Monday, December 4th 2000
A tank of gas is a treasure to me
It's Monday, and what a Monday it is. I've been in this cocky
tell whatever's on your mind mood all day. Whatever do I mean? Well, in
Data Collection today I was trying to study for a test in my next class,
Community Policing. That's the way it always is when you procrastinate
like me. Anyway, this girl who sat in the row in front of me was turned
around and talking to one of her friends. That's all fine and dandy,
except she keept looking at me(I could see out of the corner of my eye).
Normally, I'd just ignore it. Not today, ohhhhh no. I put my notebook
down, looked at her and said "Can I help you with something?" She gave
me one of those bitchy "fuck you" looks, so I quickly said "Good, then
turn your little bitchy ass around." She looked like I had stomped on her
foot. I smiled to myself.
Fast forward to just a little while ago, I pulled into the parking lot
of my apartments when I noticed a woman driving the wrong way down one of
the aisles. Now, the aisles are wide enough for more then one car, but
I pulled my car across the whole aisle. Then I got out of my vehicle,
walked over to her window and she rolled it down. "Did you just get
your license?" I asked. "No" she replied. "Well then, may I ask where
you learned how to fucking drive?" "What!?" she said. "Well it's obvious
you were never taught the meaning of a one way sign. You're lucky I'm not
a cop yet, because I'd ticket your fat ass faster then you could say 'hostess
cupcake'." Then I turned around, got back in my car and drove past. I think
that I saw her crying as I passed. Life is good.
The new server is still down. Heads will roll my friends.
Sunday, December 3rd 2000
Web page neglect
Guilty? Nope. Not I. I wrote quite the excellent post for Friday.
It was supposed to be the first new post on the new server. Much to
my dismay however, that server has been down all weekend. Hopefully, it'll be up
soon and I'll be able to complete the move. Until then, as before, this
is my home and I'll try to make the best of it. And now what you've all
come here for: gratuitous sex.
Thursday, November 30th 2000
New found youth
Sorry, no real update today. I've spent the majority of the day
moving the page to a new server. What's that you say? A new home for the
beermonkey? Yep. Still a free server, but it's an easier address to remember
and much faster then angelfire. So, kiddies, stay tuned and hopefully by
tomorrow you'll see us at our new home.
That picture had nothing to do with anything, but I thought I'd throw
it up anyway.
Wednesday, November 29th 2000
I couldn't wait for something new
"If you're like me then you like to dress up in your mom's
underwear and walk around the house trying to seduce your dad." What
kind of fucked up individual says that? Jesus. It's starting to rain
here but I don't mind so much. My car's still covered in mud both inside
and out so hopefully it'll wash some of it off before I have to take it
to the damn car wash. At least it's not covered in birdshit.
I told Phil today that if he didn't stop pissing me off, I was going to
jam a banana in his ass and set Phonics loose. He just laughed. I smiled
and on my way back from class picked up a bunch of bananas from the store.
We'll see who has the last laugh.
Tuesday, November 28th 2000
Son he said you gonna drive me to drinkin' if you don't driving
that hot rod lincoln
I did absolutely nothing today. Well went food shopping. But
that's it. I'm going to have a new interview up soon, so check back for
that. If you want to be interviewed, send your reasons why to
Adam . You need not be anyone famous or special, but at least give me
a cool reason to interview you.
Oh man I feel bad for that guy. No athletic supporter could prevent that
from hurting. Speaking of getting kicked in the nuts, check out my buddy
Will at Yerr Mom. He posts there on occasion
and always makes me laugh. And now, I leave you with a picture of phonics when
I first got him.
Monday, November 27th 2000
40 car pileup on I-81, only casualty, Adam's car
I got stuck in traffic yesterday behind a 40 car pileup
and my alternator decided that it was time to walk out so my car died.
There I sat, all alone with no cell phone to call for help. Luckily, people
stopped to help and two hours later, my car was being towed. I spent the
night in a hotel and $367 of repairs later, here I am.
I contemplated selling my soul for a working automobile, but decided to
hold off the bartering for a bigger and better deal.
Saturday, November 25th 2000
You seek Yoda
-Adventures Updated-
-Interviews Updated-
Updated some stuff, so check it out. Nay was kind enough to
take the time to do an interview with us, so definitely check that out.
There's a link to her page in there too, so be sure to visit her and tell her Phonics sent ya.
