Though it was not known for it, the Exton Diner made one hell of a grilled cheese sandwich. The platter sat in front of me as I waited for Andrew to arrive. I have a problem about being on time. I am usually early and in this case a half an hour early. It was on the third pass of the Egyptian server that I decided I had to order something other than my coffee. He didn’t like me. The bastard probably figured that he wasn’t going to get a good tip. The first pass around he asked me what I wanted, and after telling him just coffee he gave me the stink eye. The second time, I dangled my cup to indicate emptiness. He didn’t like that too much and reluctantly gave me my refill, scoffing as he left. I didn’t care. He’s an asshole. Most people are. Then he came for a third time ‘round.
“Can I refill your cup?” he asked trying to hide his grinding teeth.
“Sure Mac, and could you get me a grilled cheese please?” I made sure to display a smile from ear to ear. I like throwing kindness back at douche bags.
“Oh right, grilled cheese, excellent choice.” As he walked away I swore that he mumbled something not in English. Fuck him. He knew exactly what he was getting into working for a diner after midnight.
A look around the diner reminded me of when I was in high school: hordes of juveniles hanging out, not ordering much, laughing and being loud. They were giving poor Mac a lot more shit than I was, yet I was receiving the butt end of his hostility. Bastards. The place was dimly lit and big for a diner. Most of the patrons that night were in my section, for the smoking privileges. Coffee and cigarettes are a great combination.
Mac returned with my entrée in record time, arousing my suspicions that something was up. He smiled and told me to enjoy my meal and seemed like he was walking on air as he crept back behind the in and out doors to the kitchen. I watched the doors for a couple moments, trying to catch his head pop out to see if his coffee fool was eating the tampered grilled cheese. I am a lot of things, but momma didn’t raise no fool.
As I stared at my grilled cheese, I heard a loud and obnoxious slam from the front of the diner. I turned my head to see Andrew come into the diner as the doors slowly left the wall and came to a rest in their rightful place. His loud entrance startled a staff member who was on the phone. I saw Andrew give the diner a once around trying to find me. I slinked down in my booth and offered no help while thinking about whether this was a mistake or not. Andrew’s not like the others.
I finally got up and was going to wave him down, but he must have caught my scent because he was walking to the back of the diner already. He was bigger than I remembered. His baggy shirt made it so I couldn’t figure out if it was muscle or fat that joined up with my friend. His hair was the same dull buzz cut that he had when I first met him over 6 years ago. He also still had the big glasses. I pushed my plate to the center of the table and lit a cigarette as he approached.
“Kurt Muthafuckin’ Smith, what the fuck’s up man?” he said.
“What’s up man?” Something happened that had not happened for a damn long time, a genuine smile crossed my face. I stood up and we did that ghetto hand shake thing with the interlocking thumbs complete with a semi hug/backslap. He sat across from me, ordered a coffee from a different server, and took a look around the establishment.
“Where’d you find this place?”
“You see that guy over there,” I waved to Mac who was standing by the register trying to act like he wasn’t monitoring my table. He smiled a devious smile and waved back. “He’s my boy.”
We went through the standard reacquainting process; well he did anyway. He told me about his job at some office building and that he’d been climbing ranks since day one. He told me exactly what he did, to which I responded with a series of nods and ‘uh huh’s’ as I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He told me about the ‘slut’ he was fucking and how she was a freak and something about Arabian goggles, but I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t care.
“What about you man? I’ve been going on about myself, what the hell have you been up to? It’s been a couple of years; no doubt you had some crazy shit happen in that time.”
I had to stop and think of what to say. To be perfectly honest nothing too exciting has been going on since college. Nothing as exciting as Arabian goggles I assumed.
“Ya know, working and shit.”
“Where are you working at?”
“Here and there, ya know.”
Since college I held a magnitude of different jobs specializing in everything other than what I went to school for. Who knew a communications degree wouldn’t warrant a good job after graduation? I stayed at a supermarket that I’ve been at since high school slowly rising in pay while I searched for greater things and worked on the great American novel. It is still in pre-production hell.
“No I don’t know. Are you still writing?”
“I dabble here and there, not making much money off it though.”
“You know Doug Fletcher?”
I did know Doug Fletcher.
