As summer has wound down, I’ve spent more time on the road than I had in the previous few months. While driving hundreds of miles on some of American’s finest blacktop, I found myself repeatedly asking the same question of myself, that being, “Am I the only f’n person on the road who knows how to drive?!?!?!” Now I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but I seriously think that the 99 percent of the people on the road today either have no clue what they’re doing or they just don’t care!

First off, I’ve come to the conclusion that the absolute worst drivers on the road are those bearing New Jersey license plates. Oh, it’s true. It’s true. Do you know why they have to have plates on the front AND back of their car? It’s so that everyone on the road can seem them coming and prepare for what moves to make. Whether they are in their home “state” or visiting in another, these drivers are public enemy number one on the “AVOID” list. They not only think they own the road, but they can’t seem to see that there are other cars on the road while the constantly switch from lane to lane or just drive down the center of dotted lines. I won’t even touch on the fact that it’s remarkable that half the cars with Jersey plates on them are even able to pass inspection. It’s no wonder why they don’t do emissions testing; most cars won’t pass, therefore drivers will turn into passengers on their buses and trains, and then those modes of transportation will self-destruct into the world of trash-portation.

Do you wanna know another thing that bugs me on the road? Female drivers. “Oh no, don’t go there Frank!” I’m going there. Women drivers are a nightmare on the road! Guys, how often are you going at a nice pace and a car just cuts you off, whether it be pulling out of a parking lot or just merging into your lane? And how many times do you pass that vehicle only to notice what you knew would be the case: a female driver. Should I mention that the majority of the women driving today have trouble keeping up with the speed limit? Ladies, why do you feel it necessary to go 45-50 in a 55 zone…and in the left lane at that! When Sammy Hagar sang “I can’t drive 55,” he was saying he couldn’t drive that SLOW and that he had to go FAST, not that he couldn’t get his Lamborghini to break 55 mph. Next time you threaten to put your foot down and be in charge, why don’t you make that footstep come on the gas pedal?

Another thing to avoid on the road is a car with stuffed animals on the rear window ledge. People, why the hell do you need to carry your dust collectors around with you, nevertheless store them where they are going to distract you from the already bad driving that you do? Know who keeps a lot of stuffed animals in the window? Women. Know where they’re from a lot of the time? You guessed it. New Jersey. Can the world be in any more trouble than having Jersey women driving with stuffed animals in their windows?

Another thing that pisses me off on the road are people who don’t know how to use their turn signals. I’m not talking solely about those people who don’t use them, oh no, I’m an equal opportunity hater. I’m also talking about those people who not only use them to tell you which lane they just came from AFTER they cut you off, but those who use them to tell you which lane they turned from three miles ago! Hey idiot! Don’t you hear that little clicking sound in the background? No, “it’s not the gnashing of vertebra in the tattered pipe cleaner that you call a brainstem,” as Dennis Miller once said, it’s your turn signal so shut it the hell off! Was it that remarkable a feat that you successfully made a lane change that you leave your signal blinking for five minutes in a victory celebration? The other night I was in a car with a couple friends that was driven by my buddy Andy. After a couple near death situations, what did Andy do, almost like he knew I was writing this rant? He gave me a new gripe. While in the right lane of a two-lane one way rod, with traffic behind him and to his left, Andy decided to kick on his blinker and suddenly make a left turn, cutting off everyone in the left lane, inducing a horn honking, adrenaline rushing, backseat scream inducing moment that ended up getting his name plastered someplace nobody should want theirs to be placed…this rant!

Doing a lot of Turnpike driving, one thing I run into is that middle lane driver who wants to be risky and live life on the edge. Yes, I’m talking about that person who sees you flowing at a nice, steady 70mph, and decides to cut in front of you about 20 feet shy of your bumper at a stagnant 55 mph as you slam your breaks, along with the string of sheep who have jumped on your tail over the last few miles, hoping to get the extra speed in while you’d take the shot from the hidden cop’s radar gun. Normally this person who switched lanes will hit the panic button and switch back to the middle lane as soon as possible, but you will get the occasional person who shows “no fear” and will ride that lane for a while before finally having to be passed by a small gap in the right lane.

For those people who insist of running red lights, or gunning it when 20 yards away and the light changes yellow, have a little respect for those around you, ass! Is it that important that you get home to catch the first few minutes of “Little House” or “Survivor” that you have risk taking the life of some unfortunate person who happens to going through the green light like they should? If you are approaching a stale green light, start considering what you’re gonna do if it changes yellow. If there’s a shot at you not clearing the intersection before the light turns red, starts slowing down. If you can’t respect your own life, then try respecting the life and family of the person you’re about to hit.

So in my little tirade here, I hope I didn’t offend anyone. If I did, well then, get your ass a book on “How to Drive” and the world will be a happier place. Between those listed in the aforementioned categories and the punk ass teenagers getting their licenses these days, the roads would be a lot safer if only everyone knew how to drive the right way: The “Franchise” way. Then again, that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.