Irish Jokes Here is wide selection of Irish jokes, from the dry to the dumb. One of the great Irish traits is their ability to make fun of themselves and they have perfected the trait. Many thanks to all of you have sent us these jokes and all the others we can't print. An English man and an Irish man are driving head on at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, who toasts, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, who replies: ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!'' Murphy sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!" Murphy was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace. "'Tis a beautiful animal, Mr. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin'." "Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I tracked him for over two days and when I finally shot him it took six men to load him in the jeep." Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Murphy said, "Truly, 'tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him?" O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an emergency in her bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told O'Malley: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclamed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?" Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?" Tim and Mick had stepped back into the brush to answer the call of nature. As they were blessing the soil with the golden elixer, Tim said, "Sure, an' I wish I was hung like you are, Mick. Yours is big enough that ye need four fingers to hold it." Mick glanced over and said, "Ah, now, Timothy, I see you're usin' four fingers." "I am," Tim shot back, "but I'm wettin' on three of 'em." O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his present trimmee about the price of barbers' services. "I tell you, O'Rourke, these New York barbers gotta stranglehold on the citizens. I was in London just last week, and you charge me half again what they charge there." "That may be true, Sir," said the Irishman, "but think of the airfare." Newly arrived in Boston from the old country, Paddy O'Shea called his brother back home. "Sean, it's amazin, these American cities. On most every street, they got glass outhouses, and it's telephones they put in 'em!" Big Mick Lonegan was rather active in the area of sexual athletics. He was...well, stud is probably the best description. Of late, he had been feeling run-down. Finally he gave in and went to see a doctor. "Well, Doctor, I'm thinkin' I have sex with maybe twelve -- fifteen of the lasses each week...on an av'rage week," he boasted. "Hmmmm. I'm sure that's your trouble, Mr. Lonegan," said the doctor. "That much sex is just too much work. You probably held your own in your youth, but when you get to your mid-forties, your body just isn't up to that any more. I suggest you cut back to, say seven times a week. Once a day. See if you don't start to feel better." Relief plainly showing on his broad features, Mick said "It's a relafe, it is, what you're tellin me. I was thinkin' perhaps me problem was me masturbatin'." As the years went by, Big Mick Lonegan just couldn't perform the way he used to. His doctor told him that it was normal for a man's sexual drive to decrease with advancing years, but Big Mick wasn't having any. He kept pumping away, determined to prove that he remained the man he always was. But the banshee of Old Age is persistent, and finally Big Mick admitted defeat...of a sort. He was determined to salvage what he could of his dignity. He went to his doctor, and told the doc that he couldn't stand his sex life like this any more; he wanted to be castrated. The doctor told Big Mick he didn't think that such drastic measures were called for, but Mick persisted. Finally the doctor agreed to perform the operation. Two days after the surgery, Mick was sitting in one of the local Irish-style taverns, sucking on a beer and trying to ignore the still-present pain. In the next booth he overheard part of a conversation: "' Oi don't know what's to become of the Parish...Father Sullivan's suggestin' that there's probably nothin' wrong with circumcision...." "Circumcision!" roared Big Mick Lonegan. "THAT'S the word!" Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" What do you call a big Irish spider? Paddy-long-legs. Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign that read TREE FELLERS WANTED. "Oh, now, look at that," said Paddy. "What a pity there's only de two of us!" Did you hear about the Irish monster who went to night school to learn to read in the dark? Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot? He flew ninety-nine missions . . . An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him. "I'll see, sir," said the clerk. "What is your name?" "You're having me on now because I'm Irish," said the Irishman. "Won't you see the name on the envelope?" Did you hear about the Irishman who was stranded for an hour when the escalator broke down? Murphy took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler. He went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one. Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." "An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" "Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music." It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one was neither of us." Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." May good luck be your friend In whatever you do And may trouble be always A stranger to you. As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!" Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest. "Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!" "Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you." "That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?." "Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again." "Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed, "And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... " As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the Father." "No." "Was it Rosie Kelly?" "No." "Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?" "No." "Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven." When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!" Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again" Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!" An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'." A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass." 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God" 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister." The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*." A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. "Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." "You've Thinned?" "Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." "Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." "Will that wash away me Thin?" "No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!" Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!" One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!" Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin" Eager to fight for their new country three immigrants an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman joined the American Army. The quartermaster asked them how much underwear they needed to be issued before shipping overseas. "Four," said the Italian. "Why four?" asked the Quartermaster. "Why, one for each week of the month," the Italian replied. The Frenchman was asked how many. "Seven," he replied. "One for each day of the week." The Quartemaster looked at the Irishman, who replied "Twelve." Three pairs of eyebrows went up. The Irishman explained, "One for January, one for February...." Katherine had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride. In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now." The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off." Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents." "Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonegan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?" The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute." "Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up. Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be wiling." "Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't me your dog was a catholic!!!?" One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the ame little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the priest. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber." The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish." An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman) to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town! Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'" Father O'Malley is so upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation. So on the next Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes they've ever set eyes on a ghost? "To his dismay a lot show their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must. Is there any one in church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said O'conner"Oops Father, thought you said Goat!" Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale" Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister." Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?" Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?" St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you." Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan." Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?" It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin' poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I've got bad news for Pat, your heart's near given out and you've only two months to live." Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I've had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I've no complaints." "Let's be off to the Pub where I'm after havin' a pint with me friends." Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat "Ah Patty how are you feelin' today", says one. "Not good Mike, I've been to the doctors and he says I've two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what's ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have the aids." After a few moments Seamus gets his father alone and says, "Da, it's not aids that ya have, it's a heart condition." "Sure don't I know that, I just don't want them old buggers trying to sleep with your Ma when I'm gone." Mrs Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. She goes to the cemetary's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director "What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetary, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course that's it, everything was in my name" Father Flannigan, an elderly priest invited Father O'Connell, a younger priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father Flannigan, ever since the Father O'Connell came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father O'Connell I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we have the opportunity to do so again. On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found. Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father Flannigan, I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor. On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking." Recipe for Irish Stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew. The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!" One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again." She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself." Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German". Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?" After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool we'll have to piss in the boat. Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee." Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave." Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?" Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!" Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!" Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!" Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A botlle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too." "Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!" Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees." They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone." O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesnt yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Dont worry lads, I'll take care of this. They dont call me sweet talker for nuttin. Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow." Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint." For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!" Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together. Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back. Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across. Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;"Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?" Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver'. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face. Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question, "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass" OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass" OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass" Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...." Q. What is Irish diplomacy? A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!" An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.The IRA man says"Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out! A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place. Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screams, Slattery its only 8.45, why did you shoot him, Slattery replies, well I know where he lives and he would never have made it by 9.00. These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy." The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either.". "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply. Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.""Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war." SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will.""Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?""Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!" Paisley died and went to heaven, when he got there me knocked long and hard on the door. St.Peter came out and asked his name. YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY HE ROARED AT ST. PETER. St.Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. Sorry say's St.Peter your not on the list. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM??? As a matter of fact I do said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter try's to explain that its not easy to get into heaven, and that you have to be a Catholic, when Paisley hears this he starts to complain, so St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics that he have some chance. Well roared Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERYGood TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND 2 WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I HAVE HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER ??? St. Peter took a few notes on what he said, he told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley. HEARS YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW go to hell. A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer. The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other." The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too." Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!" An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing." A boasting American said to O'Connor, back in the States we can erect a block of skyscrapers in about 2 weeks. O'Conner replied, we can start a row of houses in the morning and on the way home from work the bailiffs will be putting the tenants out for being behind with the rent. Mick was showing an American some Irish marrow's and the American said that they had gherkins as big as marrow's. Then Mick showed him some cabbages, the American said that in the States they had brussel sprouts as big as them and that American cabbages are about 3 feet in diameter. Eventually the American pointed to some old gasometers and asked what they were. Mick replied there saucepans for cooking American cabbages. When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes! His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan. Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite. Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!" Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way! A visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years. Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them. Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field. Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!" "T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!" How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God. Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea? A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance." Q: What were the Republicans doing while the Loyalists were building the Titanic? A: Building an iceberg. Pat went out and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box. Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory. At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box. "But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20." "Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and sex ' in Philadelphia." Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan. It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland. The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone. The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!". The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that damn truck!!" Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! "OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North" "Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north westerly direction." Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?" Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!" One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin. "Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?." "Logic" replied Mick. "What's Logic?" said Pat. "Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!" Mick: "So probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions. An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?". Pat: "Logic!" Shamey: "And What's Logic?" Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?" Shamey: "I Do!" Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!" Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man. "What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked. "Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......" "But about your foot.....?" "This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing." "What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently. "Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle." A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !" Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!" Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!" Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!" Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex-wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself. Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him." Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday. A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using." Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "that's them". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cageup there," says Gerry, "Put them in a paper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'|. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Screw that, this budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me" A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bejasus that parrotshootin is too dangerous for me." A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Acchh, first their was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, them Seamus parrotshootin and now you hen gliding" Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place. Young Mary O'Reilly thought she was a bit pregnant, and it being the first time she went to see the doctor, to see if all was right. Coming home to her husband Paddy, she explained the doctor said he needed a sample. Not wanting to seem ignorant of such things she had waited to ask Paddy what "a sample" was. Paddy not knowing either said: "Go see the widow O'Malley, next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound to know. So young Mary wanders off to the widow O'Malley's. She comes back about ten minutes later, her dress all torn, he hair a shambles, her face all scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to you" And Mary answers: "Well I went to the widow O'Malley and asked her what a sample was. Pee in a bottle she says. Shit in your hat, I say. And the fight was on..." Bridget Quinn was the parish's oldest surviving "eligible bachelor-ette." She's already outlasted two pastors! She never gives up hope. Never seems to run out of man-hunting stunts, either. Her latest effort -- at the parish annual singles dance -- was a classic. She jumped up on the bandstand, her right hand clenched into a fist, raised high, and then she saucily announced: "Any one of you handsome, virle devils who can guess what's in me' hand can win a week's worth of romantic, candlelight dinners -- just da' two of us, me an' you!!! Nobody spoke up. Dead silence. Then, a witty, older senior gentleman shouts out, "Is it an elephant?" Miss Quinn squealed for joy: "Glory be to God, that's close enough - - - dinner tis' at seven, me boyo!" St. Patrick's Skull Bud Nelson, from New York; flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls. "What are you doing?" asked the American. "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him 50.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub. People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five-year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "God", said Bud, "What are you doing?" "I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman. "And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud. "Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!" said the Irishman. "That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!" "Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...god bless his soul." "Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?" "That's correct!" said the Irishman. "Well!" said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick." "Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now! You see... This is St. Patrick when he was a boy!" O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!" MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by. "What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon. "Fishin'," said MacAndrews. "Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite," "What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms" "Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out. "Have ye got a bite?" asked 'Bannon. "No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!" Finnegan sold Clancy a donkey, three weeks later they met in Murphys pub and Clancy says "Hi Finnegan, that bloody donkey you sold me went and died" Finnegan just sipped his pint and chirped up."By jesus it never done that on me!!" The entire family were at Shannon Airport to see Patrick, Colleen & the children off to Australia. Patrick thought it a good idea to get a photo of the occasion as a keepsake. They asked a fellow traveller to take the picture with Patrick's old camera. The family stood still for what seemed like a lifetime. They were getting a bit fidgety: Colleen says " Sure, what's taking so long Patrick"?? Patrick "Well love, he's got to focus first" Colleen " What, all of us!!!" A man stumbles up to the only other customer in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man. Curious, the and the first man asks: "What school did!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again." From Dave, Somewhere on this planet Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake??? One less drinker!!! What do you call the man In the middle of a thousand Irishmen??? Bartender!!! Thanks to Marty for these short but sweet jokes! Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord", he implored, "let it be blood!!" "Irishman's Loss" An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out," said the Irishman. "Irish Shopping" McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!" Two Irishmen Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the poor lasses must be gravely ill." German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans, 25,000 years ago, had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits, 35,000 years ago, already had a nationwide fiber net. Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish, 55,000 years ago, had cellular telephones. Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!" The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad Was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water." Irish Jokes An Irishman walked into a pub in Sydney and asked the barman for a pint of Guiness for himself and a thimbleful of whiskey for his friend. He then pulled a tiny little bloke out of his breast pocket and plonked him on the bar. ' Is that a leprechaun ?' asked the barman. ' No,' said the Irishman. ' It's an Australian with all the bullshit squeezed out. ' he added. A large Irishman was holding up a telegraph pole while a little Irishman stood on his shoulders with a tape measure.A passer-by said, ' Wouldn't it be easier to lay it on the ground to measure it ?' And the big Irishman said, ' Look, we already know it's length.' And the little Irishman said, ' Now we want to find it's height.' An Irishman lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup. And another hundred on the replay. Reilly always slept with a gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.. 'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' he said at the pub. 'I would have blown my head off.' An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter. 'I'd like a return ticket.' 'Where to ?' 'To here !' says the Irishman. An Irish surgeon has just been admitted to the 'Guiness Book of Records'. He was the first medical man to separate a Siamese cat