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Touched


Robin the Crossover Junkie



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Part One ~ Bonding Rituals

“Oh wow. That’s nasty.” Xander’s face scrunched up in distaste as he watched the bleached vampire who had taken over his home crumble Wheetabix into the mug of blood he pulled from the rickety microwave. Spike sent a smirk at the dark-eyed boy, blue eyes flashing, then took a great gulp form the mug. Xander nearly lost the late dinner he’d been swallowing down. He turned away.

“What’s the matter, Harris? Can’t stomach fine cuisine?”

“You’re disgusting. Why are you here?”

“Well, pet, you’re the one with the microwave and the Wheetabix. Watcher’s gone and run out, and I didn’t fancy complaining enough to get myself chained back in that bathtub. Figured I’d come by, nick some cereal, maybe watch a little telly. Got a problem with that?” Spike waited.

“Yes, I have a problem with that!” Xander snapped. He was SO not in the mood. Anya had been gone a month. He hadn’t really expected her to take D’Hoffryn’s offer to regain her powers, but she had, without hesitation. So she was gone. Back to eviscerating. And he was NOT happy.

Spike watched the boy over his mug of blood. He didn’t really care that much for the Wheetabix. But it was definitely worth it. The blood may feel clotted and curdled, but it tasted the same, and the look on the humans’ faces when he drank it made up for any discomfort. It was all he could do not to burst out laughing at the expression on the whelp’s face.

Whelp? Spike thought. Where did that come from? I never called him Whelp before. That was something Angelus used to… No. Not going down that train of thought today. Bloody Poof. The last bit was thrown in half-heartedly, as an afterthought. Almost rebellious.

“Well, why didn’t you just say so? Woulda come sooner,” Spike replied, flopping unceremoniously down onto the ratty old couch. It protested loudly under even his meager weight, and he winced, truly expecting the couch to give out and break under him. When it didn’t make any more noise, he settled down and grabbed the remote.

“Please, let the naughty neutered vampire melt into my couch and stay longer,” Xander replied sarcastically, looking at the TV as he plopped into the rickety armchair. Discovery Channel. Umm….why?

“The female is attracted to the male with the brightest and largest ornaments,” the announcer was saying. Spike and Xander snickered. Then a commercial came on for Wal-mart’s new 24-hour garage service.

“24-Hour Lube service,” said the announcer. Spike laughed out loud.

*~*~*

It was hard to believe, but Xander Harris was sitting at the kitchen table of his new apartment, playing cards with a vampire. And, no less, a vampire who he was apt to call friend as often as he called him annoying. And he was enjoying it.

“I told you, Xan, you’re going to have to learn to bluff or you’re never going to be any good at these games,” Spike told the dark-haired boy patiently.

“Some of us don’t get to be expressionless vampires, Spike.”

“Oy! I have expressions!” Spike cried defensively.

“Oh yeah. Stoney, smirky, and angry. You’re worse than Rice Krispies.”

“Speakin' of which, you got any?”

“Not if you’re planning to put them in with your blood. Because that’s still gross.,” Xander informed him.

“Bloody right. Why d’ya think I do it?”

Xander just rolled his eyes and laid his cards on the table. Spike smirked and laid his down. Naturally, the vampire had a full house. Just when Xander’d been dealt a good hand, the vampire still managed to beat him. Xander shoved his chips in the vampire’s direction, then stood up. “What time is it, anyway?”

“Dunno. Look at the clock.”

Xander did. It said 7:06 am. Wait. That couldn’t be right. He looked again. 7:07 am. He stepped to the window and peaked out. Sure enough, the sun had already risen slightly above the horizon.

“Oh God. Do you realize we played that stupid game all night? And the sun’s up, by the way, Mr. Snarky I-Can-Smell-the-Sunrise-Vamp. Looks like you’re sleeping on the couch. Again.”

“Why do I always have to take the couch? It’s in worse shape now than it was back before you moved out of the old Basement of Doom, anyroad.”

“Ah, yes. But if I got a decent couch, you would probably just stay here all the time, and then I’d get annoyed with you and stake you, and Dawn would kick my ass.”

“I stay here all the bloody time, anyway. I don’t stay for the comfort, mate.”

“Yeah, yeah. You stay for the company. And the free food. Which you don’t need, so you’re really just wasting it.”

“Oh, hush up and go to sleep. Bloody wanker.”

“I’m not going to go to sleep, Spike. I am going to go and have a shower and then I am going to go to work. It’s Monday.”

“You’re going to work? You didn’t even get any sleep. Can’t be healthy for you. Don’t you humans get all wonky and psychotic when you don’t get your forty winks?”

“And whose fault is it I didn’t get those winks?”

“Your own. You’re the one who thought he could win if we played JUST ONE MORE GAME.” Spike smirked again. “But seriously. Couldn’t you just call in sick?”

“Aww, I’m touched, Spike. Really, I am. Thank you. However, I need the money in order to keep you in the style to which you’ve grown accustomed. And it won’t be the first time I’ve pulled a few days without a nap. I do help Buffy with the all-night patrols sometimes, too, you know.”

“Right then. Don’t crash your car. I think I left my favorite shirt in there.”

“See you tonight, Viagra boy.”

“Have a good time being manly, Puppy boy.” Spike settled in on the couch, then waited until Xander had showered and dressed. When the lock clicked closed, Spike stood up and headed for the bedroom, where he curled up on the comfortable bed, and fell asleep surrounded by the scent of the boy.

*~*~*

Xander rolled over again. Why was he having so much trouble sleeping? For the last week, he’d slept like a log each night, never awakening, never having any trouble drifting off. Suddenly, tonight, he couldn’t fall asleep to save his soul.

What was different? He hadn’t had to work today, which was nice, but didn’t explain anything. Willow had baked cookies and brought them over for he and Spike, and Xander had already eaten most of them. Wait. I didn’t see Spike today. Xander paused. So? What does that mean? I didn’t get to insult him today. Am I going through withdrawal? But no. He hadn’t even talked to Spike today. He hadn’t gone a day without at least talking to the blonde vampire in months. Was that why he couldn’t sleep? After all, it was almost…four in the morning.

Spike had managed to get a cell phone a few months ago. He never received a bill, yet he still had service, which none of the Scooby gang had figured out, but he wouldn’t tell them what was happening. Xander wondered if he would answer at this time of night. It wasn’t that he didn’t think the vampire would be awake. He knew he would be. He mostly wondered if Spike had been in a fight or was at a bar somewhere drinking himself into a stupor. And Xander wondered why he would be doing that. Nothing had happened in Spike’s unlife recently to make him want to get drunk. But maybe there was something today, which was why Xander hadn’t had the chance to speak to him.

*~*~*

Spike paced in his crypt. Why was he doing this to himself? Xander was his friend. JUST his friend. Spike had slept in the boy’s bed the other day, and had smelled him all day long. Xander hadn’t been there, but his smell was strong. When Spike woke up, moments before the boy actually walked into the apartment, he had felt amazingly calm and happy. It was the smell.

Spike knew his friend well, and knew that lusting after him was no way to keep that friendship. Xander was a construction worker. And not the Village People kind of construction worker. He only slept with women, and Spike hadn’t noticed any signs that the boy might be attracted to him. There was nothing. So why did he have to go and want the boy so much?

Spike jumped when his cell phone began to ring. He looked at the tiny display window and saw that it was Xander calling him. He debated whether or not to answer the phone, or if he should just let it ring. The boy will just worry. You don’t want that. And he didn’t. So he picked it up on the fourth ring.

“Xan,” Spike said gently.

“Hey Spike. Just wondering…is everything all right?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be all right?” Spike was confused.

“Well, I just…I don’t know. Just wondering.” Spike waited for the mortal to say something, anything else. “Well. See you tomorrow?”

“I guess so,” Spike replied, still confused. The line disconnected. Spike stared at his mobile for a moment before flipping it closed. Then he put it in the pocket of his duster and headed back out into the night. He needed to beat something up before dawn.

*~*~*

Xander felt dumb. Really dumb. Why had he called? Spike had spoken to him like he was crazy. Why had he felt the need to call? But now, he realized, that he knew Spike was all right, Xander could drift off into sleep easily.





Part Two ~ I Can't Help Falling In Love With You



Spike snarled as he punched the vampire in the face. He followed through with a roundhouse kick, then another, both catching the taller vampire in the face. He second kick had enough power behind it, and the vamp had been stunned enough after the first kick, that his head was wrenched from his body by the force of it. The vamp disintegrated. Spike’s face didn’t smile maliciously the way it normally did when he killed a demon. Instead, he snarled again and then whipped around to where Xander was fighting the last vampire. While Spike had been taking out the first three, this one had the nerve to attack the boy. And Spike wasn’t going to stand for it. He took a few steps forward and grabbed the vampire, then pressed the startled fledgling up against the side of a building. He glared at it, pure rage in his yellow feral eyes.

