Dedicated with love and respect to the memory of Kevin Smith.
No copyright infringements intended via my non-profit use of characters owned by RenPics and Universal Studios.
“Here you go.”
Iolaus smiled brightly at the pretty girl as she set the bowl of steaming stew before him. She returned his smile, before ducking her head shyly and refilling his mug with ale, giving the hunter the intuitive feeling that his meal would be on the house that evening. Very few serving girls had the fortitude to charge the handsome, charming warrior for a simple meal, a fact he’d discovered long ago. And on a good night, he’d find his accommodations taken care of, as well.
But that was later on. For the moment, the hunter was content to be out of the rain, making himself comfortable in the cozy inn with a hot meal. It was a peaceful way to spend a stormy night. At least, it would be, if he could manage to avoid the trouble coming his way. Iolaus had been aware of a group of ruffians in the corner shooting him looks and grumbling in his general direction ever since he’d entered the inn. He was hoping that if he ignored them, they’d remain content to whisper and point and leave him to his meal. But, as he took his first bite of the savory stew, the group of men rose and approached.
“Well, well. It’s been awhile, little man. Remember us?”
Iolaus was hungry, so he was willing to let their derisive comment about his height go. He sized up the five men quickly. Generic looking thugs. The kind he and Hercules ran into on a daily basis.
“No, I’m afraid I don’t,” he answered dismissively, turning back to his stew.
“Yeah, well, we remember you,” the leader sneered. “Last year you and Hercules gave us some trouble outside of Tiryns. We’ve been waiting for the chance to return the favor, haven’t we, boys?”
The hunter sighed as the group snickered and elbowed each other, the anticipation of revenge putting a gleam in their dull eyes.
“Look fellas,” he said calmly. “I haven’t eaten since yesterday and I’m really not in the mood for this right now. So why don’t you guys just go on back to your table, let me eat in peace, and I’ll buy you all a round? What do you say?”
The head thug reached out an arm and swept the hunter’s meal off the counter, sending the bowl crashing to the floor. With his other hand, he grabbed Iolaus’ well worn vest and hoisted the smaller man up to face him.
“I’ll buy the round,” the thug growled. “In honor of the trophy your lifeless body will make across my table.”
With lightening speed, Iolaus fought his way free and faced off against the gang, sword in hand.
“Tartarus will seem like the Elysian Fields compared to what we’re going to do to you!” the head thug shrieked, his hands desperately trying to stop the bleeding from his broken nose.
“I wouldn’t recommend that.”
The gang turned to face the stranger behind them.
“Stay out of this, pal. This isn’t your concern,” the thug that was second-in-command ordered.
“I’m afraid it is my concern. And if you witless apes don’t back off of my friend there, you’re going to find yourselves in a whole new world of pain.”
“You want to take your friend’s place? That’s fine by us. We could use a little warm-up before we get to the main event.”
The thug rushed the newcomer, only to find his dagger plucked effortlessly from his hand as he was lifted off the ground by his throat. He clawed at the hand that was cutting off his air, but he was no match for the strength and power of his new foe. A glowing ball of flame appeared in his free hand, and he brandished it with a threatening glee.
“This is a nice place and I’d hate to torch it. So why don’t you idiots all make like good little boys and run along and find a new playmate?”
Dim-witted, but not suicidal, the thugs did not have to be told twice. Unwilling to risk the further fury of the gods, they scrambled over themselves in an effort to get out of the door, dragging their half-choked companion along with them. Iolaus remained where he was, sword poised and ready, watching them flee, before turning with an expression of disbelief.
“Ares... What are you doing?”
“Saving your life,” the god of war told him matter of factly.
“Ok,” the hunter frowned, sliding his sword back into its sheath. “You’re going to have to walk me through this. Why are you helping me?”
“I was in the area. Looked like you could use a hand.”
“Not that I’m trying to seem ungrateful,” Iolaus began, running a hand through his hair as he slid back into his seat at the counter. “But I could have handled those guys. And you still haven’t explained why...”
“Hey, I saved your life!” Ares was obviously annoyed. “You got that?”
“All right,” the hunter murmured, rubbing his temples tiredly. He wondered briefly if he’d had more ales than he previously thought, and he was now suffering through some kind of drunken hallucination.
“I saved your life,” the god insisted quietly, but forcefully. “And now you owe me.”
“You’ve got to be kidding.” Iolaus looked incredulously at him. “You’ve tried to kill me about a thousand times over the last few years, now you toss me this scrap and think that I’m somehow indebted to you?” The hunter laughed at the sheer audacity, tossing back the ale in his mug with one large swallow.
“Believe me,” Ares growled. “If there were any other way, I wouldn’t be here. But I....”
