IT REALLY IS A SHITTY LIFE
Well we’re back, mainly because there’s no good football game on, but that’s beside the point. Now over the years folks have sent in tens of e-mails asking exactly what goes on behind the scenes in order to produce this high quality production each week. Based on these e-mails, I can assume three things:
1) There’s a lot of unemployed drifters with access to the internet.
2) There’s a good portion of the population who wants to kill me
3) Each week? HA! Your lucky to get 3 a year!
Either way, it occurred to me that the 6 or 7 of you out there who haven’t threatened me may enjoy one of those “Day in the Life” things. To that end here is an account of my day on Sunday, September 21, 2003. Now like many out there, I always “Keep Holy the Sabbath” and refuse to work on Sundays or any day which ends in Y. However, I had circled this day because later that night, the Bills and Fins would be playing. Here now is that day and after reading it, please remember that its better to laugh than think about the amount of professional assistance that is needed.
9 A.M. – Wake up to look at the alarm clock and laugh.
11 A.M. – See 9 A.M.
Noon — Up early, its time to shower to make sure I’m ready for the early NFL games.
12:30 – Ponder “investing” in the Vikings-Lions game. Surely no way the Vikes can go 3-0, right?
1:00 – Grab some food and prepare to watch. Blood pressure is a healthy 120/80.
1:10 – Wow, glad I didn’t play the Lions.
1:45 – I have Cory Dillion on my fantasy team, therefore, I’m not happy to see him writhing in pain on the sidelines.
2:20 – I’m playing against Daunte Culpepper. Apparently he’s become Joe Montana since the last time I saw him.
3:00 – I’ve grown tired of these meaningless game; Still 5 and a half hours till the Bills, better eat now to ensure it’ll stay down.
4:30 – Yeah!! My boy Brett Favre has thrown a TD, surely a sign of things to come for my team!
5:15 – Three hours to kickoff, starting to fidget a bit……is Favre ok????
6:30 – I find out why one of my wide receivers has put up “sub-par” numbers……he’s wearing jeans and a hat in the press box………..blood pressure has risen to 140 / 90.
6:42 – All kidding aside, is Favre dead?!?! Is he filming Something About Mary 2? WHAT THE FUCK BRETT!?!?!?!……………BP now 160 / 110.
7:10 – Well, my fantasy team sucks.
7:30 – Now one hour to kickoff and the preparation has begun. Phone is put on charge, away message is up, and pacing route has been established.
7:45 – Should’ve eaten dinner around noon, 5 hours not enough for it to settle.
8:00 – All bad luck omens have been put away; the “lucky shirt” which hasn’t been washed in a year or two is now starting to ripen nicely.
8:15 – Commercial shows warm-ups; the first death threat is screamed; Family begins final lock down preparations – knives are hidden, earplugs are inserted, prayers are said.
8:25 – Time to go to the bathroom. Bad luck to go during game, (see Bills v. Jets game of 1998.)
8:41 -- KICKOFF!!!!!!!!!!! BP now 210 / 170.
8:42 – I sit to watch the game
8:42:30 – I’ve begun pacing.
8:45 – BILLS PICK IT OFF!!!! YEAH!!!!!! LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!
8:47 – Fins pick it off; I remind myself there’s no shame in suicide
9:03 – BILLS GET THE FUMBLE AT THE 5!!!!!!! SUPER BOWL BABY!! NOTHING CAN STOP US N……………..
9:04 – A half-back option pass which the Fins pick off……..I then voice my displeasure at the play calling.
9:07 – I’m still voicing my displeasure………BP now enough to kill a Clydesdale
9:10 – Venting ends when I realize I forgot to close the window
9:12 – Neighborhood parents begin the discussion with their children about what certain words mean and why they can’t be repeated
9:45 – Halftime, Bills down 7-0. It’s now time to change rooms, the living room is obviously cursed as I always knew. After 20 minutes of frantic pacing, random obscenities, and intense nausea, I’m now ready for the second half
10:07 – Bills offense seems a touch sluggish, I then suggest they should regroup and perhaps inquire as to if a physician may be able to assist in removing their cranium’s from another part of their bodies.
10:13 – The first punch is thrown after I mistake the computer chair for a dolphin which is mocking me; After 5 minutes, I realize my mistake.
10:25 – The blood pressure machine no longer is producing numbers, now just says “Good Luck You Poor Bastard”
10:30 – Bills run an INT back for a Touchdown!!!!! All is good! Not only are the Bills now only a field goal behind, but my fantasy team just got 6!!
10:32 – I’m now Tony Robins, nothing can bring me down! Time to mount the comeback
10:33 – I inquire as to why God hates me
10:50 – Not looking good for the Bills at all, plus this stupid numbness in my arm and pain in my chest is REALLY pissing me off!
10:58 – Now 17-7 Fins; I black out
10:58:40 – Realize I’m not lucky enough to black out on my own, running into the wall seems like a good idea.
10:59 – OUCH!! Damn, ok I’ll just live with it
11:15 – Well we’re 2-1, not bad, but I wanted to beat the Fins, just have to wait till December I guess. But you know what, it doesn’t matter if we won or lost, cause we tried our best and that makes us winners!
11:15:05 PM – I begin crying hysterically
12:30 AM – Crying and screaming ends
12:32 AM – Well its been a rough day, I’ll just check my fantasy team and head to bed.
12:34 AM – WHACK………WHACK…………WHACK………WHACK
12:35 AM – The wall is dented, my head is bleeding and my day is over.
So there you have it. Just another average day that I’m sure you’ve all had a hundred times. Hopefully this has given you a little insight to just what goes on during those minutes I’m not working on this site. Thanks for your concern.
Before I go, some thoughts:
People have always said that when the big one hits, California may break off and float away. After watching the recall election, I think I now speak for everyone when I ask if that thing Gene Hackman tried in Superman to cause an earthquake can actually work. What a freak show that place is.
Peerless Price? Paging Mr. Peerless Price? Hello????
Carol Mosley-Braun formally announced her candidacy for President in 2004. In other campaign news, I’m running for head of the Arab Defamation League. Granted, both are chances are slim, but at least people know who the hell I am.
Family Guy = Genius.
Well that’s it for now. The good news is that with 13 games left, there’s a good chance I’ll feel the need to write again. Or shoot myself, you know, one or the other.
The Facts of Jim Land
My Favorite Web Sites
ESPN- Best Site on the Web
Best Bills Site on the Web
Awareness is the First Step To A Cure
This Is Where I Do My Christmas Shopping
