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"It is infinitely better to transplant a heart than to bury it to be devoured by worms."
-- Christiaan Barnard, South African surgeon In "Time," 31 Oct 1969.

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Dog Hause Funny Animal Stuff
: February 29, 2000

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Dogs Don't Use Computers
Next President Were a Dog
Mapping of the Cat Brain
You Are a Dog Person
Seeing Eye Dog Joke
I have learned from my cats
Take cats on vacation
Doggie at the Movies
Cats by Dave Barry
Moms and Dogs

Does Your Cat Own You?
Does Your Dog Own You?
Seeing Eye Dog Joke 2
Dog Is More Intelligent
Signs You Have a Dumb Cat
Gone To a Bad Veterinarian
Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
Miss America Dog Pageant
Photograph Your Puppy
Give Your Cat a Pill

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers - Author unknown but copied from The Dogpatch Doghouse

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of news groups,'s.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *

( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

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Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog
As presented on the July 8, 1994 (7/8/94) broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Doggy door on oval office

9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker

4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)

1. One word: sausage-gate

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Mapping of the Cat Brain

Originally published in MS Magazine, Vol III, #1, July/August 1992--HR

| Obsession with     | Mysterious Adoration of  | Barf Gland|
| Imaginary Insects  | just one spot on the bed |           |
| Search and  | Inexorable    | Short Circuit   |           |
| Destroy     | fear of       | that makes purr-| Licking   |
| lobe for    | Vacuum        | ing kitty an    | Gland     |
| Expensive   | Cleaners      | arm-shredding   |------------
| Imported    |---------------| Maniac in Two   | Total     |
| Textiles,   | Can Opener    | seconds         | drive to  |
| Ceramics    | sonar         | ----------------| be where  |
------------------------------| Asthmatic       | they are  |
| Shedding Freshly |    *     | person locator  | forbidden |
| vacuumed         |----------------------------| to go     |
| surfaces cortex  | Infatuation with people    |-----------|
|------------------| who hate cats              | Inability |
| hatred of dogs   |----------------------------| to get    |
|------------------|    | along with|
                        | new cat   |

* Commitment Spot (gets larger when can opener sonar is activated)

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You know you're a dog person when...

  • You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
  • You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
  • You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.
  • Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
  • 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.).
  • You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
  • No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes.
  • You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
  • You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
  • Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
  • The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
  • You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
  • All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
  • The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
  • Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).

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Seeing Eye Dog Joke

There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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Things I have learned from my cats:

  • Make the world your playground.
  • Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps
  • If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
  • When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
  • Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
  • Nap often.
  • When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
  • Life is hard, and then you nap.
  • Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
  • When in doubt, cop an attitude.
  • Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
  • Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
  • Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
  • Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

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Top 5 reasons to take you cats with you on vacation:

  1. They will starve if left home alone.
  2. You love having cat hair on your clothes so much, you thought you would share it with your car pool buddies for the next year, since it is impossible to remove from the car seats.
  3. You really want to have cat litter in your soda while driving.
  4. The dash needed a few claw marks.
  5. So when stoped for doing 90 you can say ""I'm sorry officer, but I need to have my cat surgically removed from my leg. Where is the nearest hospital?"

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Doggie at the Movies

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

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Cats According To Dave Barry

Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know."

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Moms and Dogs
Heard on CJAD on George Balcan's Bad Joke Friday:

A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich." The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth. The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!" The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."

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Does Your Cat Own You?
See how many yes answers apply to you.

  • Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
  • Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
  • Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
  • Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?
  • Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
  • Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
  • Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
  • Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
  • Does your cat sleep on your head?
  • Do you like it?
  • Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
  • Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
  • Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
  • Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
  • Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
  • Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

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Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

  • You believe every dog is a lap dog.
  • If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
  • You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
  • You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
  • You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
  • You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
  • No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).
  • You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
  • You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
  • You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
  • You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
  • You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
  • Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
  • When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
  • You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
  • You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
  • Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

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Seeing Eye Dog Joke 2

This blind guy, wearing dark glasses, a trench coat and using a walking cane, goes into a video store with his German shepherd seeing eye dog. The blind guy proceeds to walk around for a few minutes then picks his dog up by the tail and swirls him around in circles above his head, The clerk notices this alarming sight and says "Hey Mac!!! What the heck are you doing??!!!" The blind guy replies back...."just looking around"

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Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room

8. Ice floating in toilet water

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep

6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing plant

5. You can never find the leftovers

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel

3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"

1. Your apartment keys no longer work

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"Signs You Have a Dumb Cat"
As presented on the 1/10/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling cessna

9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window

8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis

7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King

6. Gets between the president and a plate of nachos

5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of a question

4. Let Fox network get NFL Football

3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come

2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the clapper

1. Asks to be neutered by Bob Barker personally

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David Letterman's Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Veterinarian

10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably, "Monkey?"

9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.

8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!

7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.

6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."

5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's annual neutering."

4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"

3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.

2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.

1. He bites!

Bonus indication you may have gone to the wrong vet......
Sign in front:
Joe's vet and taxidermy.
Either way you get your dog back.

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"Signs You Have a Dumb Dog"
As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"

9. Buries tail, wags bones

8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products

7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day

6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face

5. Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head

4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word

3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman

2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out

1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

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"Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs"
As presented on the 7/18/95 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat

9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney

8. New sniffing competition

7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head

6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges

5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick

4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat

3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers

2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet

1. Points taken off for mange

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How to Photograph Your Puppy

  1. Remove film from box and load camera.
  2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
  3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
  5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
  6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  8. 8.Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
  10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
  12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
  13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
  16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
  17. Fix a drink.
  18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps

  1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
  2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
  4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
  5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
  6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
  7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
  8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
  9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
  10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.

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