~Chapter
15~
Ghetto
Pigs picking up sticks and Howie falls from the sky
The
fairy Tale chapter
~By
Once upon a time, in a land far, far
away, there was a village called PimPigStyIt (that's
short for Pimp Pig Style It). In the village, there lived a 25 year old
pig named PigDiddy. He was collecting sticks in the
woods to make a new and bigger house with his 2 older brothers. It was while he
was busy picking up the last batch of sticks into his mini truck, that a human
being fell from the open sky with a huge thud.
Writer: I said a
HUGE thud.
THUD!
"Oww!" Howie yelled
as he fell flat on his face into the slightly muddy ground.
"I know I
walked in by a door, how can I possibly drop from the sky!"
Writer: The door
was up there.
"In the sky?"
Writer: Yeah,
you got a problem with that?
"As a
matter of fact, I do! How come I....”
As Howie started
yapping his negative thoughts away and began to verse in Spanish and confuse
the poor writer, Nick, Brian, Kevin and AJ walked out of a tree trunk.
“Whoa, tree trunk! Awesome!” Brian cried as he looked back from where he came
from.
“I think the author
has a fascination with trees.” Kevin said.
Writer: I thought you
like trees, Kevin
“This is borderline
obsessive.” Kevin said. “I mean, walking out from a tree?
Writer: I’m sorry your
imagination is limited.
“Well, your
imagination is too-”
“There’s a pig, in overalls.”
AJ said, frozen on the spot. Nick, who was also frozen next to him, nodded.
“And he’s walking, with two legs.”
Kevin, losing his
concentration, decided to stop arguing and look over where Howie was standing
next to the pig in overalls.
“Holy doo doo, you’re
a pig!” Howie said, surprised.
“I think we’ve
established that.” Kevin said in utter amusement.
“Sup. The name’s PigDiddy, you dig?” PigDiddy said as he offered a, er,
handshake.
“No, not Dig, I’m
Howie D.” Howie said as they shook hands.
“Say what?” PigDiddy asked, confused.
“Er,
D, I think that was ghetto slang.” Nick said, still afraid to move.
“Dude,
like, PDiddy?” AJ exclaimed.
“Who’s PDiddy?” PigDiddy asked.
Brian grinned and
readily approached the pig. “Hi, I’m Brian, nice to meet you.”
Meanwhile, Howie was
checking the pig out discreetly –
“Okay, that’s just
GROSS! I’m NOT checking a pig out! Especially if it’s a
ghetto pig!”
“Watchu’
tryinta say? You got a beef with me dawg? Just cuz I’m ghetto and
shit?” PigDiddy said as his, er,
hands, started flying around ghetto style.
Writer: Ok, first of
all, you have a dirty mind Howie! And second of all, if you would only let me
finish my sentence, you’ll know that I didn’t mean it that way!
Kevin meanwhile, went
over to Nick and whispered, “Why is this pig reminding me of someone?”
“You’re crazy Kevin.”
Nick scoffed.
Meanwhile, Howie was
checking the pig out discreetly, convinced that it was a man in a pig suit.
“So what’s crackin’ man?” PigDiddy asked
Brian. “Watchu doin’
comin’ outta from dat trunk? Dat phat yo, didn’t noe you culd do dat, yanno?”
Brian grinned even
wider, unsure if he got all that was said. “Yeah…”
Kevin and AJ looked at
each other and then at Nick.
“What’s up with the
looks?” Nick asked uneasily.
“Nick, PigDiddy sounds like you!” AJ cried.
“Dude now you’re just
begging me to kick your ass.” Nick grunted.
Meanwhile, Brian was
still doing his best trying to understand PigDiddy.
“Just wondering PigDiddy, where are we?”
“Dis
the woods dawg. Been pickin’ up sticks. Makin’
a new crib with my brothas, it’s
gonna be whack yo!”
“You have brothers?”
Kevin asked.
“2 brothas
fo life yo!
