Here is my collection of jokes that I have gotten off the internet for several years. I don't claim to have made up any of these, nor do I want to. If someone would like to claim credit for any of these jokes, tough. I could care less and besides, I'm not the one you should be telling. One more thing- a word of caution. I didn't censor these jokes or anything so some of the language is pretty harsh and may not be suitable for some readers. Enjoy! (Also it's taking me forever to format the jokes with html so after a certain point all the jokes are smashed together. Fear not, I'm working on it.)
FUNNY STUFF
Pet Peeves
1. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
5. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theater and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
7. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
Labeling Laws Maybe "truth in labeling" laws should apply to the warnings the government puts on alcoholic beverages.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that exlovers are really dying for you to telephone at four o'clock in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK of him while you are photocopying your rear end at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
Blonde Jokes
THE ELEVATOR JOKE
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "TGIF". He smiled at her and replied, "SHIT" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "TGIF" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "SHIT." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "TGIF" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "SHIT." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "TGIF, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
51 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FISHING JOKE
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steel head in this river?!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HARESPRAY
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair Spray; Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool. (Or put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.)
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex? She opens the car door.
ABSOLUTELY ABSURD DILEMMAS TO PONDER
WOULD YOU RATHER...
have living eyebrows that crawl about your face
OR
leave a trail of paprika wherever you go?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
have a sinus infection where anytime you sneeze while in the presence of others, they change sex
OR
have the inability to distinguish between babies and English muffins?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
briefly turn into Dom DeLuise every 45 minutes
OR
have skin 15 times bigger than it has to be?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
be unaffected by the Higgs field; a theoretical superforce that permeates the universe, endowing matter with mass
OR
fart confetti?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
have sexual organs that glow red like E.T.'s heart when you're attracted to someone
OR
have the faint sound of playground chatter perpetually emanating from your crotch?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
be able to avoid doing chores and facing minor relationship problems by hiding under some coats for a little while
OR
be able to bake chicken pot pie in your pants?
WOULD YOU RATHER...
have the head of Herve Villechaize (Fantasy Island's Tattoo) in place of your left hand, and the head of Ricardo Montablan (Fantasy Island's Mr. Roarke) in place of your right hand
OR
be unable to go anywhere without an entourage of bickering Vietnamese politicians?
Bill Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine!
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad women playing in the water?!???" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
~~~The Amish~~~
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a Trooper. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine..... Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the Trooper. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. OK, I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the day: Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Where's God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
Quote of the Day: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum.
Translation: I think I
think, therefore, I think I am.
How Are You??
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to Court. In Court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite bull Boris into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine?". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Boris into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, as the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he was to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Boris into the trailer and was driving him down the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch and Boris was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear 'ol Boris moaning and groaning. I knew he was in terrible shape just by his groans. Shortly after the accident, a Policeman came on the scene. He could hear Boris moaning and groaning so he went over to him. After he looked at him, he took out his gun and shot him between the eyes. Then the Policeman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your bull was in such bad shape I had to shoot him." "How are you feeling?"
Ad Boo Boos
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once you'll never go anywhere else
again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be
dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
Quote of the day: Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.
A DoG cALLeD *SeX*
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*..I called mine *sex*..now sex has been very embarrassing to me..when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex..I told the clerk I’d like a license for sex..he said.. "I would like to have one too!"..then I said.. "she is a dog!!"..he said he didn’t care what she looked like..I said.. "you don't understand..I had sex since I was 9 years old."..he replied.. "you must have been quite a strong boy." when I decided to get married..I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding..he told me to wait until after the wedding was over..I said.. "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex."..he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church..I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding..the next day..we were married at the justice of peace..my family is barred from the church then on.. when my wife and I went on our honeymoon..I took the dog with me..when we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex..he said every room in the motel is a place for sex..I said.. "you don't understand..sex keeps me awake at night.."..the clerk said.. "me too!" one day I entered sex in a contest..but before the competition began..sex ran away..another contestant asked me why I was just looking around..I told him that I was going to have sex in the contest..he said that I should have sold my own tickets.. "you don't understand!!"..I said.."I hoped to have sex on TV!!".. he called me a show off.. when my wife and I separated..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog..I said.. "your honor..I had sex before I was married..but sex left me after I was married..".. the judge said.. "me too!!" last night..sex ran off again..I spent hours looking all over for her..a cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning..I said.. "I’m looking for sex..".. my case comes up next Thursday.. well..now I have been thrown in jail..been divorced..and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw..why..just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist..she asked me.. "what seems to be the trouble?"..I replied.. "sex has been my best friend all of my life..but now it has left me forever..I couldn't live any longer..so lonely.."..and the doctor said.. "look mister..you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend..so get yourself a dog.." ^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
Stories
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band aids stuck to the mirror."
