Ronixis’ ThunderCats Script
A MiSTing by Miusheri
[BONE... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... SAFE]
[MIKE NELSON files into the theater, accompanied by TOM SERVO and CROW T. ROBOT.]
TOM: Oh great, another ridiculous short. Thanks, Pearl!
MIKE: Concentrate on the “short” part, buddy. It’ll be okay.
>I have sent the script to the WGA
CROW: A script? Ugh, this doesn't bode well.
>so now its there for 5 years no matter what happens.
MIKE: Even after it’s sent through the paper shredder, technically it’s *still there*.
BOTS: Yeah, yeah, true...
>Some Mysterius Benafator gave me the funds to send the script.
TOM: No, you misunderstood. He was *our* benefactor, paying you to never unleash it upon another living soul again!
MIKE: So *that’s* how Pearl got a handle on it.
>But Still: I promised you all I will show you the Second Draft,
BOTS: [chant like monks]
MIKE: [low voice] Behold, my brethren, the sacredness of the Second Draft...
>so here its is...However, I only gonna show you 3 short snippits of >the script...
CROW: With all the verbs edited out for brevity.
>And here it is:
>Back At New Cats Lair, Lion-O is walking to the chamber of >Catamountian, and enters, Cheetarra is already there.
MIKE: [Lion-O, goofy] Why, you’re already here!
TOM: What's with the funky spelling?
>Lion-O, they fixed the statue of Lisha.
CROW: Thank God. I don't think we could afford to feed another litter.
>(looks at the new statue, the statue is 6ft and sitting down, her
>crown has 10 niches, as in ten stars. They each have the Treasures of
>Thundera with the Key of Thundera in the middle. The 11th niche is in
>her hand, and it's the Book of Omens, and the 12th niche is right
>hand and it holds the Cats Claw and the Sword of Omens.
CROW: The thirteenth niche is in a naughty, naughty--
>On her feet, is one of the moons of Thundera)
TOM: [Lisha] Yowwwwwch!
MIKE: [sighs] Atlas shrugged... and someone’s toe got smashed.
>I never saw this before... It is gorgeous.
CROW: It's Zeus at Olympia after a sex change. Wahoo.
>You think so?
TOM: I don’t know, I just can’t picture Cheetara tee-hee-ing.
CROW: [sarcastically] Bite your tongue, Tom! This is the *Second Draft,* after all!
>Yeah, but it's not as beautiful as you.
MIKE: [Cheetara, grunting] Geez, Lion-O, care to shed a few kilos?
>I see. Is this the Lion-O that liked that push the robot gave me,
CROW: --off a cliff--
>or this the Lord of The Thundercats who his about to make me his lady?
TOM: [Coily the Spring Sprite] Noooo springs! [whistles]
>I never gave that much thought,
CROW: Now *there’s* a believable Lion-O.
>You're always-such the kidder.
MIKE: What, he can’t be both at once? They’re mutually exclusive?
CROW: Relax, Mike. Logic and this script are mutually exclusive.
>Anyway, have you made your decision if on when you going to be the
>Lady and the wedding day?
TOM: You mean Cheetara’s not already a lady?! I think I’m gonna be sick...
>I am almost there, dear. I am just bit scared.
MIKE: [Cheetara] Fluid speech is so frightening.
TOM: Oh, yeah... this is supposed to be read aloud. *Right.*
CROW: “Bit scared?” Binary bigot!
>I mean, I don't want you
MIKE: ‘Nuff said.
>to become worried about me or worked up.
TOM: That’s right, folks at home: don’t bother with relationships, because then you’d actually have to start caring.
>I mean, I took care of you once.
CROW: Which, if you think about it, says something deeply disturbing about a Lion-O/Cheetara romance.
>I have seen you grow into the man that I now care for so much.
>Is that the reason Tygra really is staying on Third Earth? He does
>not want to see me in your arms?
MIKE: Wait, how do they start talking about Tygra all of a sudden?
TOM: [announcer] Be sure to tune in for tomorrow’s episode of “Nine Lives to Live!”
>No Lion-O. He cares for me, but he does not hate you.
CROW: [Cheetara] He just wishes you were dead.
>Come on, he is next in line if you pass on.
>Unless... there's a son.
>Hehe. Lion-O, don't get all started. I am not gonna be a trophy wife!
TOM: [Lion-O] Didn't say you had to be, Sweetcheeks. Just sit pretty and make babies.
>(Hits him in the head with her shortened bow softly and leaves the
MIKE: It gets caught in his unruly mane like a ‘fro pick.
>(chuckles, looking back at Cheetarra leaving, then turns around,
CROW: Now now, Lion-O, don't tax yourself so...
>and looking at the statue)
>I wonder who you were...