“Well I saw him a couple weeks ago and he told me that he sold that screenplay he was always working on and some studio, I forget which one, is thinking about making it. He made some big bank on it, bought a house. I always liked Doug.”
I hated Doug Fletcher in college and though I haven’t seen him since, I’m pretty sure I still hate him. He was the type of film kid who was into movies that TV and magazines told him to be into. He looked down on those who didn’t believe that American Beauty was the greatest thing to ever hit celluloid. I walked in on him during the scene with the plastic bag and he was sobbing; now that was beautiful. He’s probably a great guy though.
“Are you going to eat that?” Andrew asked looking at my shady grilled cheese platter.
“Go to town.”
He grabbed the plate and spun it toward him. I passed him the ketchup and he began to apply a modest dose to the plate to accompany the fries.
“You know Smith, you’re an exciting person to talk to,” Andrew said as he raised the sandwich to his mouth. “I don’t get it, you call me out of the blue, get me to come down here and meet you at this shitty diner and pretty much don’t say a word when I get here. You pissed off or something?”
I watched as he took a bite of the sandwich, thinking about what he said and wondering about what he could be biting into.
“I tried to kill myself a couple weeks ago,” I finally said.
Andrew spit out the chunk of toast and cheese and began to cough.
“It’s been out for a while, probably a little cold.”
“What the fuck do you mean, tried to kill yourself?”
I took a drink of my coffee and lit a cigarette. “I tried to end my life, but I didn’t go through with it. It was either because I’m a giant pussy or that I had second thoughts and wanted to investigate further into my existence.”
“You’re a goddamn moron!”
I laughed a bit at that.
“You know, you’re the fourth person I told and that was definitely my favorite reaction. Most people go mute, and then become soft spoken, afraid that any little thing might set me off.”
“Well most people are idiots. Who else did you tell?”
“Josh, Craig and Kelly.”
For the past couple of weeks I’d been setting up meetings with old friends. I only managed to find four. I don’t know what exactly I was trying to do, maybe have a bunch of character witnesses to tell me that I shouldn’t kill myself and that my life was important and worth living, all that TV bullshit. Kelly took the news the worst.
“Kelly Hive?”
“Yeah.”
“Damn man, I haven’t seen her in…damn. Is she still hot? You got on that didn’t you?”
“Nah, I think I was the only one in our dorm not to ride that train. Though for being a slut, she was a nice girl, sweet.”
“She was something.”
At first I wanted to be more than friends with Kelly Hive. That notion flew out the window when I noticed that most people did and she was more than happy to oblige. She started to cry when I broke the news to her about the suicide while we were shopping in New York. I lied and told her that I wasn’t serious and that I recently found religion. She still calls every few days to see if I’m ok.
Andrew got quiet. He was either thinking about my surprise suicide comment or still reliving glory days with Kelly Hive.
“Remember that one party with Kelly and those two girls, damn that was hot.”
“You are a twisted fellow, Andrew.” It felt good to laugh.
“What can I say? I like freaks. And who’s the twisted one here, you’re going around trying to get pity from people for a botched suicide. Out of morbid curiosity, how’d you decide to do it anyway?”
“It wasn’t so much botched as I just seriously thought about it and didn’t attempt it. I didn’t want to slit my wrists, too much to clean up and I get light headed when I see blood. Hanging myself was out of the question because I’d imagine strangulation hurts a good deal. A gun was ruled out because if I missed…then what? I looked in my medicine cabinet and the only thing there was a bottle of Vitamin C.”
“So what did you do?”
“I took two pills and made some burritos.”
“Quitters never prosper.”
“I don’t know why I tried to do it, or whether I’ll try again. The whole thing is sort of tricky.”
“I’ll play the concerned guy for a moment here. What is your fucking problem?” Andrew asked in a tone that a mother might use while tucking in a child.
“I guess I just got fed up with everything and everyone. After graduation, once I took that next step, I felt like I fell down a hole. Nothing was happening. I knew I wasn’t the best student, but I assumed that I could work for something remotely close to what was written on that damn piece of paper I paid an arm and a leg for.”
“Boo hoo, you are reaching here pal. Who do you think you are? You’re not special. You’re in the same boat as everyone else who graduated, suck it up.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better?”
