wasnt so scared of bein mushy i'd tell him that myself but i'm too much of a chicken..lol

so yea back to thinking mode... i'll eat, i'll take my vitamins, i'll start lookin human instead of a walkin skeleton, i'll finish school, i'll work on chem (eww) and calc(eww) in the summer,so that i'm ready to ace 'em wen i take 'em durin the skool year, i'll b a doctor n make dad proud, i'll even write my dissertation paper under his name:) but yea big dreams chicklet... but by the grace of God i'll make it.... somehow i'll make it... n i'll look back at this journal n see where i started from.... if i wana b somethin i gotta start from nothin... so here i am now.... lets see how far i can make it

ok back to studying now dum dum

If there were ever times when i truly felt loved
They were the times I spent with you
The times I laid there in ur arms
As u held me all night through

You mean the world to me… you always have and always will… n even tho it’s too late to hold you, too late to tell you how much I love you, I pray that u can see how much of a mother you are to me, how much I miss you, how much I need you, how much I’ll always love you

For years n years I’ve missed you, counted the days till I could be with you, waited to see the look in your eyes when you’d see me once again, I prayed to get a chance to thank you, for all the things u’ve done for me and all the things you helped me do, wanted to the precious hands that carried me n raised me, wanted to hold you through your darkest times just like you held me and chased my fears away…. I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you like you were there for me, I’m sorry I’m not who you needed me to be, I’m sorry for not telling you all the things I wanted to say…. I’m sorry… I’ll live the rest of my life missing you, regretting every minute wasted that I could not spend with you…

Now that you’re gone….the sun just doesn’t shine the same, the world just doesn’t look the same, the life within me, the blood that runs thru my veins will never be the same….
Gone but never forgotten….

~*~*~Rest In Peace with the angels Teta, Rest In Peace ~*~*~

i miss the times i spent w/ him, miss knowin he wanted me n givin him such a hard time by playin dumb...lol but then i wonder how many others he's dont that w/, wonder how many see him the way i do... i dont even know why i'm wastin my time on this. why is it that i run towards the things i'm running away from? why is it that we hurt those we love the most and love the ones that hurt us the most?? n i thought they said humans were the smartest animals... if thats true why do so many of us act so- well- DUMB!!
i hate staring at my fone days on end w/out it ringing... hate waking up only to realize that it's no better bein awake...

if only i could read minds, if only i knew wat goes on in his, if i could only see if they mean the things they say or if i'm just some story to live during their free time... grr what da hell is wrong w/ me... i'm not walking down that road i'm not entertaining the thought its done.. over! done! move on! quit bein dumb n degrading urself n running after ppl that dun give 2 shits about u .... blah

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lol so the in laws call mom n dad today n ask them if they're ready to get me married.. n so the parents smile n see where this is going, n before i know it i'm on the fone w/ a random guy claiming to be my saving knight in shining armor... (sounded more like an idiot in tin foil) but besides the point... lol it was the most halarious conv. in the world... lasted about 30seconds...lol

him: hello beautiful, i saw your picture today and i lose my breath (lol love the arabic english grammer)
me: awe thats nice (short of breath is always a good sign it makes him that much closer to tipping over n dying ... less for me to worry about :) )
him: i would love for me and you to meet
me: sorry i dont think u're my type
him: well my beautiful wat is your type?
me: not you... bye now

lol i thought that was pretty straightforward:D
sigh, it's driving everyone around me nuts that i'm making light of these situations but what other option have i got?? i cant tell them the truth, it would kill them n make them live the rest of their days in agony and heartache, i cant do that to them

it's one of those times when "wat they dont know cant hurt them" holds very true!!
guess "it's not you its me" speeches will do from now on... sigh oh wat a tangled web we weave!!

i think i jus had the biggest fucken relapse in my life, i've tried to keep it together but its all fallin apart, where did i go wrong, i promised myself to call someone b4 i go back to doin this n i did i called not one person 2 n several times, n they jus werent there.... fuck!!!
the sweet intoxication! fuck never thought i'd go back to this, never thought they'd fail me that way

note to self, the next time u need a helping hand, look no further then the end of ur fuckin arm

sotak ara2 men enaya, sotak 3'ona maly el sokat weinak, weinak habiby??
searchin for something i'll never have i guess, blah.. talk about girl moment....lol fuckin hormones, its times like these i wish i wasnt so frigen insomnic n up thinkin about stupid bullshit at 2am... oh n listenin to love songs isnt really helpin either.... i guess seeing all my gfs gettin engaged n married is getting to me... i'm happy for them but its like half my friends r either married, engaged, goin out, dead or dont give a flying shit about me...lol
guess i hate being taken for granted, tired of bending over backwards for someone only to realize that the only thing on their minds is someone OTHER than me... wonder if i cross their minds as much as they say i do, wonder if they miss me as much as i miss them, wonder if they would take a flying bullet for me like i would for each n every single one of them w/out every looking back or thinking twice, i love them all THAT much, while fully knowing that they probably dont feel the same way, i guess i'm not expecting anyone to b there for me, but it would be nice to prove me wrong n have them call n ask about me or waste a thought on me every now and then just like i spend hours worrying, wondering, waiting for the next chance i can see them, hold them, n tell them i care.
i hate having things taken away from me, hate having people walk out on me, or making choices without stoping to think of the effects these choices will have on others, on me!
i cant bare another loss, cant stand the pain, its times like these i wish i could cry, my heart screams in agony while my brain says dont bother, dont bother wasting another tear, one that wont get anything done, one that wont change wats done, one that wont be noticed by the dearest ones to you... never thought that saying could b this true, never realized how painful it is to have the only people that can wipe ur tears, n take ur painaway, be the ones that put them there. never realized what they meant when they said that, not until now.... if only they see how much i miss them, the screaming silence in my life that takes over when they're not there!!!


