Wednesday, July 16th, 2003

Oh man, did I fall behind on this thing! At least, that's how it feels.

First of all, I bought a new car. My mom spotted it at Triangle Motors, the place where she bought her new car (a 96 Mercury Sable) and my dad bought his truck (a 90 something Ford Ranger). Since the rest of the family had already been there, it seemed like it was my turn to go. My mother's eyes had fallen upon a 99 Dodge Neon Sport, with a platinum-shiny paint job, rear surfboard-style spoiler, power everything, moon roof, awesome stereo, cool hubcaps, and best of all, it was an automatic with some punch to it.

Needless to say, I took it for a test drive on Monday, fell in love with it, bought it Monday, then picked it up on Tuesday and said a tearful goodbye to the faithful Honda (a.k.a. "Speedy"). Now I'm cruising with Speedy Version 2.0 (gosh that was a bad joke), and I LOVE IT!!!!!! I don't think I've ever been this excited about a car before. It didn't even have 50, 000 miles on it yet (it had 47,000 some) and it even had tinted windows and rain guards on them so that you don't get rained on when you open the door to pull out your umbrella (or when you don't feel like doing much and go out to, oh I don't know, Wendy's and you leave your window down at the drive-thru window and the rain just plops into your car and onto you). Best of all, the car is entirely in my name, and my loan to pay it off (I got it for roughly 7,900 dollars when all was said and done) has a nice 7.99 rate (which was the lowest I could get on my, apparently ,excellent credit (cha-ching!)).

So, I'm a happy camper. But not just because of that, but because I had my first date on the weekend before I bought the car. Yep, I had a date! See, my boss Angel told me about this cashier her husband had hired at his hardware store, and how nice she was, and how sweet she was, and how single she was, and I decided to go down and see what this was all about. Well, Brian (Angel's husband) introduced us to each other, and we got to talking, and before I knew it, my lunch time was gone, I went to buy a Coke, and the girl wrote her phone number on the back of the receipt and told me to call her sometime.

Her name? Katie Swiglo. She's an elementary education major at York College, with one year left to go. She's intelligent, she talks as much as I do (and that's saying a lot sometimes), and we share a passion for things deep and philosophical. She's not ultra pretty, and she's not super-thin either, and she's not really shy (which is my number one turn-on)(like you really needed to know that), but I knew that I liked her enough to ask her out so we could talk some more.

We went out to Rocky Ridge County Park and took a walk, and then ate dinner together. During the walk, she mentioned that she went to the Church of Christ Science, which I had never heard of before. Now, for me to be serious about a girl, I knew that religion was going to play a big part, so I looked this up when I got home.

Turns out that the Church of Christ Science is believed by many to be a cult. I know, my heart pretty much sank too. These people believe that Jesus was not God's son, but just "some guy" who died on a cross and even "hid" in the tomb, to reveal to the world that sin and death are illusions, and that nothing in this world is real, and that spirituality is the only real thing. They also seperate Jesus from the word Christ, and say that Jesus was not "the" Christ, but one of the many representations of the Christ, which they believe to be some kind of power, similar to the Force from Star Wars.

I could go on about some of the wackier things I read, but I won't. Katie and I are still friends, and we'll remain that way I think. I just can't be serious about her, although from what Angel tells me she's totally smitten for me and also thinks I'm drop-dead gorgeous. As my dad said when he heard that, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I added, "And also in the eye of the beer holder."

If nothing else, I learned a lot from meeting and going out with Katie. I learned that gallant and charming does still work with the ladies, and that there are girls who appreciate my off-the-wall humor and blathering on about writing techniques and fiction critiques and the beauty of the world around us that God painted when He made everything. So, whenever the next one comes around (and there will be a next one, I'm sure of that now and forever), I'll be ready to sweep her off her feet.

But, until then, I'm happy right where I am, for once.

This is probably due to my new medication, which is doing what it's supposed to do: make me more capable to handling things and to stabilize my life. I didn't get nervous or anxious when I bought the car or went on the date, and I didn't stutter or stammer or fret over these things. Mind you, I got a wee bit depressed and in the pits when I realized that Katie couldn't be anything more than just a friend, because she would have made a great girlfriend, but I didn't sink and stay there, which is what I'm used to doing.

And most of all, a prayer was answered. I had prayed for two things, quietly, in my mind. One of them was a newer car, and that wasn't even that strong of a prayer, nor that frequent; I just knew that the Honda wasn't going to last forever. Second, I prayed more feverently, for a date to the Shakespeare play, and I have one: Katie said that she'd really like to go.

If anyone, including Katie, needs proof of God's existence, I have your proof right there. It took Him a while (and I don't mean that in a bad way), but when I finally gave up worrying about it, that's when things happened. And I put myself right back in that spot today: I said "Lord, I learned a lot from Katie, and I want to thank you for giving me a friend. Keep on guiding me and leading me to "her," Lord, the one that will fill this heart with love, the one you set aside for me, and let her know I'm looking for her. I put it in your hands, Lord, because I trust you and your Son and the words you gave to me and so many others in the Bible."

