I have shifted memories of my childhood all of them are vivid with a combination of bad and good. I was a lively girl, wth chubby cheeks, and wide blue eyes. I remember holidays of sweets, special elaborate meals, the normal card games yet most of the time was spent rebeling by running through the woods. The world was large to me then. I was a good kid with an emotional strong heart.
Right now I am staring into a large styrofoam egg that is laying among other easter decorations on my grandparents coffee table. That one egg is what gave me the ambition to write this bit about myself. I think about this girl I use to know. The one who wanted to run outside, to see this large world and simply smile. Someime between the age of 7 and 14 I lost her. I am only sixteen now realizing that I am no longer the fun loving spirit I once was. I try not to force blame on anyone or anything but recently I've wanted to know why? Why do people give up on their creative nature? The answer I've been finding hides in society and media. I was hypnotized into thinking that thin, feminine girls had everything in life. I never conciously believed any of this. Yet unconciously I am set on this figure and image of myself that is not possiable.
At the start of adolescnce I began to fill out through my body yet when I hit 140 I began to diet. It took me a year (all through freshman year) to reach 130. I still wasn't satisfied although I had grown almost 2 inches. My sophmore year ended at 120. The summer I had volunteered at a beautiful christain camp for the second time. I dropped to 110. At the begining of my junior year I started regretting myself as a person. My body was dead, skin brittle, and my hair would come out in handfulls. I had lost my period at this time for 4 months. I weighed in at the doctors at 105. No one could tell me how to feel or make me see how my body was slowly completely dissapearing.
This is one of my downfalls. Like many people I have more then just one. Some people cling to drugs, alchol, self-mutalation and all of us get lost in ourselves. I could never find the underlying problem that created my distorted image. Lately I've felt empowered by my old spirit. The one God handed me before society told me it wasn't beautiful enough to be loved. This spirit is fighting though everyday. I have gained not only some of my weight back but my heart and soul. I know now that food is not to blame and having shape is not ugly by any sense. Yet everyday I look in the mirror and see inside myself this small disfigured girl. She is still part of me waiting eagerly to be loved.
April-12-2001 revised August-8-2001