The 10 Commandments of the Church of Alcohol
The Gospel According to Nico Suave and Brother Stu
As Dictated on the Day of our Drink: Monday December 5th, 2005A.D.
1. Thou shall not consume beverages labelled as “alcopop” for they are the tools of the Sober. If thou cannot handle true alcohol in the form of beer, shot, or alcohol mixer, thou may not consume alcohol.
2. Thou shall only consume from party items (beer bongs, keg stands, etc) in moderation. If thou cannot stand, thou cannot keg stand
3. If thou passeth out in an area not designated as a bedroom, thou shall be shamed without mercy so that thou may learn from thy mistakes.
4. If thine inebriation is sufficient to become burdensome to fellow drinkers, thou shall be made to cleaneth up the mess made by the congregation of that night.
a. Even if thine friends inebriation is burdensome, thou shall not relegate thy duty to assist thy friend in any manner he may require, it is the duty of the drinkers to assist and aid anyone in need at the party.
b. Fighting and excessive drama (crying, yelling, etc) leading to the detriment of the mood at a party shall incur the same punishment.
5. If thine inebriation is sufficient that vomiting is necessary, thy punishment shall be to consume no alcohol at the next party thou chooseth to attend. Multiple offenders shall see thy punishment multiplied by the number of times thou hurleth on the following occasion.
a. Vomiting in thy friend and companions vehicle is a most serious offence, to make amends thou must cleaneth said vehicle to the owners satisfaction, punishments established in the Fifth Commandment shall be doubled for this offence.
6. As a member of the Church, it is thy Holy Duty to never hand alcohol to a companion too inebriated to handle said drink. To do so shall incur the wrath of God and the same punishment as mentioned in the Fourth Commandment.
7. Any encounter of a sexual nature between a drinker and a person of lesser appeal of the opposite sex is permissible, but not encouraged by the Church. Witnesses of said act are sworn by a Holy Bond of Alcohol to secrecy, only to be mentioned light-heartedly, and ONLY amongst witnesses of said act. Any violator of this Bond is subject to the punishment of the Witnesses and of the Actor.
a. Any admittance or secret divulged while under the influence of the Holy Alcohol, shall remain silent amongst the persons involved, mention of said admittance shall not be allowed, even to the parties involved. To break thine silence, will incur the punishment of the Admitter.
8. Any Drinker, making loud and obnoxious claims of the likes of: “I AM SO WASTED” that are audible by 5 or more companions will receive the same punishment as in the Fourth Commandment, as he/she has become detrimental to the Alcohol.
9. If thou has committed thyself to be at a certain place, at a certain time, be it pub, bar, nightclub, or other; thou art Bound to be there. Any cancellations must be made early enough so that the person thou were supposedth to meet, hath not already arrived, or is on thine way.
a. If a member of thy group is unable to enter a location, be it for his age, apparel, or other; it is the Duty of the group to find alternate plans. No Drinker shall be left behind or alone.
10. The Tenth Commandment is the Most important. Above all else, as a member of the Church, as a Drinker, and as a Human Being, it is your Duty to be an active member of any gathering. To uphold the aforementioned Commandments. And above All Else, to have a Good Time and ensure the Good Times of those around you.