I just saw on the weather channel that the weather is going to be shitty formy trip back to Pennsylvania. Some guys just have all the luck I suppose. Oh,
sweet! Hot Shots is on t.v. Well this is a pleasant surprise. I bummed around all day today. I think that the most productive thing that I did was watch
Terminator 2. So, future me, if you're reading this, send back a killer robot to do my dirty work.
Yesterday I hung out with my friends Chris and Shawn, and Shawn's brother Ben. Ben is the owner of this page and he sends me a few hits here and there, so I'd like to return the favor.
Well that's about it for today. If you're bored, sent me mail.
I don't care what about, just do it. Or if you click Ask Phonics,
that'll send it to me too. C'mon, do it for old Gil.
Friday, November 24th 2000
Can't talk...Dying.
I'm tired. I have some news that I believe the American
public needs to know. It has to do with the whole presidential race.
You are all under the impression that George Bush is a legal candidate.
Well, I'm afraid not. Phonics and myself have been pulling the wool over
the nation's eyes. Here is a picture of Bush as you know him:
Now to unleash our secret. Here is what Bush really is:
We are truly sorry for misleading the nation and hang our heads in shame.
It was all in good fun though, honestly.
Thursday, November 23rd 2000
The kids call me Mr. Glass
It's Thanksgiving and this post will be a short one because
I'm writing this from my Aunt's computer. There is a new Phonics adventure,
but it's on the computer back at my parents house, so it'll have to wait
under later on tonight to get posted.
I went and saw "Unbreakable" last night with Tex. It kicked so much ass.
I'd recommend it to everyone, so if you're reading this, you'd better go and
see it. Total shocker ending.
*Note to Batman... We know where your hideout is*
Wednesday, November 22nd 2000
Still waiting here to catch you if you fall
I recieved some rather disturbing news last night upon
viewing my guestbook. It appears that Bane from
Influx9 has killed and eaten the Beermonkey's number one fan. To
see what I am talking about,
click here. This is outrageous. We don't have that many fans to begin
with and people are killing them off? Jesus. A warning to our #2 fan Will
in New Jersey: Watch out man, they may come for you next.
That's a picture of Phonics at an IGA not too far from here. Yes, the
sign is advertising "Idaho Pot" and yes Phonics is holding a pipe in
his hand. What can I say? Tex thought it'd be funny so he handed it to
him.
In memory of Suzy
R.I.P November 2000
Okay well I didn't have a picture of Suzy, so Balki will have to do.
Tuesday, November 21st 2000
You're only a pawn in the game
I just completed my 320 mile trek back to Connecticut so I
figured that I'd write this now before all my friends get out of work.
The trip went well except that it was snowing in upstate eastern
Pennsylvania so now my clean car is covered in road salt, which is great
because it does wonders for the paintjob. That was sarcasim in case you
didn't recognize it.
I just heard that Buffalo got hit with 25 inches of snow yesterday. New
York declared a state of emergency there. Emergency? That's not an emergency,
that's awesome! I wish that we could get 25 inches of snow in one day.
It's simply unheard of. I hope that this is just an indication of what is
to come this winter.
If you ever get the chance to hear a gospel mass in fast forward, take
the time and watch the whole thing that way. The educational value is
zero, but the entertainment value is 10+. Just hearing the minister talk
almost made me wet myself. Picture the chipmunks shouting "Amen" and "Praise
Jesus". I have a new outlook on religion. Not the save me from the burning
coals of hell outlook, but the invite the gang over, get drunk, and laugh until
the sun comes up outlook. And that my friends, is the best outlook to have.
Monday, November 20th 2000
You could take out a jumbo jet with one of these monkeys
"We're alike you and I. We're on the same team. I'm on your
side." "No, I'm an American and you're a sick asshole."
Betcha thought I was dead huh. Nope. Close, but close only counts in
horseshoes and hand grenades. Allow me to enlighten you. Saturday night,
I stayed out partying until 5:30 in the morning. During the time period
in which I partied, I consumed large amounts of beer, and about a quarter
bottle of Puerto Rican(Sorta Rican?) Rum. I lay in bed all day yesterday trying
to recover and not vomit on the floor. Mission accomplished. Well, I was
kinda pissed that I didn't update at all this weekend, and felt bad that
I may have disappointed any of you. Thanksigiving break starts tomorrow
however, and I promise that there will be updates galore. I'm going to
try to update all the sections at least once.