“Nobody touches the boy,” Spike said, venom in the voice that was too quiet for anyone but the other vampire to hear, before Spike pressed the stake slowly into his chest. Finally, the tip of the stake touched the vampire’s still heart, and he exploded. Spike growled low in his throat, then turned to assess the damage to Xander.

Wait a bleedin’ minute. Since when do I go on a rampage to protect the boy? Sure, he’s my friend, but I… Spike mused as he stalked over to Xander, who was wiping at a small cut on his cheek. Bloody hell. No goddamned way. There’s no soddin’ way I’m…no. I’m not going to say it. I’m not in love with…Oh, bloody hell.

“You okay Harris?” Spike snarled. He was NOT going down without a fight, dammit. He was going to fight this feeling for all he was worth. William the Bloody was not going to fall in love with a human, let alone Xander Harris. It just wasn’t going to happen.

“Fine, Bleachy. It’s just a scratch.” He swatted away Spike’s probing fingers.

“Just checking,” Spike said defensively, stepping back. Xander gave him a funny look.

“Wanna go back to the Magic Shop? Or should we just head in?” Xander asked the vampire.

“Well, the Watcher’s pretty angry at me for that crack about pedophiles…maybe I shouldn’t go back there for a few days,” Spike said with a smirk. Xander rolled his eyes.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Insult my friends! You’ve already got them against you just being a vampire. If you keep baiting them, they’re going to stake you no matter WHAT I say.” Xander turned and started walking toward his apartment.

“They don’t all hate me,” Spike started.

“No. Just Buffy and Giles. They’re the most dangerous, Spike. You know that.”

“I’m not afraid of them. Haven’t killed me yet, have they? I’m just having a bit of fun with them.”

“Yeah, I know. But they don’t think it’s funny. Could you just…lay off, a little? Buffy’s taking this Riley-leaving thing really hard, and if you keep making cracks about him or her or any of that, she’s GOING to stake you.”

Spike was silent for a moment, and Xander waited for the berating denial and insults to come flying at him. But they didn’t come.

“Spike?”

“Right then. No more wisecracks about the Slayer’s AWOL boyfriend, or the Watcher’s preference in women. No problem,” Spike said cheerfully. Xander gaped at him. “What? I am capable of a compassionate thought every once in a while, you know. Damned chip’s making me soft. And I blame you, Harris.”

“Me?” Xander replied incredulously.

“Yeah, you. Between you and the chip, I’m almost as bad as the poof, only without the brooding.” Xander gave Spike a knowing look. “Okay, maybe not as bad as Dangermousse, but you get the idea.”

“Well, Spike, If it helps, I…we like you better this way,” Xander said. Spike just snorted before pulling a cigarette from the pocket of his duster.

Yeah. It helps.

*~*~*

Xander had come home from work quietly. Spike had stayed the rest of the night, watching late night TV, while Xander slept in preparation for a long day at work. But the rain had started in just after lunch, and the crew had to shut down for the rest of the week. Xander knew Spike would be sleeping when he got home, so he walked in quietly, trying not to wake the still vampire. He’d gone to the sitting room first, expecting to see the vampire spread on the couch, but he wasn’t there. Xander raised an eyebrow and set about searching the rest of the house. He found the blonde laying in his bed, his arms wrapped tightly around Xander’s pillow.

Xander stood there and stared. Spike had removed his black T-shirt and jeans, stealing a pair of Xander’s sweatpants to sleep in. His face was soft in sleep, not hard as it was most of the time. Xander had only seen that softness a few times. Usually, it was when they were here in his apartment, just hanging out. He’s so gorgeous Xander thought. Wait. Did I just think that? About a vampire? About a GUY? ABOUT SPIKE?! Xander stepped back suddenly, stumbling into the door jam and tumbling back onto his ass. The loud crash as he hit startled the sleeping vampire, who jumped up in full game face, snarling and disoriented. Then he saw Xander sprawled on the floor, looking like a deer in the road, and he started to laugh. Howl, even.

Stupid hot vampire. Laugh at me. Then Xander noticed it. The sweat pants that Spike had thrown on were much too large for him. In fact, with Spike’s small stature, they literally hung from his hips. And they hung low. They just barely covered things that should remain covered. Xander swallowed. When did I start getting naughty thoughts about male vampires? Xander panicked in his mind. He stood up quickly.

“S-sorry, Spike. Didn’t mean to…I’m gonna go out to the kitchen, grab a sandwich. You just go back to…sorry.” Xander hightailed it from the room, nearly running to the kitchen. Spike looked on in confusion. Now that the adrenaline of being startled awake was wearing off, he was getting sleepy again.

“What're you doin’ home luv?” he mumbled sleepily as he stumbled out into the kitchen to join Xander. He knew it wasn’t anywhere near six o clock.

“It’s raining. Crew’s shut down for the rest of the week,” Xander said quickly from his spot by the fridge. He rooted around in there, then threw a bag of blood at Spike before pulling out some food for himself. Spike put the blood in a cup and then put it in the microwave.

He called me luv. Why did he call me that? Xander turned it over and over in his mind.

“…now, Xan?” Spike was saying. Xander gave his head a small shake.

“What, Spike? Sorry, wasn’t listening.”

Spike let out an exasperated sigh, then stared at Xander quizzically. “I said, does that mean you have the rest of the week off work, now, Xander?”

“Uh, yeah. No work for Monkey boy.”

“Stop it,” Spike said automatically.

“Huh?”

“I said, stop it. The Monkey boy thing. No one gets to insult you but me.”

“Excuse me?” Xander just about choked on the sandwich he’d just bitten into.

“You heard me. I’m going back to bed. Wake me up before Passions.” With that, Spike headed back to the bedroom. As soon as he was out of Xander’s sight, he smacked his forehead repeatedly.

Bloody stupid git. Call him luv? Tell him he couldn’t put himself down? Why don’t you buy him a dozen sodding roses? Give him a Hallmark card. Why don’t you just TELL him you’ve gone and fallen in love with his big brown eyes and his gorgeous lips and his whole damned soul?! Spike laid down on the bed, and cuddled up to the pillow again. He took a deep breath, inhaling Xander’s scent from the pillow, and some of his own. He fell back into sleep with a soft smile on his face.





Part Three ~ Strip poker



“Isn’t this just peachy?” Xander muttered, looking out the window. It seemed like it had been raining for weeks. Truthfully, it had only been about three days, but Xander was getting bored. The rain fell in torrents, and Giles had assured them that although uncharacteristic of Southern California, the rain was not at all supernatural. It did manage to keep all the creepy crawlies of the hellmouth holed up in their dingy hideouts, though, so Buffy and the Slayerettes had been getting a well-deserved break. But Xander was bored.

“Quit whining,” Spike told him, sipping from his mug of blood. He ran a hand through his hair, which was still damp from the rain, and was drying naturally without any gel. He was self-conscious about it…he didn’t know what his hair would look like not slicked back. He didn’t think he wanted to know.

“I’m bored, Spike. Let’s do something.”

Spike smirked. He knew what he WANTED to do. What I want to do, luv, is throw you over the back of this here chair and fuck you senseless. But I can’t. So stop looking so sodding adorable over there.

“Go get your cards, then, ninny. We’ll play poker.” He grinned evilly. “Strip poker.”

Xander just stared at the vampire, his face blanching only slightly. “Strip poker? But that’s something you play with girls. That’s the whole point.”

“Well, I know I’m not a girl. I also know I don’t have any cash, and that you’re broker than I am. What’s wrong, Harris? Not as secure in your masculinity as you thought?” Spike jabbed, looking up at the boy through his eyelashes in a way he knew was damned irresistible.

“Oh, fine. Stupid vampire. You wanna play strip poker, we’ll play strip poker. Long as it shuts you up.” Xander went to his room to get the cards from the drawer, and Spike could hear his breathing quicken. A satisfied smirk found its way to his face. Don’t scare the boy now. Let him think it’s going to be his idea. It just won’t do to have him think you coerced him into it.

Spike hadn’t set out to seduce the boy tonight. Seduce? What kind of a poncy…okay, yeah, seduce. But they were both bored senseless, there was nothing good on the telly, and the boy looked absolutely edible in the black T-shirt he had put on. Spike couldn’t figure why the boy was actually dressing unlike a clown today, but he wasn’t going to complain.

Xander just stood in his bedroom for a minute, trying to calm himself. What was wrong with him? He was having really really bad (sexy – NO! BAD!!) thoughts about Spike, and he couldn’t seem to get himself to stop. Why had he agreed to strip poker. It wasn’t like he had a chance of beating the vampire. He ALWAYS lost. Did he really want to strip for Spike? Not really. You want him to want you.

And you think showing him my naked body is going to make him WANT me? Please! He’ll laugh, and then I’ll be hurt, and he’ll just make fun of me because he’s SPIKE.

He’s your friend. He won’t laugh at you.
Xander sighed, then finished the mental conversation. He will when he sees that I’m…er…arisen to the occasion. The voice in his head had nothing helpful to say to that, and Xander sighed again, staring at the deck of cards in his hand.