never thought that surviving survival would be worse then death itself...

sotak ara2 men enaya, sotak 3'ona maly el sokat weinak, weinak habiby??
searchin for something i'll never have i guess, blah.. talk about girl moment....lol fuckin hormones, its times like these i wish i wasnt so frigen insomnic n up thinkin about stupid bullshit at 2am... oh n listenin to love songs isnt really helpin either.... i guess seeing all my gfs gettin engaged n married is getting to me... i'm happy for them but its like half my friends r either married, engaged, goin out, dead or dont give a flying shit about me...lol
guess i hate being taken for granted, tired of bending over backwards for someone only to realize that the only thing on their minds is someone OTHER than me... wonder if i cross their minds as much as they say i do, wonder if they miss me as much as i miss them, wonder if they would take a flying bullet for me like i would for each n every single one of them w/out every looking back or thinking twice, i love them all THAT much, while fully knowing that they probably dont feel the same way, i guess i'm not expecting anyone to b there for me, but it would be nice to prove me wrong n have them call n ask about me or waste a thought on me every now and then just like i spend hours worrying, wondering, waiting for the next chance i can see them, hold them, n tell them i care.
i hate having things taken away from me, hate having people walk out on me, or making choices without stoping to think of the effects these choices will have on others, on me!
i cant bare another loss, cant stand the pain, its times like these i wish i could cry, my heart screams in agony while my brain says dont bother, dont bother wasting another tear, one that wont get anything done, one that wont change wats done, one that wont be noticed by the dearest ones to you... never thought that saying could b this true, never realized how painful it is to have the only people that can wipe ur tears, n take ur painaway, be the ones that put them there. never realized what they meant when they said that, not until now.... if only they see how much i miss them, the screaming silence in my life that takes over when they're not there!!!


never thought that surviving survival would be worse then death itself...

if i get it all out on paper.. it can no longer eat away at me, and choke me up inside


and now it finally hits me... i get why all this shit is happenin, has happened and wat will most likely continue to happen...

cant take this shit no more... cant go thru it no more... or is it that i just dont want to...

i dont want love fuck love all it ever did to me was hurt me... all they've ever done to me is take something precious away from me and leave with even more emptiness... well fuck them and fuck the whole thing.... i aint doin this no more... i aint belittling myself anymore to please those that arent worth shit in my life..

i'll kill the next mother fucker that tries to hurt me... i'll watch them bleed and show no fuckin remorse, i'd make them bleed no more then how much i bled,

i once thought i'd kill for the one that forever loves me... now i say i'd forever love the one that kills me!!!

i aint afraid of hell my boy... cuz i was born right into it!!!

can not walk down that road again... not now, not ever!!

gotta remember that... if i dont don anythng else on that resolution list, i gotta at least keep this one promise!

they lies about the smallest things that it drives me insane... wonder wat else they've been lyin to me about, wonder if they were lyin wen they said i meant somethin to them...

lol why is it that i always find this shit out when i'm knee deep into things?1?

___________________________________-

YAY, doin surprisingly well regardless of the countless hand shakes i've had w/ lucifer n death... i guess prayers get answered after all... wouldnt say i'm smart... but definently lucky to have come n lasted this far...

hate it how ppl lie so much that they convince themselves that all the bs they're saying is true, hate how they deny a truth that's right there... oh well they can do watever da fuck they please, i no longer have to deal with it, worry about it or be involved... i'm gracefully stepping out

how can something mean everything yet nothing to me!!

"I know that i can be something more"

i know i can, and i sure as hell want to, i'm done with this depression crap, there's more to me than a sick me, there's more to me than a wounded me, there's more to me than a sad me...

I dont care if i'm wanted, I want to be needed
i dont care if i'm the most important person in the world, i just want to be the most important person to the people around me, there's only one me, ONE ME! and for a reason, cuz no one can be me better than i can, no one can walk in these shoes better than i can, no one can do what i do better than i can, I want to be there for the people around me, i changed to the point that i forgot who i really was, and what i was all about, but thats all going to change now, because i need to do what i've been brought here to do and that's to fix the mistakes i made and those done by others, so that i can be the one good thing in people's lives. i want them to be proud to know me, i want people to remember me as the one good thing in their lives, as the person that got things done, as the person that made them look forward to a brand new day...

i knew i can be that person, cuz i was born as that person!

i got a final in the morning n i got a million n one things on my mind... everything BUT the final!!! cant find it in me to study or focus.. cant fuck this up now... i didnt come this far to give it all up now... STUDY!!

fuck everything n everyone right now... got bust my bum n study... cuz if i cant do it.. it simply can not be done!