"Psycho-Analysis: Mike Patton"
Raw Magazine, June 27, 1990
Thanks to Alex Godfrey


IF YOU AND YOUR BAND CRASHED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITHOUT FOOD BUT WITH PLENTY OF WATER, WHO WOULD YOU EAT FIRST?

I would eat Jim Martin because he'd be more aged than the rest of the guys. Meat gets better as it gets older right?


IF YOU WERE IN A BALLOON WITH FIVE OTHER PEOPLE AND ONE HAD TO BE THROWN OUT IN CASE IT CRASHED, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING THROWN OUT?

Oh, I'd volunteer! We did a bungie jump recently and it was really good fun. We're going to put the pictures they took of Mike Bordin on a T-shirt. Yeah. I'd like to jump out I think it'd be fun. But my excuse for staying in would be that I suck real good cock!


IF BY CUTTING OFF YOUR FINGER YOU COULD GUARANTEE PERSONAL WEALTH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WOULD YOU?

I don't think I could maim myself. I've come close to it accidentally and it scared the fuck out of me. I'd cut someone else's finger off for personal wealth.


IF YOU WERE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE AND CAME ACROSS A VERY LARGE WALL BLOCKING YOUR PATH, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Turn around and walk away. I'm a wimp!


WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ANIMAL?

Platypus. I have a puppet. I'm in love with them, they're the best. Mr Bungle has some songs all about the platypus, you'll hear them some day.


YOU'RE OFFERED EVERLASTING FAME AT THE EXPENSE OF ANOTHER GROUP WHOM YOU REALLY ADMIRE. DO YOU SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY?

Well that's what happens every day. That's what music's all about, climbing your way to wherever you want to go and you have to knock people out of the way and if it happens to be someone you like, so what? I'd do it, it'd be fun!


IF YOU COULD WIPE ONE MEMORY FROM YOUR MIND, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I have a really bad memory, goddamn. I could tell you a nice juicy one from my childhood. I remember my mum was a daycare helper, she babysat kids. We could always go play in the front yard, me and all the kids she looked after, and I distinctly remember I used to hump things all the time, in front of everyone, I didn't care. And I remember on the front lawn I was laying on the ground and just humping the earth, in front of everyone. And of course I didn't know it was something you were supposed to do in private. My mum was panicking, I used to call it my tricks and I'd announce it when I got home from school. I'd say OK mum I'm going to do my tricks and I'd turn on the TV and find some programme with girls in it and I'd just lay on the couch...It was like a normal thing like having a snack or something. I may have a lot of sexual hang ups but masturbation's not one of them!


IF YOU COULD ZAP ONE PERSON OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, WHO WOULD IT BE?

Could I combine a few thousand people for this one? Let's see Sylvestor Stallone, Sinead O'Connor, Walt Disney...


WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVOURITE ANIMAL?

Gerbils, that'll get people wondering!


HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED A DIRTY TRICK ON SOMEONE AND IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED IT?

Yeah yeah, you always end up regretting them at some point if it's a *really* dirty trick. But immediately afterwards? Really what you're asking is tell me about the dirty trick you once played on someone! Well, when I was a little kid I had this little nail that you could attach to your finger and it looked like a nail had gone through. It looked so fucking real! My mum helped me out with this and it was such a cruel thing to do! I came home from school and I said 'Mum, let's play a dirty trick on dad', so she put a load of ketchup on my hand and I went out to the garage and I put this thing on. So I got the hammer out and when I heard my dad walking past I started hammering and then I screamed. My dad comes running out and starts panicking and yelling at my mother and going crazy until I looked at him straight in the eye and started to laugh.


YOU'VE JUST ARRIVED AT THE PEARLY GATES. SAINT PETER OFFERS YOU THE CHOICE OF A SECOND INNINGS AS EITHER A TORTURED ARTIST OR A HAPPY GO LUCKY PRODUCTION WORKER WITH A WIFE AND KIDS. WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

Oh happy-go-lucky. I think I've already come close to being a tortured artist and it's boring.


WHAT DO YOU TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU WANT TO IMPRESS THEM?

Hey I suck really good cock! No, uhh, do you want to take a ride in my private jet? No...I don't drink. That's the one, it actually sounds like an innocent fact but sometimes I say it to impress people. Well, it seems to impress some people, others think you're a health nut.

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