“Coming, pet?” Spike said from the doorway. Xander jumped and let out a not-at-all manly shriek, spinning around to look at the vampire. Spike was leaning against the door jam, impossibly white arms crossed over the trademark black T-shirt. His hair was slightly curly from the lack of gel, and Xander wondered for a moment if it was as soft as it looked. He shook the thought away, and nodded nervously.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” He hurried past the vampire toward the kitchen, where he quickly retrieved two bottles of beer from the fridge, and sat down at the table. Spike smiled again and sat down across from the brunette, then cleared his throat.

“Right then. Aces high, five card draw, jokers wild. I’ll deal.”

“No you won’t, bleachboy. I want a chance, at least. I’ll deal.”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Fine. You deal. Give me a beer.” Xander handed one of the bottles over to the vampire, who popped the top off easily. And took a drink. Xander shuffled the cards, then opened his own beer.

Spike watched as the young man’s forearm rippled and the bottle cap made a hissing noise, loosening. He was momentarily mesmerized by the movement of the muscles, which were defined by a year of hard carpentry and construction work. Spike shook his head, then looked at the boy expectantly as he started to deal.

*~*~*

A pair of twos. A stupid, worthless, crappy pair of twos. How had he ended up with such a horrible hand. Xander sat across from him, wearing only a pair of stark white boxer shorts. Spike had opted to pretend he didn’t notice the tenting at the front of them. Spike had let the boy win a few rounds, simply because he KNEW he was bloody beautiful, and he felt the boy would be a little more receptive to his advances if he knew it too. Spike wore only his jeans, staring hard at the cards in his hand, wishing they would turn into something useful. But no. It was still nothing but a pair of twos. And he had to lay them out. He took an unneeded breath. He really didn’t want to take his pants off. It would NOT be a good idea. Xander wasn’t the only one enjoying the little peep show. The difference was, Spike wasn’t wearing any underwear. You wore jeans this tight, you COULDN’T wear underwear. OF course, his jeans, at the moment, were uncomfortably tight. It might be good to get out of them.

Xander fought down his disappointment. Here he was, holding nothing but a pair of tens. He just KNEW Spike had some amazing hand, and that more likely than not, he was going to end up taking off his underwear. Spike hadn’t said anything yet about the way the front of the shorts was bulged, but he knew he couldn’t hide anything if he had to take those shorts off. He wasn’t sure he wanted to show Spike how much he enjoyed seeing the creamy expanse of smooth, muscular chest, the dusky nipples slightly pert in the cool room, the little trail of dusty blonde hair that made it’s way sparsely from the tiny navel into the waistband of the low black jeans. Xander took a large gulp of his seventh beer, trying to think of ANYthing else. Geometry. Work. Building. Carpentry. Wood. Oh, yeah. Good thought, Xander. Way to go.

Xander swallowed, then sighed. He carefully laid down his hand, face up. Spike looked at the cards on the table, and his shoulders sagged. “Bloody hell!” exclaimed the vampire. He slammed his cards down angrily, and stood. Time to give the boy his show.

“Th…I won?! Hah!! I’m still in this game! Take that, Mr. Snarky ‘I’m gonna kick your arse’ Vampire! Hah!” Okay, so Xander was getting a little drunk. So? He was allowed. He had a nearly naked vampire playing poker at his kitchen table. And he wanted that vampire.

Spike just rolled his eyes and reached for the fly of his jeans. He carefully watched the young man’s face, intent on seeing his expression when he realized the vampire wasn’t wearing any underwear. He was sure he could laugh at it for weeks afterward. Hopefully, though, that expression would just tell Spike what he wanted to know. Did the boy want him as much as Spike wanted the boy?

Xander took in a lungful of air. Three buttons of Spike’s fly were undone, and still no underwear. It clicked. Spike wasn’t WEARING any underwear. Xander’s eyes widened and his mouth hung slack, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away.

Spike was prepared to laugh at the expression on Xander’s face when he realized the boy wasn’t looking away or blushing or trying to leave. He was just staring. The hunger in Spike’s eyes flared, and he feasted his eyes on the naked adoration obvious in Xander’s eyes, and he wanted to throw the boy down and fuck him under the table. And on the table. And in the shower, and on the roof, and anywhere else he could think of to do it. But that wasn’t the way to win over Xander Harris. He’d have to go slowly, because as much as he wanted the boy, they were friends, and he didn’t want to lose the connection altogether.

“Xan? Pet?” he asked gently. Xander tore his eyes away from Spike’s crotch, and he looked up guiltily. There was the blush. Spike smiled winningly. “Stand up for me, luv.” Xander only took a moment before doing as he was asked. He was sure he was going to pop out of his shorts any minute. Spike’s eyes were impossibly blue, and his lips impossibly full. Xander just wanted to suck on them for hours, and stare at that gorgeous body.

“I…” Xander croaked, his voice husky. Spike smiled again, and stepped forward.

“Shh.” He raised his hand and started to gently run the backs of his fingers against Xander’s strong bicep. He looked up at the taller man, and a pink tongue snaked out and wet his lips. Then Spike leaned forward and brushed his lips gently against the human’s own startled mouth.

Spike felt fireworks. He thought for sure that he could drown in the taste of Xander’s mouth, that he could fall deeply in and never see the world again and not care as long as he could touch his lips to Xander’s, even as chastely as he was doing now. Their softness and heat warmed his cooler body to the core, and he thought that surely he had died and St. Peter had royally fucked up because this was an incredibly blissful heaven.

Xander wanted to pinch himself. But he couldn’t move. He was frozen, except for the intense fire that burned deep in the pit of his stomach and rolled through his body in flaming waves. It dizzied him, and he suddenly knew what was happening. Spike wasn’t kissing him, and it wasn’t a dream. He was in heaven. That’s it. He’d died, and somehow he’d earned enough brownie points with the Big Guy by helping Buffy slay all those demons, and he’d made it into heaven. And he was kissing Spike.

Spike stepped back, light-headed. His eyes were hazy with desire. It was just a little kiss! A small, friendly, schoolmarmy kiss! So why do I feel so out of control? Spike looked up into Xander’s brown eyes, which had managed to darken further so that they were almost black. They stared at each other, equally shocked by the fever invoked by that one short kiss, for long moments. Finally, Xander blinked, attempting to regain some semblance of coherent thought.

“Whoa,” he said.

“Bloody right,” Spike replied quickly.





Part Four ~ Coming Soon



Spike took a step back and grabbed his beer from the table, downing it in one long swig. Xander watched Spike's pale throat bob as he swallowed, and suddenly decided that beer was a REALLY good idea. So he, too, drank his beer quickly, then reached into the fridge for another. He downed it in record time. Spike waited until Xander had moved away from the fridge before getting himself another beer as well. His was gone in seconds. Xander sat down heavily on a chair, and Spike sat across from him. Neither looked at the other.

"So," Xander said after a minute. He was starting to get dizzy. Maybe he should have drunk those beers a little more slowly.

Spike cleared his throat. He honestly couldn't think of a thing to say. If I tell him I love him, that I wanna kiss him for the rest of his life, he'll think I'm a wanker. If I tell him thanks, been fun, and head out on my merry way, he'll hate me. How do I handle this?

Xander didn't know how to react. Spike had kissed him. And it had been GOOD. What am I supposed to say? Do that again? He'll just laugh at me. Of course, he's the one who kissed me. Maybe he's as drunk as I am? Xander's train of thought came to a screeching halt. Wait. I'm not drunk. Well, I sort of am, but I can...if I kiss him again, I can say tomorrow that I was drunk. Right? Unless, in the morning, he still wants to kiss me. And maybe do other things. Then it'll be okay. Xander's plan was formed. He stood up, feeling a slight vertigo. He stepped over to where Spike was sitting, running a black-lacquered hand through his messy blonde hair.

"Spike," he said. Spike looked up, and blue eyes met brown. Suddenly, the fire between the two men raged back to life, and Spike stood up with all the speed his preternatural status allowed him. He grasped tightly to Xander's upper arms, pushing the young man toward the bedroom while devouring his mouth. This time, Xander reciprocated the kiss fully. He let his mouth slip open, enough for Spike to push his tongue inside. The warm cavern of Xander's mouth sent fire through Spike's belly as he explored it.

Xander's hands roamed over Spike's impossibly hard chest, running over the soft skin with a fevered haste. He couldn't touch enough of it. He'd never felt so desperate to touch anyone as he was to touch all of Spike at this moment. His hands ran down Spike's abdomen, scratching lightly at the cool skin. He ran his fingers lightly around the loosened waistband of Spike's jeans, low moans sounding in his throat. HE couldn't think. All he could do was taste, touch, feel.

