Kevin stares at the fire burning in the fireplace as AJ walks over to it and pokes it with a poker causing a few crackling sounds.
“Hey, you got marshmallows, Kev?” AJ smiles and then frowns, as he notices no one else smiling back. He sighs and walks over to the couch sitting down on the other end opposite of Kevin.
Brian was sitting Indian style on the floor in front of the fire just staring at it as the flames danced in the reflections of his eyes. Howie was sitting in a big leather recliner with his head in his hand propped up on the chairs arm. They were the only ones in the room while the women where downstairs talking about whatever came to their minds. That basically frightened every one of them, except Howie.
“So how do we start this?” Kevin asks staring down at Brian who had Nick’s journal sitting in his lap.
“I don’t know,” Brian says staring from Kevin to Howie and then to AJ, “I guess I should just start reading,” Brian says staring at Kevin once again.
“Whatever you want to do, Bri. You wanna read first though?” Kevin asks staring at Brian who had suddenly seemed younger to Kevin. Brian always looked young for his age, but now he just looked like a scarred young boy.
“Yeah,” Brian says looking down at the book and opening it to a random page in the beginning. His eyes skim down it and he starts reading out loud.
August 25, 2001
Today was a really good day for some reason. We finished up our new album cover shoot and it is going to be released November 3,2001. Why we are doing a photo shoot this early I will never know, of course according to Kevin I never know anything. Well according to Kevin and all the people who see me as the dumb one in the group, sons of bitches. Anyway back to my day, I got up at nine in the morning ate breakfast with the guys, photo shoot, and then the rest of the day I had to do whatever the hell I wanted. AJ and I, ha I bet the dumb wouldn’t know to put AJ and I instead of AJ and me, went out and drove around for a little in one of his cars, why he has so many I will never know, and then stopped at an arcade/billiard hall. AJ went parading around like he owned the place; of course he lost EVERY game to me. All in all today was a pretty good day. Fatima is already hounding us to get to work on a tour. Well I say leave it to Kevin, he always knows what to do when it comes to that shit.
Brian looks up from the book and stares at them, “This isn’t helping any. He seems happy enough here.”
AJ stares at the fire and smiles slightly. He could remember that day. Nick had beaten his ass at every game they played and both of them had gotten a little drunk. How Nick managed to write that entry he would never know. He was glad Nick was happy going out with him. That was right after he had gotten out of rehab and he wasn’t going to get all out drunk, so he drank and made sure he could still see well enough to drive. He had beaten almost every one in the hall that night at pool with Nick and they had come with some “spare change”.
“I’m gonna skip a head a few pages ok?” Brian says flipping through the book and then starting to read.
October 14, 2001
I hate Kevin. That is all there is to it now. He has been up my ass for the past week. He needs to understand that I am not perfect like he is and hell I mess up at times. I mess up and he needs to get that through his fucking head. God forbid I miss a fucking step during the rehearsals for the new tour. We just started the damn routine. If he wants a perfectionist then he can drag his fat ass over to NSYNC, or some other half-ass band, and get a new member. I hate fucking touring now. I hate it. I hate it and I haven’t even started touring yet.
Brian stares up from the entry and over at Kevin who was staring at him with wide eyes.
“I’m sure he was just upset, Kev,” AJ says,” Nick had a tendency to over react you know. Remember that time he walked up to me and just started punching me. He just fixated on that, that’s all.”
“Yeah, Kevin I’m sure it was nothing,” Howie adds.
“Yeah, I know,” Kevin says softly as Brian stares at him with sad eyes and frowns before flipping to another page.
November 3, 2001
Our record was released today. We had to go to TRL and do the show talking to fans, signing autographs and listening to tracks. I like the new album; honestly I think it is our best work yet. I hope we beat those pansy ass NSYNCers, I would give anything to see their faces if we beat them especially Lance, poo fu albino with his smart-ass comments. I hope Kevin decks him on of these days, since I know Kevin wants too.
My mom called today too. It wasn’t one of those touching mother son talks either, of course it never is. I think she wants to disown me now. I could give a flying fuck less if she disowns me too. I haven’t seen my whole fucking family for the past two, count them TWO Christmases. I was home by myself with my dogs and at least Willa was with me the first time, actually now that I think of it fuck her too. She can go live with my mother. I hardly see Aaron except when he is on tour, I see Leslie then too. I haven’t seen or talked Bobbie in a whole fucking six months. I feel as if I am the last of the Carters and sometimes I think it is better to feel that way then I don’t have to think of them.