MIKE: She’s Lady Liberty, nursing her sore foot.
TOM: Cool. We're out of the no-passing zone.
>Outside Cats Lair Mandoras ship lands:
CROW: Quick! Hide the booze!
>(Runs to hug him)
>I missed you so much.
TOM: Yeah, I thought she was sweet on Ben-Gali.
>Oh, right. I remember.
CROW: [Pumyra, sighing] He's got cooties.
>Cheetarra, come on. She is a Thundercat!
MIKE: [Lion-O, haltingly] Did-you-not-know-that-she-is-a-Thun-der-Cat?
>Come on Lion-O, I am looking out for you.
CROW: What, does Pumyra suddenly have the Embrace of Death or something?
>No offence, but I am trying to keep Lion-O on the straight and narrow.
>Don't get your suit all tight and narrow, you lose brain circulation,
>and speed, and we don't want that now do we?
>(Pats her back and walks inside cats lair, as Cheetarra snarls)
TOM: [Cheetara] Yeah, well you're fat!
MIKE: What is with this characterization? The women are cardboard, mean-spirited schoolgirls fighting over *Lion-O*, of all people...
CROW: Jealous, Mike?
CROW: The most difficult game of Hangman ever.
MIKE: Brace yourselves, this is the last snippet...
>(Stops in front of the dying Thugron solder)
>Damn it! I can't believe this.
TOM: [Mirra-Ra] Despite my best efforts, "Thugron" is quite pronounceable!
MIKE: From the ashes of corporate horror Enron rises THUGron!
CROW: Thugron... The Gron... The *Groan.* Talk about your subliminal messaging...
>(Points to Lion-O)
>You will all pay dearly!
MIKE: I hope so. What nerve, killing off all the best characters...
>You really think that you can stop all of us?
>That will not be a problem!
CROW: Them’s look like fightin' words! Prepare for "DragonBall Z" clichees!
MIKE: Tom, you're on counter duty. Ding 'em out.
TOM: Roger that.
>(Uses his Psychoion and creates a tornado, shooting at the team,
TOM: Gah! The dreaded Psycho-Ionic Hairdryer of Doom!
CROW: Rends enemies fatally stylish in seconds!
>but Lion-O blocks it using the Sword of Omens, rotating it around.
MIKE: Like a record, baby.
>The Thundercats, attack Mirra-Ra starting with Bengali and his Hammer >Laser.)
CROW: [Ben-Gali] Can’t touch this!
>(flies right back up, and hits Rana
>with her morphwing)
TOM: They're flying! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
TOM: Is it that hard to add the word "smiling?" He already describes seven or eight other actions per set of parentheses...
>Haha, you were always a weak one.
MIKE: [Morgan] What's-Your-Name, you pathetic fool!
CROW: It couldn't hurt to include a preface with these excerpts...
>(Morgan takes down Mandora's cycle)
>What a waste!
>(Jagara starts swinging at Morgan, but she swats her punches and
>kicks down, then uses her morphwing, changes into two hands, grabs
>Jagara and shocks her, sending her down again)
TOM: Hold it... is that a ding?
CROW: If I knew what just transpired there, I'd tell you...
CROW: Ah, there we go!
>But Rana uses a high powered kick right to Morgans left cheek bone >sending her hard into the face of the Mountain.
>(stops Bengali's attack and rolling savate kicks him away.
MIKE: Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ rollin’.
>Pumyara, gets shot at with Mirra-Ra's blast, as Lynx-O gets close to >Mirra-Ra, however, Mirra-Ra dropkicks his legs.
TOM: So, he sends himself into a sacrifice dive in an attempt to hit Lynx-O's *legs*? He’d hit the pavement before he could make contact!
MIKE: It's a new style of fighting: Masochist-Fu.
>Cheetarra swings her bow at him and it clashes with the sword of >plunndar.
CROW: Who the hell uses a bow as a *melee* weapon? What happened to her staff?
MIKE: Burnt offering to the God of Hacks.
CROW: Oh, wait, I get it now: *bo*!
TOM: You know Bo?
CROW: Yeah! Bo staff!
MIKE, TOM: *Oh*...
>The bow is nearly broken, and Cheetarra is hit on the back with an >elbow.
TOM: Incoming appendages!
CROW: ThunderCats beware-- the bad guys now come with easily detachable parts!
>Panthro, does an jumping back brain kick
ALL: [chuckling, snorting] Jumping back *brain* kick?!
MIKE: This guy must think karate schools actually teach the stuff he sees in Street Fighter.
TOM: Close enough. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
>to Mirra-Ra, but he is too fast, and Mirra-Ra, takes his leg and >swings him to a tree.