"Oh, and thanks for the new car. Amen."

:-)

I'm working on a new format for Star Child, my old book series, and I'm looking towards the future once more, one day at a time. Not every day is perfect, but it's starting to feel like I can handle every day, instead of "Oh man, do I have to get up again?"

That's what I call change.

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2003

This was a perfect day.

Really.

I've had good days before, but this was just...sent from Heaven. Literally.

The nice thing that happened was that I woke up on time for an early morning appointment with the new psychiatrist. I officially decided to change medications, due to a new side effect that was brought on by taking the anti-depressant at a different time. I'm not comfortable talking about it, but suffice it to say that it was enough to make me want to change it right away. Dr. Foster gave me the intstructions on how to take the new medications, and I remembered to write down what she told me so I wouldn't forget it.

She put me on a different anti-depressant and added a mood stabilizer in case I started bouncing back and forth like I did before. I'm to take the mood stabilizer first, and I started that tonight, and then after so many days start taking the new anti-depressant. I'm excited, and I know that whatever happens, God will pull me through it.

After the appointment (which was shorter than I had expected), I went over to Borders (which was only some five minutes away). It was early in the morning, they weren't really busy yet, they were playing oldies music, and I just wandered around. It was a gorgeous day out, too...I just couldn't get over how blue the sky was. Anyway, I'm in Borders, meandering around and I stopped by the manga (Japanese comics, most Anime is based on this) section. Like I said, my interest has been seriously waning in this stuff, and it almost hit rock-bottom when I saw just how much drivel there was on display.

Until I saw the volume of Revolutionary Girl Utena that was only 9.99, and was a piece of the series that I hadn't read or seen as an Anime.

I picked it off the shelf, opened it, and started reading. 45 minutes later, I realized that I had lost track of time, got lost in the story and Chiho Saito's absolutely gorgeous artwork and heavily stylized characters and costumes. I decided to head to the checkout, buy the book, and head out to my car. Not sure what else I wanted to do, I filled my car with gas (I know this has nothing to do with the perfect day whatsoever, but the funny thing was that I was low on it (low like "Oh crap, it can't be that low, can it?" low) and there was an Exxon right across from the Borders that I had really paid no attention to before; I love how God makes things like that work out), and decided to get myself some lunch.

There's this bank near the Borders that's been closed up for a while, and since they never weed it or anything, there was these giant trees that provide perfect shade. I took my lunch with me, parked my car underneath a giant tree and found that not an inch of sunlight was making it into my car, and ate and finished reading Utena volume 3. As stated on the left side-bar, Utena is a continual inspiration to me, because Kunihiko Ikuhara and Chiho Saito injected their own opinions about relationships, adolesence, high school, growing up, growing old, innocence, possession, materialism, and just about every facet of humanity you can think of into Utena, both in the manga and Anime.

Filled with imagination fuel and a tremble in my heart and being moved so deeply by Utena, I decided to take the long way home and get ready for work.

Work was perfect, too, even though one thing did break (e-mail didn't work right for a while) and Joe had to come in and help me at night. I walked outside with him and he stood there and smoked a cigarette and he just started talking about his philosiphies on work, and what he wants to do here at PeoplesBank, and what his hopes are for me and my future as well. Mind you, he's not saying that he knows what's best for me (people who say that are not your friends by any means), but he's saying that he wants to guide me on a career path, which is what a guy who's position is basically my boss should be doing. I can't get over the difference between Joe and Shela...it's rather surprising, considering I was scared to death of her.

So, I come home from work on this perfect day, take my new medication, and have just enough energy to write this before I go to bed. The weather was beautiful, I was able to watch the sunset (I have a great view from the branch parking lot, and that's become my new hobby)(hey, at least I'm addicted to those and not something like caffeine, right?), which is just another example of how God made this world beautiful. This is going to sound sappy, but I can honestly feel His love, and His hand on me more often than ever before. I don't dread being creative anymore, like I used to...I know it'll come in handy someday, and that I'll be able to do something great with it that will get a good message across to people about Him and His love.

But, for now, I finally realized what it meant when you say that you love God and His son, Jesus Christ, and I say it all the time now. I can feel myself growing up with Him, but at the same time my old-fashioned innocence is slipping away, as I start to see the world as it is, not as I personally perceived it. It's scary when this happens, but God is always with me, so I don't fear it all the time...but whenever, and should I ever doubt my faith, I just remember these sunsets and this perfect day, and no matter what anyone may say to me, or what I may read, I know it's more than just mere coincidence.

Yeah, I'm a sap.

But that's how He made me.

And I'm perfectly happy with that.

This day, I'm sure, was sent from on high to remind me of just how much a part of my life He is, and how good things come to those who follow him. Sure, nothing dramatic happened and no miracles were performed, but I find more inspiration in everyday things it seems, and these ordinary "coincidences" that other Christians I've known balk at and say "God doesn't work like that" or "Jesus doesn't bother himself with those kinds of things" are the things that only make me believe even more.