I mean how fucked up can I be that not even my own mother wants me. I think I’m already too far-gone. Haha, watch me pull a Sid Vicious a few years down the line then she’ll be sorry or fell happy that she was finally rid of the embarrassment she made.
Brian stares up from the book and sighs, “I think that is when he started to lose it. That or maybe a few entries earlier, but it doesn’t make that big of a difference.”
“God, his fucking mother did it too him?” AJ stares thinking about how much Nick used to love his mom and how much AJ’s mom love him back. Now that he thought about it, Nick did spend an awful lot around AJ’s mom more then his own.
“His mom was horrible to him though,” Howie says, “Remember how she used to call him up and yell at him for no reason at all. Then there was that time she yelled at him for warning Aaron about the pressures of being a star.”
“God, he was in tears for two fucking hours after that phone call,” AJ mumbles hoping everyone heard.
“Well we did beat the pansy asses records thank God,” Kevin says,” I remember he was happy about that. Now that I think about it it was the last time I ever saw Nick happy. I mean he could give a shit less when we won a Grammy now that I think about it”
“He only cared because we cared so much about it,” Brian says, “He told me one day when we were just sitting around talking. I don’t think he wanted to leave in the beginning, but it got to him.”
“What’s it?” AJ asks.
“Everything,” Howie says before Brian can speak and Brian then only nods in agreement.
“Well that’s what I think now, but this can all prove me wrong,” Brian says holding up Nick’s journal.
“God, do remember what happened to Sid Vicious?” AJ says.
“He died of a heroine over dose didn’t he?” Kevin says.
“Yeah, but before that he lost everything. He was this punk superstar one day and then a no one the next. He burned himself out. Then there was the heroine and he ended up killing the girl he loved. Well they think he killed her, but they could never put him on trial because he died five days later. He died really young too,” AJ says shaking his head in disgust at the thought.
“Sweetheart put on MTV for a second ok,” Kristin says sticking her head into the room and then quickly disappearing again.
“Ok,” Kevin yells back reaching for the remote and turning the TV on to MTV.
A picture of Nick comes up and then the camera cuts to Kurt Louder standing on the street with the same monotone face he always had on and holding a mic.
“Now the question that has been on everyone’s mind today, is Nick Carter alive somewhere out there or is he dead?” Kurt says staring into the camera.
“I think Nick’s alive. I don’t think he would ever kill himself. Even if he did they still don’t have a body,” a young girl says as the camera cuts to an older girl who looked in college.
“I think he’s dead honestly. I mean I know people never found the body, but if he was so depressed he could of easily walked into the ocean and drowned himself. The body could of washed out too sea and that’s why we never found it,” she states before the camera cuts to an older business man dressed in a suit.
“I could honestly care less what the kid did to himself. Whatever he did it made him happy, not everyone else. I think we should just leave it at that and move on. If one day he shows up then he shows up, if he doesn’t. He doesn’t.”
Kevin turns off the TV before the next clip can come on and shakes his head.
“The last guy was right you know,” Howie says, “I think they should all let Nick be. We are just trying to find out why he did it and when we find out we won’t tell anyone, right?”
“Yeah,” come three replies.
“What do you guys think,” AJ says staring at the floor, “I mean honestly. I know we told the public we thought he was a live, but that was for that fans right?”
“I don’t know what to think,” Kevin says, “I hope he is out there somewhere, but…I just don’t know.”
“He’s alive,” Howie say simply.
“I think he’s dead guys,” AJ says looking at the floor still, “I mean I know it’s not a good thing to think, but I just think…”
“He’s not dead God damnit!” Brian yells staring at AJ with fire in his eyes clutching the journal in one hand, “He’s not fucking dead, ok!”
“Ok,” AJ says staring at him and then at Kevin who was also starring at Brian.
Brian had never acted like that to anything and by him acting like that only proved what Kevin thought was true. Kevin thought Brian had basically pushed Nick’s disappearance into the back of his mind and now it was all out in the open. Brian wanted to believe more then anyone that Nick would come walking through that door at any second. Brian was his best friend and if Kevin felt guilty he could only imagine what Brian felt. Brian thought he could help Nick with everything and for once he couldn’t and it led to him leaving.