Spike couldn't believe the feelings the mortal was invoking within him. Burning fingers traced soft patterns on his torso, and calloused hands left imprints of fire in their wake. He felt sure he would burst into flames at any moment, but all he could do was drink in Xander's sweet taste, and run his cool hands up and down Xander's muscular arms, touching his neck, his face, threading his fingers through the dark, messy hair. The boy's lips were unbelievably soft, but so strong at the same time. He could feel Xander's hot breath through the kisses, and was glad the boy knew enough to breathe through his nose so they wouldn't have to part their lips.

Xander felt the backs of his legs hit the bed, and his heart sped up even further. Wait. The bed. Does that mean...are we gonna...? Spike pressed Xander down to the bed, and lay down on top of him. Now Xander could feel Spike's cool body all down the length of him. Their hard chests were pressed together, their bellies, and Spike ground his pelvis down into Xander's groin, and Xander lurched up to increase the friction. A low rumbling laugh came from Spike's throat and his mouth finally left Xander's, allowing him to gulp in great gulps of coveted air.

But Spike didn't need to breathe. He mouthed hot, wet kisses down Xander's jaw, his throat, suckling greedily at his racing pulse point, then continuing southward, over Xander's collarbone, then back up the other side, licking the soft patch of skin behind the brunette's ear, and Xander keened. Spike let out that low laugh again, before kissing daintily up Xander's jaw to his mouth again, and Xander turned his head to capture Spike's cool mouth in another lusty kiss. This time, Xander's tongue explored Spike's mouth, and Spike sucked on it, his own tongue dancing with it.

Xander's entire body was singing with the heady sensation of kissing the blonde man on top of him. All of his desire ran through his body, centering in that one spot, tat spot that ached for friction, for pressure, for anything that would cause his world to explode with the pleasure of it. Every nerve was crying out for more, even as his head told him that he shouldn't be doing this. But when Spike ground his pelvis down again, all higher brain functions left Xander, and all he could do was whimper and grind back.

Spike was lost. He couldn't see past the brown eyes, couldn't taste past that hot tongue, couldn't touch past that quivering belly. Everything was heightened as desire swept through him, but it wasn't enough. He needed to feel everything about this man. He needed to taste every inch, to be a part of him. He leaned back slightly, breaking the contact of their lips. Xander whimpered and followed his lips up, and Spike couldn't deny him, so he allowed more hungry kisses.

"No, luv," he finally said, breaking apart with a jolt. Embarrassment, disappointment, and pain flashed in those beautiful brown eyes. Spike never wanted to see those emotions in the man's face again. "Scoot up, here, luv. More room on this bed than we're using." Xander pushed himself up along the bed, and Spike moved up beside him. They turned over on their sides, facing one another, and began kissing again. Work-hardened hands made hot trails across a pale, rippling back. Wizened pale hands cooled overheated bronze flesh.

Finally, kissing wasn't enough for Spike. He had tasted everything Xander's mouth had to offer, and he wanted more. He started down the hot throat, which arched up, baring the smooth column of his throat. Spike suckled there, and Xander's moan reverberated through Spike's lips and tongue. Then he started downward again, trailing his tongue across a smooth collarbone, down to strong pectorals, and trailed a lazy circle around one dusky brown nipple. Xander's back arched as he pressed into the cool mouth, and Spike finally pulled the little pebble into his mouth, sucking at it, flicking his tongue over it teasingly. Xander's soft skin was slightly salty, and so warm. Spike wanted to drink him in, wanted to feel Xander quiver beneath him as he tasted all of that flesh, pressed into him. He wanted to look into Xander's eyes as he finally gave himself over to the burning passion they both were feeling.

Spike's tongue was working magic on Xander's chest. He'd never had anybody suckle his nipples, and the intense pleasure he felt from it almost pushed him over the edge. He'd never known that such a small act could have him straining for so much more. He could feel the coolness of Spike's mouth, the heat of his own skin, and the feather light touches Spike grazed his back with. Everything heightened his arousal, so that he was straining against the fabric of his boxers even more than he had been only moments before, and he didn't think he could stand much more. It was all so much. He wrapped one hand around Spike's head, his fingers running through the messy blonde locks, grasping for leverage, pressing Spike's head against his chest, silently begging for more.

Spike gave himself over to the sensations. He'd never had such a responsive lover. Sure, he'd had amazing sex, but he'd never been so ready to burst after only kisses and touches. They hadn't even gotten to the good stuff yet. Spike moved his mouth lower, trailing fevered kisses across Xander's shaking abdomen, dipping his tongue into the grooves of hard muscle, nipping lightly at the goosepimpled skin. He dipped his tongue into Xander's navel, and the boy let out a hoarse groan, his hands clutching at the sheets on either side of him as Spike pressed him onto his back, leaning over him. Then his mouth started to move lower, and Xandre broke the silence of the room.

"Spike," he pleaded as the vampire began to lower his boxers.

"Yeah, luv?" Spike's voice was husky with passion, and he turned to train his ocean blue eyes on Xander's chocolate brown ones. He saw the doubt, the fear, there in those dark pools, and he pulled himself back up so he was nose to nose with the mortal. He kissed him lightly. "It's okay. Xander, do you want this?" The boy said nothing, only stared up into Spike's eyes. "Because I want this. Very much. I would like nothing more that to be here, with you, tonight. Please?" Please? You're begging now? Bloody Wanker. Spike clamped down on the voices in his head. This was what Xander needed to hear. And it was true. This was what Spike wanted, more than anything.

In answer, Xander leaned his head up to kiss Spike again. Their passion was rejuvenated, not that it had ever waned. Spike moved back down Xander's body, trailing kisses back to the waistband of those white boxers, then slowly pulled them down and off Xander's legs. He feasted his eyes on the jutting erection, and gasped. Xander's body, laid open and bare for him, bronzed body on dark sheets, his mouth open, eyes dark with desire, was enough to drive him mad.

"Wanna taste you, Xander," was all he said. Then he began to trail cool kisses across Xander's pelvic bone, and Xander hissed, thrusting his hips up unconsciously, eyes never leaving Spike's.

Xander wanted to watch. He wanted to watch as Spike trailed that cool, devilish mouth across his flaming body, easing the burn yet making it worse at the same time. Spike trailed his tongue all around Xander's hips and groin, but never touched that aching part of him that pleaded for release.

Finally, Spike's mouth descended over the weeping tip of Xander's hard cock, his tongue swirling around the head. Xander let out a cry, and Spike pressed his hands down on the boy's hips to keep him from thrusting up. He wanted to prolong his lover's pleasure. Slowly, endlessly, he pressed his cool, wet, mouth down, taking Xander in millimeter by millimeter, feeling the throbbing as blood pounded, rushing through his veins. Spike was drunk on the heady sensation of taking his lover into his mouth, tasting the bitter coppery taste of his precum while the boy moaned and begged senselessly for him to stop the exquisite torture, to never, ever stop. Spike began to move his head up and down on Xander's rigid cock. He took it all the way down to the root, again and again, as Xander's head thrashed on the pillow. Spike could feel the wiry hairs at the base of Xander's stiff member as he swept down and up again, faster than before. He moved one hand down, under Xander's leg, clutching at his tense buttock, then finally moved one finger in to play at the puckered opening between his cheeks. Xander's entire world flashed white, and all he could feel was Spike's mouth, his hand, his cool, perfect touch. With a strangled cry, Xander's hips leapt off the bed, and he filled Spike's mouth with his hot seed, throbbing and jerking in the most intense orgasm he'd ever experienced.

Spike swallowed deeply, making sure he got every drop, and also making sure to swallow against the head of Xander's jerking cock, invoking sensations Xander hadn't even known existed. Finally, Spike finished cleaning his cock of every remnant of his release, and trailed gentle kisses up his body, nuzzling at his neck as Xander panted, trying to form some coherent thought.

Spike sat up, breathing hard himself, though he didn't need to. Xander's release had been intense, and Spike needed to feel that as well, but he wouldn't push the boy. He lifted his head from Xander's pulsing throat, and stared into those brown eyes, lids low with exhaustion.

"Tasty, pet," Spike told him, and Xander flushed. Spike licked his lips before placing a small kiss on Xander's mouth. Xander pushed his tongue into the vampire's mouth, and could taste the bitterness of himself, but it wasn't altogether unpleasant. Spike smiled around the kiss, and pressed his insistent arousal against Xander's slack thigh unconsciously. Xander trailed a hand down Spike's chest, then to the button fly of his tight black jeans. Spike pressed forward with pleasure as Xander began to fumble with the buttons, then pushed them past Spike's pale hipbones. When they were around his knees, Xander returned his mouth to Spike's, and placed one hand on the pale chest, pushing Spike to lay on his back. Then he began to roll Spike's tiny pink nipple in his fingers, and the vampire arched up, the heat of Xander's hands igniting new fires in his loins.