Of course, one of my friends was quick to point out that the day would have been perfect if I had met some nice girl, and while that would have certainly made it special, I didn't need it to make this day perfect. Not everything went right, and not everything made me happy, but it was, in my eyes, perfect.

Catch you all on the flip side, and have a great Fourth of July!

Friday, June 20th, 2003

This has certainly been an interesting twelve days for me. I'm not going to be lengthy with it though. First of all, I'm back to semi-normalcy once again (yah!). I went to see the new psychiatrist last Tuesday, and boy, does she know her stuff. I was really impressed, and I felt fairly decent after the hour-some session was over (normally, psychiatric visits for me are only 30 minutes, but she spent a lot of extra time trying to get to know me, which made me feel better).

The reason why my brain went all wonky, besides that I had junkified it, was because of my taking more of the anti-depressant. What my particular one does is increase the action of dopamine in your brain, whereas most anti-depressants jack up your seratonin. We had tried some of the ones that work with seratonin, but they just made me bounce from depression to extra-happy (which isn't the point, let me tell you) and back again, so we settled on my current one. Well, these 'intrusive thoughts' I was having are a side-effect of the medication, and the only way to stop them is to change it. In essence, Dr. Foster told me that people who do cocaine have the same things happen to them, only in much greater amounts, because ye ol' abusive drug stimulates dopamine in your brain. Betcha didn't know that (and neither did I)!

Hey, I guess this means I was actually on a crack high then, doesn't it? ;-)

She wanted to put me on something else right away, but she later told me to think about it first. After a few days of thinking about it, I decided that, while I fear change like there's no tomorrow, I had to take a chance and go through all of this crap about finding a medication that worked again. My mother pointed out to me that, while I've been decent these past two years, I shouldn't still get super-depressed or have periods of ignorance-induced happiness (which was part of my problem before...I just ignored the most important things in my life and thought I owned the world). The only problem? If we change it, it may make me bounce back and forth again, which would mean adding a "mood stabilizer." I think that's when my head rolled off my shoulders...I laugh about it now, but at the time I was like "Lady, this isn't as simple as just adding another pill to the bottle!"

I've changed a ton over the past two years (and some change), let me tell you...if the old me had been sitting in that office, I would have made the worst fuss over changing medications and been a real brat about it, along with not wanting to take it in the first place and feeling like the most worthless person on the face of the Earth because I was so imperfect (meaning, I had to take pills to make me get better). I guess, in that sense, I am more open to change, but still not as open as I probably should be.

I also realized that maybe I can only go so far with the one medication, and to go the rest of the way, I may need a different one. And for that, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I did start taking the 2nd anti-depressant six hours after the first one, since that's how it's intended to be taken, apparently (no one ever explained that to me). It's helped in clearing my head and giving me more self-motivation, so far, but we'll see if the intrusive thoughts go away.

Work is just work these days, as is the weather...I haven't been able to take a walk in a long time. My interest in Anime has seriously dwindled lately, now that I'm not into all the latest release dates, English dub casts, and web sales. I've gone back to collecting the "old school" 80's stuff, or what people consider the classics of Anime, like I had originally intended. Once Utena finishes up in November, I probably won't be buying anything for quite a while. Speaking of Utena, I read something interesting about the director of the series, Kunihiko Ikuhara. Apparently, he lives in the states right now, because he was recognized by the Academy has having serious directing talent, Anime or not...in 2001, they held a seminar about Japanese animation and it's influences (like on, say, The Matrix), and Ikuhara was the big guy there. He hasn't been working on a lot of things lately, though.

I recently took in Gall Force: Eternal Story, which is about the strangest mixture of Anime I've ever seen. It starts off with this all-female team of space explorers, who are caught in a war between their race, the Solonoids, and this alien race called the Paranoids (doesn't it always work out like that?). From there, the ship's crew escapes from the battle (and being the only ones to survive) and heads for the planet Chaos, which is something of a netrual territory meant only for the Solonoids (who, we later learn, are a race of nothing but women). The Paranoids follow them, and it turns into a space opera, something out of Alien (only cleaner and less scary), a survival movie, a Jon Woo movie, back into a space opera, a mini-venture about colonizing a planet, a conspiracy movie, a chase film (with transforming armored bikes, no less!), back to space opera, and a two-minute ending sequence that is probably the ultimate picture of viewer confuzzlement (all the characters that had died are mysteriously shown living normal lives on Earth). It's one of the first Anime films/series I saw (and, even rarer, was aired on television in my middle school years), and at 12.99 it was a steal. Besides that it pretty much made no sense, the DVD came with an interesting alternate English version, which was the dub that the British put on it for release in their country.

But, I move on.