“Here Brian let me read for a little,” Howie says getting up and walking over to Brian taking the journal and sitting back down.
November 28, 2001
I hate my life. I really do. I mean wow I’m famous big deal. I have Kevin who s constantly up my ass for doing things wrong. I have fans EVERYWHERE I go screaming in my face, not that I hate my fans it’s just that they can talk to me and not scream in my face. I think I’m actually becoming afraid of them too at times, but I’ll get to that later. I can’t see my own family. I have people calling me fucking fat everywhere. Yeah, you NSYNC fans think you’re funny? Go screw Joey and maybe he’ll get you pregnant too. Our album sales beat NSYNC’s so now we are expected to put on this wonderful show. I’m going to crack and I know it. I can’t get to sleep some nights. I just stay up all night and all the next day with these blood shot eyes. Lets see makeup cover that up. I have people telling me how I should look, dress and act. I’ll act how I want to act. Brian is always on my case now too. Nick, come talk to me. Nick, what’s wrong? Just back the fuck off and maybe I’ll tell you. That’s all I need is someone else on my back. God, my head hurts so bad now. I feel like my whole fucking head is going to explode.
Oh yeah back to the fans. Today I went out just my bodyguard and me and we were walking out of the hotel. That’s when it all started. I felt the fans lung at me. They were all over me clawing at my skin. I couldn’t breath of I started screaming covering my eyes from getting scratched. Two bodyguards pulled me back inside and when I opened my eyes they were just staring at me. They asked what happened, so I told them. They both gave me this look and said no one even came near me. I just collapsed in the middle of the walkway and started screaming. I asked them not to tell anyone and they agreed. God, only knows what will happen if the guys find out. They’ll put me in an asylum. Actually now that I think of it it doesn’t seem all that bad. After all I have to be crazy in some way to imagine myself being attacked, right?
Howie puts down the journal and stares up as three sets of eyes stare at him.
“I never knew he did that,” Brian says, “Did any of you guys knew he did that?”
“No,” AJ says.
“No,” Kevin says softly staring back at the fire.
“Guys, this is more serious then we thought,” Howie says.
“God, what kind of fucking bodyguards were those idiots not to tell us,” AJ says.
“He probably paid them too,” Howie says.
“This is fucked up,” AJ says standing up and walking over to a small bar as the others watch him pour himself a glace of Jack Daniels and then walks back over taking his seat, “It’s just a glass,” AJ says staring at them, “It’s only one guys.”
Kevin stares at AJ along with Howie and Brian as he takes a sip of his drink. Did AJ have a relapse? Kevin didn’t know. His mind told him that yes AJ probably had a relapse, but not a bad one. He was back to drinking when he wanted to comfort himself. Thirty days in a rehab center wasn’t going to cure him. Alcoholism was a disease just like anorexia or bulimia and that fact scarred all of them. Nick was killing AJ in his own way and the mental side effects were getting to Brian and Kevin both. Howie? No one was sure about Howie. He worked, a lot, but that was about it. He was the sanest of all of them
“Guys, are you coming to bed yet?” Kristin pokes her head in again, “It’s one in the morning.”
“Jesus,” AJ says looking down at his watch and putting down his glass. It was already empty and Brian was staring at it intently from the floor.
“We’re coming,” Kevin says standing up, “We’ll finish this tomorrow then?”
“Ok,” Howie says handing the journal to Brian who was still on the floor and then walking out of the room. Howie just wanted out now.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” AJ says standing up and following Howie.
“Brian, you ok?” Kevin asks.
“Yeah, fine,” Brian says staring at the flames again.
“I’m gonna go to bed ok?”
“Ok, I’m just gonna sit here for a while.”
“Alright,” Kevin says and stands up then walks out of the room, “Goodnight.”
“Night,” Brian says softly as he watches Kevin leave.
A Brian stare at the door until he is sure Kevin is out of sight and then breaks down into tears. He stands up and throws the journal at a wall.
“Fuck you!” Brian yells as the journal hits the wall, “You always thought about yourself! You always thought about your fucking self!”
Brian stands there breathing heavily for a minute and then walks over to the book picking it up. He dusts it off and walks back out of the room wiping his eyes on his arm. He flips through a few pages until he stops half way up the steps and scribbled on one page in big sloppy letters were the words.
Is it today or is it tonight we will find the
answer to our life.
This was bigger then any of them could have ever imagined.