We gonna hook up some kick ass deco and shit. Pimpin da lifestyle yanno?”
Kevin nodded. “Right…yo.”
Nick looked at PigDiddy, trying to understand why everyone else seemed
okay that a talking pig was standing right in front of them. At this rate, Nick
was sure that the only sane one left besides him, was AJ.
“Hey, what’s that
supposed to mean!” Brian said, looking at Nick, who was currently shocked that
Brian could read his mind. “I can read minds?”
“That’s not cool.”
Nick shook his head.
“Cool!” Brian grinned.
“And I’m just friendly!”
Friendly my ass, Nick
thought.
“Nick!”
“Brian! Stop reading
my mind!”
“Stop calling me your
ass!”
Yeah cause my ass is prettier.
“Nick!”
“What!”
“Whoa, dude Brian, you
remind me of my brother dawg.” PigDiddy said,
breaking up the fight. “But he cant read minds and all
that shit.”
AJ giggled. “Why am I
not surprised?”
“At what?”
Nick asked.
“Nothing.”
AJ said, even though he really wanted to say that PigDiddy
reminds him of Nick, so if there is a Nick Pig, there should be a Brian pig
somewhere.
“I heard that.” Brian
said.
“Stop reading my
fucking mind!” AJ groaned.
Howie, after much
convincing that it was indeed a real life pig in overalls standing next to him,
decided to step in and calm things down.
“Okay guys listen.
We’re obviously in another stupid genre-”
“Howard, don’t censor
your own words man.” Brian laughed.
“What?”
“You were going to say
the F word.”
“Interrupt me one more
time and I will.” Howie smiled. “Anyway, we’re in another stupid genre and for
some reason, this writer thinks it’s ingenious to let Brian have this ‘gift’ of
mind reading!”
“And made pigs wear
overalls!” AJ pointed out.
“And
trying to be ghetto.”
Nick added.
“Nick bro, you have no
place to talk about that one.” Kevin smirked.
“You’re supposed to be
on MY side.” Nick pouted.
“Dude what’s your effing problem?” PigDiddy called
out to Nick, which surprised the blonde one.
“I don’t have any
problems.”
“Yeah you do dawg. You got beef wit me, sup wit dat?”
Nick rolled his eyes.
“You just called me a dog, said I have cow meat with you and you’re a PIG, that TALKS. Of course, everything’s
fine and dandy!”
“That ain’t fair dude. I was just reading the storyline that the
writer made for me.” PigDiddy defended himself.
Howie snorted. “Of
course, the writer always doesn’t make much sense.”
Writer: I can bring
back the bear that I remember fondly, was going for your head Howie.
Howie looked at Kevin,
who had been rather quiet throughout the entire ordeal. “Kevin, are you just
going to stand there and not say something? I mean, where do we draw the line
anyway? When she turns all of us into different poultries?”
Writer: Hey, that’s an
idea…
Kevin scratched his
head. “I don’t want her to bring back the angry duck. I think a talking pig is
okay.”
“You’re just scared of
the duck.” Brian laughed, which got a kick out of Nick and AJ. And dare this
writer say, the pig.
“You’re really getting
to piss me off Cousin!”
AJ rested his hand on PigDiddy’s shoulder. “There he goes again, the big C.”
“I’ve been told that
Kevin here is very fond of letting everyone know Brian is his cousin.” PigDiddy said.
“He does.” Nick
giggled.
“Hey,” AJ said as he
started feeling PigDiddy’s shoulder.
“That’s borderline
slash.” Howie interrupted.
Writer: Howie, stop
with the slash talk!
AJ was still feeling PigDiddy’s shoulder. “I didn’t know pig skin was smooth
dude.”
“I moisturize.” PigDiddy said.
Before AJ could
comment on it and wonder what kind of moisturizer a pig would use, another
voice was heard from a distance in the woods.
“PigDiddy
where the heck did you go boy?”
