About to interview The Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb's chief conspirator and guitar terrorist Jed*, his cohorts are providing a curious background soundtrack…
Juan*: "Can we make weird animal noises?"
Hazel*: "Cows, ducks and monkeys, you guys!"
Jed: "and baby ox…"
Part media stunt, part post-avant-garde artrock collective, The Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb are anything but a band ("a band requires proper songs, rehearsals, crap like that,"). They're also, if you believe the hype, Hamilton's Next Big Thing. And proud.
"The Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb could not exist in any other town except Hamilton, because Hamilton is so full of people that suck," declares Jed, "they're trying to like bands they just don't understand. And so that's the idea of The Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb, if we can get them to like us."
The Sadies' ranks, comprising an ever-expanding array of technicians, journalists, ex-musicians and scenesters, don't much care for artistic ability ("we can't play a note!" Jed proclaims proudly). To them, image is everything.
"You've got to look good on stage. Or at least we do, 'cause we can't play. It's a common courtesy to your audience." This is where the other band members come into use: "Cynthia*'s the good-looking blonde drummer…Hazel's not so bad herself. You need good-looking chicks if you're going to pull a crowd these days. Especially in Hamilton."
Surprisingly, the crowd-pulling tactics work. For while the Sadies may boast a 100% walkout rate from their gigs, the crowds keep coming. Jed seems awestruck at the logic. "We go out of our way to be as loud and offensive as possible and people still come to our gigs. And I don't understand why."
We likely won't be hearing from the Sadies any time soon. Jed believes recording music is selling out, and anyway, "The Sadie Hawkins Atom Bomb don't write songs. We wouldn't even if we could." Which is just as well, because apparently they're crap anyway ("on the scale of crap bands, they're so crap they're not even on the scale of crap bands" sneers local guitar-boy and would-be Sadie SophieX*). Crap insignificant, it would seem. As Jed explains, stirring at a heavily-sweetened Burger King coffee, "the world will only notice us when the world has absolutely nothing better to do. It's as simple as that."

*All names have been changed. Don't ask why, the band just felt like it.