So how do ya like them apples? I just found out that I was mentioned by Mondain at
Gregoire.org. You should go and
pay him a visit. He's got a lot of cool shit,
including galleries of some pretty hot chicks. Hummina Hummina Hummmina. As long
as I'm plugging sites, I might as well throw this
one out there. I'm a big fan of Star Wars so I thought it was neat.
Friday, November 17th 2000
I wish you could see this cause there's nothing to see
Friday. Praise Jebus. I'm gearing up for a nice weekend of
getting smashed and maybe getting in some fights. I guess that we'll see
though.
Here at the beermonkey, we're all about safety. We want you to be safe
at any given point during the day. Since it's now officially the weekend,
many of you will be working around the house on various little projects.
I hope you all realize the seriousness of home-repair accidents. Such
horrible things.
Well he did it because he was all hopped up on paint fumes you know. Why
else would he kill seven people? If you don't want to end up like our
friend the Zodiac Killer, then I suggest using one of these fine examples
of breathing apparatus.
This safety message has been brought to you by the makers of Gerber Baby
Food and Armor-All.
Thursday, November 16th 2000
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Last night was interesting. We went to hang out at the
Ski and Outdoor house for a while with all the guys. Bill showed up too,
which was cool. Steve told me that they want me to do the club webpage
since the guy who used to do it flaked out. So, as soon as they get me
some server space, I'm going to be working on that page as well as this
one.
I scheduled all my classes for next semester this morning so I'm glad
that is over. Unfortunately Boozing 230 and How to successfully kick
some ass 101 were all filled. Life is just so unfair sometimes. In other
news, when I go home to Connecticut for thanksgiving,we're going to
play hockey with Phonics if the pond is frozen enough. As long as it stays
cold for the rest of this week, we should be set. This is what it should look like.
Wednesday, November 15th 2000
My name is Jonas
I saw the most hilarious thing on a repeat of COPS last
night. A young black man was arrested with a plastic baggie filled with
a white powdery substance which was clearly cocaine. After being arrested,
they drove him to his home where his mother started shouting that it
wasn't cocaine. She kept telling the officers that it was Kool-Aid mix.
She had sent him to the store to get some Kool-Aid mix and that's how
the market down the street sold it. At this point I fell off the couch from
laughing so hard at that idiotic but creative statement. I thought that
the cop was going to piss his pants he laughed so hard. Drug dealers are
so entertaining, don't you agree?
Speaking of drugs, I'd just like to say a little something about dope.
It leads to the consuming of large quantities of junk food, constant laughter,
and red eyes.
Lion-O, Mummra, and Milhouse all agree. Dope is nothing to mess around with;
unless it's some good shit.
Tuesday, November 14th 2000
Frothy goodness
Mmmmmmm. I'd just like to marvel at that picture for a moment.
What a great logo. Now, on to bigger things.
I'd like to present to you, a few simple tips on Monkey Torture.
Torture method A: Replace your beer with a non-alcoholic beer, such
as Sharp's or something like that. Sit back and watch your monkey drink that
non-alcoholic product and get all pissed off.
Torture method B: Offer your monkey a banana. But instead of letting
him take it, when he reaches for it, smack him on the top of the head.
Repeat about a dozen times for torture to be most effective.
These are just two of the many methods. If you practice enough, within
a few short weeks, you too can become an expert in the field of monkey
torture.
Monday, November 13th 2000
Stress Management
I really don't understand why so many people today are so
stupid. Scientists blame television, but I say that television just makes
people less creative and lazy, not stupid. There has got to be an answer out
there. Maybe there is something in the water. That's my theory for the
moment.
But that would mean that there is something not only in the water in my
area, but in Florida's too. I mean just look at this picture and tell me
that you don't think that the people shown aren't idiots. Morons, the lot
of em.
Seeing things in such a sad state makes me want to release my secret weapon
to fight stupidity; Phonics the Killer. Fear not, dear reader, for after
I clean up my area, I will send him to yours to make the United States a
better place. Hell, I'd even consider sending him to foreign countries too
as long as those govenments would foot the bill for food and transportation
of Phonics the Killer.
That said and done, I bid you farewell, for I have a night class and dinner's
in the oven.
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