The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've prepared a $50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one y'all vote for."
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. To keep the nervous father to be busy, the doctor handed him a
lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.
"Do ye think it's the light that's attracting' them?"
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural sized painting of Custer's Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mind set during the debacle at the Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating. The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "It's simple; Custer's last thought had to have been: "Holy mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our three past and our current presidents found themselves following the famous Yellow Brick Road, on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just a little something and figured The Wizard could help them. They meet The Wizard and he asks each in turn what they need. "Well", Jimmy Carter says, "I could use some courage." "No problem," says The Wizard, and Carter gets his courage, no questions asked. "What about you, Mr. Reagan?", The Wizard asks. "If I only had a brain," Mr. Reagan replies, and voila, Mr. Reagan has his brain. George Bush is next. "People tell me I could use a heart," he pleads, and The Wizard grants Mr. Bush his wish. "Tell me, Mr. Clinton, what do you most want?", asks The Wizard. Mr. Clinton doesn't hesitate. "Is Dorothy around?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's something you haven't thought about lately,
~~~~Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
~~~~Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
~~~~The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
~~~~There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
~~~~The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
~~~~A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
~~~~There are more chickens than people in the world.
~~~~Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
~~~~The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
~~~~On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
Building is an American flag.
~~~~All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
~~~~No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.
~~~~"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
~~~~All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.(yes, they are on one side of the monument)
~~~~Almonds are members of the peach family.
~~~~Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
~~~~Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
~~~~There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
~~~~Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
~~~~A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
~~~~An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
~~~~Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
~~~~In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
~~~~Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
~~~~The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
~~~~When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the
stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
~~~~The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It’s a Wonderful Life"
~~~~A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
~~~~A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
~~~~A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
~~~~On an American one dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front
upper right hand corner.
~~~~It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
~~~~The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
~~~~Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
~~~~In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
~~~~The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,
Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
~~~~The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
~~~~Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
~~~~John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
~~~~The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
~~~~There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
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There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. "Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk," said the hospitable old man. "But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes." "Oh!" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was in a grocery store check out when the cashier said to her,
"oh I see you are purchasing damn ham."
The woman said, "don’t swear, my husband is a minister!"
The cashier responded by saying, "Oh I'm not swearing, that is the name of it!" That night the woman was preparing dinner when her husband came in. He
said, "Smells delicious! What are you cooking?"
His wife replied sweetly, "damn ham." Well you could imagine the husband was aghast, "Don’t swear I am a
respected minister!!" "Oh dear", replied the woman, "I am not cursing, it is the name of it!"
At the dinner table the minister said to his son, "Darling, could you pass me the damn ham?"
His son looked at him with wide eyes and said, "Alright dad!!! Pass the fucking potatoes!!"
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It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" but, before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this, and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good Lord almighty." The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." Then the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ!" The Minister said "that's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 12 THINGS TO DO AT MC DONALDS
12. Shoot the manager.
11. At MacDonalds. Put a "Mac" in front of everything you say.
Example: Excuse me, Macsir but could I get some Macsalt with my Macfries.(MacCOUGH MacCOUGH) And could you give me Macdirections to
the Macgrocery Macstore? MacThanks.
10. When going thru the drive thru, change your order every time they repeat it.
9. Order a burger with no bun but extra ketchup.
8. Bring in a dead mouse, put in your drink and sue.
7. Ask your server to stop intentionally insulting your race.
6. Order a Whopper.
5. Park just the right amount of space away from the drive thru window so that they can't reach you.
4. When ordering at the drive thru, turn up the radio and open the door so that it goes..DING..DING..DING.
3. Speak in an exaggerated staticy voice like the one your hearing thru the drive thru speaker and then when you pull up speak like that again.
2. Step in dog crud before you come in.
1. Tell them that you are the state inspector and try to get into the kitchen.
42 questions that make a person think........
1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive through teller machines?
