Pain 24/4/00
Today thinking back to when my parents noticed my arms, it hurt.
The last thing i want is hurt anyone else, thats why i don't tell.
I cut because i can't take what going on in my mind.
When i cut it dimes the pain and stress.
I wish people would understand that at the moment its out of my hands.
Soon as i'm better i'll be back in control.
Just now the pains to much, i can't take much more.
Connie
My eyes are almost shut, but can't get there.
I wounder if i'm like the Elm street children to scared to go to sleep.
Not because of Freddy but because of my impulsive past.
Incase i awake with the screams of sudden fear.
The past is the past but to me the past is present of everyday memories.
The nightmares i have are the acts of a half forgotten past.
What else remains to tell will ulmost certainly be unleashed.
Whats to remember till then is that the fear of fear is greater than the fear its self.
Connie
It will get better
Knife cutting slowly through my arm. Pain glorious physical pain.
What a differance from feeling the pain so deep and clear inside.
Now i have another scar to bear for the rest of my life.
Why all this pain, why all this hurt?.
Haven't we not endured enough in our lives without having to inflict more pain on ourselves.
Why let them make victims of us anymore.
We are survivers not victims so why do we act like victims?
It takes so long for the healing to make a differance in our everyday life.
We have to keep in mind, that life will get better.
Connie
We are survivers but sometimes when the pain gets to much we go back into victim mode.
THE FLY
i sat and thought today
of how it all could be
i cried and no one came
what's going on with me?
there's nothing left to say
i draw a silent scream
i try to cut away
i sit and wait to bleed
you're on my skin
no matter what i do.
your smell, your taste, your face
i'm sick of you
can't wash away the putrid stain
i'm knotted in
a state of blame
i hate you for what you've put me through!
i'm wonderin who's to blame
for what you've done to me
i don't hear what you say
your words don't help me heal!
i hate the games you play
it's just that i can't see
i start to drift away
takes all my strength to breath
you're on my skin
no matter what i do
your smell, your taste, your ugly face
i'm sick of you
can't wash away the putrid stain
so bottled up
a state of shame
i hate you for what you put me through!
nails in my hands
trying to be heard
blood on my face
i can't say a word
i don't owe you man!
why are you so cruel?
i'm broken for your sins
i can't take this shit from you!
my lips are sewn
you shut me up
my eyes are closed
no, swollen shut.
i hate myself for hating you but what can i do?
By Jay
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Let blood be my tears-
for my eyes have cried too long.
Let this blade be my savior-
for there is only so much you can do.
Let all these scars be a reminder
for the times my soul was numb.
Ang
I am fragile
I am fragile-
cracked beyond repair...
The pain seeps forth
in a sticky crimson hue...
I am fragile-
simple words can destroy me...
You think you can help me
but your words are hurtful too...
I am fragile -
my heart exposed and raw...
Would you like to steop upon it again
everyone else has too...
Ang
-------------------------------------------
Inside I was scarred and battered,
but no one could see the damage there.
You tried to mend the walls
and patch up the holes.
You made me want to trust,
you gave me back some feeling.
With you I was no longer numb,
no need to stay locked within myself.
I trusted,
I loved,
I believed in you...
But I guess my adoration
only amused you for son long.
You have torn down these walls
and smashed in the holes.
Numb once more from too much
pain kept hidden deep within.
You broke my trust, my heart, my faith...
and now inside I am scarred and battered.
Inside I was scarred and battered,
but no one could see the damage there.
You tried to mend the walls
and patch up the holes.
You made me want to trust,
you gave me back some feeling.
With you I was no longer numb,
no need to stay locked within myself.
I trusted,
I loved,
I believed in you...
But I guess my adoration
only amused you for son long.
You have torn down these walls
and smashed in the holes.
Numb once more from too much
pain kept hidden deep within.
You broke my trust, my heart, my faith...
and now inside I am scarred and battered.
Ang
ODE TO DEPRESSION
This pain is a part of me –
a dark stranger,
a demon possession.
It is a sickening comfort
in my darkest hours.
Though such unnamable anguish
carries me to my breaking point –
I have yet to be broken.
Those pompous men tried to pry
it from me!
with pink and blue pills they wanted to shatter its hold.
I wouldn’t let them end the torture-
I tricked them all – they believed it was all gone.