“What was that?” Iolaus cupped a hand to his ear as the god muttered something, wanting to be sure he’d actually heard what he thought he’d just heard.
“I said, I need your help,” Ares repeated through gritted teeth, causing the hunter to nearly fall off his stool.
“*You* need *my* help?” he squeaked, becoming more certain with each passing moment that he WAS hallucinating.
“Don’t make me say it again,” the god cautioned, shuddering inwardly as he realized he’d been reduced to asking for the assistance of a mortal. “And besides, you owe me now!”
Ares was definitely not one to be trusted, and Iolaus’ better judgment was telling him to politely decline and hit the road. But his curiosity got the better of him.
“What do you need me for?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, you’d better start talking, because I’m not agreeing to anything until I know exactly what you want me to do and why.”
The god met the blue-eyed stare, so full of suspicion. Well, he had to admit he probably deserved it.
“Fine,” Ares sighed, sliding onto the stool next to the hunter. He motioned to the serving girl, who had been cowering nervously in the corner, and instructed her to replace Iolaus’ meal, giving her a handful of dinars. She quickly brought him another bowl of stew, along with a mug of ale for the god of war. “I don’t know how you mortals drink this swill,” he muttered to the hunter under his breath. “Someday I’m going to have to bring you some of the good stuff from Olympus.”
“I believe you had a story?” Iolaus reminded him dryly. He dove into his stew, trying hard not to laugh. There he was, sitting at the bar with Ares. Sharing a drink. The situation was so unbelievably surreal, he was having a hard time controlling his mirth.
“I need you to rescue someone,” the god told him. “Discord has kidnapped a girl under my protection and she’s holding her in a fortress outside of Argos. I can’t do anything, because of Zeus’ oh-so-clever rule that one god cannot interfere with another god. I need your to go in, get the girl, and bring her to me.”
“Just who is this girl, Ares, and what does Discord want with her?”
The god sighed in annoyance. Mortals could be so tiresome, with all of their questions and mistrust. Zeus just had to go and give them free will. It would have been so much better if they were subservient. But, they had their own minds, and this one before him had a strong will indeed. And Ares knew that he was never going to get his cooperation until his questions had all been satisfied.
“Her father was one of my generals. He died serving me, and his last request was that I look after his only daughter. This man had served me well, so I decided to keep my eye on the girl. As far as I can tell, Discord only took her to spite me. Her way of getting me back for some injustice she feels I put upon her.”
“I’d like to help, Ares, but after everything you’ve done, how can I be sure you’re telling me the truth?”
“You can’t. You’re just going to have to trust me.”
Iolaus hesitated, taking a long drink of his ale. Ares couldn’t be trusted. That was a plain fact. And yet, something in his gut was telling him that the god had spoken the truth.
“She’s an innocent.” There was a sudden softness to the god of war’s voice. “She doesn’t know why this is happening to her, and she’s afraid. Iolaus, I need you to get her away from Discord to safety. I made a promise to her father.”
“All right, I’ll do it,” the hunter said quickly. He had a feeling there was a “please” coming up, and he didn’t think he could take hearing that from Ares. It was bad enough realizing that one of the gods could possibly still feel a hint of compassion for a mortal. A sincere congeniality would have been too much of a shock to the system.
“No time like the present.”
Ares reached out his hand. Iolaus took a deep breath, hoping that he wasn’t about to make a huge mistake, and clasped the god’s hand in his own. There was a moment of weightlessness, the world a dizzying blur before him, and then all of sudden they were in Argos. It took the hunter a few seconds to clear his head and regain his balance. Once he was able to focus, he took in the sight of the foreboding fortress silhouetted against the dark sky.
“She’s at the top,” Ares told him. “Now I can keep Discord busy so that she won’t bother you, but you’re going to have to deal with the monster inside on your own.”
“Whoa, wait a minute,” Iolaus protested. “You never said anything about a monster!”
“What’s the big deal?” the god shrugged. “It’s not like you’ve never dealt with a monster before. You kill mine all the time.”
“Well just what kind of a monster are we talking about?”
“It’s a little one,” Ares assured him. “Easier than the hydra. You won’t even break a sweat.”
“It’s not slimy, is it?” the hunter sighed.
“Noooooo.”
“Any other last minute tidbits you’d like to share?”
“Yeah. Don’t try and swim the moat.”
“Why not?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
“Ok.” The hunter sighed again. “Then how am I supposed to get across?”
“Oh, for the love of Aphrodite... I’d be better off doing this myself. Come on.”