Xander snaked his other hand down, down, to lace through the coarse hairs at the base of Spike's protruding arousal. Spike whimpered into Xander's lips, not breaking the kiss. Finally, Xander wrapped a hot hand around Spike's erection and slowly began pumping it up and down. Spike cried out at the tremendous pleasure he felt at Xander's touch. Xander's hand sped up, quickly finding Spike's release. His cock spurted thick streams of his seed over his belly, over Xander's hand, and over the bed sheets, and he cried out as stars danced behind his eyes. Xander grinned sheepishly as Spike opened his eyes, and the vampire pulled him down for a searing kiss. Finally, he let Xander go, and turned him around so that Spike was curled into his back, both men touching from head to toe. Xander fell asleep to Spike's soft, contented purring.





Part Five ~ Catharsis



Catharsis: A technique used to uneffectively deal with anger through aggression.


Xander awoke wrapped up in warm arms, with someone wrapped around his back. His head hurt, and his mouth was dry as hell, and he felt like crawling under a rock.

At least I got laid last night, he thought wryly. Wait. Oh no. Oh NO! I slept with SPIKE! I had gay, guy-on-guy-action type sex with Spike, the evil chipped vampire! Oh GOD!! Xander jumped up, grabbed sweats and quickly slipped them on before quietly but swiftly running into the kitchen. He quickly downed three glasses of water, then downed another with three aspirin. He sat at the table, his mind running wild. He’d slept with Spike. Yeah, it was good and all Great, you mean. Life-changing. Best you’ve ever imagined, let alone had but Spike was…Spike! They were friends, but not Willow and Tara type friends! How drunk was I? Xander asked himself. Not that drunk. You knew what you were doing. he answered himself. Xander sighed. How was he supposed to act now?

Spike had been awake before Xander. He’d felt the boy start to stir, and wiggle into him before realizing just who he was wriggling against. Then the boy had tensed suddenly, jumped out of bed, thrown on some pants, and ran out of the room without so much as a glance at his lover. Lover? Bloody hell. You’re not his lover, ponce. Obviously, he’s horrified about last night. You might as well just get dressed and leave. You could probably make it to a sewer tunnel, get back to your crypt within ten minutes. You can wallow there. He sat up, picking his jeans up from beside the bed. He slid them on and buttoned them, the memory of Xander’s fingers undoing that fly the night before sending waves of desire and heartache through him. It wasn’t going to happen again, he could tell. Everything he’d felt last night…it was nothing more than a memory now. Which hurt, because he’d fallen in love with the boy long before now.

Spike walked into the kitchen, dreading the exchange of words that the two were sure to have, but needing to get his shirt and duster before he left the apartment. He chanced a glance at Xander, who sat at the table, staring at the floor, his entire body tensed.

“Right then,” Spike said, his clipped voice betraying the sudden rage he was feeling. Who was this boy to use him? To make Spike fall in love with him, get his end off, then be satisfied and ready to dismiss him so easily? Spike bent to pick up his T-shirt from the floor, and pulled it on, not looking at Xander. He went to the fridge to pull out the remaining bag of blood, intent on drinking it on his way out. He pulled his duster on over his shirt, and went to the door to put his boots on.

Just as Spike opened the door to go into the hallway and leave Xander’s apartment, he heard the soft, rage-filled word, almost inaudible. It would have been, if Spike hadn’t had that preternatural hearing.

“Why?”

Spike stopped. Didn’t move for almost a minute. Then he slowly turned around to face the shining brown eyes. There was so much behind that question. Why did you fall in love with me? Why did you make this so much harder than it has to be? Why do you have to be such a woman, Spike? Spike could hear the questions in that one simple word.

“I couldn’t help it, Xander,” he said, his voice deceptively even. Xander seemed to get even angrier.

“You couldn’t HELP it? You’re over a hundred years old, Spike. Between the two of us, I think you should probably be mature enough to handle something like this.” Spike could taste the bitterness in Xander’s words. He’s right. I should know better than to fall in love with someone who can’t possibly love me back. But I’ve never had anything else. This is home for me. It’s normal.

“I know. I’ll deal with it myself.”

“Deal with it yourself? I don’t get to deal with it now?” Xander’s voice was even, controlled, but brimming with disgust. Spike knew if the boy’s eyes could shoot wooden stakes, Spike would have been dust on the floor.

“Why would you want to? It’s my fault. I’m the one who let it happen.”

“You let it happen? I don’t think so. I seem to remember you being the one who kissed me. Seems to me you’re the one who started the whole business.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” Spike took a step toward the boy.

“You heard me. The whole damned thing was just to see how far you could pull me. See how much I’d go for.”

“It’s not like that, Xander.”

“Again, I say bullshit.”

“Goddammit, Xander. I never wanted it to happen!”

“Then leave. You were about to anyway. I’m not gonna stop you.”

“I don’t want to leave you so angry at me.”

“Well, when you hump and dump, you usually don’t care about what the other person wants.”

“Right.” So I was right. He just wanted to get his end off. Figures.

“Get out, dammit!” Xander cried. “I would leave, but, hello, my house!”

“Fine. Bloody bastard. Try and do right by you, and you throw me out. Well, that’s fine. Have a nice life, Harris. Hope something big and toothy tears you to shreds.” With that, Spike swept out the door, slamming it roughly behind him.

Xander crumpled to his chair. His knees were wobbling, he couldn’t stay upright. He used me. Used me. Pretended it was something, then left. Why does this hurt so much? How could I have thought he wanted me? I’m nothing. Nobody. I’m donut-guy. I’m worse than donut-guy. I’m not useful to anybody, I have nothing to offer. Even Anya didn’t care enough to stay with me after D’Hoffryn’s proposal. I thought she really cared, but it was nothing. Just like this. I thought Spike cared. But it was nothing. A fat tear rolled down Xander’s cheek. He stood and dressed. He needed to do something. Anything, with his hands. He checked outside. Sunny day. Maybe he could go to work, see if they had any extra work he could do. Sunny day. What if Spike…Wait. Why do I care? He used me. But I do care. No. Nuh-uh. I did NOT fall in love with an evil, soulless, blood-sucking fiend. I especially didn’t fall in love with a demon who used me. Xander sat back down, knowing he was lying to himself. He’d fallen in love with Spike. But now what? Spike sure didn’t want him, obviously.

*~*~*

Spike paced in his crypt. He’d gotten there without incident, and now he just wanted to be out. He had the greatest desire to kill something. Something that would bleed a lot. He kicked out at the wall, muttering curses and breathing hard.

That’s what you get, you stupid git, taunted his inner voice. You fall in love with the human, you think maybe you can get what you want, and you just wrecked it. He was downright angry when he figured out how you felt about him. Did you see the loathing in his eyes?

Spike let out a growl and picked up a bottle of whiskey, chucking it hard at the wall. It shattered, the amber liquid within spraying across the crypt.

Self-pity was getting him nowhere. He’d never been so angry. Not just at himself, but at Xander too. The bastard used me. Obviously, he knows how I feel. He wanted to get his rocks off, have a little fun, and send me on my bloody merry way. He used me. Dammit. Spike sat in his armchair, doing the one thing he’d hated most about the number one poof himself. He brooded.

*~*~*

“Hey, Xander, are you okay?” Buffy asked her friend, sitting down next to him at the Magic Shop. He’d been flying off the handle all day, over any little thing. They’d started to worry when Xander had thrown a book across the store unapologetically when Dawn had mentioned Spike’s disappearance.

“I’m fine,” Xander snapped, going back to his research.

“No, you’re not fine. You’re obviously pissed about something. What’s wrong?”

“I told you, Buffy, it’s nothing.” Xander took a deep breath. “I had a rough night, okay?”

“Why? What happened?”

Xander looked back to his book. He couldn’t talk about this with them. None of them would understand. And Buffy would probably go and stake Spike. Which, strangely enough, Xander didn’t want. He should want it, but he loved the bastard, and didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.

Buffy let out a frustrated groan at his silence. She got up and went across the shop to where Willow was reading a spell book.

“You try it, Will. He won’t talk to me.”

“I’m worried about him, Buffy. Remember when Anya left? He was like this. Only not nearly so bad. I think it might be romantic troubles,” Willow said, worried for her friend.

“Romantic? But Xander hasn’t been dating or anything. Hell, he spends all his time with Spi…” Buffy’s face turned to shock, and her eyes widened at the same time Willow’s did. “No. No way.”

Willow looked back over at Xander, then faced Buffy again. “Do you think…?” Both girls stared hard at Xander for a full minute. Before they could say anything else, Spike came in the door. He stopped cold at the sight of Xander, then went to stand across the room from where he was sitting. Xander didn’t look up, but he stiffened considerably, and Buffy and Willow couldn’t help but notice.

“Anything I can kill in the messiest way possible tonight?” Spike said quietly, with none of the joyful vigor he usually showed at the thought of beating something up. Tonight, he was all cool malice. Pure rage.

“Oh my God,” Buffy said slowly. “It’s true. It’s way true.” She and Willow exchanged a look.

“What’s true?” Spike said.

“You…he…they…oh wow…” Willow squeaked, unable to form full thoughts. But she knew. And Buffy knew. Spike and Xander had done something last night that made them both angry and hurt.