But it still lives lcoked within me…
And everyday it slices away at my heart –
though somedays it uses
a butcher knife instead of a razor…
…today is not one of those days.
Please don’t leave me to bleed
in this never ending silence…
My nights are damp, for all the
tears I’ve cried have filled up my room.
But still IT won’t let me drown.
Ang
HOPE
such a simple word to look at,
four plain letters neatly arranged…
Yet in that word lies my only
reason to go on living another day.
Why can’t you make it stop hurting?
Oh, that’s right – because you’re the one
that made it start.
My tears are filled with ink –
My agony, a pen.
My body is the canvas :
My pain spelled out in scars.
I want to hold you forever –
to feel nothing but your
breath upon my face…
to know nothing but your
undying love for me…
to see nothing but your
eternally beautiful face…
to hear nothing but
our hearts forever in sync…
to believe in nothing but
the honesty of your gaze…
I want to hold you forever.
------------------------------
Thank you so much for letting me put these up here.
Ang
Spider
Adventurer once in the depths of my mind,
Seeking in darkness the wonders I'd find;
'Til one night in my chamber, a vision I saw,
Hovering gracefully, just off the floor.
A dark sparkling shape looming out of the haze,
So beautiful then, to my wondering gaze,
As gently it landed, right by where I lay,
Already attracted, I asked it to stay.
A suggestion of shimmering wings in the air,
As spider legs brushed me, like soft strands of hair.
It reached out and touched me, I welcomed it in-
And thus did this bittersweet nightmare begin.
For little I knew what that sight did betoken;
Oblivious I to the force I'd awoken.
As slowly that spider took over my soul,
Seductively seeping past my self-control
So subtly my heart it began to devour
Delicious destruction, my comfort and power
'Til one day my eyes opened, the dark blinkers fell,
And I saw I'd created my own living Hell
I fought to escape from it, battered and sore
But the spider web tightened around me still more
The more that I struggled in panicking flight,
The further the bonds of my nature pulled tight.
Eight days to accept that my flight was in vain
Eight days 'til I welcomed that darkness again.
Consuming my nights now and filling my days,
How well have I learned that the sword cuts both ways!
No longer I seek for escape as my goal,
But instead just to grasp the last shreds of control,
Eternally drawn by that quenchless desire,
Like a moth to the flame of the funeral pyre.
For there too I find you, four arms open wide-
And "fear not" you bid me, as once more I slide;
And we dance in the ashes of all I have been...
Will I ever leave you? Remains to be seen.
By Hadilath
Thanks you very much it is a great poem that touched my heart.
That Night
The Kictchen, a dark hell.
I walk in, in dark
go over to the shelf
pull out a knife
My hands are shaking
My whole body is shaking
Then i raise the sharp knife
then slowly bring it down.
To my bare arm
one slice, then another and another
A thick red liquid oozes out of my shaking arm.
I move the knife away
a raging pain like no other.
Then slash away at the other arm
The pain is like no other before.
Tears streaming down my face.
Then i go and wash away the blood
wipe it down and replace the knife on the shelf.
The scars are reminders of that night and will always be.
Rachael Lamb 19th February 2002
I FEEL!! I FEEL!!
RELIEF, SWEET RELIEF
NO MORE VOLCANOS ERUPTING
NO MORE ANGER TO CONTROL
RELIEF
AND CLEANLINESS
SOOOO CLEAN
NO NEED TO BE PUNISHED
ACCEPTED BY ME
AND PEACE, BLESSED PEACE
AT PEACE WITH GOD
PEACE THAT REALLY MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE A PART OF THE HUMAN RACE!
JVickers
HELLLLLLLLLP ME!!
AGONIZING FEAR
RUNNING RAMPID
THROUGHOUT MY BODY.
SCREAMS, OH WILL THEY NOT STOP?
SILENT SCREAMS
SOOOOOOOO DEAFENING!
FEAR, ANGER, CONFUSION ABOUD.
IS THERE ANY HOPE
ANY HOPE TO BE FOUND?
HELP ME ESCAPE
MY LIVING HELL
WHERE THE MIND IS FILLED
WITH SCREAMS OF TORMENT
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
AND THE TERROR OF THE NIGHT.
HELP ME OR LET ME DIE!!!!!!!!!!
JVickers