6. How did a fool and his money get together?
7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
10. What's another word for thesaurus?
11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
21. Do they have reserved parking for nonhandicapped people at the special Olympics?
22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?
24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Can fat people go skinny dipping?
28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
29. Is it possible to be totally partial?
30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"
42. Why do they call things that are shipped in trains cargo and things that are shipped in cars shipment?
20 fun things to do in a Wendys...............
1. Ask for a Big Mac and a Supersized fry.
2. Ask how much a 99 cent Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is.
3. When ordering at the drive through, honk the horn until you leave the parking lot.
4. Ride through the drive through on a bicycle.
5. Play your car stereo loudly when ordering.
6. Ask to speak to Dave Thomas.
7. Order 1 thing at a time at the drive through, keep driving around until you have a complete meal.
8. When eating in, sit alone and start laughing loudly for no reason, then start talking like someones eating across the table.
9. Pull up to take your food, don't take it, and drive away.
10. Go through the drive through and say nothing.
11. When they ask, "Can I take your order?" repeat that and everything else they say. (The shadow game.)
12. When in the drive through, slam into the car ahead of you and yell
"Would you like fries with that?"
13. When they ask "Can I take your order?" say "No thank you." and drive away.
14. When eating in, pick up and throw your chair and yell, "They forgot the $#@%&*% mustard! and resume eating.
15. Go from table to table and steal food.
16. When eating in, sit next to people and say "That looks good, can I have a bite?"
17. Order 20 hamburgers, pull up to get them and say "I've changed my mind, I just want a large Coke."
18. Walk in and sit next to somebody and say "It's a shame about your car."
19. Ask if the 99 cent Value Menu prices will lower.
20. Do the same thing as in number 17 but say "I hope you just put ketchup on all those."
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The Drunk Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
REAL STORIES OF
THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open
it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. . . it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper, " she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386. " He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark. " I replied, "You mean the letter "I"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister. " I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen. " Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
Consider this...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker :
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Clinton: This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
Translation: Today at my crib these suckers and playa-haters started grillin' a brotha.
Clinton: I answered their questions truthfully, including question about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.
Translation: Dey started frontin' about my game and asking all kinds of fowl shit.
Clinton: Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
Translation: I'm tired of these haters throwing salt in my game. I'm gonna let y’all know my Mackin style tonight.
Clinton: As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
Translation: A while back, you nosey motherfuckers wanted to know if I was hittin' hoe-ass Monica's skins. You ain't got no video, so if you want to believe a $10 hoe then oh well.
Clinton: Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and
completely responsible.
Translation: Yeah, I was hittin' that dime dropping Bitch! She was only sucking my jammie though. I was stupid for messing with a young big mouthed skank. My bag, but don't hate me because I'm a playa.
Clinton: But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence.
Translation: Outside of that hit I told punkass AG (Al Gore) to put on gayass Star, Monica and her snitching friend, I was chill the whole time.
Clinton: I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
Translation: Check dis, I heard she was down with what ever, you know a freak ass beatch. She wasn't all that but I planned to pimp her around to my boyz in the Senate.
Clinton: The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.
Translation: Those haters started sweatin' my homeys and my peeps. Dey pissed a nigga off when they tried to make me look like I'm not real or somefin. Matter of fact, dey shady asses be on the take anyway.
Clinton: This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.
Translation: Tryin' to hit me they wasted a lot of Cheddar and pissed off my Crew.
Clinton: Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
Translation: I'm a pimp and playa and I'm going to be one, dey cant change a nigga! Get some busness. Hillary is chill because I got more than enough White Water dirt on her ass, that will get her sent up before I'm outtie.
Clinton: It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private life and get on with our national life.
Translation: Get off my jock because I'm going to Flex regardless. Just in case y’all forgot until you chumps axe me I'm still the shit!
Clinton: Now it is time in fact, it is past time to move on.
Translation: Fuck all y’all, I don't give a fuck! Peace out!!!
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle Me Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and
me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted
with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Ferrari 355) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading****
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case coincidence?? I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmm...
19. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
22. Roseanne looks good.
23. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
24. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
25. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
26. I'm as jober as a sudge.
27. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
28. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
University of Illinois
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions or give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army
d. write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. westerners
b. southerners
c. easterners
d. northerners
9. Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium or spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. FLORIDA
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math, If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?