Iolaus followed the god down toward the fortress. It was surrounded by a large moat, the water still and ominously black in the dark A sort of drawbridge provided access to and from the building, but it was securely upraised and of no use to the hunter. Ares produced a bow and arrow, with a length of rope attached to the arrow shaft. He effortlessly sent the arrow flying, embedding it deep into the side of the fortress. He tied off the end of the rope around a post in the ground.
“Her name is Laia,” Ares told him. “Bring her over to those bushes where we arrived when you get her out. I’ll be waiting for you. Now, I’m going to go and distract Discord. Get going, and don’t screw this up!”
Equating “don’t screw up” with “good luck” in godspeak, Iolaus merely nodded as the god of war vanished. The hunter looked at the rope before him, stretched over the insidious moat. He tugged on it hard, testing its strength. It felt secure, but that somehow didn’t make him feel any better.
“How do I get myself into these things?” he muttered, beginning his hand over hand climb along the rope. As he began crossing the moat, he looped his ankles over the rope, crawling up it in a strange sort of shimmy. When he was halfway across, he paused, feeling the rope give slightly. Iolaus looked down into the black water, which had begun to swirl. “Ares was right,” he panted. “I really don’t want to know what’s down there.” The hunter resumed his crawl, going faster than he would have thought possible, desperate not to inadvertently discover the secret of the moat. Finally, he made it over, dropping to the ground with a shaky sigh of relief.
His next quandary was how to get inside. There was no way to open the drawbridge from the outside, and the only window was at the very top of the fortress. Iolaus circled the structure a few times, until he hit on a plan. Again, it was not his top choice, but it was all he had. Taking out his sword, the hunter cut off a short length from the rope that had served as his lifeline over the moat. As the severed end fell into the water, there was a rapid churning and splashing. Iolaus shivered unconsciously and hurried away from the edge of the moat, back to the fortress wall.
Four tall support columns ran parallel to the structure without actually touching it. Iolaus approached the one closest to the window and slid his rope around it before tying it securely around his waist. Taking a deep breath, he leaned back, pushing against the rope as he braced his feet against the beam. He grasped the rope tightly in his hands and leaned forward, gaining some slack. Quickly, he slid the rope farther up the beam and leaned back, stretching it taut before he could slide back down. He brought his feet up, bracing himself once more before sliding the rope up another few inches. And so he began the agonizing climb.
His body shaking with the exertion, Iolaus quit trying to measure his progress. He focused his mind on the routine of his labor. Lean, slide, back, feet up, hold... Then start all over again. It seemed to take forever, and he wasn’t sure he was going to make it. But finally, he found himself outside the prison of the one he‘d come to save. He was exhausted, but he gathered his remaining energy and swung himself over to the window ledge. As he sailed through the window, his entrance elicited a startled gasp from the room’s occupant.
Deciding it would be very unheroic to kiss the solid floor beneath him, the hunter gathered what remained of his dignity and stood up, straightening his clothing and running a hand through his wild curls. A young woman was huddled in the corner of the sparse room, her large, dark eyes staring at him fearfully.
“Don’t be afraid, Laia,” he told her gently. “My name is Iolaus. A friend sent me to get you out of here and see that you get back home.”
“What is going on? Why is this happening to me?” she whispered. There was a waver in her voice, but she was not crying. By this point, she had run out of tears.
“I know you don’t understand all this,” Iolaus said softly, taking a few steps forward and kneeling down in front of her. “And I don’t have time to explain it to you now. I’m going to get you out of here, but we have to hurry. Just please, come with me. I promise you everything will be all right.”
The girl was terrified, but the blue eyes beseeching her were so kind and the golden smile was so warm, she couldn’t help but comply with the man who had come to rescue her. She readily took his offered hand, and he helped her up and led her over to the door. It was locked, but he skillfully popped it open with the blade of his knife. The room opened up into a winding staircase leading down through the fortress. It was dark and damp, full of cobwebs and roaches. Iolaus pulled his sword from its sheath and took a torch from the wall inside the room, handing it to Laia.
“Hold this so the light shines in front of us as far as you can get it,” he instructed. “But stay behind me, and be ready to run if I tell you to.”
She nodded, linking her arm securely through his, keeping behind him but directing the torch forward to help illuminated the gloomy staircase. They began their descent, scarcely breathing as they carefully took each stair as quietly as possible. As they made their way closer and closer to the way out, Iolaus began to think that maybe they would make it out without any trouble. Or maybe not. A low snarl made his heart skip a beat. He froze, and Laia instinctively did the same. The hunter took the torch from her and scanned the area in front of them. He saw no signs of any monster, either before them or behind them. But whatever had made that sound had been very close. Almost right on top of them.