Nick’s eyes grew wider
as he looked at AJ. “There’s another pig that talks out there.”
“And I bet he talks
like Brian.”
Nick frowned. “AJ,
you’re seriously scaring me.”
“Dude, get a clue.
This writer is making the pigs resemble all of us. We have PigDiddy,
the frustrated ghetto wannabe, now, if that doesn’t ring Nick Carter, I don’t
know what will.”
“But I’m NOT ghetto!
I’m a rocker!” Nick argued.
For some reason, AJ had
to laugh at that. “Nicky, Sphynkter isn’t real.”
Writer: Which the video
rocks, by the way
“Aww,
why thank you writer!”
Writer: You’re very
much welcome Nick. You look so stupid with that mullet, but oh so hot as a rocker.
“Aww that’s because I’m both stupid and hot.”
Writer: Aww I know!
“Wait, I didn’t say
that! You made me say it!”
Writer: I’m just
quoting you on the stupid thing. You said so yourself in some interview.
“Well I wasn’t thinking
then.” Nick said.
Writer: And that means
you’re kinda stupid right?
“Well…”
PigDiddy
scratched his head. “Yo, watchu lookin’ at? You talkin’ wit trees man? Yo I think your friend here is crazy dawg!”
“It’s not the trees,
it’s the damn writer!” Kevin huffed. “Speaking of which, I’m sure it’s all nice
to have your little conversation with the blonde one, I’m sure he’s your
favorite and all-”
Writer: You are my
second favorite though.
“That’s nice to know,”
Kevin replied sarcastically. “But we are in the middle of a…chapter, here, and
you’re not going anywhere with it.”
Writer: God Kevin, you
can be SO uptight sometimes. Fine, let me go back and see where I left this
story at.
“Thank you.”
Writer: sure.
While AJ and Nick were
arguing, PigDiddy did a shout out to his brother to
let him know where he was. Before long, the boys found another walking, talking
pig coming towards them.
Now this pig, despite
being as blonde as PigDiddy, wasn’t wearing overalls.
He was wearing a basketball jersey complete with a visor on his head and the
hugest grin ever.
“Dude, you got some
humans wit you Diddiyo!”
PigDiddy
went over and rested his arm on the pig’s shoulder. “Everyone, dis my goofball bro, PigDaddy.”
Kevin bent sideways a
little and whispered to AJ, “You know the next one will be PigDuddy
right?”
AJ nodded. “And I fear
that Duddy will sound like me.”
“Good thing there’re
only 3 of them.” Kevin smiled.
“Yeah, writer, can you
please bring back the angry duck and that bear?”
Writer: Don’t worry AJ,
all in good time.
Meanwhile, Brian was
introducing himself to PigDaddy…
“Hi I’m Brian, I’m a
daddy myself.” Brian heard AJ and Nick
burst out laughing at the back but ignored them.
“Good to see ya dawg,” PigDaddy
said. “watchu guys doin’ her?”
Brian quickly waved his
hands in the air and shook his head. “Oh no, we’re not doing any girl. I’m
married.”
This time, it got a
laugh out of Howie.
“Shame on you Brian,
even Howie knows what that means.” Kevin said.
“What?” Brian asked.
“He said ‘here’, just
in that…slang.” Nick explained.
“Like, hot in heerre? You know that Nelly song?” AJ explained.
Howie was still
laughing.
“Fine!”
Brian pouted. “And to answer your question PigDaddy,
we have no idea. I supposed the writer is giving us another genre but I still
have no idea if there’s any plot so far.”
“Maybe she’s still thinking
of one.” Kevin said. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Writer: Or maybe you’re
just too damn slow. There’re 3 pigs, 2 are talking and picking up wood to make
a house, where do you think I’m going with this?
“I hope not the
slaughter house.” Nick said. “That would be mean.”
Writer: Anyone else
besides the blonde want to make a smart guess?
Howie raised his hand.