20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. STILL WAITING
* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY
The Best Wise Ass Chain Letter
This is for all of you who send me those annoying chain
e-mails promising trips to Disney, money, etc. Needless to say, I'm still in New York and poor as dirt. In other words, THEY DON'T WORK!! Sooooo.....here you go!
If your email is anything like mine, you get these absolute stuuuuupid messages at least once a week. By the way, forward this to at least 10 of your friends and Walt Disney and Adolf Hitler will give all of us
$10,000 and a free trip to Disneyland. If you don't....be prepared to endure daily suffering similar to that of my pathetic life. Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams,lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnaped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnaped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1,000? How fucking stupid are you? "Ooooh, looky
here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!" What a bunch of bull shit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I
don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr.Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,"hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?"Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave
her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho ho and I’ll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped......Baby Ruth!
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word...!!! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word...!!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!! By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes."
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... But it's startin' to twitch."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah,blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I"m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they are crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie's reply: "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary, details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down.(Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
One day these two girls got on an elevator and were talking. All of a sudden, a guy came onto the elevator and the two girls noticed that he had a lot of dandruff. It was practically snowing dandruff. So one of the girls said,"Maybe we should give him Head and Shoulders." And the other girl said,"Well how do you give shoulders?"
There was this horse and chick walking around on the farm. One day the horse fell into a puddle of mud. So the chick ran to get the farmer but couldn't find him. So the chick got the farmer's truck and drove it over to the puddle. The horse held onto the bumper and the chick picked him up out of the mud. A few day later, the horse and chick were walking along and the chick falls into the mud. The horse couldn't find the farmer or the truck. He saw the farmer's BMW,
but knew the farmer would be mad if he used it. So the
horse told the chick that he was going to straddle the
puddle and the chick could hold on to his little buddy and he would pull the chick out. So, the horse straddles the puddle and the chick held onto his beep and the horse picks up the chick.
The moral of the story is:
If you're hung like a horse you don't need a cool car to pick up chicks.
Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
>Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.>
>You know stuff about tanks.>
>A 5 day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.>
>You can open all your own jars.>
>Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.>
>You can go to the bathroom without a support group.>
>You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.>
>You can leave the motel bed unmade.
>You can kill your own food.>
>You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.>
>Wedding plans take care of themselves.>
>If someone forgets to invite you to something, he/she can still be your
friend.
>Your underwear is $10 for a 3 pack.>
>If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
>Everything on your face stays its original color.>
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.>
>3 pair of shoes are more than enough.>
>You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.>
>Car mechanics tell you the truth.>
>You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me".>
>Same work . . . more pay.>
>Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.>
>Wedding dress $2000, Tuxedo rental $75 bucks.>
>You don't smooch off others desserts.>
>You can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a gift.>
>If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become life long friends.>
>Yours pals can be trusted to never trap you with "So, notice anything
>different?".>
>You are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.>
>You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.>
>You almost never have strap problems in public.>
>You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.>
>The same hair style last for years, maybe decades.>
>You don't have to shave below the neck.>
>At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.>
>Your belly usually hides your big hips.>
>One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.>
>You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.>
>You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.>
>Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th
in 45 minutes.>
Another Little Johnnie Joke
> >The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
> >something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
> >time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was
> >calling on them one at a time.
> >She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...
> >Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
> >Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for
his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
> >"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
> >"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a
> >period?"
> >"Damned if I know", said Johnnie, "but, this morning, my sister said
she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man
next door shot himself."
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be
home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella
agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and
Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking lovestruck
and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." " I
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't
remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie tome! Lie to me!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little
Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and Pulled out a .44
magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat
me, just like it says in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy,"
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell
out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a
rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about
retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg
off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the
post office?
They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
~* tHiNgZ tO dO aT a BoRiNg MoViE*~
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juijy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fastforward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, " Watch
out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is
flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while
smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm
Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible
friend already is.
16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them
into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their surroundings. They
would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds, and slam
into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost it's
novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Cheap
monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in the toilet, and I didn't
want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time, so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't go all bad.
I tried burning the monkeys. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The
odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
the bathroom. I severely beat one of the dead monkeys. Then I felt
better.
I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said that the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. he wouldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about
the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked
them but I could tell that they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched
them all in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Some The Girls Might Say:
God created men before women because you always make a rough draft before
a masterpiece.
