Complete honesty.
This past week it seems that I had a hard time being able to say anything to fight back the “you don’t know what you want” remark. But the truth is; I do know what I want…it’s that I don’t know how to go about getting to it. It’s much more complex than just going for the goal. I have written this in hopes to sort myself out a little bit; be able to see, written down, exactly what I’ve been trying to speak. I’ll hope that this not only does my mind justice for the time being…but that maybe it will help others understand the inner workings of my brain. It’s basically a heart written, detailed description of me and what I strive for.
I know that the first thing that belongs in this epic letter is what I want in myself; what I want to be. I want to make everyone happy, including myself, and I haven’t figured out how to balance it all. It seems that both never quite coincide. It’s a difficult process. I want to see the people I care about completely happy…because that is what truly makes me happy…but I have to be happy first, and happy with myself before I can try to fix other’s pain. Right now I’m not happy with who I am. I think, reflect, and over-analyze myself a lot…too much. I don’t know how to go about getting myself up to par. I’m a failure in my own eyes, and I’ve learned to accept the fact that I’ll never quite be able to step out of my own shadow…but for the rest of my life I’ll be in a constant battle to try to get as close to the light as I can…and therefore I constantly try to make little improvements to myself. I can’t make any large changes because I keep trying to make little ones in hope that they end up for the better. I almost always end up taking two steps backwards. I don’t want to make any big changes because change scares me. The thought of finding myself being very happy…and watching as everyone says “you’ve changed Autumn…you’re not the same person I knew…the person who was my friend.” is my second greatest fear. My greatest fear is being vulnerable. It scares me more than death to have everything out in the open…to know that I have nothing left to hide…to know that someone else has my life in their hands, and not knowing what they will do with that power. It’s the thought of them throwing it back in my face that terrifies me. So I’m not too apt to let myself be vulnerable any time soon. I constantly put up walls…I try not to let people see that I’m not as strong as I want to be; as I pretend to be. So I guess it all comes down to me being afraid of who I am…what I’m truly capable of…and in order to be this person everyone seems to want me to be…I have to learn not to be afraid.
I am determined to keep trying until I find my own piece of mind…until I can be the strong, fearless person I so desperately hope to be. I think the fact that I’m opening myself up to others, sharing this information, is the first big step to redemption. I want to not be afraid.
These are the much less intense parts of my life; the parts I know I’ll be able to easily attain if I haven‘t already. There is no difficulty to them. No secrets here.
The friends I need are the ones I have, and the best ones I could ask for. I know they care like crazy, and we’ll always be there for each other, even through the rough patches.
I have the boyfriend I want. He’s all I want, and I know that I’m completely happy with him. The only way to explain it is in my mother’s words;
“it’s better to date a lot while you’re young, so that when you get older you’ll know what you want in a guy, and what qualities you don’t want…so that when you find a right guy, you’ll know.”
School is pretty simple too...I’ve known that one for quite a while. I want to major is Psychology, minor in Theatre, and find a career is Criminal Psychology. I’m going to go to U of A unless I get a scholarship for a fantastic school out of state, which I’m honestly not going to push too hard for.
And that’s about it. This is me.