“Back up slowly,” Iolaus hissed, passing the torch back to Laia as he realized what was happening. As she began to move away, the hunter took a firm grip on his sword and lifted his head up. He saw the creature an instant before it attacked, launching itself from the ceiling and sending him crashing to the ground. Iolaus got his feet up and sent the monster sailing off of him with a powerful kick and immediately rolled to his feet.
“Damn Ares!” he yelled, looking with disgust at his arms and chest, which were coated with a sticky slime. With a new vengeance, Iolaus turned to face the monster. The beast looked like a giant slug, but it was strong and fast and had a wicked set of jaws. But the hunter had been violated, and he was not about to let such a transgression go unpunished. The skirmish was brief, and the creature was soon dead by the warrior’s sword.
“Maybe next time you won’t be so quick to slime a guy carrying a steel blade,” Iolaus admonished the still form, yanking his sword from the creature’s body.
“Can we go now?” Laia asked nervously, moving up behind the victorious hunter.
He rapidly agreed, and they finished their descent through the fortress without further incidents. Iolaus manually lowered the drawbridge, and they quickly escaped from the prison out into the night. As the hunter led her to the spot where he had arranged to meet Ares, he was surprised to find a carriage waiting for them. The driver had been instructed to take the girl home.
“Iolaus, I don’t know how I can ever thank you.” She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the cheek.
“You just did,” he grinned. “Be safe, Laia.” Extending his hand, Iolaus helped her into the carriage. She leaned out of the window and waved until the vehicle disappeared from sight. The hunter watched her go, proud that he’d been able to help her even though he couldn’t help feeling that their was something more that Ares hadn’t told him. Something more about who the girl really was and why she had become a pawn of the gods.
“How did it go?”
Iolaus spun around as the god of war materialized behind him.
“That monster give you any trouble?”
The hunter held out his arms, plainly indicating the goo that was smeared all over him.
“He slimed me. You know, the monster that you in no uncertain terms told me was definitely not slimy, slimed me.”
Ares cast an appraising eye over the outraged hunter, his lips twitching in amusement as he tried to bite back his laughter.
“All right,” the god said finally. “I’ll make it up to you. Next time Hades has your number, I’ll bail you out.”
“Really?” Iolaus looked uncertainly at Ares. He’d been bracing himself for the “this changes nothing” speech.
“Yeah.” The god of war shrugged and looked away. “I guess I owe you one.”
“Thanks.”
Ares looked back at the hunter.
“You can ask me. I know you’re dying to.”
“Why me?”
“It’s my business to follow all of the great warriors. You’re one of the best. I knew you could do this. More importantly, I knew you would.”
“What does that mean?” Iolaus asked, his head still spinning from the previous compliment from his old foe.
“Hercules, for example, sees the world in black and white. If I would have asked him to do this, it would have been one giant headache for both of us. People like you, however, look at the world in shades of gray. Things don’t have to be good or bad, right or wrong with you all the time. I knew I could ask this of you, and I knew that you’d do it, without having to analyze the situation fifty times over. The past between you and I, and the future we might have, didn’t enter into it. You had an instinct for the moment, and you went with it. Are you sorry?”
“No,” the hunter said quickly. “I’m glad Laia’s safe. She will be safe now, won’t she?”
“Yes. Discord wouldn’t dare hurt her, and I’ve got something in mind for her anyway that will make her think twice about messing with me for awhile.”
A predatory gleam shone from the god’s eyes, and Iolaus shivered in spite of himself.
“So, what now?” he asked.
“Now? I suggest you go and clean yourself up, because frankly, you smell.”
“Whose fault is that?” the hunter demanded indignantly, unconsciously trying to brush the drying slime from his skin. Ares held up his hand for silence.
“Shut up and listen to me, because I’m only going to say this once. And if anyone ever asks, I’ll deny every word.” He took a deep breath and looked the warrior squarely in the eye. “I appreciate your help, Iolaus. Thank you.”
The words stunned the hunter into silence. He didn’t know how to respond, so he just gave a brief nod.
“I’m taking off now. I want to make sure Laia gets home all right.” The god of war turned to Iolaus and grinned. “Of course, you realize that, your get-our-of-Hades-free-pass notwithstanding, all of this changes nothing between us.” But as he disappeared, Ares’ smile was conspicuously absent of malice.
The hunter stood alone in the dark for a long while, trying to comprehend what had just happened. He’d managed to penetrate a fortress of the gods. He had, quite effortlessly, done away with a slimy monster. He’d rescued a fair damsel in distress. And he had Ares, of all the gods, THANKING him and owing him one. It had certainly been quite a day. And one, Iolaus realized unfortunately as he began heading down the road to Argos, that Hercules would probably never believe.
Disclaimer: As predicted, Ares made sure that Discord saw the error of her ways.
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