Divorced and In Christ

Introduction

I have been a believer all my life ... even before I was taught about committment & being "born again." I grew up in a conservative, church-going, Presbyterian home. The blood of Jesus was never talked about, but we knew we were supposed to be moral. As I grew up, I was influenced by friends of other denominations, including Roman Catholic. The observations I write about here concern all believers regardless of denomination.

Paradigm Shift

With the dawn of the 22nd Century, the institution of marriage, along with serveral other sacred ideals, is under more pressure than ever, and alarmingly, religion makes no apparent difference. Most denominations are ambiguously against divorce in general, but reluctant to stand for the rights of individuals in a questionable situation. Even in the case of abuse, many local church pastors refuse to come to the defense of the victim for fear of taking an unpopular stand.

Where are victims supposed to go? to the state? Should the state care for the needs of an abuse victim better than the church? Should the abuse victim have to sit through further rejection and criticism from the church before she/he receives help? What about Believers in an abusive marriage ... where do they go? What constitutes abuse, anyway? (sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual)

My Story (abridged & updated 4/13/2011)

For nearly 20 years, I stayed in a marriage that was wrong from the start. I made a bad choice out of imagined desperation - my responsibility, and man, have I paid over and over and over! I will recount briefly my story - NOT for your sympathy, but for OUR INSTRUCTION. Please hear my heart on this.

NOTE: Names and specifics have been omitted or changed to protect the parties, but the message is the same.

My ex and I met one sunny afternoon (9 May 1981)at the home of a mutual friend. We were married 3 months later and shipped off to Germany in the US Army. I knew immediately I had made a mistake and that the "jitters" I had experienced were much more than nerves! Without going into specifics, I began to see what I NOW know as "signs of addiction" almost immediately. He confessed his sin to me and expressed a desire to change. What I didn't understand at that time was that addicts always regret their "abusiveness" and apologize for it...until the next time. That in and of itself does not constitute a willingness to actually walk away from the destructive behavior, and in my naïveté coupled with my blind faith, I believed God could and would "fix" whatever was broken. I did not know then that even God cannot change a person who does not wish to change. That mixed with an unhealthy dose of the "dutiful Christian wife," meant I would DIE before becoming a statistic of divorce.

As always happens with addictions, I was sucked into his downward spiral, and for the nearly 20 years we were together, the current of his addiction ruled not just him, but our household: 3 children and me. His addiction INFECTED us. It broke my will and stripped me of my personal power and identity. I had no identity, no life. My life was swirled around defending him and hiding his shameful "secret." I couldn't understand how God could let this happen ... to ME, to us.

Do you see? It infected EVERYTHING, even my relationship with God. Suddenly, it was God's fault ... or ... I just wasn't a good enough Christian, a good enough wife! Whatever self-respect I had, disintegrated from this rot.

Over the years, I became a worship leader, and Bible study teacher, VBS teacher etc ... etc ....etc ... all in my attempt to "earn" God's favor for me and my family - to get His attention, so to speak. (Yes, I know this was wrong, but this is where I was by this time.) Still my husband continued to spirial downwards - his addiction taking more and more ground in his life and in our home and bringing more and more destruction.

All this time, I was "close" with the "Pastor" and his wife, and they knew the nasty details of our marriage ... for better AND for worse. I cried to them, I asked them for prayer and advice ... Finally, in 1992, we planned for him to go away to a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center knowing that was NOT his sin, but ... maybe the discipline could benefit him.

After 15 months away in this facility, he was kicked out for failing to cooperate. My Pastors picked him up at the rehab center and literally dropped him off on my doorstep and left. Nothing changed.

He returned to his habits within days of his return, and I was expected (by the church and his counselors) to be his "wife." I was dying, maybe not physically, but certainly spiritually. Yet, I was encouraged to continue to lead worship and Bible study and keep up the pretense of a "Godly marriage," at least, no one offered reasonable alternatives.

Then one day several years later, my "Pastor" called me into his office and showed me a newspaper clipping with a physical description that was unmistakeably my husband. The police were looking for him ... for a serious offense. The "Pastor," meaning well, no doubt, insisted it was time to send him to yet one more rehabilitation center that dealt specifically with sexual addictions. Amid promises of support and help, I reluctantly agreed, but I sincerely doubted he'd ever get free. My thoughts leaned more toward prison!

Once again, he went away (to camp, it felt like to me) while I was left, as usual, to pick up the pieces and tend the wounds of the kids and myself. This time, however, I made an agreement with all involved. I declared in no uncertain terms: No successful graduation, no more marriage. Enough was enough!

The program was a year long, and he left in June. I sought help and support from my church "family." Three "elders" came to the house one day unannounced to inspect the bathroom that I had asked for help with. It needed some repairs. I was at work, but the kids allowed them in, since they knew them, and they made their inspection and left. I got a call the next day for an appointment. I was told that since the bathroom was untidy, they were not going to make the necessary repairs. I was livid, but managed to negotiate a return visit. One week later they returned and the house was clean, yet they still did nothing. This started a gradual withdrawal from our 16+ yrs in this local church.
Our family had been active members, faithful "tithers," participated in everything for over 16 years. Suddenly, it all stopped. (Now , here's the interesting thing) NOT ONE CARD, CALL, or INQUIREY !!!! No Christmas cards ... no calls ... no invitations to holiday parties for me OR the kids. It was like we dropped into a black hole and became invisible.

In December 2000, the van we had was repossessed. This made it virually impossible to get to church, although God faithfuly provided transportation to work EVERYDAY!!! The part-time job I had was then terminated in January but I had finished Real Estate school and earned my license, so I wasn't worried. I was optomistic and energized to begin a new career, but as with any sales position, it took time to build a sales base.

My marriage was destroyed, my heart was ripped open, my friends were silent, or at least invisible to my face. I felt abandoned and alone. Then I started to hear the rumors that were circulating about us. The gist of it was ... the marriage breakup was my fault. The master manipulator addict managed to convince the "elders", I guess, that he was the victim. They set him up in an apartment, furnished it completely, stocked it with goodies, and found him a job. I emailed and called the "Pastors" and left messages. No reply. The kids and I were alone.

Father, forgive them, please. I know they have no idea how cruel and heartless they were. Break through their barriers, Daddy God, and perform Your will. Teach us to genuinely love one another, Daddy! Please!

TODAY

Today, my children and I are well on our way to health, emotionally and spiritually. We are still not "planted" in a local congregation, but fellowship with other believers regularly. One beloved family has been used by God to walk with us through this horrible place of stripping and healing. All the others from our former congregation blame me for the failure of my marriage and allow my ex husband to be the victim. He re-married 10 August 2003 to a woman with the same name as me, the same build as me, and the same flaw I had 20 yrs ago - desperation! I ache for her, yet ... I also mourn for their "pastor" who, though aware of ex's history, has chosen to believe his words rather than his behavior and put him in leadership roles within the local assembly.

I am content at this point, but the "local church" does not represent Jesus to them or, in most cases, to me, yet I am hopeful that one day, the Bride of Christ will honestly reflect the love of God to all flesh and embrace each individual, even as Jesus always did, right where they are.

God is good! And His love and mercy are everlasting as He works continually to mould us and restore us to Himself. We walk with Jesus, in our imperfect flesh and an imperfect world, thankful for His unconditional and boundless Love.

Found this poem today and had to share it.

After A While

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeat with your head up and you eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all you roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong, And you really do have worth.

Divorce Support
for Believers

Below, please find a HELPFUL links for those who are in the middle of a BAD marriage. GET HELP! MAKE PEOPLE LISTEN! Do what you have to do to get safe!

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