Do you believe in love at first sight do you need me to walk by you
again?
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend
thinks so.
Sex is not like pringles, once you pop you can't stop!
God loves stupid people, That's why he made so many.
Only good girls go to heaven & I wasn't invited.
Children in the dark caused accidents, Accidents in the dark cause
children!
It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean.
I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your bedrock.
I have PMS & a gun, now what were you saying?
Some The Guys Might Say:
Luvs a sensation caused by temptation. A guy sticks his location in
a girls destination 2 increase the population 4 the next generationdo you understand my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
I wish I could live like Donald Duck, pants suck.
A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue, so open your mouth & close your eyes & give your mouth some exercise!
Don't drink & drive. You might hit a bump & spill your beer.
God gave me a brain & penis only enough blood to run one at a time.
If guys had their period, we'd probably brag about the size of out tampons.
Santa's Really Bitter
T'was the night before Christmas Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like
a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let
Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor
at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know.
What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but
take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it.
If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red
ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor
and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes
another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the
same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back
if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and d@mn, the red
ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and
asks, "What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.
Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news,
doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was
wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".
"Man who run in front of car, get tired"
"Man who run behind car, get exhausted"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
And my favorite "Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot
walk"
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided
not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold he changed his mind, and reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to
the earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. Ol' Tom cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
THERE ARE 3 MORALS TO THIS STORY
1. Everyone who shits on you isn't necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all his cash, so he asked her,"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square,"
"Ha," laughed the president, "that's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,
so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00
am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
Tha doors they’re all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Fuckin' slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some cathouse," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for awhile."
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
Next were some Xrated video clips.
A box full of condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I won't even mention.
A cock ring, a Gstring, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
"Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch!"
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
"I'm comin' home, woman!" he sang with a smirk,
"So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!"
Ebonics XMAS
WUZ DE NITE BEFO CRIMMUS
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
An' all ower de hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That ol Sanna Clause;
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Dance tru' dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"
I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!
Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!
As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"
He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!
Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!
Useful Hawaiian Phrases
On the Plane
My how your perfume fills the entire cabin!
'A'ala maoli keia wahi o kakou I kau wai 'ala kuikawa!
If I snore, I would like to apologize in advance
Ke nono au, e kala mua mai, I keia manawa ho'i.
I am filled with admiration for my inflight meal
Kahaha ko'u na'au I ke 'ano o ka mea 'ai ma keia mokulele.
Only six dollars for a headset? Why thats only three dollars per ear!
Eono kala no ka ho'olohe lekio? 'O ia ho'i, 'ekolu wale no kala o kahi pepeiao!
Baby, Severe Turbulance is my middle name
E ku'u kumu e, mai hopohopo, ua kapa 'ia ko'u inoa waena, 'o ia 'o
Checking in to the Hotel
This is a wonderful room for a dwarf
He lumi maika'i keia e ku pololei ana I ke kanaka peke.
How nice of you to find a bed that will fit my leg
Mahalo nui loa ia 'oe, ua loa'a mai kahi moe kupono o ka nui no ko'u wawae 'akau wale no!
This view of your parking lot is incredible!
He kuikawa ka 'ikena o kela wahi ho'oku ka'a e waiho kala'e ihola ma 'o!
It's a lovely gift, now please unwrap the toilet seat
A 'o ia, he makana maika'i loa keia; aka, nau no e ho'ohemo I ka wahi pepa ma luna o ka
noho lua la, ke 'olu'olu.
Eating Dinner
My wife will pay the bill when she returns
Aia no a ho'i mai ka'u wahine, nana ka pila e uku aku.
These really nice napkins seem to match my underclothing
Ku maika'i keia mau kawele pepa I ke 'ano o ko'u 'a'ahu palema'i.
This Merlot is an ungrateful bitch
He kanapapiki mahalo 'ole keia mea inu Merlot ia'u.
Waiter, my papaya has been previously fondled
E ke kuene, ua milimili 'e 'ia neia mikana!
The busboy has cursed me and I am ashamed.
Ua ho'ohalahala 'ia mai nei au na ke kuene, a hilahila ihola au.
Pardon my flatulence, but I had refried beans and poi for breakfast
E kala mai I ka palale, I ka palali; aka ua 'ai aku nei I papapa mo'alua a me ka poi I ke kakahiaka nei.
