WOULD YOU EXPECT A MAN LIKE ME TO GLOAT?
Well, well, well.
.
A liberal media establishment. A throng of washed up, has been entertainers. The anger of Arab terrorists. A fat ass with a camera and a penchant for lies. Countless web sites and media ads with nothing but falsehoods aimed at intimidating voters. “Vote or Die.”
.
What do they all have in common?
.
They’re all responsible for reelecting President George W. Bush.
.
Bill Clinton, the comeback kid? Please. My friends, it is obvious our President is the finest politician this great nation has seen since a man named Reagan occupied the White House. In the history of any Republic, there has never been such a biased, distorted, agenda driven media establishment, all hell bent on influencing who would win an election. From forged documents, to suppressed stories, to embellished tales of missing weapons, the liberal media establishment in this country brought out all their guns to try and elevate John Kerry to the Oval Office. Thankfully, over 60 million Americans had the guts to proudly stand up and say they’re smart enough to make their own decisions and on November 2, 2004, they proudly announced that protection from terrorists, lower taxes and consistency were the ideals they wanted in their President.
.
Was there anything more glorious than watching Dan Rather try to spin these results in Kerry’s favor? At around 2am, I honestly think I heard him mention a scenario in which Bush would win Ohio, but an alien attack, coupled with a devastating typhoon in the mid-West would swing the election to Kerry. Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings? Wow, I kept waiting for a stagehand to come take their belt and shoelaces from them. And as for my friends at CNN, the Clinton News Network, I think you can finally call Mississippi for Bush, hopefully by Easter you’ll get around to calling Florida and Ohio. To watch these puppets of the liberal establishment squirm and sob as the color red spread across the country was one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen, as well as the saddest. To have a media establishment that is so biased and so contemptuous of the American public is sickening, though I must admit, it’ll be fun watching them covering the Inauguration of the man who bested them all.
.
Now for my celebrity friends. To you, my sincerest thanks and appreciation, I mean no sarcasm when I say we couldn’t have done it without you. For everyone stoned off their ass, too dumb to even find Iraq on a map, American hating voter you signed up, you energized a decent, hard working, patriotic American. For all your concerts, propaganda films, attempts at humor or “knowledgeable” input on how the world works, you ensured a Republican voter would make it to the polls. Because of you, Mr. Vedder, we converted New Mexico and Iowa. Because of you, Mr. Matthews, we won by over 3 million votes. Because of you, Mr. Springsteen, we re-elected a Republican President for the first time since 1984, oddly enough, the last time you did anything that could even be construed as productive. And last, but certainly not least, at least in girth, because of you, Mr. Moore, we won a mandate.
.
So where do we go from here? Well, John Edwards returns to the 3rd grade where we all wish him the best. Theresa Heinz Kerry returns to speech class and attempts to get her husband to take flying lessons, while she makes romantic overtures towards Senator Hillary Clinton. John Kerry? Well having learned that in a Presidential campaign you can’t simply shoot yourself and get out of it, he returns to his duties as the Junior Senator from Massachusetts, which mainly entails collecting Ted Kennedy’s empties for recycling and finding ways to ensure partial birth abortion is never abolished. (Though, I guess Senator Kennedy can be considered more hands on, while Kerry only fights for the right to kill babies, ol’ Teddy actually HAS killed someone, way to go Ted!)
.
For me, well, as you know, I’m all about unity. Maybe I gloated a bit here, but rest assured, its nothing compared to what you’ll have to endure for the next four years. Much like the proud symbol of my party and Michael Moore’s birth mother, my memory is like that of an elephant’s, but rest assured, I know the warm wishes and humbleness that would have greeted me had President Bush lost.
.
But we move on, I won’t bring up how you’ll all scurry back you your holes, waiting for another moment when you can complain about how much you hate the greatest nation in the history of the world. No, I’m all about unity and too that end, I look forward to uniting my foot and your asses the way MY PRESIDENT UNITED HIS WHOOPING STICK WITH YOUR BLEEDING HEART, TERRORIST LOVING, COUNTRY HATING, FRENCH ASS KISSING SACK OF SHIT OF A CANDIDATE!
.
That being said, I hope we can move past the anger and partisan bickering. You’ll hear no more snide comments from me, I know that with victory comes duty and I know I speak for all in my party when I say we look forward to working with Senator Daschle to………….wait, he what? Really, oh wow. Um, well, hey, I guess you guys won a dogcatcher race or something, we’ll work with him.
.
Finally, a message to those of you who stood with us. To the 60 million of you who voted to continue strengthening America both at home and abroad, my sincerest thanks, and congratulations. While many at the top will get the credit, your ability to ignore the lies and half truths of a media and entertainment establishment desperately trying to hide the fact their no longer needed is the best example of democracy in action I’ve ever seen. God knows where this country would have ended up without you all and again, my thanks and congratulations on a job well done.
.
In closing, I’d imagine this update might seem a bit smug. Well, you’re right. As I sat here early on Wednesday morning, humming Hail to the Chief and laughing at Dan Rather’s repeated suicide attempts, I wondered how’d I handle such a decisive victory. And to be honest, I figured I’d remain quiet, the victory itself being the greatest reward. However, I then logged on to Mr. Moore’s web site, so I could email him and properly thank him for all he did for us, only it wasn’t there. Seems the man who “stands for us” ran and hid when he lost, no doubt you’ll hear little from him in the foreseeable future, until the next election cycle or all you can eat night at the Sizzler. At that moment, I realized that had Kerry won, not only would I hear shit from those few Kerry supporters who weren’t incarcerated, but the remarks you’d have made about our President would pale in comparison to those made about your candidate. For that reason, you get this message. Though I actually did vote to write a nice update, before I voted against it.
.
Goodbye for now and a final word to those of you who think I’m too biased or too mean. Remember all the cracks, all the ridicule, all your terrorist sympathizer rallies, and all your Hollywood buddies ripping all of us over these past four years. Take that and remember two things. First, because of it, you energized every Republican out there. And two, I hold no grudges. In all seriousness, though we’re on opposite sides, I extend the olive branch of peace to you all. In fact, I’d like to invite you to our own little concert, sure, it may not be as big as your “Rock the Vote” shows, but we all enjoy it. If you’d like to attend and see what all your work did, be at the steps of the United States Capitol on January 20th around noon.
.
Tell Mr. Springsteen he’s welcomed to bring his guitar.
My Favorite Web Sites
