*These stories are all true. Names have not been changed to protect anyone*
Phonics joins the NHL
As previously mentioned in one of the daily posts, my friends
in Connecticut and I were planning on playing hockey with Phonics when
I came home for Thanksgiving break. Well we played and it was an experience
anyone of us will soon forget.
The day we decided to play, we needed to find some warm children's clothes
and shoes for Phonics because in case you didn't know, monkeys don't live
in cold climates. As much as I get mad at him for making messes and getting
me in trouble, I wasn't going to be cruel to Phonics by not providing
him with some warmth. We all scavenged through out the bags of old clothes
in our attics and together came up with some snowpants, a coat, a sweater,
gloves and a hat, and some boots that fit Phonics. It took awhile to
dress him because well, he just didn't want to wear clothes. We finally
had the girls dress him because they had some kind of motherly vibe going
with him and he seemed to sit still longer with them. Little bastard.
He won't listen to me and he's my monkey. Go figure.
We finally got him all suited up and walked back to the pond. He looked
like an actual kid holding hands with the girls as we walked. Except for
his big old chimp face poking out from under his knit hat. We decided to
not use our skates because we figured that Phonics would be running all over
the place and we didn't want to run into him on the ice. So we started sliding
around passing the puck back and forth. No one was really concentrating on
the game. Phonics had everyone's attention. He tried to walk on the ice
like he'd walk on regular ground and kept falling down. He looked so confused
because he had no clue that ice was slippery. He just kept falling down,
getting up, and falling down again.
After about 10 minutes of this, he started to throw a tantrum and jumped
up and down on the ice. Except when he landed on his heels, his feet slipped
out from under him and he crashed to the ice on his back. He started screeching
really loudly as soon as he hit. We all nearly wet our pants with laughter.
No one could stop laughing long enough to go over and help him. The girls
thought that we were so mean and called us "assholes." We didn't care all
that much. We were still laughing.
Moral of the story: Hockey + Monkey = Funny, but no chicks that
night.
Phonics goes to the range
This past Saturday began as usual except that I recieved a
phone call from Bill asking me if I wanted to accompany him and a few
others to the nearby shooting range. "Yeah sure" I replied. Then out of
the blue, Bill said "Why don't you bring Phonics?" "Are you sure?" I
asked. His response was "Yeah, it'll be fun." So I hung up the phone
began to get ready.
I got to Bill's house and Phonics was cranky already because I had woken
him up so early. Fucking lazy ass monkey. Anyway we loaded up his Blazer
headed off to the range. The whole ride there, Phonics was quiet and calm
and just starred out the window at the passing scenery. "Hey, this may
actually be fun" I thought. I shouldn't have guessed so soon.
We got to the range and it was pretty empty, so we didn't think that we'd
have much trouble with Phonics being there. First off, let me say that
Phonics hasn't ever been around guns before, so he was scared when the
first few shots rang off. He didn't seem too bad, he just grabbed my leg and
stood close to me. After about 20 minutes, he calmed down enough where
he didn't need to hold on to me anymore, but he stuck close to me anyway.
When my turn to shoot came, I fired off a few shots with Bill's 9mm pistol
and then Bill stopped me. "Get the monkey to shoot one." "Crap" I thought.
So, at the insistance of everyone in the group, I held the handgun in
Phonics' hand and put his finger on the trigger. Then I pointed the gun
down range, and squeezed his finger. (I wasn't about to let him hold
the gun on his own. That's all I need is for him to shoot some innocent
bystander.) Well the gun went off and Phonics went ballistic. He dropped
the gun and ran passed all of us towards the blazer. I started to give chase
and everyone there was laughing like crazy. Phonics climbed onto the roof
of the blazer and wouldn't let go of the roof rack. What a pain in the ass.
Moral of the story:No matter how you look at it, monkeys shouldn't
handle firearms.
The PA DMV
As you probably could have guessed, I attend school in Pennsylvania. Since I live here 9 months out of the year, I decided to get a Pennsylvania license and plates for my car. I drove to the local DMV and after waiting what seemed 17 years, I was finally waited on. The man said that there'd be no problems, but before they could issue me a license, they wanted me to take a quick driving test to prove my abilities. Well I was a little pissed off that the damn DMV challanged my driving ability and I slammed my car door when I got in. Phonics, who was napping in the backseat was startled and awoke with a screech. After telling him to shut his damn mouth, I threw a bag of peanuts at him. Phonics just loves to snack on peanuts.
