The Devil In Disguise
Well he turned out to be nothing that I even thought he was.. He's a Chronic Liar, Selfish, Self Centered & a Cheater. Well almost a month after we broke up, all the truth is revealed.. Almost every single thing that he told me was a lie. He cheated on me and then did a 360 and shut down. He won't talk to me, answer any of my emails.. nothing.

Now he's giving up totally, hanging with the wrong people, getting high and being a total whore.. Even risked having threesomes with his friend, who he told me a week before we broke up, had Syphilis and tested HIV positive..

It's a shame that someone so young has so many problems. He was such a nice guy, treated me really nice, fun to be around, always put a smile on my face, what happened to that person, where did he go?
Deep down inside he really is a good guy, but it's too hard to peel away the outer coating to get to it.. I should have know from the beginning not to get involved with him, I mean for christ sake he was a drug dealer who got caught, went to jail, let out on bail and now on House Arrest awaiting sentencing in April. What the hell was I thinking? But I had faith in him, not judging him by his faults or his past. But he totally proved me wrong..

I hope he doesn't self distruct, he's only got 2 more weeks before his sentencing trial, I'm so god damn mad at him, that I could really punch him in the face. But you know what, he's the only one who's gonna suffer from all this, he's the one going back to prison, not me. And won't I be really pissed off if he doesn't go back & he knew it all along, and used it as an excuse to get rid of me. Well let me tell you something, if that is the case, he'll be begging them to take him back to prison.My Song

Depressed & Confused
Mood:  blue
Well its been almost 2 weeks now and Ryan hates my guts.. He won't answer any of my emails or phone calls.. I know he's not good for me, not even as a friend.. but i still hold on to the feelings I have for him.. Why? I thought I was smarter than that, but I get too close too fast.. I really liked him but his life is way too fucked up for anyone even himself.. I just hope with every day it gets easier for me to forget about him, cause he is toxic for me..

A New Beginning
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Something New
Well its Feburary & cold as hell here in Philly. Can't wait til the summer is here! There's something new happening in my life, his name is Ryan. We met about a month ago, without expectation. But of course without failure there's complications, but trying not to let them interfear with it. Also I had thought Ryan was 23 years old & I found out after it was too late that he's only 20. It bothered me at first but he's very mature for his age. But its very different for me, i've never dated someone so much younger than me, 15 years difference to be exact. I'm learning alot about myself & he brings out a side of me that I haven't seen in a while. But overall its a good thing & hope everything works out, cause I'm really starting to fall for him. He's such a nice guy, unlike anyone I've ever dated. Well we'll see what happens, keep your fingers crossed!

My Head Is In A Spin, My Feet Can't Touch The Ground
Mood:  irritated
well I haven't written in a while, but since then not much has changed. We celebrated Ana's 1st birthday, I got a digital video camera, haven't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. I've been dealing with all these symptoms abdominal pain, swelling in my ankles, fevers, headaches, dehydration. I don't know what its all from but for some reason I won't go to the doctor. Well first off, I have no health insurance(Thanks again Tony), And I think I have this fear of going to the doctors. As time goes on, I think things in my head are getting worse on the inside and I've just learned how to hide it real well on the outside. I don't care anymore about anything or anyone. And I guess I won't go to the doctor, so that maybe these symptoms will get worse and I'll just go to sleep one night and not wake up. I can't live like this anymore, nothing in life makes me happy anymore. I don't know where to begin mending, whats left of my life. I just look at the shattered pieces of life and I'm clueless on where to start or what to do. So I just give up, not caring about anything. My life will never be the same, the sun will never shine this way again. I can't live without my Mother, without her here I feel so lost and lonely. I can't do this alone, she was my everything. And now I feel like I have nothing. People have abandoned and purposly done things to make my struggling time worse. Everytime I think about all that's happened, I get furious! I get so MAD I could kill someone. I'm better off not being alive anymore, all I do is cause my family pain and worries. My Father trying his best to get me out of situations that I've gotten into because the way I feel. Paying my debts because I'm out of work and can't afford to pay them. The people around me are unable to see the way I feel inside, cause I hide it well. I do know one person who would have spotted it before it even started though, My Mother. She knew me inside and out, knew if something was wrong without me even saying anything. I'm at the end of my rope here, I don't know what to do.My Head Is In a Spin.....

