Jokes
- I assume full responsibilites for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
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What is Normal?
(Diagnostic criteria for NPD: Normal Personality Disorder)
1- A chronic feeling of normalness
2- A tendency to bore others easily
3- A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal
4- Lack of difficulty getting organised
5- Ability to be humorous
6- Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to
7- An inability to create and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by
8- Highly stimulated by lectures, speeches, dead cockroaches and other normals
9- An unbroken remote control
10- A To-Do list which gets done
11- A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than one week:
- job
- relationship
- schedule
- patience
- passing grades
- sex
- normals
12- A methodical nature
13- Affectionately known as a "bump on the log" or "nytol substitute"
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SIGNS YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
* You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
* You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."
* You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
* You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
* Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root canal.
* On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
* You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
* Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
* Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
* You've cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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-Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.
-I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
-Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
-Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
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