Suddenly Xander stood up, bursting out the door, intent on getting away. They know. Oh God, they know. Cannon fodder, folks. Let the Xander-humiliation begin. He couldn’t stay there.

Buffy stepped up to Spike, who didn’t shrink from her murderous gaze.

“If you’re going to stake me, Slayer, do it now. Just finish it off, okay?”

“I’m not going to stake you, Spike. I should, for hurting him, but I’m not. Not until you tell me what the HELL happened.”

Spike sighed. “Nothin to lose, yeah? Wanna know? Harris decided I’m a ponce and he wants me to stay away from him. Bloody bastard used me, then threw me away like…something that can be thrown away. I feel low enough as it is, Slayer. Might as well be dust.”

Buffy took a shocked step backward. “What are you saying?”

“I’m SAYING, I went and fell in love with the boy, you stupid bint. He knew, and he used me, and then he kicked me out. So you can stake me. I’d really rather that than feeling like this. Get it yet?”

Buffy blinked.

Willow stepped forward. “That’s…but…you love him?”

“Congratulations, Red. You’ve won first prize.”

“Okay. That is SO much to take in right now. I…I think I need to sit down,” Buffy said, and sat down cross-legged on the floor.

“Yes!” cried Dawn, punching the air with glee. She turned smugly to Tara, who was sitting beside her, her face a mixture of innocence, guilt, disappointment, and empathy. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a five-dollar bill, handing it to Dawn, who smiled brightly and slipped it into her own pocket. She giggled. “I win!” she announced smugly.

“You win? What?” Buffy asked, confused.

“Well, Tara and I had a bet.”

“A bet?” Willow asked.

“Well, yeah. I mean, it was SO obvious that Spike and Xander were in love. I mean, well, I could see it, and so could Tara. And we made a bet, to see who would admit it first.” She grinned gleefully. “And I said Spike would. And I won!!”

“You…what?!” Spike replied, also confused, and a little unnerved. They could tell? //Wait. What did she say?// “What did you say?”

“I said I won,” Dawn said, as if speaking to a child.

“Before that, Little Bit. The part about me and Xander.”

“Oh, right. What? You couldn’t tell he loves you? Oh my God. Is everyone blind?!” Tara put a hand on Dawn’s arm, stilling her.

Spike’s mind was racing. Xander loved him? Then why the display this morning? It suddenly clicked. He thought I used him. He doesn’t know I love him. He thought I… Spike pushed away from the wall he’d been sagging against and headed for the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Buffy asked, standing up.

“I have to go see him. He thinks I…God, he thinks I used him. I have to…” Spike was out the door, and Dawn sighed. Buffy turned to glare at her.

“What? Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’re not happy for them,” Dawn said, tilting her head and scrunching her eyebrows.

“It’s Spike! And Xander!!”

“Well, yeah!” Dawn said.

“It is kind of sweet,” Tara piped up. “And Spike’s not so bad, really. He’s been really good to us, and helped us, and I think he’s kind of a friend.”

“Tara’s right,” Willow said, sagging. “Spike’s a friend. A-and as long as Xander’s happy, I’m okay with it.”

Buffy sighed, then after a moment, finally said something. “If he hurts him, I’ll stake him and suck him up with a dust-buster.”





Part Six ~ Coming Clean



Xander was hurt and angry. Mostly hurt, now. And embarrassed. They knew. All of them knew that he was…had been…with Spike. Surely they had dusted him by now? Or maybe they’d joined him in laughing at Xander? Ask yourself why you’re always the one who’s used. Faith used you. Anya even used you. The reason is because you’re worthless. They use you because they can. Because it doesn’t matter.

Xander kicked a rock, and continued to walk. He’d slowed down after getting far enough from the shop. Now he just needed to feel the night air, to wallow in his own self-pity. Give him a few days, and he’d be okay about the Spike thing. He could handle it. Liar. It’s different this time. You’re really in love with him. You never had that with Faith or with Anya. Xander clamped a lid on the voice in his head. Anya didn’t use me. She just didn’t care enough to stay, he told it. The inner voice said nothing. I really do love him. I don’t want to. But that’s why this hurts. Because I fell in love with him.

“You’ve got a great ass,” said a familiar British voice from behind him. Xander stopped in his tracks. He just couldn’t deal with this humiliation right now.

“Don’t, Spike. Just, go laugh at me behind my back. I really don’t want to deal with this right now.” Spike said nothing, but fell into step beside him. Xander refused to look at him. Refused to speak to him. He wasn’t even going to acknowledge him.

“I’m sorry,” Spike said, his voice low.

“You’re sorry? Oh, that’s rich. ‘Sorry Xander. Didn’t mean to use you completely then take off. It was just for kicks, you know?’” Xander said sarcastically, mimicking Spike’s English accent eerily well. He sighed, and it came out waveringly, and Xander hoped that at that moment the Hellmouth would take pity on him and open below his feet, swallowing him whole. No such luck. “Haven’t you had enough fun at my expense?”

“I didn’t do ANYTHING at your expense, Harris,” Spike said indignantly.

“Oh, no, you only just made me…just go.” Xander still hadn’t looked over at the bleached vampire. Spike put a hand on Xander’s arm, trying to stop him, get him to face him, anything but the cold shoulder he was getting. Xander shrunk back from the touch, and Spike pulled his arm back as though he’d been burned.

“I want to tell you something. I’m going to tell you, whether you wait for me or not. It’d be easier if you listened,” Spike said after a moment. How do I tell him I love him?

“Whatever.”

Spike took a deep breath, knowing he just had to do it. “Listen closely, and don’t interrupt me, because I’m only going to say this as many times as it takes to get through your head. When you woke up this morning, you panicked. Because it was me in your bed. You got up, you wouldn’t look at me, and you kicked me out. Don’t say anything,” he said, knowing Xander was about to. “I thought you were angry at me for…for acting on what I wanted. For wanting to make it more than just one night. It hurt, and I got angry. I thought you just wanted to…to get your end off, I guess, and then you were done with me. And that isn’t what I wanted.”

Xander didn’t say anything. He looked positively shell-shocked. Spike plugged on.

“What I wanted, was for you to wake up and be happy about what had happened. Because when I woke up, I was ecstatic. I…somewhere along the line I fell in love with you, dammit. And when I thought you just used me, I…I got so angry. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to be used again. For once I wanted to be loved back.”

Xander stopped walking. Love…he loves me. He said he loves me. Xander turned to face Spike, looking deeply into those blue eyes, deeper than any sea.

“Are you playing with me? Or are you serious?”

“I’ve never been more serious about anything, Xander. When was the last time you saw me acting like such a wanker for a joke?”

“I thought…this morning, I thought you used me. I…I didn’t realize it till later, but I love you, too. And you said…you said you hadn’t wanted it to happen, and I thought you meant the…the sex. And I freaked. I…” Suddenly Spike’s lips were on his, and they were kissing as though they’d been starving for each other. Lips and tongues dueled for dominance, neither conceding, neither wanting to. Finally, Xander pulled back for air. Spike placated himself by kissing at Xander’s chin, jaw, and throat.

“Wait. Why did you…now? Why did you come and tell me this stuff? If you couldn’t tell me this morning?” Xander asked after a moment.

Spike chuckled. “Funny…story, actually…” he said between kisses. “Matter of fact, seems we’re the last ones to figure this out.” Xander looked at him quizzically. Spike took a step back and took hold of Xander’s hand, lacing his cool fingers through the warmer ones. Then he started walking, Xander in step beside him. “Dawn and Tara. They had a little wager.”

“They were betting? On what?”

“On which of us would admit he was in love first. Dawn bet on me. She won.”

“Should we tell her, or let them call it a draw?”

“Oh, they know. I told them back at the shop.”

“Oh. You mean… Oh, man. Buffy’s gonna kick your ass.”

“No. Slayer’s dealing with it. If it weren’t for me admitting it, I never would have known about the bet, and I never would have chased you.”

“Well, then. Remind me to send them a card.” Spike leaned in and kissed any more words away. After a few minutes, he pulled back.

“And one more thing, luv,” Spike said, grinning at Xander.

“What’s that, Spike?” He knew he was setting himself up, but he didn’t care. Spike loved him!

“We didn’t have sex last night. That was foreplay. NOW we’re gonna have sex.”

*~*~*

Xander felt stupid. Really, really stupid. Spike was in his kitchen, cooking some meal, while he lounged on his couch, waiting. He recalled the conversation they’d had earlier.

“We’re gonna do this right, Xan,” he’d said, pulling away from the human when their kisses got to be really passionate.

“Not if you don’t quit talking,” he’d growled. He really enjoyed kissing Spike, lack of heartbeat be damned. He didn’t want to be interrupted.

“Oh, we’re gonna do that all right,” Spike had smirked. “But not yet. I’m already a wanker. Might as well graduate to poofdom, eh?”

“What are you talking about? Why are you talking? You should have your tongue in my mouth,” Xander had told him, stepping forward again. Spike couldn’t resist, and they’d kissed for long minutes again.