After sitting there for about 15 minutes waiting for this moron to give me my "driving test" he finally came to the car. Upon getting in he mispronounced my last name and spilled some of his coffee on the floor of the passenger seat. "Son of a bitch" I said aloud. his only relpy was "Sorry bout that." "Oh, you have a monkey. How interesting." he said as he reached out to shake Phonics' hand.
Phonics, thinking that this middle-aged balding man was trying to steal his peanuts, smacked him on the arm and began jumping up and down on the backseat. I laughed and told the guy that he thought his treats were being taken away from him. "Oh" the man grumbled. Let's get this over with already. As we pulled from the DMV lot, I guess that Phonics could tell that the man was upset, so he decided to share his peanuts with him. But it wasn't Phonic's place to hand the man a peanut. He had to throw the peanut at the back of the man's head. After about five or six peanuts, the man asked me to control Phonics. I just laughed. "No one can control Phonics" I said. At that instant, Phonics dumped the remainder of the peanuts on the guy's head. I burst into laughter as the man's face turned beet red. He made me take him back to the DMV and told me that I'd never have a Pennsylvania license and he'd see to it.
Moral of the story:
Pennsylvanian's need to lighten up and not get their panties in a twist when in the company of a monkey
Thanksgiving
Right off the bat, I'm going to tell you that this story isn't based off of the insane actions of Phonics. Rather, it's a story about a monkey that my best friend's sister owned a few years ago. As with all of the stories of Phonics, it is true.
One of my best friend's sisters had a monkey when we were younger. She used to keep it in a cage in her family room whenever company came over because like many other monkeys, this one was just as crazy. Well, one year she decided to have Thanksgving at her house. That was mistake # 1.
All of her nephews and nieces loved to tease the monkey until it literally screamed. They'd stick food into the cage and pull it away before the monkey could grab it. They'd also poke at the monkey with their toys. Needless to say, this upset the monkey just a little bit.
After the children had been teasing the monkey for a while they had become bored I guess and ran off to play out in the yard. It was about this time that the lovely golden brown turkey was set out on the dining room table. Next thing that his sister knew the monkey had broken out of the cage, jumped up onto the table, lifted that turkey high above his head, and with an ear piercing screech (that probably sounded like this) threw it against the wall. The gravy stain still exists on the wallpaper in that room today. That was pretty much the end of that pet monkey. She got rid of him the next day.
Moral of the story:
Treat a monkey like a foe, and a Thanksgiving turkey he will throw.
The Frat Party
Last night(Saturday, September 2) began as many nights here at college do. Phil and myself were consulting our friends to see where we would party for the evening. In the meantime we were started drinking early and so did phonics of course.
Phonics was behaving quite well. He was sitting on the couch watching "COPS" and drinking his beer. Finally, we were ready to leave for the party and all hell broke loose. Apparently, Phonics didn't want to stay home alone, while we were going to go have fun. He starting throwing couch cushions and screeching loudly as so many chimps do. "Calm down ya fuck" I shouted. He was dead set on coming with us, so who were we to stop him?
We arrived at the party and paid for our cups. I talked the guy out of charging me for the monkey. He was hesitant to even let me bring him in, but I told him that it'd be good for a few laughs, so he finally allowed us in. What a dumbass. If you've never been to a frat party, in order to get a beer you need to put your cup on the bar with all the other cups. It takes damn near forever to get a friggin beer at one of these things. So I put phonic's cup and my own on the bar and proceeded to wait with all the other people. Then the fun began.
Phonics started picking up other people's cups and drinking them. I thought this was hilarious, because he'd throw the cup at the dude working the tap when he was done. It's a good thing that I knew him, otherwise we probably would've gotten our asses kicked. After about five or six times of Phonics doing this, people started to get pissed and so the guy working the tap told me that he couldn't have anymore. Everytime he reached for one, I had to grab his hand and say "No". Well let me tell you, he didn't like that one bit. With one swipe of his paw he knocked all the cups off the bar. He then jumped down from my arms and ran around the whole rest of the basement screeching like a banshee. Needless to say, we were asked to leave immediately.
Moral of the story:
Never cut off a monkey who's not had nearly enough to drink