“You think I love what I do now? Nobody loves what they do, but they do it. They don’t go and kill themselves. They spend the rest of their lives trying to relive their old college days and tell inane stories about their old self to anyone within an ear distance. I’ve accepted it. Shit man, I’m going to the can.”
I looked at the high school kids yelling and screwing around. They were so young, naïve, innocent and stupid. I wanted that feeling again I guess. I wanted to think that I knew what I was going to do and where I was going with my life. Those kids had no idea that most of them would be depressed after college. Some may even end up jockeying a cashier to ensure benefits.
Andrew came back from the bathroom and sat down. He returned to his grilled cheese sandwich. I didn’t say anything.
“I’m pretty pissed off at you Smith. Just what did you think I was going to do when you told me huh? You think I was going to start crying and beg you to get help and that your life is worth living?”
“Seemed like a popular approach.” I did not know what I wanted from these people who I recently put on the spot. Maybe I was being selfish, setting up these meetings with people I haven’t seen in a while. What a thing to throw on them. My stomach began to hurt and I became glad that I didn’t get something to eat.
“I was in there taking a leak and I as thinking of you,” Andrew said.
“That’s…nice.”
“Yeah, I was wondering at what point does it just click and you say, ‘now I’m going to kill myself,’ is there a breaking point?”
“You really want to know what I was doing when I decided that I wanted to kill myself.”
“That’s why I asked.”
“I was watching Saved by the Bell. You know the episode where Jessie gets all strung out on caffeine pills and the gang rescues her before it’s too late.”
“Yeah, a very special episode. Though I was always partial to the beach house episodes, you know with Mr. Car…sorry, continue.”
“Well that’s pretty much it, I was watching that episode and thinking, this is bullshit! And at that point, for some reason I just decided to want to end it all. Now I’m glad I didn’t give that ridiculous show the satisfaction.”
Andrew’s open gaze in my direction showed me that he thought I was an idiot. I guess I was. He took the last bite of his grilled cheese and pushed the plate to the middle of the table.
“Well, I’m about finished here,” Andrew said, “what are you going to do now?”
Good question. I doubted that I could go through with killing myself but I wasn’t happy. I don’t think I was anything at that moment.
“Dude are you going to quit being a bitch and deal with your shit?” Andrew asked. I looked at Andrew for a second, not answering him. I then looked at the high school kids again, still doing their thing over there, not caring. I just sat, saying nothing, feeling nothing, pretty much thinking nothing.
“I’m going to go up and pay for the bill,” I said and stood. Andrew made no attempt to chip in for the sandwich that I gave to him, but I didn’t care.
I walked up to the front counter. This being a ritzy joint and all, the patrons had to pay at a register. Mac was waiting for me as I approached.
“How was everything tonight, sir?” Mac still had that damn smile on his face.
“Excellent my man, I’d like to pay the bill and for you to tell me what you did to my sandwich.”
I handed my money to Mac who fumbled some of the change as he was working the register.
“Your sandwich sir? I am not sure of what you mean.”
“I don’t care what you did to it, see that guy over there,” I pointed to Andrew who was walking toward the exit and was oblivious to everything, “I’m not even the one who ate it, he did, so just tell me.”
He handed me back some change, dodging the question by pretending to turn around and scream something at someone in the back.
“I’m sorry sir, what were you saying?” He replied as he turned back to face me.
I was about to just walk away and give up as I was run into by another customer. My change went up in the air and crashed to the floor. I recognized the girl from one of the high school tables. She was young, leggy with an attractive face that had yet to be worn down from frat parties and finals. Three friends accompanied her.
Andrew walked by at this moment. He motioned that he’d be in the parking lot. I guess he had something else to talk to me about. Very noticeably he checked out the four high school girls at the counter and gave me a slime ball type look as he exited. I imagined that he would have sex with anything that had a pulse.
“Sorry, mister, I didn’t see you there.” She said to me as a couple of her friends giggled. They were all pretty, but not as pretty as she was. Her hair was golden and it looked as if she had a halo above her head. Her smile was a little crooked but made her nose scrunch up in a very delightful and attractive way. She was wearing tight jeans and a tank top that showed off her perky breasts. The girls seemed a little drunk, stoned or just off.
“No problem.”