>Tygra, is able to strike his bolo whip at Mirra-Ra hitting him on the >sides and back, but Mirra-Ra, backhands punches Tygra away
TOM: [rapidly] --dingdingdingdingding--
>making him fall on the floor, Lion-O is the last one standing,
TOM: [starts to shiver and smoke] --dingdingdingdingdingdingding--
>and Mirra-Ra rushes to him.)
>I told you, I will make you PAY!
MIKE: [Mirra-Ra] CASH or CHARGE?
[TOM's dome explodes open, and he falls out of view. A pause.]
MIKE: In retrospect, I probably should have assigned counting to you, Crow.
CROW: Nah, it’s just not my thing. Discrete series are *so* I-386.
>(defends the blasting from Mirra-Ra with the claw shield, and then >attacks with the sword. Mirra-Ra miss-swings
MIKE: That's *MS.* Swings to you.
>and Lion-O counters with an overhead kick to the face,
CROW: Is that anything like a Boot to the Head?
>then swings and connects with the Sword of Plundarr, however Mirra-Ra >uses a high powered ground Psychoion attack and blasts Lion-O back 15 >feet.
CROW: So, he has the Sword of Plun-Darr in one hand and a hairdryer in the other? *That’s* some pretty disturbing imagery.
>Mirra-Ra races to end Lion-O, but some how Lion-O fires The Thunderan >Star Wave
MIKE: Thrill as negative ions interact with electromagnetic radiation!
CROW: No one will be admitted during the intense “reverse polarization” scene!
>and Mirra-Ra stopping him.)
>I will never let you have Thundera. I will die before that happens!
MIKE: [Mirra-Ra] Well, yeah, that's the plan. I kill you, *then* I get Thundera!
CROW: And Tygra gets to boink Cheetara!
>Then SO BE IT!
[TOM, although headless, rises once more.]
TOM: [wearily] Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
MIKE: [sniffles] Such a little trooper...
>(Attacks again, however with the same attack Lion-O used, he is >stopped again.)
CROW: You know, Mike, for years I pondered the origin of stock animations. I think I’ve finally got it.
MIKE: They’re cost-effective.
CROW: Nah, that’s just a fortunate side effect. The *real* reason is that some screenwriters aren’t original enough to think of more than two patterns of assault in a fight scene.
>(and the rest of the Thundercats stand next to each other)
>This time, you have met your match! Ready?
>(The Thundercats Nod and then they point there weapons at Mirra-Ra)
MIKE: It's a vision! I can see it all unfolding in my head, and it's... it's...
MIKE: ...incredibly *lame*!
>(They fire at Mirra-Ra but he is able to block the move and send all >the energy away...but gets blown back, and yet he stands his ground.)
[TOM reemerges, fully repaired.]
MIKE: Tom! You're okay!
TOM: Yeah. All that blown away, blown back and around again energy somehow made its way out of the script and brought me back to full functionality!
TOM: [irritated] All right, so I had a little help from the Nanites! Sheesh!
>You may have won this time. Next time, the gloves go off!
MIKE: --on an amazing journey of self-discovery.
CROW: Hey, yeah! Now *that* would be a great script to read!
TOM: Brain Guy must've popped him outta there!
CROW: Thanks, Brain Guy!
MIKE: Uh-oh. The plot has flatlined.
>Thats just some of the dialog in the script...
CROW: Oh, “just some?” No *wonder* it didn't make any sense. Not that I hold out much hope for the whole script...
>What do you think?
TOM: Considering that my clichee counter attained a value that was too large for my processor to handle, do you really want to know?
MIKE: Nix on the 'Nix!
[MIKE picks up TOM as the group begins to file out of the theater.]
CROW: I guess I can’t blame network executives anymore for all the junk on television. If these are the only people submitting scripts, there isn’t a whole lot they can do.
TOM: Sure, there’s something!
TOM: We could write our own script!
MIKE: Our own script?
[MIKE and CROW stop in their tracks.]
TOM: Yeah! It’d be thrilling! It’d be poignant! Hell, we’re the most critical minds in film and literary history. It’d be the greatest script ever! It’d be... it’d be... well...
[MIKE and the BOTS exit the theater.]
[SAFE... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... BONE]
This MiSTing is mine all mine, so please don’t copy, edit, or distribute it without my written consent. MST3K and related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. ThunderCats and associated characters are owned by Warner Bros. All references to movies, shows, plays, songs, etc. in the riffs are property of their respective copyright holders. Insults within the text should not be taken personally by anyone. This is a non-profit work and is only meant to be amusing. Hopefully, it has served its purpose. A big thank-you to my ever-supportive friends and family; to Nicholas, who puts up with me despite my weirdness; and to Mr. Madison, author of the First Amendment... if I remember my history correctly.