“No, seriously, luv. I’m going to cook you dinner, we’re going to have an actual date.”

“You’re joking,” Xander’d said. He stared at the self-satisfied smirk on the vampire’s face. “You’re not joking. You’re serious about this.”

“Bloody right I am. I told you. I’m going to make you dinner. THEN we’re gonna shag. Not before dinner.”

So now Xander was watching TV, while Spike cooked. Xander was afraid to look in the kitchen. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he smelled smoke. He hoped he really didn’t smell smoke. And he hoped Spike would finish soon. He was hungry. And he wanted dessert.

“All right, pet,” Spike called from the kitchen. Xander leapt up and bounded into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks. Then he started to laugh.

On the table, which was set elegantly with Xander’s best plates, and a candle centerpiece, was a pot of Kraft Dinner. The kitchen, though, was a mess. There were pots and pans strewn over the counters. A few spills must have occurred, because there were macaroni noodles strewn about, and a few puddles of milk.

“What do you expect? I don’t exactly need to cook, you know,” Spike grumbled. Xander stepped up to the vampire, and wrapped his arms around him. He placed a gentle kiss on Spike’s lips, who happily accepted.

“I appreciate it. I really do. But…you took thirty minutes. There are pots and pans dirty all over the place. You’re SERVING it in the pot you cooked it in. The direction sare on the box.” Xander started laughing again.

“Right. Well, I started out trying to make spaghetti. But it didn’t really work out. So I did this instead. Don’t you love me, Xander?” he pouted. Xander just laughed harder.

Spike sniffed melodramatically. “You don’t care about me. I try to cook for you and you laugh. Maybe I should just leave. Go out into the sunlight. Or I could go tell Buffy all the sexy things I’m going to do to you when you finish your macaroni. I’m sure she’ll stake me good and proper.” Spike’s eyes gleamed maliciously. “I could tell her all about the different places I’m going to lick you. About how I’m going to taste every inch of your hot skin, and I’m going to keep you writhing under me as I slowly, slowly press my rock hard cock deep into you, the friction burning but in a good way. I could tell her how I’m going to fuck you into the mattress until you’re begging for me to just touch you right…there…so you can come harder than you have in your entire…” Both men stood, panting at the mental image Spike had painted. Spike shook it off first. “Right. Eat good and quick, luv.”

Xander sat down and wolfed down his meal. He quickly stood up and moved to kiss the pacing vampire.

“Oh no you don’t, Xander. I’m not kissing your macaroni and cheese mouth. Go brush your teeth.” Xander laughed, kissed Spike on the cheek, and left to do just that. Spike raced to the front closet to retrieve his duster, and pulled out the small tube of lubricant he’d bought at a 7-11 before he’d caught up with Xander after they’d left the Magic Box. Aren’t you a boyscout, taunted the voice in Spike’s head. Yeah, well, I’m about to get shagged silly, so I don’t really care, Spike told it with a silly grin. He practically skipped to the bedroom, and stepped through the door before stopping dead in his tracks and dropping the little white tube. Xander was stretched out on the bed, completely naked, already hard, and holding up a bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup.

“Giddyup,” Spike said quietly after a moment.





Part Seven ~ Something On My Mind



Xander let out a nervous laugh. What are you doing? Chocolate syrup? Are you insane? You’re going to let a vampire do…stuff…to you? With chocolate syrup?

Spike walked quickly to the bed, stripping his T-shirt off as he went. He leaned down over Xander and began kissing him fully and passionately. His tongue was reading Braille on the back of Xander’s tonsils, and his hands were wrapped around Xander’s biceps like steel vises. The kiss was perfect. And incredibly scary. Xander started to panic. I’m about to have sex with a vampire.

It didn’t bother you last night,
his inner voice reminded him. That was different. Last night I was drunk. And I wasn’t in love. And I was nervous last night. But Spike said, tonight, we’re gonna…we’re gonna…

If you’re gonna do it, you should be able to say it,
interrupted the voice. He said we’re gonna have actual sex. With…penetration.

Spike could sense something was wrong. Xander was kissing him wholly, but he was being almost robotic about it. Like he was thinking too much. Spike broke apart, and Xander whimpered unconsciously.

“What’s wrong, luv,” Spike said, looking deeply into the human’s dark eyes.

“Nothing,” Xander said, a little too quickly. His heart was beating a mile a minute; Spike could feel his pulse racing under his hands. He pulled back some more, and rested himself on one elbow beside Xander. He traced his free hand over Xander’s chest, eliciting a few shivers from the younger man.

“Something’s wrong, Xander. Might as well get it out into the open. Not gonna touch you again till you do.” Spike hoped desperately Xander wouldn’t test him on that.

“I just…you know I haven’t done this before…”

“You’re scared.”

“Nervous. Not scared,” Xander argued, his face turning red.

“Hey,” Spike told him, lifting his chin so their eyes met. “It’s okay to be nervous, Xan. This is something new to you.” Spike wrapped the trembling young man in his arms, resting his chin on Xander’s head. Xander reciprocated the embrace, still nervous.

“How about this, luv?” Spike began. “How about we just sit like this for a few minutes. All night, if you want.”

“But Spike, you’re…” Xander gestured to Spike’s bulging groin.

“So’re you,” the vampire pointed out.

“I don’t want you to be in pain for me,” Xander said, starting to pull away. Spike kept his grip, not letting the boy leave the protective circle of his arms.

“My problem, mate. We’re not gonna do anything unless you give the sayso.”

After a moment, Xander brought his lips up to gently brush Spike’s. “I like kissing you,” Xander told him.

Spike chuckled low in his throat. “I like kissing you, too, Xander,” he admitted. Xander’s mouth returned to Spike’s, and they kissed a little more wholeheartedly. The kisses were gentle and loving, but still full of the passion both men felt consuming them.

Spike’s tongue gently probed at Xander’s warm lips. He didn’t want to push Xander, but he needed to taste his mouth again. Nothing was sweeter than the taste of Xander.

Xander allowed Spike's tongue entry to his mouth, his own dancing merrily with it. Spike let out a little moan before pressing his body closer to Xander’s, trying to get their skin as close as possible. But he wouldn’t push too much at a time. Just enough to let Xander know he wanted him.

Xander’s skin was on fire. He’d thought that last night’s sensations had been intense, but the alcohol must have dimmed them, because right now he was feeling so much more. Just kissing Spike like this was burning him up from the inside. When Spike pressed against him, he thought he’d disappear from the feeling. He whimpered slightly, running his hand across Spike’s chest.

“Xan,” Spike panted, breaking away from his lover’s mouth. “Xander. You’re so beautiful, luv.” He trailed kisses along the column of Xander’s pulsing throat. Xander breathed in sharply. “What? What did I do? Are you okay?” Spike asked hurriedly, looking deeply into Xander’s shining eyes.

“What? N-nothing. It’s just…no one’s ever said that to me before.”

“Are you kidding? No one’s ever told you how magnificent you are?”

“N…not in so many words. Or any words. Or actions. Or anything.”

Spike studied Xander’s eyes for a moment. “You don’t know it.” His voice was filled with wonder and doubt.

“Know what?”

“How gorgeous you are.”

“I’m not…” Spike cut him off with a sharp kiss.

“You are. You’re covered in strong, lean muscle. Your body is so defined…it ripples when you move. You’ve got these beautiful, strong, calloused hands,” Spike told him, lacing his fingers through Xander’s. “When I see you working with your hands, I’m ready to come in my bloody jeans.” Xander blushed. “Your chest,” Spike said, kissing across the object in question lightly, “is perfect, so strong, broad, powerfully built. Your throat is a vampire’s wet dream. Long, thick, it makes my mouth water. Your mouth, Xander. Your mouth is so soft, but strong. You know just how to use it. Totally kissable. And your eyes.” Spike looked into those chocolate pools. “I could get lost in your eyes, and never find my way out, and I wouldn’t mind. Everything you’re thinking is expressed in your eyes, luv. When you’re angry, they get so clear. When you’re horny, they turn black.” Xander was mesmerized by Spike’s husky tone, by the words he spun around the human.

Spike sighed. “I love you, Xander. I’m so in love with you it makes me feel like the biggest poof in the world because you make me want to sing, to dance, to make you fucking Kraft Dinner. You make me want to call up Angel and tell him it’s all right if he wants to brood over leaving Buffy because he’s twice the man I am since he could actually summon up the bollocks to leave her if he loved her half as much as I love you. You make me want to be William the Bloody Awful Poet again. In over a hundred years, I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to be with you.”

Xander didn’t say anything. Frankly, Spike had expected something from the boy. Anything, really. Even a “shut up you wanker” would have been better than this silence. What’s he thinking?

Xander made a decision then. He wasn’t going to be afraid. No one in his life had ever had as much love shining in their eyes – for him – than Spike did right now. He looked deeply into the icy blue eyes, looking for any sign of laughter, deception, anything he didn’t want to see. All he saw was love. A little embarrassment. But mostly love.