I gathered my change and though I hated myself for doing it, I checked out the point of view from the ground. If I was still in high school this would be the girl that I would be dreaming about. Hell for a moment I thought about going home and thinking about her tonight, but that disgusted me. Here I was a twenty-something male having fantasies about a girl who may not even have her drivers license, who probably sleeps in a pink room under a Disney princess bedspread. Daddy’s little girl. She was this sweet little innocent thing, and all I could think about was…
I stood up and was face to face with the blond wonder girl. Her beautiful dark blue eyes pierced mine and I was motionless. I had to ask her something.
“How old are you sweet heart?”
She had to be on something. She didn’t ignore me.
“I’m 17.”
“Stay that way.” I smiled and turned toward the door.
“Hey, Mister.”
“Yes.” I could hear the leggy blonde’s bubble-gum voice deflect off the walls and into my ear drum.
She walked over to me while her friends remained in the distance. Her hips bumped to her side as she walked. It was sexy, though it may have just been because she was drunk. She didn’t stop walking at the appropriate length for conversation space; she came all the way up to me face to face.
“You dropped this.” She had a dollar in her hand. Her warm breath, though smelling like fries, tickled my cheek. I took it from her and smiled. This girl was something, and honest to boot. I felt horrible about thinking about her in that dirty way earlier and thought that maybe the world would be better off with out a pervert like me.
“Thank you.”
She then advanced closer to me, practically rubbing up on me. Her hair smelled like the ocean and the smooth skin on her arm touched mine. Her perfect breast snuggled up against my elbow. Her sweet voice began to fill my ear in whisper.
“I could just put that toward your tab. You want a date?”
I took a step back and looked into her once beautiful blue eyes that all of a sudden seemed dark and murky to me.
“No, I do not want a date.” My heart dropped. A little bit of what was left of my innocence was lost with that one. “And neither should you.”
“Fuck off,” she said and rejoined her friends at the counter.
I stood for a minute or so before I went out to the parking lot to say my farewell to Andrew. I wondered why I came here tonight.
Before I exited I took one more look at the counter. The girls were there with Mac, probably trying to get out of a bill. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Mac had a huge smile on his face. At least I knew that my shitty tip would contribute very little to his activities.
Andrew was standing by his SUV in the parking lot. I walked over to him. He had a huge smile on his face.
“What were you talking about with that girl?”
“Politics.”
“She had too smoking of a body to care about that shit,” he replied while practically drooling. I started to believe that I’d never call or see Andrew again.
“Well actually, she did ask me who you were, she said you were cute.”
Andrew was excited to hear this as his face was strained with smile. It seemed as if now I was just in the way of him fulfilling one of his twisted fantasies.
“I think I left my hat in the diner,” Andrew said.
“All right man,” I extended my hand to him, “till the next time.”
Andrew tried to come in for another ghetto type handshake, but I had no part of it. We did it right this time, the way I wanted to do it with a nice firm regular hand shake. I left a little bit of myself go with that handshake, the trash I could do without.
Andrew started to walk back to the diner and stopped.
“Hey Smith?”
“Yeah.”
“Did I help?”
“Too early to tell.”
“Don’t do anything stupid,” Andrew said as he disappeared back into the diner. That was the last thing he said to me, and it cracked me up. It was funny that I went to Andrew to try and assess my life. What was even funnier was that he actually did help me.
As I drove home I imagined about what happened that night. I wondered if Andrew went in to try and woo the leggy blonde only to be surprised when he didn’t have to work as hard as he thought. I wondered if Mac, noticing Andrew moving in on his sure thing, told him the truth about the sandwich. Maybe the leggy blonde would tell them that there was room for the both of them. I didn’t care.
It was pretty perfect that those three people met up at some shitty diner countertop after midnight. Maybe that was my mission for the night, to play some twisted matchmaker involving a sleaze, a hooker and a disgruntled diner employee. Whatever my mission was I realized that the world needs a person like me to counter all the living scum wondering around.
I was coming up to my exit on the turnpike. It wasn’t until I started to veer into the exit lane that I thought I needed to jumpstart my life some how. I didn’t know how. Almost instigating an accident came close, but I got back on the turnpike and kept driving. I figured I was late being early somewhere.