“I’d go for a fairy tale and the whole 3 little pigs, but this one is just
stupid.”
Somewhere out there in
the woods, a hungry bear started to growl. It was so loud that everyone could
hear them. If one would listen really
carefully, the bear was actually growling HHHOOOOWWWIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
“Okay okay, I’m SORRY! It wasn’t stupid okay?”
Writer: Good, cause it
IS a fairy tale, only with a twist.
“How come you didn’t go
for the obvious ones, like Cinderella?” Nick asked.
Writer: Because I’m
tired of writing female characters that you will fall in love with Nick.
Nick’s lips started to
quiver. “I miss Nicole.”
Kevin shook his head
and turned back to look at the two pigs. He noticed that PigDaddy
had a huge bling hanging around his neck. It was
diamond studded and with the letters P and D on it.
“Wait,
time out.”
Writer: You love those
time outs don’t you?
“I guess.”
Writer:
Okay make it quick, you’re disrupting my flow here and I’m in danger of missing
my deadline!
“Wow
you have deadlines?”
Writer:
Why yes Brian, I do. I cannot run on Backstreet Time you know.
“Can
I have my time out now?” Kevin whined. “I did NOT whine.”
Writer:
You just did. So, what’s your time out about? You have 10 seconds.
“Okay
see, I find this stupid. How can a pig afford diamond
studded blings around his neck, and is picking up sticks to build a damn house? You’re not really
good at writing are you?”
Writer:
Great, 10 seconds is up.
While
the boys plus the two pigs were still explaining to each other why they were
there, they heard another voice yelling from a distance.
“Holy
mother fuckin’ shit where the fuckin’
fuck did you two go to! Diddy! Daddy! Where the fuck are you, you mother fuckahs!”
Brian,
who was at first so alarmed, stopped in his tracks and shook his head. “Oh
wow…whoever is out there…he’s um…very…colorful.”
“Shouldn’t
this chapter be PG13?” Howie asked.
Writer:
Howie, please don’t pull a Kevin and interrupt me.
“That’s
our brother dawg, PigDuddy.”
PigDaddy said.
AJ
shook his head. “Nothing can surprise me anymore.”
Writer:
I bet you’re wrong.
So
walk in PigDuddy, in black shirt and a pair of jeans
that is torn in many places. He also had eyeliner under his eyes and tattoos
all over his arms. Unlike PigDiddy and PigDaddy, PigDuddy is the Goth of
the family.
“Okay,
wasn’t expecting that.” AJ said.
“Get
yo ass here FOO!” PigDiddy
yelled at PigDuddy.
“Yeah
dawg, watchu yellin’ fo’
man? You gotta get it crunk
man!” PigDaddy said.
“I
never knew what crunk means.” Howie said.
Writer:
Me neither, I’m not ghetto. Now can you please not interrupt!
“What’s
rawkin’ humans!” PigDuddy
yelled in his rockish voice.
“Not
much.” Brian smiled ever the friendly one. “We’re still waiting on some kind of
a plot.”
“I
thought you can read minds...you should know what's going to happen next."
Howie said.
"It's
kinda limited. Writers are beyond my boundary."
Brian explained. Howie nodded as if it made sense when it didn't.
"So..."
PigDuddy started as he took out a pack of cigarettes.
AJ looked on, salivating. Nick was close behind him. "We juz stand here and wait for a fuckin'
plot?"
"It's
so fawkin' hawt dawg...we should go somewhere and chill." PigDiddy pointed out.
Kevin
immediately interrupted. "Wait! We can't go anywhere...what if the writer
can't find us? She needs to finish off this stupid chapter so we can find another
door and move on!"
"Can
I have a stick?" AJ asked PigDuddy.
"You
smoke dude?" PigDuddy asked. AJ nodded.
"You're so cool!"
Brian
shook his head. Kevin was utterly disgusted. Howie was checking out the tree
that the other guys had came out from. He was still
very unhappy that he had to drop from the sky alone.
