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Feline Humor ;-)

Dogs believe they are human~Cats believe they are God~


A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into the bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.


Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

You find a stash of "Feline Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

Cyanide paw prints all over the house.

Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM."

Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

You find blueprints for a Rube Goldburg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

Actually acknowledges your presence

Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.


 1)   Cats do what they want.
 2)   They rarely listen to you.
 3)   They're totally unpredictable.
 4)   They whine when they are not happy.
 5)   When you want to play, they want to be alone.
 6)   When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 7)   They expect you to cater to their every whim.
 8)   They're moody.
 9)   They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

  Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.


St Peter is receptionist at the entrance of Heaven. A cat shows up and St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."
Cat; "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."
St Peter says "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."
Next, a group of mice appeared and St Peter greeted them and said: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals.  Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you have always wanted."
The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"
And St Peter says "Granted. You shall have your wish."
The next day St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"
And the cat smiles and says, "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

A Cat's Resolutions

  Never eat the cat food I spill on to the floor. Humans are around, they can clean it up. If they can't put it in the center of the bowl, it's their problem.

  Not eat just anything the Big Owner lays out for me.  I will do my best to hold out for superior brands of Haagen Dazs.

  Extend the freshness of my cat box by using it only half the time.

Never push items off the headboard on to the owners heads while they are sleeping...unless, of course, they are sleeping in late. Then all bets are off.  Late is anything after my new 6:00 a.m. feeding time.

  Avoid the Vet like a dog.  I will never again fall for the "lure me in to the carrying case with kitty treats" trick again.

  Purr...Owners love it when cats purr.  I will purr as loud as possible in my Big Owner's ear.  Most often at 3 a.m. when he is trying to sleep and I am bored.

  Never cough up hair balls in different parts of the house.  I'll wait until the dead of night and lay them out on the carpet next to the Big Owner's bed...and watch him step in it first thing in the morning.

  Drive owners crazy trying to figure out if I want to go 'in' or 'out' the door each morning.

Act more disinterested than ever in human activities.  This will mean adding two additional hours to my sleep schedule every day.  It's going to be tough but someone has to lead by example.

  Act less human than ever this year by KEEPING all my resolutions.

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

Cyber Pet
Your guide to pet information


END ;-)