I've been reading Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night," which was the first Shakespeare play I ever saw performed. They're playing it again at this local township park, and since PeoplesBank is a season sponser, I get in for free. I didn't remember the play well enough, so I've been reading it, and let me tell you, this is harder to understand than Hamlet was (at least Hamlet's story was straight-forward...Hamlet is upset because his father was murdered and his uncle, the king, married his mother and is now the new King, this ticks off Hamlet, Hamlet being mad ticks off his mom, everyone gets ticked off, there's a big duel at the end where everyone drinks poision without knowing it and everyone dies a horrible death). Twelfth Night is a comedy, but it's probably better to see it on-stage...I'm getting the feeling that a lot of these lines are meant to be delivered with an important facial expression.

Well, that's all I think of to write about for right now. Catch you all on the flip side!

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Just a quick update here, which it would probably be better if you read the one below first.

I'm helping my dad build a deck on the back of our house, and I must say that the parts that I do help him with are really enjoyable. I've never been a big fan of tools and hardware, but when I was putting my money into renovating half of the basement and making it into an apartment (and thereby being dubbed by Jared as "MOLE MAN!"), I thought it was neat to watch how everything came together. Now, I get the same feeling when I'm helping my dad. I may still be a butterfingers with tools, but I'm getting decent with loading and unloading things when we buy them at Home Depot (which, btw, was fine for me to be in...it was busy, it was hectic, there was a lot of noise, but I did just fine. Happy dance!)

Saturday, June 7th, 2003

Boy, was this one heck of a week.

First of all, on Monday, I was fine. I had self-confidence for the first time that I can remember. I had a nice and quiet sense of self-worth, and definite pride in my work. I wanted so badly to be normal, stable, and I had made it again. I was satisfied, but not happy...happy is something I don't see too often, and when I do it's usually just been me convincing myself of that, so I like to say that I'm satisfied, not happy.

Tuesday, it all went to crap.

My brain, for reasons I'll explain later, decided to pop a few fuses, and when it did, my anxiety went through the roof, my paranoia was bothering me during work, and I was irritable and edgy, not to mention that I felt like I was swimming in something for the entire time I was awake. Sleeping was a different matter, as all the junk that was floating through my head wouldn't let me go to bed.

In response to my call to the doctor's office, Dr. Conway had me go up on the Wellbutrin, the anti-depressant, and that seemed to really help. I take it twice a day instead of once, and now that the week is done and the hard adjustment seems to have leveled out, I'm sleeping like a rock. I kept suffering through it, enjoying the spots when my brain would bother to re-connect itself to real life, and somehow managing to still do a good job at work.

I spoke to Cynthia on Friday, and with her help I pieced apart what had gone wrong. First off, it should be noted that I stopped writing reviews of things Anime and non-Anime related...it just sucked all the enjoyment out of anything. Second, I didn't stop reading them. By the time Monday came around, I had absorbed so much junk from the months of reviews that my brain just couldn't take it. Third, a link from my Hotmail took me to the Left Behind Prophecy Club, which was just a money-making scheme to scare people into paying the Left Behind writers 19.95 a month, which would deliver e-mails from end times scholars to your inbox, thereby producing fear and anxiety in you to purchase another month's subscription, and the pattern would just repeat until the person eventually broke down.

As previously stated, I used to be an 'end-timer.' I know that the whole Left Behind stuff is just used to scare people into coming to Christ, but I was intrigued to find out what they had to say about current events. According to the users in their forum (mistake #1), Bush is the Anti-Christ, and Tony Blair is going to be the head of the united one-world religion that is briefly touched on in Revelations. Reading this garbage was mistake #2. These people have no life. How can they be happy? They live their lives in fear and dread of that last day, and God doesn't want us to fear it! He doesn't want us to live in fear or despair! So why? Why?

The "whys" got to me, along with the review junk, and the news. Yes, the news...the news I said I wasn't reading. I know now why my mom says she doesn't really read the news; she said it depresses her. All it did for me was induce fear and dread about the end times of the world, and became an obsession. For all of last week, I was addicted to the news, trying to hear one detail that would put my fears, induced by the stupid link to the Prophecy Club, at ease. Of course, all it did was fuel the fears that were already planted there by those 'end-timer' people, so I got nowhere.

That's why my brain self-destructed, apparently, but I'm happy to report that while I'm a bit shaky, I'm still here, I'm all in one piece, I got my work done at work, and I'm still able to function. I want to be normal more than anything else in this world...my dream, for all who even care, is to have a wife, a home, and a job, whether it be with writing or computers. That's all I want, and I kept thinking about that all this week...I think that might have kept me going.

As for preventing this from happening again, I'm changing my e-mail address to my Yahoo! addy, that being jswartz82@yahoo.com. Yeah, I know, no secret name or anything, but I'm a little too old for that, I think... besides, no one really takes you seriously with an e-mail address like my old one anyway. This way, I won't be tempted to click on any msnbc.com news links or Left Behind links, b/c both of them advertise through Hotmail/Microsoft (oh, there's a funny story: they have stuff to say about good 'ol Big Willy Gates too...he's one guy that I definetely have no fear of). As for staying up on Anime releases, I check out The Right Stuf International for dates, and maybe even order from them. I used to visit a lot of other sites for news and tidbits and opinions and columns and what-not, and basically, now that I'm over that, I won't go back. In fact, I really couldn't tell you what half the release dates are, mostly because I can't remember...it's like when I got my brain back and all that junk cleared out, it literally 'cleared' out.