"Can
I have one too?" Nick asked.
"Nicky
you really shouldn't." Brian said.
"Aww why not?"
"Haven't
you noticed something bro? You're always the one that the writer loves to hurt.
I can only imagine what a cig will do to you in this forest." Brian
explained.
"You
could start a forest fire and ruin Mother Nature." Kevin pointed.
Nick
pouted. "I was thinking if I lit a stick, it'll scare the mosquitoes away,
they seem to be everywhere and I'm already itching!"
There
was silence for about five seconds before Brian shrugged. "Can I have one
as well?"
"Yeah me too."
Howie said.
While
they were busy passing out cigarettes, Kevin noticed a small person walking
towards them. It looked like a little girl, but it was difficult to tell behind
her red cloak.
"Hey,
you pigs know who that is?" Kevin asked as he pointed to the figure.
PigDaddy nodded happily. "Oh she our homie dawg. She's so phat yo! She mah
girl that red riding hood!"
"Red
Riding...oh!" Kevin caught himself.
"Yo Riding Hood, wassup shortie?"
Red
Riding Hood skipped along towards them and waved to everyone. "Hi my favorite piglets! I see you have company!"
"Yeah,
dis my friends! Brian, Howie, Nick, AJ and that hot
ass right there is Kevin."
Nick
looked at Brian and mouthed out 'hot ass' before they
both cringed.
"How
do you do boys!" Red Riding Hood greeted them.
"We're
good, thanks!" Brian cheered. "So where are you heading to Red Riding
Hood?"
"Duh
Brian, even I know how this fairy tale goes." AJ pointed out. "You're
on your way to meet Grandma aren't you?"
"Why
yes! She's sick and I must hurry with her lunch! Catch you guys later!"
They
waved as she skipped along.
"Nice
kid." Kevin said.
"She da bomb!" PigDiddy said.
"Rawkin' ma
sack!" PigDuddy yelled.
"DUDDY!"
PigDiddy and PigDaddy
exclaimed. "Dat's not cool yo!"
While
the pigs were busy arguing about their ethical issues, AJ suddenly turned
alarmed.
"Guys...if
there's Red Riding Hood, then there should be a wolf on his way
here!"
"A what!"
Nick yelled.
"Yeah...like
in the story!" Brian gasped.
"Calm
down," Kevin said. "This writer always has twists; I bet there's no
wolf in this one."
And
then, there came a wolf.
"Kevin
you suck!" Brian cried.
"So much for a twist."
Kevin mumbled.
The
wolf looked like any other wolf, except that he was wearing a black sweater with
a hood, black jeans that had a long chain on it. He had a spiky belt and necklace.
"Are
you going to eat us?" Nick asked. "Cause if you do, you might want to
go for Howie, he's Puerto Rican Irish, very
yummy."
"Gee
thanks Nick." Howie grumbled.
"No
problem D!" Nick smiled.
"Humans
are yuckky." The wolf said cooly.
"Yuckky?"
AJ made a face. "Who says yuckky anymore?"
"I
do," the wolf said. "I just said it didn't I?
You got a hearing problem baldy?"
"Brian!"
AJ yelled as he made Brian hold on to him. "Hold me back now or I swear
I'll go slaughter this wolf!"
Brian
looked at AJ who kept shoving his arm at him and decided to take it.
"Okay...I'm holding you back...I think."
"Good,
cause I can really do a number on this asshole!"
"Right."
Brian snickered as he felt AJ kept shoving his arm at him, wanting him to hold
him back.
The
wolf ignored AJ and looked at the three pigs. "Where the
fuck is your house porky!"
"It's
still not built yet!" PigDaddy explained.
"But
you three fucks promised me a fucking house with jacuzzi and all that shit! I told my guys the party's
on tonight dude!"
Nick
went near Kevin and whispered, "I don't think this fairy tale is for kids
Kevin."