Speaking to the Customs Agent
I greatly admire your machine pistol
Ke mahalo nui aku nei au I ko pu.
Yes I have something to declare, "I need a shower!"
Ae, he mea ko'u e ho'ike aku ai, "He pono no ka ho'i ke 'au'au kililau!"
Nice doggie! (Now be on your way, please)
He u'i maika'i 'oe, e na 'ilio kipa wale mai, o 'auana hele aku 'oe 'ano.
How completely you have ripped my bags apart!
Pau weluwelu ka'u mau ukana I kou 'ano he makaukau, tsa!
Hold me, I am feeling faint
E pa'a puliki mai, 'ane'ane ko'u maka I ka poniuniu.
Mommie, make the bad man go away
E Mama, e kipaku ho'olele aku 'oe I ke kanaka 'ino.
Getting on the Bus
That was a most unusual sound. Did you eat a big breakfast?
He kani 'ano 'e loa kela. Ua 'ai nui anei 'oe ma ke kakahiaka?
You must be very proud of your large hat
Ha'aheo no paha 'oe I kena papale kupalaka, pehea la.
May I sleep on your lap?
I hiamoe au ma luna o kou 'uha?
How tenderly you have nudged my buttocks with your beach bag
Nani ka pa lihi o kena 'eke holoholo I hope o'u nei.
Doctors on Call
Can wearing a thong and running on the beach cause a rash like this?
Ua pili anei keia 'ohune I ke komo hawele li a me ka holo wawae ma kahakai?
Damn it, man, what the hell kind of a doctor are you anyway?
E ke kamipulu, pehea la kou 'ano kauka 'ana mai?
I'm Glad I'm A Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular
basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
"Computer Viruses"
WARNING!
Beware of these computer viruses!
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte.
TIM ALLEN (Tool Man) VIRUS: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
SPICE GIRL VIRUS: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS: Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
AT&T VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
TITANIC VIRUS: Makes your whole computer go down.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
EASTER
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
MenPlease Read Rules Before Proceeding
1. Please Don't Talk To My Breasts. You Won't Be Meeting Them.
2. If You Want To Control Someone Sleep With Your Remote.
3. I Always Choose Chocolate Over MenAlways.
4. 51% Love Goddess 49% Bitch.
5. My Sexual Preference Is No.
6. My Body Is A Temple, Now Get On Your Knees And Pray.
7. It's Not The Size That Counts, It's... No, Wait, Size Does Count.
8. Remember You Horny Piece Of Dirt, Girls Are Made Of Sugar, Spice And Everything Nice.
9. Men Are Like Hardwood Floors, Lay Them Right The First Time And You Can Walk All Over Them Forever.
10. Save Your Breath For Your Inflatable Date.
The Real Man Quiz...
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding us and enriching your own life.
1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2). As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrowminded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4) What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the base path.
(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection.
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easyyou're watching a football game; she's reading the paper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Cowboys called a draw play on third and seventeen.
7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
9. When is it okay to throw away a pair of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebodyand we are not naming names, but this would be his wifeis quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy
B. Religion
C. Remote control
POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK:
I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and
are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and
I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Chores Before Breakfast
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it....with a thought!
How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde....the smart blondes have dark roots.
Why don't blondes eat pickles...because they get their heads stuck in the jar.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory...she threw out all of the W's.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday...tell her a joke on Friday.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt...brain tumor.
Why don't blondes make koolaid...can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain...gifted.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes...stands for Toes G o In First.
How many blondes does it take to change a tire .... 52 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant .... blow in her ear.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common .... they're both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear .... thanks for the refill.
What's the mating call of a brunette .... Is that darn blonde gone yet?
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink .... that's where you wash vegetables.
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle .... shine a light in her ear.
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde .... you can park in handicapped zones.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you .... pull the pin and throw it back.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall .... to see what was on the other side.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb .... 6 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb .... two .... one to hold the diet Pepsi and one to call daaaady.
The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went .... it finally dawned on her.
Brunette to the blonde .... Awww, look at the dead birdie .... the blonde stopped, looks up and says, "where"?
How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer .... there is "whiteout" all over the screen.
How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer .... there's writing on the "whiteout".
Why do blondes wear ear muffs? .... to avoid the draft.
What did the blonde visiting O.J. think this
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head;
only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They
all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"