The newer Anime isn't really fit to watch, considering that they're getting away with a lot of stuff over there these days (they have something similar to our FCC, and it's having coniption fits over some of the content that conveniently slipped under their radar). The problem is that it's become too easy to make...it's down to a literal science, and the market is flooded with so many shows/mini-series/movies that there's no room to breathe, or for any new ideas...it's all the same idea, just with different colors. This is true for our movies and television shows as well. Since the animation is now top-class, they don't even bother with a story, unlike the 70's, 80's and early 90's, when they didn't have the techniques and money they have now, and had to have an engaging and interesting story to back up the, what is now considered, 'sub-standard' animation. After Utena and X the TV series finish their releases, I really don't have any interest in the new products that are coming out, with the exception of maybe collecting the few 70's and 80's shows that are out, so it may just be the end of Justin's Anime-collecting days (if my mom and dad were reading this, they'd rejoice silently)(that's an in-joke, btw; my dad likes to make fun of me for watching the "cartoons with the big eyes" while he stands by my apartment window and imitate the characters if they're speaking Japanese (he's getting pretty good at it) and my mom, while liking the designs for Utena, just makes sure that if I do buy it, I'm buying wisely (hey, I'm not my mom's son for nothing).)

The favorites over on the left got updated with some new things, and I think it's probably the most complete list I've made so far. As for me, I'm doing fine as I said, but I wasn't able to go out to Borders or the mall this weekend for very long...the noise, the people, the chattering, the music, the lights, the whole bit, just felt like they were assualting my brain. Give me another week or so and I'll be fine, but right now I need to take things slow. I've also noticed that I can't look people in the eye now, which has always been a problem in regards to my anxiety, but it's twice as bad since this recent deal.

I know I'm probably worrying a lot of you, especially family, and I ask that you don't worry, for my sake as well as yours. I didn't come this far with two years of therapy and psychiatric help, along with coming so far with God helping me and Jesus beside me to have something bad happen to me now. I'll be just fine, and I ask that you pray for my continued success, not for anything health-related.

I'm not about to give up now.

I've taken to reading my Bible once a week, and I don't do it in any particular order either...I just pick a spot and start reading. I started reading the Psalms last night, and I really want to get back to them soon...there's a lot of great inspirational passages in there. Romans is also one of my favorites, even if it does spend the majority of it's early chapters on adultery. I had always prayed to God and His son, but I never just spoken to Him, which is what a side note in my Bible said I could do...I knew that I could, but I didn't comprehend it before. Talk about having a connection!

Well, I'm going to keep my eyes on the sky. I've got a week of vacation time set up from July 21st to July 25th, and on July 23rd an amphitheater/park by my old technical school is hosting a Shakespeare troupe, performing Twelfth Night, which was my first Shakespeare play I ever saw performed, and also the funniest. Because PeoplesBank sponsors it, I get in for free, so I'm definetely going, but I've been praying (literally) to find someone to go with. No one I know really likes Shakespeare the same way I do, and Lord knows I don't need to run into another Joanna (the girl I asked out that laughed at me and turned out to be a fluffbucket). It'll work out, and worse comes to worse, I go by myself and see what it's like.

See or speak to y'all soon!

Saturday, May 24th, 2003

Dang, it's been a while! Long time no see, stranger. Anyway, I'm back and have a lot of things going on. First off the bat, things at work are changing and I'll be going in an hour earlier and getting off of work sooner. Ever since we installed the new banking software, the updates and the backups have been taking mondo longer (sorry, couldn't think of any other adjectives)(and I hardly ever get to say that), and I had been staying at work until 1am or thereabouts. We're now only doing the nightly backup once a week (Friday nights) and doing a full system (which, remarkably, is shorter) on every 3rd Monday, meaning shorter nights for me and more time to do...well, I don't do a whole lot anyway, but there's just more time, see? See?!? :-)

Missy has been so darn chatty lately too...I just can't seem to get my work done with her bugging me all the time (insert conspiratorial wink here). All sarcasm aside, with Angel on vacation for a few days at the Gettysburg Bluegrass Festival, I had to let Missy and John know everything, and this apparently made them feel more important, so now everything's cool. They're excercising their authority over me, they're giving me things to do, they're putting priorities on the things they give me...it's working out quite well. I think my shutting my mouth for a whole week helped too, but that tends to happen when people say that you talk too much.