disagreement
well everything was going fine until we started arguing yesterday. I was amazed of the things that were coming out of his mouth. Very judgemental and conseeded. Putting people down just cause of their profession or background. God knows what he thinks of what I do. Thats what hurt the most. I slept in the other room last night and didn't go hiking with him today. I stayed here alone. I'm very emotional because of the timing. Monday is my mother's birthday, and its hard dealing with it. But I will not back down from this. It all made sense now, the reason why in his head, we could never be more than friends is cause, I'm not good enough, I never was and never will be. But he's fighting his own demons cause I know he still loves me. I'm like the forbidden fruit...you want but you can't have. I don't know whats gonna happen.

Going back to cali
well I've been here for 5 days, Its beautiful here, I could really get used to this. I guess my thoughts were right, I know him all too well, maybe better than he thinks. Last night when we went to bed, he put his arm around me and we cuddled a bit and spooned. This is so frustrating, knowing that we still feel something for each other, but circumstances are preventing us from acting on them. I know I have a lot to lose from it but, after all i've been through, I don't care. I love him, he is my soul mate for sure. I just wish we'd stop playing this game and just let whatever was meant to be....BE! I never thought love could be so complicated.

I've been thinking a lot about Momma, her birthday is monday. She would have been 67, I miss her so much. Its almost 1 year that she's gone, I can't believe it sometimes. I worry about my father though, I know he's lost without me.

San Diego
Well I finally made it here to visit Francisco in San Diego. I've been here for three days now. Been just getting to learn my way around. Its beautiful here. I have been getting a really strange feeling from Francisco ever since I got here. Almost feels like something you want but you can't have. I won't say anything cause I'm always the one who does, and i'm not going through that again. I do love Francisco, and I always will. It makes me sad to see him struggle with feelings and emotions. I don't care what anyone says...even him, i know that we belong together. It was written in the stars, but that doesn't always mean it will come true. I just don't want to look back and have regrets and have wasted all that time. In my eyes anything is possible, I know we've changed in the 10 years that we've been apart but when you come down to it, we are basically the same freddie & francisco on the inside, just a little older. It really hurts knowing that you really love someone, and because of other circumstances, you can't be together. Well actually I still believe in my heart and what I feel, but honestly, I'm tired of trying, he's very stubborn cause he feels somewhat the blame for most of the grief I had when I live in SF with him and all that I had to deal with when I came home. He doesn't want to cause me anymore of that pain, but I feel that should be my choice not his. I'm a grown man and can make my own decisions. I'm not saying thats what I want either, but at least I leave the situation open for discussion...he totally blows off the thought of that could ever happen. And thats blocking your own destiny!

May 16th, 2005
Well its 6:00am and I'm awake. In the last week or two, I've been feeling like I've reached the next stage of grief, the last one, acceptance. I'm finally starting to realize that I must move on. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, be strong and make my mother proud. I've also learned how important family is. I'm going to San Diego in about 3 weeks to visit Francisco. It will be good to get away for a while..well going to bed now...nite

Sunday April 3, 2005
Well last night I hung out with Shawn here at my house. We talked about a lot of things, especially about losing are parents. I never really took part expressing my feelings so much with someone about my mother, especially someone who could understand how I really feel. Its funny just when you think your strong, from out of the blue, it all comes right back. We were talking and I was fine most of the night until I was telling him about the morning my mother died. I started to get choked up, and could hear Shawn sobbing along with me. But I contiued to tell the story. I drove him to the city Sunday afternoon around 2:00, came home and had dinner with My sister, Marc, Ana, Aunt Roe, Uncle Tom & My Dad. After dinner I came downstairs and took a nap. Woke up about 7:30 and started doing some laundry. Probably just relax the rest of the night.

March 28, 2005
Well today I didn't do much but did a lot of thinking. It rained most of the day. I thought about how inconsiderate people, especially people claiming to be my friends, can be. Especially with all the hard times going on in my life, they all just added wood to the fire. I'm starting to get my head back on straight and hopefully this thing with opening my own shop will come through. Me and my dad went to my Aunt Barbara's for dinner. We had a good time, my cousin Stephanie was there. My sister was supposed to come but Ana wasn't feeling to well and she had to take her to the doctor. Now just hanging out, recording some records to rip into mp3's. Probably just chill out a bit and go to bed soon. Good Nite!