"Yeah...and
the wolf is friends with them? What the heck!"
"But
it does look like you Kevin." Nick pointed out.
"What?
Like ME?"
"Yeah,
look at those eyebrows! A baby elephant can get lost in there!" Nick
exclaimed.
"Stupid
bitch, she made the wolf looks like ME?" Kevin growled.
"Kevin,
you're cussing...like him." Nick said.
"What?...Argh!"
Meanwhile,
back with the pigs....
"Aight man, it better be done by tonight aight?
I gotta go catch up with Riding Hood now." The
wolf said as they did their secret handshake.
Once the wolf left, Howie was left puzzled
with the things that had just transpired. The writer
lied when she said she had a twist, she had tons of them and none were making
any sense.
"So...the
wolf is your friend?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah."
PigDuddy nodded. "You sayin' he shouldn't be? What, you're pickin' out our fuckin' friends
now?"
Kevin
backed away. "No no...all's
cool...yo."
Brian
shook his head. "No! This is wrong. That wolf is BAD news!"
PigDuddy glared at Brian.
"Listen here you mutha*bleep*! You got no right tellin' us dat you human!"
"Wow...she's
censoring them now? Too late for that don't you think?" Howie said to
Nick.
Writer:
My boss passed by, so I have to write nice. He was already asking who PigDiddy was earlier today.
"Oh,
okay." Howie nodded. "Careful now, you might get caught at
work."
Writer:
I will thanks!
"You
have to believe Brian, he can read minds!" AJ pointed out.
"Says who!"
PigDuddy yelled.
"Says the writer."
Kevin said. "She said it earlier when you weren't here."
"I
don't believe it!" PigDuddy said.
"They're
telling the truth, Brian can read minds and that wolf is bad news!" Hootie the owl said from a branch of a tree.
"Hootie the
owl?" AJ cried. "Who the fuck is Hootie?"
"Whoa!
Hootchie?
What? Where? Where?" Nick asked excitedly,
already looking behind a tree.
"Not hootchie you horny
person, hootie!"
AJ said.
"Oh,"
Nick said, rather disappointed. "Hey, he looks like you Howard!"
"Shut
up Nickolas!" Howie grumbled. Hootie the owl has big brown eyes and a flock of
curly...hair....on his head. Hootie the owl
also...winks.
"Hey
Hootie, how do you know Brian isn't
lying?" Nick asked.
"Cause
I'm an owl, I'm supposed to be wise, dumbass."
This
time, it was Howie who was laughing.
"Well
then," PigDuddy said, brushing Brian's
shoulders. "Do tell me why the wolf is bad news for us."
"Well
see, he's pretending to be your friends, but all he wants is to wait for you to
build that house and he'll huff and he'll puff, and he'll blow your house down!
And then...he'll EAT all of you! He'll have you in bacon PigDiddy, and BBQ for Daddy
and roasted for Duddy."
"Wow...I
thank the Lord fo' yo' gift! It's the shit!" PigDiddy
said.
Writer:
You can thank me, actually, but whatever.
"Well,
I guess there is a plot afterall." Kevin said.
"Yeah...I
think we saved a fairy tale." Howie agreed.
"I
wonder what happened to Red Riding Hood and her grandmother though." AJ
pondered.
"We
gotta get goin', we gotta boil some water and cook da
wolf before he got us yo." PigDiddy
said.
"Yeah...and
I guess we have another door to open." AJ said.
"I'm
gonna miss my mind reading ability though." Brian
said as they opened the door in the same tree they came from.
"She
better not drop me from the sky again on the next one." Howie whined.
"She
better get her act together and write a damn logicical fanfic!" Kevin
huffed.
While
the pigs left and the guys were going through the tree door, Nick waited in
line and picked a large stone and aimed it high up the tree. It hit Hootie the owl right between the eye and it fell on the
ground with a huge thud and a rather loud 'ow!'
"That's
for calling me a dumbass