In other completely unrelated news, I've stopped writing reviews for Anime. I was sitting down to eat dinner and watch the latest volume of Noir sometime two weeks ago, and I realized that I hadn't watched something and simply enjoyed it for what it was in a long time. I also realized that these critics must really have no life, and they can't possibly be happy, because they can't let themselves enjoy something. Given that, I've since felt a great weight off my shoulders and been a tad happier than usual.

I've been going out to Borders about once a week and just hanging out, and while I haven't really met anyone or struck up a conversation with someone, I've had myself a good time alone. I found out that one of the assistant managers of the store is an Anime fan and we had a nice conversation today about Noir (I think I hooked him back into the show!), which is just what I needed; I had tried to talk to some other people who were hanging around the manga section and they just freaked out or stared at me blankly. I wanted to grab them by the collar and go "Look, just because we're into Japanese art doesn't mean you have to be socially challenged!" I also ran into some teenager (listen to me, I'm dating myself) who acted like they knew it all about manga, and when I asked them how they liked their Anime, they were like "Oh, subtitled all the way; you get more of the story." This was another collar-grabbing moment, but I just pretended like I didn't know a thing about it. See, I remember wanting to watch Anime back when it was VHS-only and came with one (ONE!) episode per tape, and they charged you the price of an Anime DVD (20-30 bucks) for it, and dubbed in English was all you knew because it was cheaper (19-25 dollars). So believe me, I know a lot more about it than it seems (I just don't want to be a know-it-all). Kids these days...

In more news, I turned 21! No, I don't feel any wiser, or more mature (if anything, I think being older makes you want to act less like your age), but I'm starting to look more like my dad (people already think I am my dad if I answer the phone). I haven't gone to any strip clubs, I haven't gone to any bars, I haven't had any beers or even a wine cooler, and I intend to keep it that way (as Bob pointed out to me at work, I'm just no fun). I bought a nice umbrella so I can take walks in the rain (or at least try to)(at least I have an umbrella now), I've been listening to Holst and Vivaldi again, along with one of the two albums I have from the people at 32 Jazz in NY (one of them, "Jazz For A Rainy Afternoon," is perfect because of the weather), and let's not forget the great Osamu Tezuka, the godfather of manga and Anime (he created Astro Boy back in the 50's and lived until 1998), who composed the music for the Slayers series...the first soundtrack to Slayers Try (I know, "Try what?") is a great mix of jazz, tension-filled orchestral numbers, songs that reflect the seasons, and of couse, Megumi Hayashibara's songs she did for the series.

In yet more news, I have a disease (no, it's not called denial). It's called "thrombocipedia," which means that I have a low count of platelettes in my blood. This is caused by my medication, but it's not life-threatening and won't give me cancer or kill brain cells, so I'm not worried about it. At first they thought this was just a virus, but since I haven't been sick (physically), I apparently have this. This can lead to bruising for no reason and the failure of my blood to clot, but that hasn't happened yet. What's also interesting is that I'm apparently not on enough anti-depressant (surprise!), and because of my weight (183) and my height and all that, they said I should really be on two anti-depressants a day, not just one. This will also kill any impetuous urges I may have, so I guess taking over the world is out as a career choice (maybe I'll just take over the local Wendy's; I hope they don't fight back).

Here's a cool tidbit: a while back, the president of Manga Entertainment opened himself up on the Anime on DVD.com website about the failures of his companies in the past, and asked the fans what they wanted in his upcoming releases. For the film Ninja Scroll, he asked for interview questions to ask the director, and I was the only one who e-mailed him with questions (that's from his lips, not mine), because I really like the director, Yoshiaki Kawajiri, and his opinions on important issues. I recently e-mailed Keith Burgess (the president) yesterday to ask him how that all turned out, and he said the interview went great, they used the questions, and they even altered some of them to ask the dub actors. What's even cooler is that he said I got proper credit for my input, and asked me if I wanted a free copy of the DVD 2 months before it comes out. I accepted and thanked him about a million times, and he said that I should get the DVD Thursday. I can't wait to see my name in the credits of something! Happy dance!

And for the final bit, Tokyopop started accepting unsolicited (meaning, without an agent) submissions for their new young adult book line, and for any idea, really, so I'm shortening and re-organizing my book, Star Child, and sending a submission to them. Wish me luck!

Saturday, May 3rd, 2003

I love people here in York. I really do. Because, you see, they have this thing that they do. This thing is just hilarious. It's called "faking nice." See, you're being nice to them, and while you think they're being nice to you back, they're just annoyed by you. They fake it so well that you'll never know it, and when you figure it out or they just outright tell you to get lost, you're just standing there, wondering why God made you nice and why you bother being that way, since it never seems to get you anywhere except hurt.

Can you tell this is coming from personal experience?

Can you guess that this happened at work?

I talk to Missy every single working day. She's my connection to what happened during the day when I wasn't there. She was one of the really nice people, besides my boss. I went in Friday night to ask Angel something, and I brought up the fact that I really didn't have a lot to do that night, so if she wanted me to do something I could get it done. She proceeds to tell me that she's reluctant to give me anything, because Missy and John have told her that I don't take the job seriously enough, that they don't think I can do the job, and that I talk too much. Apparently, I'm some kind of annoyance to them.

