Noah

  I just wanted to take a minute to talk to Mr. Bin Laden and, in general, all
  these folks who seems to be rather upset with us back in the US of A.

  I won’t claim that I really understand what about us seems to be getting your
  goat … I do know that I personally have done nothing to any of your goats,
  despite what you might have read on bathroom walls.  So I’m going to assume
  that the problem is you really just don’t know us.  Sure, we may seem like
  the Great Satan upon first impression, but really we’re awfully nice.

  The United States is totally awesome, and if you ever visited I’m sure you’d
  agree.  To begin with, there’s a ton of water parks and every block has
  either a Starbucks or a Barnes and Nobles with a Starbucks in it.  Seriously.
  Plus, McDonald’s is guaranteeing that they’ll have lunch for you in 90
  seconds these days.  And they have this dollar menu, including two hot apple
  pies for a dollar -- TWO FOR A DOLLAR.  I know!

  And the American people are just super nice.  There’s this really hot girl
  here who sings and dances in her underwear -- all the while assuring us that
  she’s a virgin.  Plus, this one guy hit, like, 73 home runs this year and
  Drew Carey and Regis Philbin are on TV all the time.

  Oh, American TV is great.  There’s this one show where robots fight each
  other and another one where really awful people get stranded on a desert
  island together.  Plus, did you know that Rachel is pregnant with Ross’s
  baby?  Yeah, really.  You’re probably still getting reruns from back when
  they all had really big hair.  We usually have a lot of awards shows, too,
  though lately they keep getting canceled.

  I haven’t even touched on movies yet -- there’s this excellent one where a
  guy has sex with a pie -- or your shopping opportunities (three letters
  G-A-P) -- or your options for reading (they have chicken soup for just about
  everybody by this point).

  You seem kinda cheesed at the president, and I don’t get that at all.  He’s
  kind of aloof and occasionally starts speaking in Latin to show how smart he
  is, but his staff is really funny and good looking and they talk really fast
  and repeat each other -- wait, that’s actually The West Wing, never mind.

  So … look … I’d invite you to visit, but I know air travel is a major pain
  these days.  If you send me your mailing address I could get some friends to
  chip in and buy you a gift subscription to Entertainment Weekly.  They can
  let you in on all the cool stuff you’re missing, usually in convenient list
  form.

  Dude, I tell you, you don’t know what you’re missing.  When this whole thing
  is over, we are going to be sitting around listening to Sugar Ray, throwing
  back some Zimas and you’re gonna be like “Dude, I totally don’t know what I
  was doing.  My bad.”

  And I’ll be like, “Dude, chill, have another chalupa.  It’s all good.”