[BONE... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... SAFE]

[MIKE NELSON, TOM SERVO, and CROW T. ROBOT file into the theater. MIKE places TOM in his seat.]

CROW: Reduced to sending us her spam. I’m really surprised at Pearl’s tactics lately.
TOM: Hey, at least it beats watching her high school musicals.
MIKE: I dunno, I thought she was a pretty convincing Mephistopheles...

MIKE: It’s not just the crazed mutant alligators springing forth from toilets, people. You *can’t* continue to ignore the threat of crazed mutant bears springing forth from monitors.
TOM: [deep-throated] Only YOU can prevent forest fires-- before I harvest your immortal soul!

The Bugbear Virus has already infected MILLIONS of computers worldwide and is spreading at an epidemic rate.

CROW: I think they mean “exponential.”
MIKE: Well, they’re programmers, Crow. They can’t be bothered with math... [trails off] Er, wait a second...

But what's most alarming is that Bugbear allows hackers to steal your passwords and credit card information.

TOM: Only if you’re stupid enough to actually create and maintain “myPasswords.txt” and “myCCnumbers.txt”, and place them in a folder labeled “Please Rifle Through My Contents.”
CROW: And if you are, I can’t say I pity you.

It also compromises your privacy by sending out your personal email to random strangers.

MIKE: How’s that any different from Yahoo, Hotmail, or AOL?
TOM: I think they mean actual e-mails, Mike, not just the address.
MIKE: So someone gets his hands on one of my letters to Gillian Anderson. So wha... uh-oh.
TOM: Told you the “X-Files” sex-fics were probably a bad way to introduce yourself.

Your computer could be infected right now and you wouldn't know because Bugbear even disables your antivirus software!

CROW: If you haven’t updated it since the Berlin Wall came down.

But there is a way to safeguard your personal information: PANDA ANTIVIRUS TITANIUM keeps protecting your PC when other antiviruses fail.

TOM: ‘Cause Panda studies while those other losers are out partying and boozing!
MIKE: “Panda Antivirus Titanium.” That sounds like an anime title.
CROW: Don’t encourage them, Mike.

Fact: Bugbear can't and doesn't disable Titanium.

CROW: Again, because Bugbear *can’t* disable anything kept up-to-date. Stinking paranoia exploiters...

Fact: Titanium not only hunts and kills Bugbear, it detects and destroys all 64,000 known viruses.

CROW: 64-- [shouting] 64,000 known viruses?! Sweet Lord, Mike, what’ll we do?! How can we possibly protect ourselves?! We’re doomed, I tell you! Dooooomed!! [breaks into hysterics]
MIKE: Calm down, Crow! Like you said, it’s just a scare tactic.
CROW: Integrity... compromised... shattered... delicate privacy... Panda... only hope...
TOM: Too late. I think he’s just been assimilated.

Fact: even if your PC has already been hit by Bugbear, when you install Titanium, it will repair virus damage.

CROW: [deliriously] Yeesssss... Panda Antivirus Titanium shall set us free...
MIKE: Fight it, Crow! Fight it!

But that's just the beginning: Titanium is the only antivirus in the world that updates with new vaccines every DAY.

MIKE: *Daily* updates?
TOM: They probably just add a carriage return to the end of their code and consider that an update.
MIKE: [thoughtfully] That must be how AOL does it.
CROW: [still delirious] New vaccines... A new shot in me bum every 24 hours...
TOM: Oh, good, he’s back to normal.

Other antivirus products (including Norton & McAfee) only update every 48 hours.
Think about it... without Titanium, your PC is twice as vulnerable to attack!

TOM: Unfounded statistical probability brought to you by the Ministry of Silly Math.

So why risk your privacy?

MIKE: Throw out your computer and shutter your windows. It’s the only way to be safe. Remember, they’re watching you...

Why risk your financial security?

TOM: Give *us* your money-- that way the hackers will have nothing to steal!

Why risk waiting another a second?

CROW: [Mafioso] If-a you don’t get movin’, we give-a you de cement pedicure, capeesh?

Protect your PC with Panda Antivirus Titanium.

TOM: P. A. T.! It’s where it’s at!

Buy Titanium now and receive Anonymizer 2.0 at no charge!

MIKE: Comes in handy when you’d like people to forget how dumb you were for buying this software.