I guess trying to start a conversation is a bad thing. I guess the times I got her to laugh about the servers always being down was just her faking it. I talk too much, she had said. I thought she was a trusty co-worker, and I guess I was wrong. I just don't get why people are like that. Maybe I'm not old enough to understand it yet, but I turn 21 in a matter of days. I guess I needed this reminder of why I didn't bother being nice to anyone for a long time, because no one ever appreciated it or was nice back.

I fear that I get this from my mother, who's been like that her whole life. She's just nice; there's no other way to describe it. She's a wonderful person, but when you get down to it, I act just like her sometimes. I thought I was just being nice, that's all. That's the way I am, or at least, that's the way I wanted to be. After Angel told me that, she proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't leave issues for day shift anymore, since they're overworked. Missy said that I pester her too, but the funny part is, when I'm "pestering" her, she's reading news on the Internet; I can see the reflection of her computer monitor in the glass of Shela's old office.

I don't take the job seriously? Please, if I took it seriously like everyone else I'd be on the verge of a nervous breakdown (I've been there, done that, and seen it done better than that). They get so worked up over the smallest things at work, so I guess I have to be just like that. Uh-oh, a server blips and two tellers get knocked off the system. The world is going to explode because we don't know why it happened! I've never worked in a place like that. And I thought Pat and his little old man fits were bad when I worked at Banks...you really don't have any idea until you see something worse.

So, after hearing this news, I wallowed in self-pity all night and worked my ass off. When I finally went to lunch two hours later than usual, I wanted to know why God had made so damn nice, since it never got me anywhere. There must be some reason for it, because no matter what I do, or how hard it hurts when it turns out that the person is just another one of these damn Yorkers, I get right back up and try again. I'll be cordial, and polite, but that's all you're getting out of me for the rest of your life. I don't engage in conversation with you, I don't speak to you unless you speak to me first. They seem to like that a lot more out here than being nice. I've met some great exceptions to this rule, but the majority makes everyone look bad, as with most things.

When I convinced myself to go home and not try to do anything else last night, I realized what Missy and John had said. They didn't think that I could do the job. They didn't think that I could do the job. Some of you may recall a similiar thing was said to me back when I worked at Joseph A. Bank Clothiers...Pat told me the same exact thing and sent me home to think about whether or not I still wanted that job. I realized that he had said the magic words. Back when I took my driver's ed test, I discovered that when people tell me that I can't do something, it makes me very angry, especially when I know very well that I can do it. There's just something that happens to me. It makes me want to show whoever said it that I can do what they said I couldn't. Basically, I want to show them up.

So here we are again. Same situation, just different people, and this time my boss actually likes me. Why must I make these other people happy, when she's already happy? I don't know. Quite frankly, I don't care. The mere fact that they both said that I can't do the job is enough. I don't care if they're unhappy for the rest of their lives, but the one thing they will know is that Justin Swartz can do his job.

Saturday, April 26th, 2003

Hope everyone had a nice Easter! I feel pretty good right now, especially since I just ate. I had been wanting to go to this little Italian place over in Jacobus...it's called Paesano's, and I think it seats about ten people total (told you it was a small place), but it's this great little restaurant that now has the best cheeseburger sub on the planet. I also sat down and started reorganizing things, which I don't like to do, but it was time, considering that I was having trouble keeping the stuff off of my desk. It's raining out, has been since last night, so there's not a whole lot say, except for a few little things.

First off, I feel terrific. I stayed later at work last night, not just because everything ran longer, but because Angel had given me this big inventory project to do and I wanted to make sure I got it all right. She wants to remodel the data center, and the consultants said that they could come in and do inventory, but that it would cost Angel 200 dollars an hour. So, she gave the whole affair to me, and I after some kicking of my feet I got into it and kicked mass. I'm really very proud of what I put together, which is rare for me these days...I used to be super-proud of things and throw my teenage ego around all the time, but now that I've gotten over that, the trick seems not to be so proud of everything I do, in order to keep the ultra ego from coming back. I also got a compliment from one of the tellers at another branch as to how well I was handling her help desk call, and another from one of the people at the Audit department in regards to how eager I am to help them when they call.

Gee, kind-of funny when, two weeks ago, I was getting chewed out for being 'combative.' :-)

I also got this incredible deal at Sam's Club on some Dockers for myself, since I have to dress up a bit when I go to work. These dockers were normally 48 and 50-some dollars, and Sam's had them for 20 with no fabric flaws and such. I got about five pairs of them, and as my mother says, "I'm just thrilled to pieces." The motivation behind this? I like dressing up because, if I'm still in my work clothes and I go out somwhere for lunch, people call me 'sir.' I like that feeling, even if I look good and only have about five bucks in my pocket.