Xander leaned forward and kissed Spike. He kissed with everything he had, pouring all his love, his passion, his absolute adoration and loyalty to this man who he loved. Everything he felt was poured into the kiss; everything he wanted, needed, wanted to thank Spike for.

When they finally broke apart, Spike looked at him with dazed eyes. The two men stared dizzily at each other for long moments before Xander reached back behind him and retrieved the bottle of chocolate syrup.

“I think you said it best before,” Xander said shyly. “Giddyup.”





Part Eight ~ Down & Dirty



“Giddyup indeed,” Spike said, grinning wolfishly at the brunette. The blonde vampire moved a little closer, playing coy, now that he knew Xander was really okay with all of this. He decided it was time to tease Xander.

Spike gently ran his fingertips along Xander’s bare flank, causing the boy to shiver violently. “Is this okay, Xan? Can I do this?” Spike asked innocently.

Xander just nodded, moving to kiss along the vampire’s jaw. Spike retaliated by pushing his hips forward so they brushed against Xander’s replenished erection. Xander bucked forward a little.

“What about that, Xan? Can I do that?” Spike asked, his voice tiny and childlike. Xander decided revenge was in order, and he nipped at Spike’s neck. Spike arched forward and gasped, his eyes sliding shut before opening up darker than ever with desire. He lifted Xander’s chin, staring deeply into dark brown eyes. “You want this to last longer than five minutes, you don’t bite, got it Xan?”

Xander blushed, looking embarrassed. You’re horrible at this. He may love you now, but when he sees what you’re like in bed, he’ll leave you, Xander’s inner-asshole told him. Spike saw the emotions flicker across Xander’s face, and sighed.

“Don’t,” Spike told him. “It wasn’t the wrong thing to do. It was too right. Don’t you see, luv?” Xander just looked confused, but at least he didn’t look completely desolate anymore. Spike smirked. “Xander, I’m a vampire. Vampires get off on biting. I’m already hard enough that if you bite me again, I’m going to come.” Xander blushed furiously, and Spike decided to go for the gold. “I’d rather come inside you than inside my jeans.” Before Xander could react, Spike had him pressed back against the bed, kissing him.

Xander wrapped his arms around Spike, pushing his tongue into the cool cavern of his mouth. His hand strayed down, and his fingers pushed into the tight waistband of Spike’s jeans, causing Spike to moan loudly.

“We’re gonna have to get rid of these,” Xander panted, pulling at the waistband roughly.

“Only if you promise to play fair,” Spike warned him, licking Xander’s jawbone.

“No promises. Not about that, anyway,” Xander grinned.

“My, my. Aren’t we a cheeky little bugger. Gonna tease the big bad vampire now, are we,” Spike teased. Xander leaned forward and scraped his teeth across Spike’s collarbone in answer. Spike’s hips jerked forward, grinding against Xander’s pelvis, and the two moaned in ecstasy. After a moment, Spike pulled back. “Yup. Definitely have to go.” He started tearing at the buttons of his fly violently. Xander contented himself with running his fingers lightly over the gasping vampire’s nipples and watching as Spike pulled his jeans past his hips, over his knees, and finally threw them across the room.

Spike’s cock sprung forth from its confines, and Xander would have giggled at the sight if he hadn’t been so utterly aroused. He ran a hand low across Spike’s pale hipbone, rejoicing in the shiver the vampire rewarded him with.

“Okay, luv. Ready?”

Xander nodded, and Spike leaned in to kiss him again. Then the two men were pressed together from head to toe, silken flesh sliding against heated flesh, goosebumps brushing against pebbled nipples as they writhed in passion. Tongues dueled, hands roamed, and loud groans of pleasure filled the otherwise silent room. Xander gasped again and again as his own hard cock rubbed sinuously against Spike’s, and Spike let out a low groan when Xander put one hand on his ass and pulled him closer, trying to increase the amount of friction. Just when Xander was sure he was about to explode, Spike pulled away. Xander whimpered at the loss of contact.

“Xander,” Spike said. “I want to do this right. Can I make love to you?” Xander didn’t even have to think about it. He wanted this man to be inside him, to fill him completely. He knew that this was what Spike wanted, and Spike loved him enough to make sure they both enjoyed it.

“Please,” Xander told him. Spike captured his mouth in another brief kiss before moving back. He didn’t say a word while he left the bed to pick up the tube of lubricant from the doorway in which he’d dropped it earlier. He moved back to the bed and kissed Xander again. Xander pulled away and moved to roll onto his stomach. Spike grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“No, Xan.”

“But I thought you wanted to…”

Spike chuckled. “You can say it, Xan. I want to make love to you. Yeah, I do. But there are other ways to do it. And I’d rather see your face when you’re screaming my name and coming. And I want you to see mine.” Xander nodded and kissed Spike again.

Spike opened the tube, then gently pushed Xander’s legs up so his knees were spread and pressed against his chest. Now he was fully open for Spike, who’s cock twitched at the sight. Spike squeezed a liberal amount of the lube onto his finger before gently trailing it up and down the dip between Xander’s cheeks. He played around with Xander’s tight hole, stroked his perineum, and stroked his hot sac. Xander thought he would die. Spike’s fingers were so slippery, and they were soft and hard in all the right places. Finally, Spike started to slip one finger into Xander’s hole. He encountered immediate resistance when Xander involuntarily tensed. Spike didn’t pull his finger out, but he didn’t push it in any further. Spike leaned down and kissed Xander’s lips, willing the boy to relax.

Spike murmured soothing sounds, his free hand brushing against Xander’s sensitive nipples. Finally he felt the tight ring of muscle start to relax, and he pushed in gently. This time, resistance was minimal.

Xander was feeling very interesting. Spike’s finger was cool, but it kind of burned. It wasn’t bad though. Different, and foreign, but not necessarily bad. He gasped when Spike pushed in harder, but he didn’t complain.

Spike was thrusting his finger in and out of Xander’s tight ring of muscle, the heat of being inside Xander making his toes curl. He decided it was time to show Xander what all this was about. He twisted his finger slightly, then crooked it three times quickly. Xander let out a yelp as light flashed behind his eyes, shutting down any other thoughts but the ones he was speaking aloud. “God, yes, more, please,” he chanted. Spike smiled, and pulled his finger out. Xander involuntarily moved with the fingers, dreading the loss of contact. Spike muttered something about “bloody impatient” and added more lube to his fingers before gently pushing two inside. Xander began to move in time with Spike’s thrusts, loving the feeling every time Spike crooked his fingers to touch that magical spot.

Finally Spike couldn’t wait any longer. The boy was plenty prepared. Spike squeezed more lube into his hand and rubbed it over his weeping cock, before positioning himself at Xander’s entrance.

“I love you, Xander. I want you to relax for me. It’s going to be so good,” he breathed.

“I love you too, Spike. I want you in me, please,” Xander panted back. Spike decided foreplay was over. Time to give them both what they wanted.

Spike slowly pushed forward, and as Xander’s burning heat enveloped him, he groaned. Xander’s voice joined in at the sensation of feeling so full. Then Spike began to thrust, angling himself so that every time he pushed forward, he pushed against that special spot, so Xander was constantly seeing stars. He pushed in and pulled almost fully out before pushing in again, going deeper and faster with every thrust.

As their labored breathing reached a crescendo, filled with gasped nonsensical words of adoration and rapture, Spike reached down and began pumping Xander’s throbbing hard-on in time with his quickening thrusts.

The pleasure building within Xander finally let go when Spike pushed in just right and pulled on his cock, swiping his thumb deftly across the head. He yelled out Spike’s name loudly, thrusting up as his cock jumped, spurting slick hot liquid across his abdomen, splashing over Spike’s tight stomach. When Xander came, all of his muscles clenched tightly, creating a vise where Spike’s cock was embedded, and Spike let out a strangled cry, yelling “Xander,” and Xander could feel Spike’s cock pulsing inside him as it shot wave after wave through his orgasm.

When Spike was finished, he collapsed on top of Xander, and they lay skin to skin for a few moments, trying to come back down, to regain consciousness. Both men were breathing hard, hands roaming through each others’ hair as they tried to regain their bearings. Finally, Spike pulled out of Xander, and rolled over to lay beside Xander on his back. He pulled Xander with him so the young man was curled into his chest.

“Wow,” Xander said after a few minutes, still catching his breath.

“Bloody right,” Spike said, amazed. A few more minutes of silence passed.

“That was really amazing,” Xander stated, still slightly in shock. He’d not only never been fucked that thoroughly in his life, but his orgasm had been more intense than any he’d known.

“Bloody right,” Spike replied. More silence.

“Spike?” Xander finally said.

“Yeah, luv,” Spike replied, kissing Xander’s forehead. The brunette lifted his head and looked into Spike’s blue eyes, a mischievous smile on his flushed face.

“We never got to use the chocolate syrup.”

“Gah,” answered Spike intelligently before his mouth was busily engaged in other, more exciting, pursuits.



The End











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