Total retail value: $69.90.

CROW: Hehehe...
MIKE: [warningly] Crow...

Your Price: only $19.95!

TOM: [quickly] Add an additional $49.95 for tax and shipping. Offer void in Utah and for persons named “Hugh.”

Special CD-ROM offer: Save 70%!

CROW: [smugly] 71.459%, actually. Too bad *they* don’t have highly sophisticated sentient robots for these things, huh Mike?
MIKE: Yeah. I so pity them.

TOM: Our obnoxious color schemes will FORCE you to ORDER NOW!

Double protection at half the price!

MIKE: $30 off is *half* of $50?
CROW: Not only statistical geniuses, but masters at basic percentages! If I doubted their ability to program decent software before, I surely don’t now!
TOM: Those engine speeds aren’t all that different. Besides, I don’t even know what kilos per byte-seconds are.

To bring you this incredible online price, this offer does not include the retail box or manual.

CROW: Sorry, but at these prices, we just can’t justify giving you the lead-lined bombproof casing and the silken scroll hand-woven and painstakingly penned by Buddhist monks over a period of three years. [drops the act] For goodness’ sake, we’re talking CARDBOARD and PAPER here!

You receive the CD-ROM and a unique registration code, qualifying you for one full year of daily vaccine updates and free email tech support.

MIKE: Forced downloads and the occasional mail-bomb from a bunch of bored, underpaid interns. Who could resist?

The manual is viewable from the CD-ROM itself. You also receive an activation code for Anonymizer 2.0, which you will be able to download from the net.

TOM: Once we figure out its REAL NAME!

© 2002. Nutritional Technologies, Inc.

MIKE: Now I *know* this whole thing was inspired by anime.
TOM: And now, what satisfied drones-- er, users-- have to say about Paranoia Panda:

"Panda actually beats Norton and McAfee...

CROW: ...like redheaded stepchildren!

easy to use but full of features that even the most experienced power user will appreciate."

TOM: On... off. What other features could there be?

"The best protection program on the market."

ALL: We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!

"A powerful and versatile program. It detected and disabled every virus we tested."

CROW: All two of them!
TOM: Wooo!

" Maximum protection with little or no user interaction...

TOM: Little or no user brain activity implied.

If you're looking for new desktop protection, take a look at this solution."

MIKE: ...and kindly steer clear of Panda.

"Panda Antivirus Titanium was ranked 8.0, being the only antivirus to achieve the highest marks."

TOM: 8.0 is the highest mark? Being decimal-based creatures, I thought you humans preferred scales from 1 to 10.
MIKE: Don’t robots?
CROW: Mike, we’re *binary.* Yes or no. Good or bad. None of that in-between crap-- although sometimes I’m partial to the floating point range from 4.376 to 5.9994.
TOM: But nothing satisfies quite like 9.9 repeating to 10.0, heh heh...
MIKE: [sighs]

"Users just want to install and forget about their antiviruses, in the sure and certain knowledge that they're now completely safe from infection via the Internet. And that's exactly what Panda Antivirus Titanium is all about...

MIKE: ...ignorance and complacency. Got it.
CROW: General Confusion Nationwide: your source for... uhh...

[MIKE picks up TOM as the group begins to file out of the theater.]

TOM: I’m not convinced Earth is much better than being here, Mike. At least up here we don’t have to put up with this kind of crap-- oh, wait, yeah we do.
MIKE: It’s not so bad. On Earth, you have your handy-dandy Delete button...

[SAFE... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... BONE]

THE END


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CREDITS

This MiSTing is mine all mine, so please don’t copy, edit, or distribute it without my written consent. MST3K and related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. All graphics and logos appearing in the MiSTing were taken from the original spam e-mail. All references to movies, shows, plays, songs, etc. in the riffs are property of their respective copyright holders. Insults within the text should not be taken personally by anyone. This is a non-profit work and is only meant to be amusing. Hopefully, it has served its purpose. A big thank-you to my ever-supportive friends and family; to Nicholas, who puts up with me despite my weirdness; and to Mr. Madison, author of the First Amendment... if I remember my history correctly.

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STINGER

Double protection at half the price!

...only in the Land of Make-Believe Math. Nice try, spameroos. ~MSL