One odd occurence happening to me lately is that I'm seeing crosses everywhere. Granted, I feel like I'm drawing closer to God, and I'm praying more often than I ever have, but I'm seeing objects that resemble crosses on an almost-daily basis. For example, I'll pass by an orchard, and some of the tree branches have grown into each other, and boom: there's a cross. A loose part of a fence that someone kicked or broke, and boom: there's a cross out of the fence pieces. Certain objects will cast shadows at night, and the shadows create a cross on the road. Certain street signs will cross each other and boom, you guessed it, a cross. I don't know what it means, but I'm not too concerned about it...it's actually a comfort whenever I see one.

Well, here's an onward and upward to my twenty-first birthday!

Sunday, April 13th, 2003

My walk yesterday was great. I went to the York Township Community Park, which has a two-mile path, and I went sometime around 6pm, meaning that I got to see the sun go down. I love it when that happens and I didn't really intend it to. I'm not a nature person (besides the fact that I'm ghastly afraid of spiders, ants, flies, bees, pretty much anything that's an insect/bug/pest that flies or crawls), but I do enjoy walking and hiking an awful lot. There's something about just listening to your feet on the gravel path, or listening to the noises of the park itself, or the trees and birds around you, or letting your mind wander (usually I have to go chase it down after that happens...darn bugger doesn't want to come back).

Today I took another walk, around the same time, but there was a mild breeze this time, so that added a whole different sound and texture to my listening. I took a drive then and watched the sunset that way. This time I walked about 3/4 of a mile and sat on a park bench and just prayed for a while. I realized that I really wanted someone to walk with when I was back in York, but I didn't know anyone who was really available at the time or just plain anyone. While this may sound like I'm going into self-pity mode, it was a kind of sad revelation that I didn't really have anyone around here (here meaning York) to take a walk with. I also realized that I really wanted was a girl to walk with, to do simple things with. There I go being a romantic again, but I guess it can't be helped.

So, I sat on the bench and prayed about it. I don't doubt that God is there and with me everyday, but for one of the first times in my life, I wondered if he was hearing me, since this isn't the first prayer I've had on the subject and it certainly won't be the last. I had said something when I last talked to my Aunt Joycee about this, and she asked me how the prayer went. When I told her, she said I was doing it all wrong and told me what to say to correct it. So, I was wondering if this time made it any different, and I guess subconciously I was asking for some kind of sign.

I got in my car for my drive, and the radio was set to National Public Radio. Because of the Easter holiday, there were having people retell passover stories in the program, and the one that was currently being read was one about Moses' sister (I believe that these were Jewish-related stories, but they're pretty much reading the same book, so the story still had an effect on me). The story of Moses was retold in that story as well.

It should be noted here that Moses is my favorite Biblical person, as well as the most inspirational story I've ever read from the old book itself. I had just wished, in my head, for some kind of sign that God was listening, and here was my favorite Bible story waiting for me when I started the engine of my car.

Coincidence?

I don't think so. :-)

Oh, a thank you goes out to Matt Wolf right here for downloading Slayers Premium for me on his cable modem. Thanks a bundle, man! The movie's only about a half-hour long (Anime movies are weird like that), but it's great fun and has some really cute satirical moments. Lina Inverse, a sorceress, and the dumber than nails swordsman Gourry end up in a town that's been at 'war' with the octopi in their water for a while. The octopi are actually cursed, and if you eat one then your speech is cursed as well; basically, you're speaking the English equivalent of the octopus lingo. This of course happens to Gourry, and when he wants to know what's going on he asks it, but out of his mouth comes the word 'boobless,' and Lina takes it as an insult. Pretty soon the other Slayers characters show up for some much-needed laughs, and having all of them succumb to the octopus lingo makes Lina end up babbling in it too, until a white mage figures out how to reverse the curse with a spell her daddy taught her: problem is, it only works if you smack her upside the head before she does it (this happens by accident when one of the characters, Amelia, is thrown by an octopus into orbit and comes down on the poor girl's head). The other big joke is that Lina and Gourry have traveled together since episode one, and Slayers is horrible with relationships and confessions of emotion, since it is just a comedy series. The big gag is that Gourry's in love with Lina but is too stupid to know it, and Lina would rather pretend she doesn't like Gourry then get into the 'mess of dating and all that stuff.'

The gag this time is that Gourry keeps saying to Lina, very adamantly, that he loves her. He does this in English, by the way, and says it very clearly. Once he's freed from the curse, Lina asks him what that was all about ("Not that I care or anything," she adds), and he says "Oh, that means 'I don't have any money.' Of course, he gets fried like the fish he's eating, but at least he did something to deserve it this time. Megumi Hayashibara, one of the big japanese pop singers whose tunes continually get caught in my head, plays Lina, and all the hype about her is true: she's a great actress, and you really can't say enough about her. This hasn't been released over in the U.S. yet, so I watched it subtitled, but I really liked the Japanese acting...I tend to like it better when they all aren't squeeling in these high-pitched voices (and I've seen way too many shows like that).